Do you ever find yourself constantly longing for the past...
At the same time, anxious for the future, for "life" to truly begin?

I have spent the majority of probably the last six years, stuck in this paradoxical mindset.

In longing for the past, I failed to simply find contentment and thankfulness that I was given such wonderful memories, whether they be that with my family, with friends, or at church. I resisted (and still do resist) change, usually to find out in the end that I liked it (usually when another change came along to replace the old one). I can remember when my Aunt Georgia was very sick, I spent a lot of time wishing for us to have the more vibrant, healthy Aunt Georgia back with us. Instead of being grateful that we had Aunt Georgia with us. The same could be said about my grandfather, although I think I had a strong sense of knowing from a very young age that each moment with him was precious--he was just that kind of guy.

Whenever I looked too far into the future and wished it were here now, I never realized what I was wishing away: time you can't get back. Time with people who grow old, a carefree youth that you only get once, and so much more came with that time that I wished away. Do I rush through the moments with my own parents, completely unaware that they will not be here forever? Thirty or forty years isn't such a very long time, or at least it will go very quickly. Sometimes I do wish there were a way to turn back time, to recapture such beautiful moments that you can never get back, when instead I fail to look for the beautiful moments now.

And yet here I sit: lost in memories of things that once were, but also longing for a happier, more secure future. Why can I never seem to find contentment in my life where I am? I have my parents, my sisters and my brother, I still have two wonderful grandparents on my mom's side, and many wonderful aunts and uncles and cousins. I have a job, as much as I am stressed out of my mind by it, that pays the bills and lets me spend a little, I'm independent and self-sufficient financially. It occurred to me the other day, as I felt very sorry for myself, that perhaps there will come a time that I look back on this and say, "Those were the days."

I'm going to make an effort to find the beauty in life in the now. Even in the moments that I feel angry, or that I don't have a good life. This week, I had a lot of special time with my little brother which included a fun trip to the zoo one day, and a trip to the St. Augustine fort another day. I have another day and a half off before I have to go back to work. Let's see how awesome it can be!