Transforming Myself for the Better

All right, I'm back and after only a day!

Since I've started my journey toward being healthy, I've had a lot of people ask me just how I've done it.  I think maybe they expect to hear I've gone on some cleanse or extreme diet.  That there's some magic food or pill I've found that helped me drop the weight.

Honestly, the answer is simple and hard at the same time.  I've exercised a 5-6 days a week, and eaten intuitively.  I've done it the long, hard way.  In other words, instead of a crash diet that would have had me dropping this weight in half the time, I've worked very hard and ate healthily to get to where I am.  Because I've crash dieted in the past and failed, I knew that was something I didn't want to do.  I wanted this to be a true lifestyle change.  Not the ones you hear about on TV where "lifestyle change" barely even fits into your actual lifestyle.  I knew that I wanted to still be able to go out with friends and have a drink or a big meal and not beat myself up about it.  In other words, I have my cake and eat it too-- but I get up the next day and pick back up my healthy eating habits.  I don't allow it to be a daily occurrence like it once was.

For me this was not just about wanting to "look hot."  Sure, I want to look my best.  But my weight was giving me a myriad of health problems.  My lack of activity was beginning to rear its ugly head in the form of health problems no 26-year-old should be dealing with.  If this was as good as it was going to get, then I was going to be really depressed about life.  No, I want to feel young and healthy and energetic.  And I didn't.

I decided to go ahead and upload some photos.  I have some "before" ones, but honestly I still can't bring myself to let anyone see them.  I still feel like that girl... my self esteem hasn't quite caught up with the rest of me yet.  I'll get there.

This was taken in late June.  When I was first seeing results from my efforts.  I rewarded myself by getting a new workout outfit at Gap and of course, taking a selfie in the dressing room mirror. 

Swimming with my sister.  This is just from a few days ago.  I felt so good! 

See?  I do eat sweets sometimes!  This was from Kilwin's-- I can't remember what it was called but it had milk chocolate, pecans, and caramel.  I also had fro-yo right after.  Delish. 

From dinner on that same night- a mojito.  Again, I like to indulge sometimes! 

And from today.  My wardrobe has basically gone down to nothing so I had to go to Target for some affordable clothes.  Sad that I now have a wardrobe of clothes I can no longer wear, but I'm excited about starting to build a new one! 

And I decided to fancy it up on Instagram with a filter and border.  Makes my life look so whimsical, doesn't it!  Less classy though when you realize it's a selfie in the Target dressing room.  And I bought both of the above outfits.

I don't usually let a month go by without posting anything here.  I haven't really had a whole lot to say. I've been busy with working and living life.  Doing a lot of thinking, taking care of myself.

I feel like I'm in the best place I've been in a long time-- maybe ever.  I feel better than I've ever felt.  I've made strides I didn't think I could make.

I've kept up with my walking all summer.  This week I changed it to running, and amazed myself by running a mile straight-- two different days.  It doesn't sound like much but for me, it is.  I know that the extra weight I was carrying was holding me back from being able to do that.  Something that I thought would be impossible a few months ago I have been able to do, and it wasn't even that hard.  I'm already starting to think about possible 5k runs.  This would never have been the case three months ago!

And another new activity I've added this week: swimming.  I love it!  My sister Hannah is training for a light triathlon and asked me if I would want to swim with her to help keep her motivated.  Turns out I'm actually pretty good at it, plus it's great exercise!  I've been needing something new for awhile now.  Variation keeps me from getting bored, and makes me love being active!

So I'm celebrating small victories this week.  I think the small victories really are the biggest ones.  They have come when I've least expected them, and resulted from a lot of hard work.

Over The Weekend

I had a pretty good weekend, I'd say.  Saturday I spent the morning with Lauren at the beach for her birthday.  We went to Cruiser's Grill afterward, and enjoyed great hamburgers, chips and queso.  I've never been to Cruiser's Grill but apparently it's a really popular spot at Jax Beach.  And now I know, and you do too.  Try it out!

Later on, I got together with Bela at Starbucks to catch up.  We have tried again and again for six months to find time to get together, but it didn't work out until now.  It was great to catch up, an afterward we met up at Olive Garden for dinner with her sister Priti and her mom Miss Gita.  It was such a great time!  We laughed a lot.

Post-beach shot with Lauren at Cruiser's Grill.  GREAT hamburgers! 

Seeing Bela was lots of fun! 

This picture was retaken several times because I had a tree sticking out behind my head.  Turns out that tree was just my hair.

Friends! 

Bela with her mom and sister Priti

Health Tips

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional at this and realize that different methods work for different people.  This is just from my own experiences with my health, and I thought that it might help someone else as well.  Because none of us are perfect and I'm gonna be real with you about my health and my choices (because sometimes, you just gotta enjoy a really good cheeseburger!).

So, as I've been changing up my diet and lifestyle I've definitely been finding ways to do it and ways to not do it.

Of course in the past, I've talked about how controlling I've been before with my diet once I start focusing on that.  So controlling I reach the point of being malnourished and starving, and end up completely falling off the wagon with one binge.  So, what's been different this time around?  I thought I'd put together a list of the things I've found helpful that work for me.

First of all, not thinking of this as a diet.  In fact, there are no foods that are off limits for me.  Sometimes I even have a lot of the food most would consider "bad" (I don't like to think of any food as bad-- if it tastes good and I enjoy it, just because it isn't the healthiest doesn't mean it's bad).  Once I start thinking like that, the days that I don't eat those foods become easier.  Saying no becomes easier, because I know that in a few days at dinner with friends or at a family function, I will get to enjoy something I really want.

Walking has become a great form of exercise for me.  I started out walking because I wanted to start running.  I knew I was nowhere near enough in shape for running, so I would walk first and build up.  As time went by, however, I realized how much I truly enjoy my walks.  And how much I completely hate running.  So why make myself miserable by trying to cave to the pressure of being a runner (I've always felt like running is the hippest, most acceptable form of exercise, and all other exercise is inferior).  Ok, so walking longer distances takes longer than running them.  But I've found that it really makes me slow down and have time to myself that is totally uninterrupted.

Ok, so as a former fast food junkie and junk food lover, how have I found healthy foods that taste good?  Well, I simply eat the things I like that are healthy.  Keeping a dozen boiled eggs in the fridge, bananas and natural peanut butter, apples, as well as other healthy snacks on hand is helpful.  I find that cutting portions significantly doesn't work for me.  I'll always go back for more, and end up eating more than if I would just take what I want at the time.

And another thing?  I don't worry about fat content in food.  I'm not saying I just eat tons of high fat foods, but I think one of the biggest failures in the past for me was trying to cut fat out almost completely.  Talk about never feeling satisfied.

I think the number one thing I have done that has helped me the most is cutting out almost all processed, white carbs and sugar from my diet.  Believe me when I say I was eating a lot of that crap every day.  Lots of times every day.  Once I cut those from my diet, one of the first things I noticed was that I wasn't bloated anymore.  I didn't realize how much that stuff was wreaking havoc on my system.  Sometimes I still have some, but again-- not every day.

So those are my helpful tips when going healthy.  At least it's what works for me.  Different things work for different people.  I know some people can't allow themselves access to any of their favorite foods at all.  Some people have to have a little cheat food every day.  It's different for everyone, but I thought I'd just share the things I've learned and adapted to my own lifestyle in the past several weeks.

I have lost about 16 pounds so far, but honestly the best thing I've gotten out of this is how good I am feeling.  Of course, I've dealt with people making rude comments.  But the energy that I now have is the best thing I could ask for.  And that isn't to say I don't have bad days.  I had one last week, as you know if you follow my blog.  But overall I feel like my health and well-being has done a 180 and that feels good.

a bad day...

Having a bad day.

Man, it really sucks to have a bad day.  I feel like these are the days where no matter how many pep talks I give myself, I'm still not enough.  Today, right now, I don't like myself.  I feel that hard work isn't paying off, and I'm frustrated.  Even though I feel better (and I'm glad for that, don't get me wrong) I just wish I could change the way I look overnight.

And feeling like an ugly duckling in a world of beautiful, skinny people, I am sure that is what's wrong with me.  I just saw on facebook this week a girl that I led in small group (a good six or seven years younger than I) just got engaged.  It isn't to say I'm not happy for her.  But WTF!  It just makes me go down the line and look at every person I know who's married wondering what they've got that I haven't.  I don't normally give two craps about it, but for some reason I'm just in a really negative mindset today.  So please, don't mind me.

I did have a productive day so far.  I went grocery shopping and got my apartment clean!  That's a good feeling.  I always let it get messy, then after I clean it I swear that I will never let it get that way again.  Ha!  I have gotten better about the maintenance of it compared to a couple of years ago.  But still... it's kind of embarrassing how horrible my domestic skills are.

I have plans to go to the beach tomorrow with a friend, and meet up with my nursing school bff Bela tomorrow night.  So there are reasons to be happy!  Just have to look for them.

Hope you are having a better day than I am.  I know I will feel better, but I just need a chance to feel lousy for now.  That is all.

Health Thoughts for the Week...

Some thoughts on health and body image...

Happiness is a feeling.  Fat is not.

Fat will not determine my level of happiness.  Certainly, when I am taking care of myself I feel better.  I have more energy.  When I eat a well-balanced meal as opposed to an unhealthy one, I feel less inclined to make unhealthy choices later on.

Neither is fat a moral failing.

Wanting to lose weight and wanting to be healthier is not a moral failing.  Obsessing over it is unhealthy.  Using "thinspiration" and body comparison is unhealthy.  My body is not like anyone else's and therefore I will not use that method.  My body tells me when I am hungry, and I listen to it.  Sometimes my body tells me when I want (rather than need) something, and that is ok too.

Food is part of life's enjoyment.  It should be eaten and enjoyed.  If I eat a donut and enjoy it, (and I did, just this morning) I have no reason to feel guilty.

Finding a balance is a process.  I feel better today than I did a month ago, and that is what makes me happy.  It is not a feeling of fat or skinny or in-between.  And this isn't to say that those conflicts don't or won't arise within me.  But I am learning to really evaluate everything I am thinking about myself and my body image... does that make sense?

Sorry for the scattered thoughts.  And sorry for so much of the same stuff in the past couple of weeks here.  Haven't had much to say lately on this blog.

I wonder what makes people think that they have the right to tell you what they think of your body.  Or thought of your body before you began a transformation.  For one, the fact that I am making efforts to be healthy and exercise and take care of myself does not automatically mean I have spent the past three years hating my body.  In fact, it was only recently that I fell into that mindset.

My point is, I was fine with my body at the time, why weren't you?  What makes you think that you can insult me for the way I looked for so long, just because I look a little different now?

I feel like I should make the disclaimer that this was not a family member or close friend who made this comment.  None of them ever would.  It just reinforces how I feel about the idea of each individual's body image.  It's different for everyone.  And it is simply never ok to talk to someone about their weight, their size, their eating or their exercise habits unless they ask you.  What is wrong with our society that we think we have the right to do that?  I have no problem with someone commenting about my weight loss, but when you take it a step further to insult the way I looked for so long (and so very recently), it hurts.

Anyway... thankfully I do feel much better than I did and it hasn't discouraged me at all.  Just reinforced the fact that people can be real assholes.  Well, that is all for now.

thoughts on being healthy from a slightly chubby almost-26-year-old

Well, it happened again... but this time it was a little more real.

I had to look at myself in the mirror, square in the face, and come to terms with reality.  I'm unhealthy.  I don't exercise.  I don't eat right.  And I feel like crap... all the time.  I carry extra weight that I've especially packed on in the past year, and I don't feel good about myself.  And I've thrown out my back a total of four times in my life, the most recent of which put me in the ER after passing out from extreme pain.  This should not be happening to a 25 year old!

For the past week I've been on what I guess you would call a diet, though I'm trying very hard not to think of it as such.  I prefer to think of it as a purging of the daily bad habits that I've developed, and learning new habits.  For instance, processed carbs.  I haven't had them in over a week.  And let me tell you, I'm a text-book carb addict.  And the thing is, I'm fine!  I haven't keeled over and died from not having french fries or chips or cheez-its!  (Not to mention I have yet to feel bloated once since I've cut those out of my diet-- that was a daily feeling for me)  For now, I'm trying to cut out red meat.  And I've added in an abundance of fruit and vegetables to my diet, along with walking several days a week.

Ok, ok.  I've just started and so I haven't fallen off the wagon, and I'm still kind of excited about trying to change my ways.  The way I'm looking at it is, there's no wagon to fall off of.  If I have a bad day and overeat pizza or ice cream, instead of looking at it as a failure I will try to pick myself up again and get right back at it.  Because eating something you really want isn't a moral failing, it's just maybe not the healthiest thing.

So while I was on my walk today, I had some thoughts.

1. Food has this hold over me, that I wish it didn't.  I don't think about it all the time, but I do think about my next meal more often than I should.

2. Though I'm trying to be healthy, I don't want to reach a point where I'm constantly counting calories, carbs, and fat, and never allowing myself to eat that really delicious Zaxby's milkshake or pizza.  It's just learning that I can't do those things every day.

3. When did I get so old?  Walking shouldn't be this hard.

4. I'm still young, but let's face it.  I don't have the same body or metabolism I did when I was sixteen.  Thirty is only four years away away and I've spent most of my twenties in a sedentary coma watching TV and eating ice cream.  Ok, that's an extreme exaggeration.  But I want my thirties to be better than my twenties... and if I continue in the habits I'm in, that's not going to happen.

5. I am trying to make my focus healthy, but I do want to lose weight and get back to the size that makes me feel better about myself-- and also helps me to be able to do the things I want to do with more energy.

6. I love food, and that's ok.  I am trying to learn to love it differently.

It's been almost four years that I've been out of college.  Yet I still have this recurring dream.  In it I'm taking an online class, and I procrastinate on the work, thinking I still have plenty of time for the assignments to be finished.  Suddenly the class is almost over and I haven't completed any of the assignments, even though they were due each week.  And I know I'm going to fail.  These are awful and very vivid dreams that I wake up from feeling very stressed.  Why do I have these dreams?  I haven't taken an online class since my sophomore year of college.

Well, I am back from what was a wonderful 10+ days with family!  I say 10+ because my original trip was 10 days.  However, I got home 28 hours later than expected.  We went to the wedding of Allison's best friend in St. Louis, a childhood friend we have known for about 22 years.  That was initially what brought us up there, so we made a family trip out of it.

I really do love being with my extended family whenever I can.  We had a cook-out at my aunt and uncle's on my dad's side, and got to see just about everyone there.  Then we spent several days on the farm with my grandparents on my mom's side.  That was a very relaxing time.  We actually didn't get to see everyone on that side, but we still had a lot of fun.  Daily trips to the Dairy Barn made it fun.  The weather was remarkably cold for May (40s during the night, 60s during the day).  I had a very relaxed time.

We spent the last couple nights at my aunt and uncle's house.  My parents left to drive back home last Monday, and my aunt took me to the airport in the afternoon.  Thus began a looong, drawn-out day of delayed flights and bad weather.  You know how things have been in the Midwest.  Finally my flight in St. Louis was so delayed, I would miss my connecting flight in Chicago.  So my aunt and uncle picked me up and I spent another night with them, to fly out the next afternoon.  Things went smoothly and I made it to Chicago and onto my plane there, but then got delayed again.  Ended up spending almost five hours on the plane before it took off.  But I made it home (in the middle of the night, no less), and lucky I did because the weather up there has continued to be pretty bad from all the news coverage I've seen.

I'm glad to be home.  I've been pretty busy due to work and my sister being in town the past week... but that's a good busy.  I'm hoping to pick up some overtime over the next few weeks to make up for missed work.  I can't believe June is already here.

Merida: Brave

There has recently been a lot of controversy surrounding Disney's makeover of Merida for her coronation as the 11th Disney princess.  As you can see above, she has been re-designed to fit Disney's cookie-cutter princesses.  Now, as a lover of Disney I have never had problems with their promotion of princesses.  Despite many of my more progressive feminist ideals, this is one I've not let go of because of the nostalgia surrounding it and the love for Disney that I have.  However, Merida was the first kick-ass princess to be created by Disney.  One who could be a real role model for strong girls.  One who looked normal, who actually looked like... well, a girl.

And, my favorite thing about Merida, of course, is her curly hair.  It took several years for animators to be able to create her hair.  And they were spot on with their portrayal of curls- never perfect, always a little frizzy, hard to contain.  This new version has glossy, wavy curls as opposed to Merida's 3D wild mane from the movie.

It sounds like Disney has backed down from this new design of Merida, going back to the original.  And honestly, I would have no problem with them animating her in a cartoon form for the purpose of coronation, if they hadn't taken that and sexed her up so much, made her look so drastically different (and quite a bit older) than the Merida from Brave.  She was just fine the way she was!

So, I wrote the other day about one of my favorite TV shows, Survivor.  And that I really particularly liked the winner of this season.  Cochran, a 25 year old Harvard law school graduate, was on the show this time as a favorite.  This was his second time playing.  A self-proclaimed super Survivor fan who has loved the show and even written his thesis on the jury system of Survivor, his first time on Survivor he was the biggest underdog there.  A fish out of water among the super-toned, six-pack abs, tanned and good-looking people that usually star on the show--he was bullied constantly, made fun of, and made to feel like the weak link the entire time.  I even remember thinking that CBS owed the world a PSA regarding bullying every week during that season of Survivor, because it was so painful to watch.  Ultimately he betrayed his tribe by flipping to another alliance, though one couldn't blame him after how awfully he was treated.

Of course, the first time around Cochran was insecure, afraid to take off his shirt, afraid of what people thought about him.  This time around, he just didn't care.  He played a confident game, and what I think was one of the most strategic games I've seen-- and with a lot more class than many of the other notorious strategists of past seasons.

So, why am I even going on about this at all?  I don't know anyone who watches Survivor or even cares about it.  Well, something that Cochran said in the reunion show really stuck with me.  He was comparing his second time around with the first, explaining what he felt was different.  How the first time, he was afraid that people would peg him as the socially awkward geek that he was, and how that had changed the second time around.

"Instead of those eccentricities and quirks being a source of embarrassment and anxiety for me, I accepted it as a reality of my existence and that's immensely liberating because I got to focus on the game this time instead of worrying about how I am perceived which really ruined my game the first time-- being able to focus on the game I've loved for half my life."

The reason this really stuck with me, is that this is something I think a lot of us must come to terms with in ourselves.  Owning who we are and not apologizing for it.  All of us must wake up each day and face the world.  Face people who think we are strange, or even stupid.  We must go to work, deal with difficult co-workers,  handle reality, and pay our bills.  But going through this while trying to be someone we aren't?  Or feeling incredibly insecure and caring about what others think about you every single day?  No thanks.  Liberating is the perfect word to describe owning your quirks, your social awkwardness, your "un-coolness" (all of which describe me).