July 2010I don't know that other than when my Grandpa died, I've ever truly grieved before. When Grandpa died, we were all very sad. But in a sense, we had been prepared for this for a couple of years as his health had been declining. Since my Grandmother died, I have watched various members of my family, myself included, go through waves of normalcy, devastation, denial, and it seems to cycle through those three states of mind.
I've never understood those who grieve in the past. It sounds awful, but at times I wondered why a person could struggle so hard to go back to normalcy when losing a loved one. However, I'm quickly realizing just how hard it really is. I laid on my bed yesterday in tears, and had to call out of work because I couldn't pull myself together.
I kind of don't care what people think when I tell them my grandparents died and they wonder why I'm in such a state of complete and utter devastation. Draw your own conclusions. Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm dramatic, maybe I don't know how to deal with loss, or maybe I am just emotionally unstable. I don't know if this grieving is normal, but it's how I'm grieving. The reality is, we have lost a wonderful Grandmother and friend, and one who we thought we would have for a long time yet.
We were reading one of my Grandmother's diaries from 1942 yesterday. It was very sweet, but in reading it I realized how much alike she and I are, and I never realized that before. She was easily anxious, emotional, and shy. As I read entries she wrote as a 19 year old girl, I realized that life hasn't always been easy for her, nor has it for my Grandpa. Life threw a lot of curve balls at them, they experienced losses greater than I can yet imagine. I don't suppose you develop the strength of character they did without experiencing struggles in life.
I remember when 2011 began, saying to myself that this year had to be better. Obviously it hasn't been so far, but I'm realizing something. I can't measure life by its tragedies and joys. Sure, one year may seem better than another, but life isn't about protecting yourself from heartache, and at the end of the year coming out in the clear. I don't know, maybe I'm completely off in this. If I hadn't loved so fiercely, this wouldn't have hurt so much. So maybe the point is to just enjoy the time you have with loved ones because you never know when your last moments may be. And don't be afraid to love. Those hours I spent sitting in the hospital room, while my Grandma was still seemingly well that first week, were so precious. I can't even believe God gave that to me-- what a gift!
Well, again, it's time for me to close or I'll just end up writing a book on here. Forgive me for my ramblings, but it has been therapeutic for me to talk about my dear Grandparents.
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