There has been a strange peace in the last couple of days. Although my emotions are still running high, God has been giving me a peace in my heart.

My grandmother fell two nights ago and broke her femur. She is scheduled to have surgery, and the doctor thinks that her recovery will not be too bad. I feel terribly for her though. I spoke with her this morning and she is such a strong woman. We are praying her recovery will be fast. I believe it will.

Work.... is terrible lately. I had to call out today, because I was at work until 9 last night and woke up with a headache and knew that I would NOT be able to make it today and not have something bad happen. Why? Well, I was barely a good nurse yesterday. Take a medication error (don't want to talk about it except that my patient was ok, but I felt like a terrible nurse and still do), a DNR patient that is going down and I can't call in support team but still have to intervene, calling doctor after doctor, because DNR means do-not-rescuscitate (not do-not-treat), another very sick patient, a needy patient, a demanding patient, and one very sweet patient who was so patient with me.... yes, it was a day. On top of all that, there is so much on my mind outside of work.

I feel completely incapable of this job. Like, I don't know how long I can do this. Don't know if I have mentioned it yet, but I am switching to nights in January. We will see how that goes. I am trying to get away from completely overwhelming, want-to-shoot-myself kind of stress (not really, but you know what I mean!). My hair will be gray by 30 at this rate. Please, if you are ever hospitalized, or your family is, have mercy on your nurse. You don't always know what is going on behind the scenes. I'm not saying that there aren't nurses who are lazy or don't care, but 95% of the time if your nurse does not come the instant the call light is hit, he or she is probably taking care of another patient who is very, very sick-- in the same way you would want him or her to take care of your mother or father in that situation. A nurse can only be in one place at one time. Yet the expectations of Super Man are put on us. Save lives, while satisfying all of your other patients' nit-picky needs like fresh water in a pitcher or meds being given at precisely 0900 (do they realize that all 6 of my patients' meds are due at 0900???). I know I signed up for this job, and don't want anyone pitying me for it, but sometimes the stress is really too much.

Well, that was quite a rant. I am thankful for a job, it is really hard but I know that there are people who would love to have a job like mine, even with its stress. I need to be more thankful. I just need an outlet, I suppose.

Well, on to the week. Things I am thankful for today: My boss gave me a couple of bereavement days to be able to go to my grandpa's memorial service. I am SO thankful for that right now. And my amazing family. I would be where I am or who I am today without any of them.