Today I'm tired of pretending that everything is ok. That everything is happy and just the way it is supposed to be. This past year has been hell. No, not the worst stuff that anyone has had to go through, but emotionally things that have happened have been too much for me to bear. Not even stuff I've shared on this blog, and probably never will. I'm tired of putting on a front that I'm happy all the time and do and say the right things. Something's got to give at this point.

I'm angry because I feel like God is holding out on me in so many ways. I want to say that I trust His plan and know that He knows what is best for me. And while I know in my head that is true, my heart doesn't seem to register it on most days. My life is nowhere that I thought it would be at this point. Forget the career and salary, where the hell is my life actually going?! I have a whopping total of three friends in town right now, all of whom have awesome things happening to them that I probably never will. I don't know what it is I did differently that my life has turned out so differently, but it has. The older I get, the less others are able to relate to me because my life isn't following the path that it is "supposed to."

I know my emotions are keener today than on most days, as it has just been kind of an emotional day for no real reason. Hopefully this will pass and I can go on being ok with my life as usual, but today I'm not ok with my life. I know it could always be worse, and I'm not discounting the struggles that other people have in their own. It's just... when did things get so difficult to handle? Even just a few years ago, life seemed so much simpler. In retrospect I suppose it is always like that.

I could really use prayer today, if you are so inclined.