Completely

"For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us.  Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us.  But we can still love them- we can love completely without complete understanding." -Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through it

I watched this movie early this morning during another bout of insomnia.  I was struck by its message, its poignance, its truth.  The movie ended quite abruptly... no loose ends tied, and the message in the end was essentially the above quote.

What's funny, is the above quote is something I have already learned as I've become an adult.  I feel at times that I don't know how to love my family.  I know I don't do it well... I don't know what part of myself to give.  I feel at times what I have to give is never enough.  Not that it's not wanted, but that it's the wrong expression of love.  I'm not exactly the most emotionally expressive person... and the way I show my love never seems like it's right.  And I just feel sorry I can't be better at it.

I've carved out my own place in this world, and while at times I've found there are things I disagree with among my family members (I am not singling out any one of them-- and I'm quite certain that all of my adult siblings would have the same to say), there are differing philosophies, there are hurts, there are periods of silence... yet I can still love completely.  In my own way.  But I know I don't do this well.

I don't want this post to be misinterpreted as any more than exactly what I am saying.  First of all, I respect my family and their privacy.  Though I will always be honest where family is involved, I don't wish to say hurtful things either.  So please don't read any further into this than what has been said.

I just was struck by that message this morning--so much so it brought tears to my eyes-- and when I woke up from my pre-work nap this afternoon it was still with me.  I am asking myself, "How do I love completely?"  And right now, there's no answer.  And maybe it's something I need to figure out... maybe that's what life is about.

Maybe I'll get to the end of my life and finally be able to say-- I loved, and I loved well.