I was always the skinny girl growing up.  I remember in jr. high, my mom bought me a size 1 Arizona jeans from JC Penney.  They were HUGE on me.  And I fit them until early high school, when I sort of began to fill out and fit size 4 and 6.  Then I decided I was fat and attempted dieting, where years of having a preoccupation with food and calorie-counting and diets began.  I hovered around a size 6 and never got above a size 8 in high school, and I thought I was fat.

I feel less fat today than I did then (though I look at pictures of myself in those days and can't believe how skinny I was).  And I wear a size 12 now.  I'm not even embarrassed to tell people that.  Yeah, I'm not skinny.  I know that and really, if people ask me if I'm pregnant (has happened multiple times...) it doesn't bother me.  Once a patient of mine asked and she cried because she felt so badly.  She couldn't believe I wasn't offended, but I just shrugged and said, "you aren't the first person to ask me that."  What's the worst thing someone could say to me?  Certainly not that.  (and for the record... I really don't look pregnant, I just don't have a flat stomach)

Come on, we've got beautiful women like Kristina Hendricks and Queen Latifah representing full-figured women in Hollywood!  I'm not saying I compare to either one in any way, but I certainly am curvy and proud of it.  I grew tired of striving to be a smaller size years ago.  But only in the last year or two have I really begun to appreciate myself and the way I look, even if it doesn't measure up to society's standards.  Not to mention I'm six freakin' feet tall and a size 12 on me is probably more equivalent to an 8 or 10 on shorter girls.

I know I would probably look better with 10 or so pounds off.  Sometimes I look at runway models and think, "Gee, wouldn't it be great to look like that?"  I'm not pretending to always feel secure and love myself, or say there aren't things about my body that I dislike.  But it has been so freeing to realize that it's ok to be happy the way that I am and to like what I see in the mirror.  I can still wear super-cute clothes and jewelry and show my own style.

That stupid saying "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" is bull.  First of all, skinny girls don't feel skinny.  Many of the ones I know think they're fat.  Second of all, wanting to be skinny shouldn't be the goal.  And third, I think part of enjoying life is not obsessing over what you can and can't eat.  If you want a cupcake, eat the damn cupcake.  Just don't eat six.

All this to say, the odds of me ever being a size 4 again are slim.  I'm not going to tear myself apart because of the way that I look.  I could probably eat better and exercise more and look a little more toned, and that would be great.  However, today I am happy with the way I am.