A few noteables for my list of life's goals:
See the Northern Lights (no joke! how cool would that be?)
Spend a summer traveling
Don't let stress control my life (working on that one now!)
I'm realizing how seldom I really live life. I go through each day, whether it's at work wishing that 7 pm would just get here, or spent at home just doing nothing. I don't know if doing something as fantastic as traveling in Europe really counts as living life, but as for truly enjoying life I think it definitely counts. Interestingly enough, I recently received a lecture from an old friend about how foolish it is to have these aspirations for life. ?? ...ok. I didn't realize that was wrong.
I talked with Allison tonight about life and stress. And how we have absolutely no outlet. I feel as though each day is so bleak and difficult. I don't really know if I'm struggling with depression, but I know that is definitely an emotion I have been feeling. Some days are great, but others are just awful. And it doesn't always have to be triggered by anything. *sigh* I feel as though I am always waiting for something amazing to happen, for life to suddenly be good. I don't really know what it is I'm waiting for, but my life feels like I'm just... in limbo. The Wood Between the Worlds, I believe, from Chronicles of Narnia. I feel as though I live my life waiting for a better time than this, and I don't even know what that is. I'm afraid I seem much happier than I am so much of the time.
Blowing off steam. Unfortunately this blog is one of the few outlets that I do have, and I'm sorry you even have to listen to this. Somehow it feels good to know somebody hears (or reads) it. Anyway, I need to be going because I'm off to work dark and early in the morning!
3 comments:
Believe me, you're not alone. Someone said to me today, "welcome to your mid-20s." An ominous welcome it was. This is where cynicism starts to really take hold, where we encounter the real world: no more teachers telling us how wonderful we are, no longer the structure of school where there are clear if difficult goals to achieve and move beyond. No longer are we in a position where people are paid to hang out with us and be our mentors (i.e. high school youth group and college ministries). It was a nice bubble while it lasted, yet sometimes it seems like getting thrown into the woods without a map or a flashlight. Even worse, the real world doesn't care what we think, feel or about us personally. I am discovering these things too, but perhaps in different ways/moments as each of us does so uniquely.
No solutions (how lame), but most if not all of us who read this blog understand how you feel.
I recently read an article by an English professor called "Graduate School in the Humanities: Just Don't Go." It completely freaked me out. He basically laid it all out there: the diminishing jobs (last year there were 922 students graduating with humanities PhDs and 400ish tenure-track jobs available.
The article forced me to examine my reasons for going to grad school, for choosing to continue with English, for wanting to be a professor, etc. I'm still not sure what the end result of it is except that it gave me a painful reality check that the future I envision is unlike (the article likened a person getting a tenure-track professor-ship to winning a lottery). Needless to say, Jacob was left more than a little dissuaded and disillusioned.
So, I decided I need a Plan B. I am still asking the questions: "why am I pursuing the career path I am pursuing? What do I expect from it? What is reasonable? What is not? Where do I compromise? How can I change everything if I've put so much time and money into something?" Painful questions to ask.
Sorry for the rant...
Being a nurse is definitely hard and not many people understand why. Its so much more than the "traditional" way we are portrayed. And it is frustrating when people don't understand what we do. One more day and then you get some rest! I'll be getting up with you tomorrow!
I hear you, Natalie. Seriously. "Adulthood" (or whatever this is) is so different from how I imagined. As I stare at an increasingly uncertain future and an emotionally exhausting present, I wonder what does it look like to live - really live?
I, in a sense, do feel like I'm totally in limbo. I honestly don't know what career path I am going to pursue... I feel like I change my mind constantly. It's a big, terrifying, broken world. And I want to be the kind of person that changes that, that fights for things that matter, that sees beauty and real joy in the mess, that takes risks and moves toward the painful places. But most days I am just overwhelmed by the brokenness.
I hope it helps to know you are not alone.
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