Well, I can't seem to figure out a good way to keep this blog going. I guess we will just go back to the tried-and- true, write when I have time and inspiration to post. And that's ok!
I shared recently some of my struggles over the fall and winter with eating disorders, anxiety, and depression. The weight gain that came with it, that seemed to perpetuate the cycle even more. Binge, gain weight, feel depressed about gained weight. Anxiety attack, then another binge, and so on and so forth. It.Was.Miserable. It was happening probably 2-4 times per week by the time November rolled around. It was really hard.
I'm in a much better place now, although yes there are still days it can be a struggle. Because I look at how others live their lives, seemingly unaffected by the choices they make from one meal to the next, and I feel like that is a struggle I may never get over.
I know I have never been obese. Overweight, yes. But obese, no. I realize I don't understand what it's like to be a fat person in our society. But I know what it's like to feel trapped in your body, trapped in your mind, and unable to break free of the cycle of hating your body-- and both hating and loving food because of what it does to and for you. This thing that I literally rely on for survival is also my greatest enemy. Drug addictions may be worse in other ways, but food addiction? You can never get away from your addiction, not really. You can't "not eat." Before you say food addiction is not real, tread carefully. Because there are people who literally think about food night and day, and constantly have to fight the urge to eat and eat and eat. Looking at me you wouldn't think I've been there, but what you see on the surface isn't always what it looks like.
So while I try and love my body as it is, to appreciate what it is able to do, deep down I still hold tight to the ideal "perfect body" that I want to attain. I do still feel that I won't be truly happy until I have that. The thing is, I know that isn't true, but it is still somehow the way I feel. And I've realized recently how much this has hindered me in life. At times I think, would I be married if I hadn't ever had this struggle? I always seem to go for guys who value fitness above all else. Perhaps because I myself am shallow in that way, but then I put those same expectations on myself as well to be perfect. So instead of finding someone who really, truly thinks I am perfect as I am... well, I find the ones who seem to value perfect bodies above all. *sigh*
Catch my drift? I'm kind of a mess to be honest. I'm 29 years old and still trying to figure it all out. Maybe there's a reason for it, I don't know. The thing is, I don't want my 30s to be defined by this. I feel that my 20s has been plagued by constant hatred of myself and who I am, what I look like. And while I'm entering my 30s much more confident than I was 10 years ago (thank goodness!) I still feel as though... I don't know. I feel like I should be much farther along in that area. While my friends are all mostly married, and raising their children and going about their happy suburban lives, I feel stuck in this phase of my life like I am never going to get out of it. And when I think I'm close, I just fall back into the same cycle again and again.
This has been probably the most disorganized post ever, but somehow it feels good to write this down and put it out there. Maybe someone else knows how I feel right now. Or maybe you're just reading this thinking, "Get a grip, Natalie, there are more important things to worry about!" Well, you are not walking in my shoes, and I'm not walking in yours. This is my journey and I'm just doing the best I can right now.
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