A Wonderful Week

I just got back from a wonderful trip to the Midwest to visit family.  My sister Melissa just graduated nursing school, so I flew in the night before her pinning ceremony.  It was a wonderful, wonderful week.  My entire family was there for Melissa's ceremony, and even a few cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandparents made it over!

The next day we headed over to the farm where my grandparents live.  It was just a relaxing time visiting, going to a bridal shower, lots and lots of family time, and a celebration of my grandparents' 65th anniversary.  Let me tell you, these two people are amazing.  I love them with all my heart and am so thankful to have them as my grandparents.  And after 65 years together, they are still in love!  I pray we still have many more left with them.  So many good times to be had yet!

I'm home and am definitely feeling a little (or a lot) homesick for family.  Though I love Spokane, I do miss the family connections and warm familiarity.  After the mess of the past year (as far as my relationship, break-up, and finally beginning the healing process) there was something so comforting in just being with family.  Relaxing on the farm, shared moments of laughter and joy with my grandma, (who is always finding something to laugh about!) long country runs, seeing cousins I haven't seen in years.  It's like while the past year and a half has changed me, grown me, stretched me, challenged me... I still have these roots.

Today I'm sad for the time with family I feel I am missing by living all the way out here.  The thing is, in Florida I didn't get any more time with family in the Midwest than I have while living here.  I suppose it just seemed a trip there was easier when made from Florida.  I definitely want to be more intentional about visiting my family there.  Yes, it's a longer trip and yes, a little more expensive.  And that's not what has kept me from visiting more often.  But life just gets busy and you don't make the time you should for those things.  I'm just realizing how much I really miss being part of family gatherings.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not second-guessing whether or not it is right for me to live here.  I still love my home in Spokane and don't intend on leaving anytime soon.  But I am resolving to be more intentional about getting back for visits and family gatherings.  I do work in a job that provides the time and means for more frequent visits than I have been doing.  Of course life happens and it's hard to make the time, but I will be more intentional about it.

I don't have much to look forward to about Christmas this year, but the nostalgia of it all has been my friend.  I try not to spend a lot of time thinking about the "good old days" (try, being the key word- sentimentality is something I fall prey to very easily) but at this time of year you kind of can't help it.

It seems like I can't hear a Christmas song without tying some memory to it.  I decided to write down some of them, if only for the therapeutic value for myself.

I've always loved Christmas.  Since I can remember as a young girl, it has been the one day of the year that I look forward to more than any other.  As I have gotten older, I've realized in large part that was because of Grandma and Grandpa.  They made Christmas what it was.  I took it as a given in those days, not realizing I would not always have that.  And, for a child, that's good.  But as an adult, I still miss it.

When we visited Grandma and Grandpa for Christmas, in the early days we would get there as early as December 17 and stay through Christmas day.  So our Christmas celebrations happened throughout the week, each one as good as the last.  We lived life with Grandma and Grandpa during those times, going to church with them (where we often would sit with Aunt Georgia and Uncle Dick- which, after reading Grandpa's diaries years later, he didn't always appreciate because then people thought we were their grandkids), grocery shopping with them (at Slop'n'Shave... I mean Shop'n'Save), helping in the kitchen, and taking walks to visit the cousins down the street. 

I hate to say it, but my heart really does ache for days like those.  I realize the reality that things will never be the same and that's simply the way it is.  I know I'm an adult in my 20s and should be well beyond yearning for the Christmases of my childhood.  But I'm not and I miss it, and it does help me to remember.  I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, because there's nothing to feel sorry for about it.  It is what it is, it's just part of growing up.

Four years ago, the last Christmas I spent with both of my grandparents, I wouldn't have imagined that at this time this would be how I spent Christmas.  Of course, I didn't know how long we would have Grandpa, because he was already in his 90s, but I never could have imagined Grandma would be gone as well.  It's just crazy how much things can change.

I hadn't anticipated how sad Christmastime would make me this year.

I really, really miss my grandparents at this time of year.  I just want to be able to drive up there on the 20th, sleep at their house, eat around the dining room table with all of the ones I love, candles in the middle of the table, with laughter and the warmth of togetherness.  I want to hear Grandma laughing, Aunt Georgia exclaiming how "loverly" everything is, Grandpa saying the dinner prayer that always went on for too long.

I want to sit at their kitchen window watching snow fall outside.  I want to drink green punch and eat party pizzas at the Christmas Eve party.  I want to go to Peck Hall and have the family parties we always did.

I love the memories, but they make my heart ache.  I don't know why.  Usually when I remember my grandparents I'm not sad anymore.  But maybe it's the time of year and knowing that I'll be by myself for Christmas this year that hurts the most.  Christmas has always, always been my favorite time of year.  But I don't know if that's the case anymore, at least not quite as much as it used to be.  Last night I watched Rudolph, and it really made me sad.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of Grandpa dying.  A lot, a lot has changed since then.

So sorry for the sad post today.  Sometimes you just miss people and you can't help but be sad, and that's how I am today.

First night I flew in I got to meet my new baby cousin, Alex!

While Melissa was at work, I drove into Grafton for something to do.  A very small, cute town on the Mississippi River.  Saturday night we went to one of the wineries there as well.

The Great River Road

I'm writing from the great state of Illinois!  I flew into St. Louis last night and got to go straight to my aunt and uncle's and meet my new little cousin, Alex.  Greg and Maria are in town also this weekend, as well as a few other cousins so I thought why not come up also?  Hoping for it to be a good weekend.  I'm happy to be with family.

I got to see my grandparents' memorial today for the first time.  They originally had told us they didn't want a headstone, but because they had purchased a plot many years ago we decided that we needed a place to remember them.  It is next to my grandma's parents headstone.  I just sat there thinking about them, talking to them, and crying.  It was so good.  I have already dealt with their loss, but sometimes it helps to cry and just remember.  I feel refreshed after that visit, almost like they were there with me.

Good to get away.  I need to get away more.

NYC- Part One

 New York City!  I have wanted to visit this city since I can remember.  Possibly prompted by my exposure to the movie Newsies, but my cousins and I used to watch the movie Annie and when that song NYC came on, I always imagined myself being there.  This past weekend that dream came true!!!  When I got off the plane I took a cab over to my cousin's, which was wonderful because I got to see the skyline with the sunset as we drove over.  Also getting a cab is an experience in itself.

I was so, so excited on my way into the city!!

My cousin Kat welcomed me with a little "New York survival package."  We drank some wine and chatted into the night.

Friday night, we made another dream come true and saw Newsies on broadway!  I can't even BEGIN to tell you how amazing it was.  The whole time, I could only think of all my old Newsies friends: Lindsey, Callie, Sarah, my sisters, Lauren.  I wished they could all be there with me.  During Carryin' the Banner I was suddenly overwhelmed with the memories and got teary-eyed.  How many memories of my childhood revolve around singing and dancing to the soundtrack, going to friend's Newsies-themed birthday party, taking on a character as our own, writing fan fic (yes, yes, we did), printing Newsies pictures off the internet for our Newsies scrapbooks, and so much more.  I realize how incredibly cheesy that sounds, but it's true. Though I've seen the movie hundreds of times, it's never had that effect on me like seeing it live.  To all of you Newsies friends who are reading this, know dat ya pal Mush was missin' ya!  Kid Blink, Racetrack, Spot, Crutchie, Jack, Boots, Bumlets... all of yous!

Of course, we dressed up a little to see our first musical!

Waiting for the show to begin!  The anticipation!

We did a lot more over the weekend but I'll have to post about it in hitches if I ever do get around to it or else I will bore you to death.  It was such a good, wonderful weekend.  New York City was everything I thought it would be.  I was afraid that because I have wanted to go for so long and always had this idea in my mind of what it was like that it would be a huge disappointment.  It wasn't.  I hope that someday I can go back.

Also, I turned 25 yesterday.  I went to New York just a young'un and came back wiser.

*sigh* Once again it's time to go back to work tonight.  I love vacations, but why does it have to be so hard to go back?  Not to mention my sister is in town this week, and I have to work the whole time.  Oh well.  She spent the night last night and we went to see Hunger Games so it was ok. 

My trip up north was good.  We went to my cousin's wedding, which was a lot of fun.  I love being with all my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  I'll tell you what, my grandma DOMINATES the dance floor!  How many people do you know that still play Who Let the Dogs Out by Baha Men at their wedding?  It all started when our first cousin got married eleven years ago and that song was popular, and my grandma thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Every cousin has since had it played at their wedding for her.  And she loves it.

Back home now, and back to reality... I know I am going out of town again next week but I will be doing nothing but working and sleeping until then.  So I feel really stressed out about it all.  I just have to think about the fun I'll be having in a week instead of stressing out about all I have to do until then.

Here's to a good week for all!

Magic Carpet Ride!  I couldn't ride this without singing "A Whole New World"

My mom and brother went off to join some friends, so my dad and I did the mad tea party together.  And I didn't get sick!  Yeah!

Small World... worthy of a good nap

If you go to Disney, you must stay for the Main Street Electrical Parade.  So much fun!

Here we are just after riding Expedition Everest.  So much fun!

My brother's favorite ride, The Primeval Wheel in Animal Kingdom.  Turned out to be a little scarier than we thought but somehow conned my mom into going on.

On the Kiliminjaro Safari

After riding the dinosaur ride.  That ride is a lot scarier than it sounds!

Disney was a LOT of fun!!  Although I'm a Disney veteran, I have never done two days of it in a row.  It was exhausting.  Seriously, how do people do four days of it?  No thank you.  One or two is enough for me.

Went back to work this week, turned out to be a challenging few nights but good.  Last night I left work feeling like I really made a difference.  One of my patients was going downhill... but the doctor wouldn't believe me.  That is really hard.  It wasn't worthy of a support team but that would have been my next step if I hadn't finally convinced the doctor that this patient had to be in critical care.  Of course, I'm a competent nurse but I work on a med-surg telemetry floor.  When I have 4-6 patients, I can't take care of a critically ill patient on top of all that.  I felt like a real patient advocate.  Woot woot!  Doing the job I'm supposed to on nurses week (and all the other weeks too)!

Easter

We called him "The Holiday Gorilla."

And then.... this happened.

Oops, I really thought we were all smiling in this one.

See, we can be normal!

The Toby's.
Hannah had to come late because of writing a paper, but she made it!

This is what happens when you get Bears and Kerchers together for Easter. Lots of fun pictures. Not having any of our extended family in town over the years, I have always felt like the Kerchers were our family. We went and saw Hunger Games last night after the festivities. It just gets better and better!

Upon our post-movie discussion, Lauren and I came to two conclusions. If we lived in Panem, who would we be? If I were thrust into the Hunger Games and forced to fight in the arena, I'm sure I would be just like Foxface. I like to think I am clever and could easily hide from people, surviving for a long time but never wanting to actually be apart of the bloodshed until absolutely necessary. However, upon further discussion, Lauren and I figured we'd probably be spoiled members of the Capitol. Crap.

Anyway, a good weekend was had and now another week begins. I was supposed to work tonight, but due to a hurt back and not feeling so well (sore throat coming on), I called out. I'll go back Thursday night and hopefully feel better by then. Have a good week, all!

I'm sad today. Been really nostalgic, and realized today that a year ago I was in Illinois, moving furniture into the assisted living facility where we anticipated my grandma would live. I have such mixed emotions about those days alternating between sweet and bitter. Those days were some of the most special ones I can remember.

I remember that day being incredibly rainy and overcast, but how excited all of us were for this final chapter of Grandma's life. We knew she didn't have many years left to live, but we knew that this was right for her. She would still have family nearby and perhaps make new friends and hobbies. When we realized her health was failing for good, we came together. It was almost like the family gatherings of the past, only it was sad.

No matter how old or young a person is, loss is loss. When two people have been such an important part of your life for so long are gone, there is such an emptiness without them. I experienced a lot of loneliness, because so few could understand the depth of grief around the death of grandparents. One thing I will never, ever do is downplay another's loss. Someone could be 105 and their death is a loss to someone.

This week I want to remember my grandparents in their healthier days. Once my grandpa wrote me an e-mail when I had expressed to him how much I missed them after coming home from Christmas. "I want you to have a good day. I know you miss us and we miss you, but we have to take life as it comes to us and enjoy it. You do have a good life in Florida. Say hello to everyone for me. Keep writing. Keep your letters coming. Keep the faith." Another time, when he wrote, "Goodbye for awhile. Don't take any wooden nickels. You are my sweetie from Tahiti, tweety tweety. Love, Paw Paw."

I don't want to focus on their loss, but on all I have gained from them through the years. I am so grateful to have had two such wonderful people to call my grandparents for 23 and 1/2 years. I want to remember the long walks in the evening, baking cookies with Grandma, listening to stories about the depression and the war from Grandpa. I wish they were still here, more than anything, but there's nothing that can change, because it is what it is. Can't wait to see them again someday.

I am home from a wonderful trip up to see family. Immediately after work on Saturday, I went to the airport to fly to St. Louis. It was wonderful to walk into my aunt and uncle's house and be greeted by familiarity and the ones I love. Christmas Day was wonderful, complete with my cousin Matt and his wife, Susan with their little girl Theresa (it wasn't long before "Santa Claus" came for a visit!") My other aunt and uncle visited for the afternoon as well, along with my cousin Jonathan. Wonderful, wonderful to see him!! He is doing so well, defied the odds we didn't know if he would beat.

We spent a few nights in the country at my grandparents' house. About 58 people were present, with 25 missing. Very wonderful to be with all of them. Our last night we played the game "Would You Rather?" making my Grandma read off the cards. She is hilarious, and it was one of the best nights of laughter I've ever had.

More and more I see the importance of family-- imperfections and all. I have struggled recently with the changes we are experiencing, the issues of transitioning from child to adult family relationships, among other things. My heart has filled with peace and forgiveness this week, that my burden is lighter and my outlook so much brighter. I realized that it is what it is, it was what it was, and I can make choices to be something else... that I am not destined to a life of bitterness and anger. Nobody or nothing can make me bitter or angry without my allowing for it to be so. What a freeing thought!

Happy New Year! I wonder what 2012 will bring?

Christmas Week

It is almost here! Christmas Day is one week from today. I love Christmas. My name means Christmas child, and I've always thought it quite an appropriate name for myself.

I work tomorrow night, then on Tuesday night my family and I are going to see Michael W. Smith's Christmas concert. I'm so excited about this- what a way to kick off the Christmas week. Saturday after work I will fly up to be with my family for Christmas. I'm very excited.

Melissa visited until Tuesday of this past week. It was a lot of fun! We were all together for the first time since this summer.

Last night the police and fire department gave us a Christmas treat- a parade through our neighborhood with their trucks decked out in Christmas lights, complete with Santa Claus. It really felt like Christmas, with all of them shouting out holiday greetings to us.

Merry Christmas!

My day yesterday:

9:30-3:00: Sleep

3:40: Doctor's appointment (which took way too long!)

4:40: Peppermint mocha from Starbucks

5:00-6:00: Chill time on my parents' new furniture-- sooo comfy!

6:00-9:40: Take a nap

Midnight-9:00 today: Sleep!

Exciting day, eh? The first one after work is often like that, although I don't always sleep quite that much. I have to say that working night shift gives one a great excuse to sleep . Not even an excuse, because I'm honestly that tired after work. Not only is working nights alone taxing, but my job is even more taxing. The combination is lethal. I already love sleeping, and night shift gives me more time to sleep than when I worked days.

My family put up our Christmas tree over the weekend. We got a real one this year-- first time since we stayed home in 2000! It is so beautiful and smells soooo good! I love Christmas!

When I say I love Christmas I don't mean it the way other people do. I LOVE Christmas! From the time I was 8 years old until at least high school, I kept a countdown on my wall that I would start during the summer and every morning when I woke up I would mark off another day. I have always listened to Christmas music at all odd times of the year. It's kind of embarrassing, really, how much I am obsessed with Christmastime. Perhaps it's the very idea of it all rather than the holiday itself, but I love anything associated with Christmas.

December is almost here. Hurrah, huzzah!!

Almost a year has gone since the death of Grandpa.

As I was leaving work this morning, I was thinking about the whole process of grief through the last year. The majority of the past twelve months have been a real process of grieving for me. I still remember when we knew he would die and thinking, "How will we go on without him?" It's amazing that a year ago at this time, I couldn't imagine a life without my grandparents. The hardest days were in March and April after my Grandma died. It was truly devastating.

I still miss him. I miss both of them. After my grandparents died, we found a beautiful note from Grandpa to my Grandma on Mothers Day '02. Grandpa often praised her, but their love was one that simply shouted itself from the rooftops and didn't need to prove itself to anyone but each other. To read this note was so beautiful, and gave me a whole new insight into the kind of man that he was. He ended with, "Will you please join me in several more years of wedded bliss? I don't want to move into the future without you." In another from Valentine's '99, he wrote, "Let's consider this as the first day of the rest of our lives..." As mushy as all that sounds, it was love that was tried and true, through 64 and 1/2 years.

I still miss Grandpa. A lot. The corny jokes he could tell, the unsolicited advice he gave, and the lectures on finding a husband starting from the day I turned 18. He would have loved to live to see every one of his grandchildren married. This last year of grieving has sucked. No doubt about it. But I hope my memory of him always remains as fresh and real as it is today.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy late Thanksgiving!

It was a great day. I had to work until 7am, so I slept until about 2:45. We ate a Thanksgiving lupper around 4:00 with the Kerchers and Warrens (friends who are family) and just had a good time visiting and being together. We planned the Friday morning shenanigans as well. Food was in abundance-- sweet potato casserole, corn casserole, turkey, stuffing, homemade mac'n'cheese, cranberry sauce, and my mom's famous homemade rolls! Dessert included apple pie, pumpkin pie, banana pie, ice cream, and homemade whipped cream. Am I making you hungry?

This morning we had our traditional Black Friday fun-- even though most of the stores opened at midnight last night, we still got up and left at 4am to hit the stores early. And we avoided the chaos of the doors opening and people rudely stampeding the aisles. I'd prefer it just the way it was today.

This afternoon I got a mani/pedi. My friend Lindsey had a great post about the importance of well-being. One of the things I do for myself is that. It's a way to relax, and it helps me feel better about myself when my toes and nails are painted. When I'm stuck wearing my ugly scrubs at work, at least my nails look pretty! Another thing is when I'm tired, I let myself rest. Take a nap. Watch an episode of NCIS (my new favorite show). What good am I if I'm always tired and stressed? My job takes a real toll on me. I think we are fooling ourselves when we feel as though we constantly have to be over-drawn, tired, stressed-- and that it's just the way it is. It's almost a martyr attitude (maybe a form of pride?). We don't know how to take time for ourselves, and I'm determined to do that. Perhaps as an introvert, it's easier for me than it might be for an extrovert.

Another old favorite I'm learning to love again: The Crocodile Hunter! That guy had a real passion for wildlife. Watch it and you'll love it too!

THE HOLIDAYS HAVE BEGUN!!!!!! YAY!!

Summer 2011- One for the Books

sMy summer involved a lot of the Kerchers.

uMy summer was Wednesday morning Starbucks with the Moms.

mIn May I got to see Josh Turner with my sister!

And what is summer without a Memorial Day weekend
church picnic?

I went to the beach a lot.

What is summer without good old fashioned VBS fun?
Doesn't get much better than this.

4th of July tie-dye goodness



And somewhere in there, I went to Camp Kulaqua
but did not bring my camera.... :(

I went to my grandparents' on the farm.
Just a few of us with Grandpa

And a few of us with Grandma.

Summer 2011 really was one of the best summers I've had in a long time! And it wasn't even summer vacation, because I'm not in school and I still had to work a lot. But it sure felt like a summer vacation in high school, which was so much fun. Between hanging with the Kerchers, VBS, Kulaqua, and going to Grandma's, I really had so much fun and almost felt like a kid again. Almost. I have to say, I'm sad to see it end.

With how emotionally difficult this last year has been, between losing my grandparents and various other issues, it was good to have this summer, to have some time that was for me. Yes, I admit it is selfish.

On the upside, Lauren and Brennan are getting married in a month. Yay! And my mom and I are planning a trip to DC in October with my brother and possibly my sister. Again, you say? Well, she was gonna go and I thought, I'm gonna tag along! Plans are still up in the air, but I sure hope it works out. It will be so much fun if it does.

So, you remember how I wrote yesterday that I was going to clean? Well, I did. I actually got a lot accomplished, and my room looks about sixteen times better than it did (with still a ways to go-- let's just say I'm not very domestic). Anyway, once I was finished for the morning, I collapsed downstairs in front of the TV watching 48 Hours (one of my weird obsessions-- yeah, I dvr that show) and found myself falling asleep. "Ok," I say, "I need a nap, I'll just go upstairs to my room so I'm not in my roommates' way." Fast forward six hours: 7pm I wake up! I couldn't believe it! All the while I knew I was taking a ridiculously long nap, but I was so tired and I just couldn't get myself out of bed.

So then I'm going to bed again by 10pm, asleep by probably 11 or so. And now here I've been awake since 5am. I think I'm gonna make a Starbucks run, then have to take a nap again later (I work tonight- I actually have to this time).

So, am I just incredibly lazy? Or is it just that I have the time, I take advantage of it, and it's ok? None of my friends could do this with kids, so I guess I should be grateful I have the time to rest right now. But sometimes I'm also worried. Lately I've been way more fatigued than before (yes, even since I started night shift), I've been achy, and had absolutely no energy. None. So how long do I let this go on before seeing a doctor, and not be labeled a hypochondriac? (I do not like doctors and avoid them like the plague... ironic, I know) Maybe I'm just fatigued, and lazy, etc, etc.

I've now gone and come from a visit with family. It was a wonderful trip. I will post pictures eventually, but since I'm not on my computer I can't.

We brought home a few more mementos and many more pictures from my grandparents. If there's one thing my grandparents were (and there were many), it was avid photographers. Not professional by any means, but they both loved to photograph life, and especially those that they loved: family. My grandma took over in the later years, as my grandpa's eye sight deteriorated with macular degeneration.

I can't even believe the sheer amount of photos we have obtained from them. And really, it isn't even all of them, as both of my dad's brothers got some as well.

Just before my dad was born. My grandpa is
the smiling man on the far left, and my grandma
is the smiling lady on the far right. That is also my great-grandpa, and my great Aunt Georgia. Those are my two uncles as well as my dad's cousin Ellen (the baby).
Birthdays have always been a big deal in my family.

Cute little 1950s family. I think life really was so happy.
My dad is the baby.

Celebrating Great-Grandpa's birthday.
My dad is on the far right- a little Greg Brady-esque.
Again, birthdays were a big occasion.

Three brothers- my dad is on the right.
All these guys are awesome fathers, two of them
now grandfathers. All three are honorable men.

St. Louis Zoo 1988. I'm the baby in the backpack.

Me playing on the swing set. I'm probably about two.

Us kids, with our special addition.
My grandma always took 5am pictures of us before we drove home.

Family on Christmas Day 2008- all happy :)

I love memories.

Was the past really as wonderful as the memories? Do we paint it to be better than it really was? I don't know. I do know that the past is a secure place. One where we know the outcome-- or at least some of the outcome. I can smile at a warm memory, because I know how wonderful it turned out to be. It is sometimes hard to feel secure in the present in light of the future, because we do not know what that future is. However, I'm sure that these, too, are days that I will miss.

June passed quickly and here we are, nearing a week into July. What a busy, fun summer it has been already! I haven't had a summer like this in a long time.

The 4th was great! I started the day off going to the beach with Hannah, Catherine, and Lauren. Parking was a you-know-what and we drove around almost an hour just to find a spot. But our time on the beach ended up being a lot more fun. We played in the waves awhile, and I'm glad to say I didn't get sunburned at all! Yay, Neutrogena 45 SPF that lasted three hours! I didn't even need to re-apply.

The Kerchers came over to my parents' house in the evening, and it was such a good time. Sitting around eating dinner, talking, laughing, walking to the river in the intense humidity (magnifies the heat at least 100X if you ask me), and back home to watch Macy's 4th of July fireworks from the air conditioning of our home, all in all a great day. Friends that are like family are the best. Our family away from family, but really they are family to us.

In less than two weeks I will be trekking south of Gainseville to work with my sister as the camp nurse. And now that it's this close, I'm scared to death and hoping for a calm week. Those kids better behave and not do anything stupid. After that, I will work another several days and then it's on to visit family up north. It will be fun, of that I'm sure.

I've spent the last few days at my parents' while my sisters were in town. It's been a fun time, just being together. From the time I was nine years old, I have kept diaries. I found some of my old ones and got them out, reading some of it aloud to my family. It generated a lot of laughs, until one of my sisters chided my seventeen-year-old self for some of the things I wrote. They weren't things about others (though I did have my fair share of gossip and criticism interspersed) but the things I wrote about myself.

I wrote out the many lies I believed about myself throughout my diaries in high school: I am ugly. I will never be worth anyone's time. I am stupid. I am fat. I need to eat less. I need to exercise more. I have no friends. I am boring, and not worth knowing. Essentially, everything I said about myself was that I'm not enough, and I'm worth nothing. I remember believing those things about myself, but I don't remember them prevailing through so many of my thoughts and actions. It makes me sad to look back on the way I viewed myself in such a terrible way.

I don't know why I thought those things. I believed the lies of Satan and the world, telling me that I wasn't good enough. I was so sure that the minute I believed that I might be beautiful, or that who I am was enough, along would come someone shooting me down, rejecting me. What a fool I would be to think highly of myself in any way, and so I continued on in my self-centered thinking that I was worthless. It isn't as if I had parents who didn't love me, or tear me down, I was well loved throughout my life. Yet somehow I allowed these thoughts to creep in, to take over, to control me. I thought it was ok, even right, to tear myself down.

I hope I can say that I have come a long way. I think I have in learning to see myself as beautiful. It feels wrong to say that, conceited. I don't have false vanity in believing I am beautiful in the world's definition of the word, but in owning my own beauty (because, let's be honest, nobody looks like me-- and nobody looks like you either!). Letting my stubbornly curly hair do its thing, wearing my 4-inch heels even if I am 6 feet tall, and simply not worrying so much because I am not a size 4.

I wish I could say I had a spirit that was beautiful, but I'm afraid that is a long work in progress. I'm more ashamed to speak of where I am as a person, as a Christian, than to talk about my looks. I do hope that one day, people will be able to look back on my life as that of a beautiful woman in every sense of the word.

Happy Memorial Day! Today I think of our military, past and present, protecting our freedoms. I also think of my Grandpa, who once spent four years of his life serving in the US Army during WWII. It seems like this past week has brought a lot of memories of both of my grandparents, from my grandma's birthday to Memorial Day, and many moments in between. I like being able to remember, and not always feeling so sad when remembering them.

It was a good, relaxing weekend. Saturday I went with my family to our church's picnic on the lake. There really isn't anything more relaxing than a day on the lake. I can appreciate it especially when I'm more used to the crowded, sunny, sandy beach. There is something really relaxing about a serene, shady lake. Yesterday after church, the Warrens invited us over for lunch. It really was a fun and relaxing time. They, as well as the Kerchers, are the closest thing we have to family down here.

My sister is visiting this week from St. Louis, which I'm really excited about. I have to work some while she is here, but I'm just going to enjoy the time that I have with her. I hope that all of us can be together at the same time, which never happens anymore. Even this week at the lake, with just the five of us, I realized that is normal for our family now- just five. I miss when it was seven of us. I don't know how people with small families can deal when just one person moves away and they are down to just a few.

So now I'm just relaxing for the day with a movie, and will probably clean some later. My landlord is coming by this week to check out a leaky sink, and I don't want him thinking we've trashed the place! Not that it should matter to him that there is clutter, but still.

Life has found a new rhythm for the summer, and it is a relaxing one. I hope it stays this way for awhile.