Just as life seems it's getting back to a new rhythm, some of the sadness behind me, and I think the worst of my grief may be over, another surge of sad news comes along. I'm not supposed to talk about it much, because my grandma is very private, but I simply can't keep it all in. Without going into any detail, my grandma, who just lost her husband of 64 years not three months ago, is not doing very well.

I'd had visions of years of Christmases and family gatherings to come, Grandma at the center of it all, happy and whole surrounded by her family who loves and supports her. I can't accept that this may not be.

Can your heart actually break, because I feel as though mine will. My pain and grief are selfish, really. I want her here. I need her still, she has always been there. I know she is ready, she is alone, and she wants to be with Grandpa.

I know it's the cycle of life. I know, but I can't come to terms with it. My grandpa was already someone who was such a rock in my family's and my life, and he's gone. I don't know what time table we are talking about with my grandma, but I just feel the grief of it all already.

I've never had to deal with real loss in my life before December, and I have no idea how to. How do you carry on, really? I feel as though I numb the reality of life by keeping myself busy and occupied as much as possible. Two nights before my trip to Washington, DC, just three weeks before my grandpa went into the hospital and a month and a few days before he died, my grandparents called me. I didn't call them, they called me and I still feel guilty over that fact alone. We talked about my new town house (I think my grandpa may have throw in a few lines about self defense in there somewhere, something he was notorious for when it came to our safety), my job, my upcoming trip, and they were so excited for me. I got teary-eyed listening to my grandpa's weak, shaky voice stumbling over words. I did pause that night, thinking about them. Then the conversation ended, and I was off on my big trip to the Capital. It was soon after we got back that he was put in the hospital, and it just seemed day after day, the reports got worse and worse.

I don't know why I bring that up, I guess I just feel as though I've carelessly spent my time so selfishly, not knowing how precious each conversation and moment with someone is. I feel like a selfish brat, even this week I've spent my time off shopping, painting my nails, doing my hair, going to movies, just frivolous things. I don't know why I berate myself over it. It isn't as if depriving myself of the small pleasures would change anything.

I'm thankful I already have a trip to Illinois planned for March 1. I had no idea when I planned it that this would happen. I'm so thankful I will have precious moments to spend with my wonderful grandma. My grandma. I will have to tell you all about her sometime, she's an amazing lady. I hope I can be just like her, but so far I'm failing miserably.