I existed on a diet of processed carbs, refined sugars, and very little of anything else. I didn't exercise. Ever. When I started getting serious about my health, just a couple of miles walking would have me incredibly winded, sore, and exhausted.
The past 2+ years have been quite a journey. Every so often I feel the need to check in with myself in the process. It's easy to get caught up in a super-healthy phase only to be followed by what I perceive as failure (even though it's not). On the other hand it is also easy to get caught up in some pretty unhealthy habits that I sometimes allow myself to fall into.
One of the biggest realizations I've come into the past few weeks is about my body. I've found myself wishing my strength and fitness showed more in what my body looks like. In other words, I wish that simply by looking at me, people could see my level of fitness. The hours of time I have put into training, cooking, and eating healthy. And I hate that I think that way, I hate that I care at all what others think. And this doesn't consume my thoughts all of the time, but it does enter them more than I would like.
I had a really strange experience recently, though. I had gone to another floor at work to look for some extra supplies. I was waiting for the elevators and happened to look through the windows next to me into another room. I saw a person standing in there, and for a moment it startled me a bit because it was the middle of the night and I didn't expect to see anyone there. I realized after a couple of seconds I was merely seeing my reflection. But the odd part of the experience was that for the first time, I saw myself the way others see me. I hadn't seen a big girl in that window. In fact, what I saw was far from that.
This was a huge reality check for me, to see myself through "someone else's" eyes... even if they were my own eyes. When I thought I was seeing someone else, I saw what looked like a tall, slender person. How strange to see yourself that way.
And it was a reminder that I need to be kind to myself. My body has gone through a lot of change in the last couple of years, yes. But it also has been recovering from years of bad eating, sedentary habits, as well as negative self image. And undoing all of that is going to take time... maybe more than two years. Maybe another two or three or four, who knows. But I love my body and I am determined to continue to take care of it... sometimes that means taking it one day at a time. Simply not being hard on myself for unhealthy choices. Realizing that I'm beautiful in every form that my body will take on in this life.
One of the biggest realizations I've come into the past few weeks is about my body. I've found myself wishing my strength and fitness showed more in what my body looks like. In other words, I wish that simply by looking at me, people could see my level of fitness. The hours of time I have put into training, cooking, and eating healthy. And I hate that I think that way, I hate that I care at all what others think. And this doesn't consume my thoughts all of the time, but it does enter them more than I would like.
I had a really strange experience recently, though. I had gone to another floor at work to look for some extra supplies. I was waiting for the elevators and happened to look through the windows next to me into another room. I saw a person standing in there, and for a moment it startled me a bit because it was the middle of the night and I didn't expect to see anyone there. I realized after a couple of seconds I was merely seeing my reflection. But the odd part of the experience was that for the first time, I saw myself the way others see me. I hadn't seen a big girl in that window. In fact, what I saw was far from that.
This was a huge reality check for me, to see myself through "someone else's" eyes... even if they were my own eyes. When I thought I was seeing someone else, I saw what looked like a tall, slender person. How strange to see yourself that way.
And it was a reminder that I need to be kind to myself. My body has gone through a lot of change in the last couple of years, yes. But it also has been recovering from years of bad eating, sedentary habits, as well as negative self image. And undoing all of that is going to take time... maybe more than two years. Maybe another two or three or four, who knows. But I love my body and I am determined to continue to take care of it... sometimes that means taking it one day at a time. Simply not being hard on myself for unhealthy choices. Realizing that I'm beautiful in every form that my body will take on in this life.
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