This has been a really rough week.

Reality is definitely setting in.  We got our furniture delivered to our apartment this week.  Now it feels like home.  But things are settling, and we are definitely feeling the reality of our situation.  We have finished our two whopping days of orientation on the floors we will be working on, and both feel so inadequately prepared for what is to come.  Especially Bela, as she has to work day shift and it is SO much crazier than nights.

Travel nurses are just not treated very nicely.  I knew that before going in, but I just didn't think it would be this hard.  The expectations are incredibly high (this is why you should ALWAYS make sure you have plenty of experience before starting) and the training incredibly insufficient.  The charting is different than anything I've ever used, and I have to learn that on top of learning two whole new units, dealing with new co-workers, and charge nurses in general who just don't give a crap about how you're doing.  Because although we are here to help the hospital out, we are essentially on our own.

Anyway, outside of work I really love it here.  We have met some really wonderful people, who I think will be so helpful in helping us to not feel so sad about our circumstances.  I think we are also just going to have it rough for a couple of weeks until we get a little more acclimated to things.

Right now we are just sitting in Starbucks drinking our peppermint mochas, listening to the cheery Bing Crosby music in the background, and trying our best to be positive about things.  I do think that things will get better... it's just gonna be a rough road to get there.

I'm in California!

Hello from California!

It has been a SUPER DUPER BUSY week and a half.

For a better update than I can provide here (and mainly for lack of time, as I'm currently sitting at a cute diner called Shari's Pies since I have no wifi), I will send you over to mine and Bela's blog about our travels.  Right HERE! (The link is also on the right side of the blog under blogs I follow, in case you want to just follow that blog.... between Bela and I, there will probably be a lot more detailed updates there!)

I will say that California has been so different than anything I ever expected.

We have run into the kindest, friendliest people ever.  And we are from the south!  I feel so lucky to be where I am right now.  It is definitely really scary, but it's where I'm supposed to be.  And it's not been a walk in the park, either.

We finally got settled into our apartment today.  It really hit me then.  This whole last week and a half have seemed like whirlwind of excitement, travels, new job, meeting people, etc.  Then we got to the apartment, things were quiet-- and I looked around and realized this is it.  I'm 3000+ miles away from home.  And I felt homesick, I really did.  It passed after a few minutes, but I know it will come and go in waves over the next few weeks.  Especially as the Holidays are approaching.  Thankfully I have my best friend Bela here, and we can both be homesick together and hopefully cheer each other up.

With all of that, I still know that I am in the right place.  That I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  And I'm scared.  This new job scares me.  It will be very similar as far as the nursing bit goes, but their computer charting system is incredibly daunting and something I will have to learn very quickly.  Any prayers and good thoughts are appreciated.

I will try to be back here more often for updates.  Here's hoping for a great first full week of work, and meeting more great people!

Soon to be a California Girl...

Well, the day has almost arrived.  After a super stressful two days of paperwork-gathering, immunization-getting, shopping, and packing, the day has finally almost made it here.  Honestly I thought we weren't going to get everything done in time and we wouldn't be able to go.  We had that much paperwork to do in such a short amount of time.  But it got done, thank goodness!

In the morning, Bela and I are packing our things in my car and starting our drive to California.

I am so excited for this opportunity.  Honestly, I don't think that the reality has set in.  At all.

It's like I'm just going on a really cool road trip.  Not traveling to a place where I'll be staying for the next three months, and then after that on to another place.... it just hasn't registered yet.

Would be thankful for any prayers, good thoughts, etc, as we make our drive this week!  It'll be a whirlwind!

Exciting Changes

It has been an eventful past ten days.

First of all, I got back on Thursday from a 4-night Bahamian cruise on the Disney Dream!  What a blast!  I will eventually post pictures, but that isn't even the half of what has been so eventful.

I have kept it pretty quiet, but since July I have been pursuing travel nursing with my friend, Bela.  I got my California license in September and began the process of getting my ACLS certification.  We got in touch with a travel nurse agency and began the process of sending our information, speaking with our recruiter, and submitting ourselves for assignments.  That was a process, let me tell you.

We got offered a job about ten days ago in San Leandro, California.  We were SO excited.  We would both be working evenings, 3-11:30.  We both put in our two weeks notice, told them our date we were available, and waited to sign our contracts.  This time period was when I left for my Disney cruise.  I had planned to check my e-mail Monday night to see if there was anything else I needed to do.  We found out that day that San Leandro was out of the question because they would not negotiate the start date and needed us out there a week earlier than we could get there.

We were upset, but we both contacted our bosses (I had to e-mail mine) and worked out getting off a week earlier.  All this time in the back of my mind, I was thinking we were screwed if things fell through.  But all they needed was for us to be there earlier, so we thought we were in the clear.  Only to find out the next day that they had pursued other candidates and we had missed the boat.

Needless to say, I was really upset.  I felt like here I had not only quit my job, but I had quit a whole week earlier for something that completely fell through!  We spoke with our recruiter and she very diligently kept looking for jobs, but nothing seemed hopeful.

One popped up in Castro Valley, California, however.  It wasn't really the ideal situation compared to the other one, but we asked her to go ahead and submit us.  We found out that I had the wrong computer charting experience and they required me to have one I had never used before.  However, thanks to my recruiter, by the end of the day we were both given offers and now we are set to leave this Wednesday for our first travel assignment!

Let me tell you, it has been a major emotional roller coaster.  From excitement for a new job, to the low of the prospect of unemployment (which, let me tell you, were a really rough couple of days), and then back to more excitement-- it's about been more stress than I can handle.

Because it was all so last minute, I didn't get much of a chance to say good-bye to my co-workers.  Or really even much closure as far as work is concerned.  It's like I was employed by them like always, then went on vacation, and came home and worked a few more days.  And now I'm done.  It's hard to believe that after four years of working there, that's it.  I will definitely miss my co-workers.

I have so much packing, paperwork, and last-minute shopping to do.  It's definitely more than a little overwhelming.  Hopefully by Wednesday, we will be all set to start off on our first travel assignment!  Can't wait to tell you all about it here!

Gosh, life is such a roller coaster sometimes.  I've got quite a story to tell, but for now will leave it at this:  I'm so grateful to God for what He has done for me, and for the people in my life who have worked to help me get to where I am.  Can't wait to see what the future holds!

On Feeling Low

Tonight I've been feeling really low.

I couldn't put my finger on why.  It's like a thousand different things that are bothering me and stressing me out.  I'm stressed about changes coming.  I'm worried about finances.  I'm afraid everything won't come together.  I'm nervous about an event coming up tomorrow.  I'm fat and disgusting.

Wait.... what?!

How did that creep in?  I'm sitting here worrying about all these legitimately stressful things, and suddenly I find myself running my hands over my stomach, wishing it were thinner. I suddenly felt angry that I ate frozen yogurt after supper, and two small pieces of banana bread just now for a late night snack.

It took me awhile to even figure out that I was taking the stress in my life and turning it into body hatred.  Using it to cut myself down for no good reason at all.  And doing it completely subconsciously without even realizing it.  How many times have I done this before and never figured it out?

I have yet to figure out if it's really my self-esteem that's at fault here tonight, or the stress of life.  But they seem to be working together really well to keep me feeling pretty lousy for now.  Thanks to a good talk with my friend, Lindsey, I do feel better.  But I would still love to take this negative self-talk and give it a roundhouse kick to the face.

On a better note, I kicked ass on the elliptical for an hour today!  (Bet you never thought you'd hear about an ass-kicking and elliptical machine in the same sentence... but that thing can actually give you a pretty hard workout if you use it the right way!)  Even though I don't feel awesome about myself today, I am in good shape and still working hard at it.  To me, that is a victory.

Not Much to Say

I've gotten really bad about keeping up with this blog regularly.  I've actually been on here several times the past few weeks, but every time I start to write something I can't.  I have things to say, but most of the time these thoughts swirl around in my head, unable to be put into words.  I don't know why.

I've had a busy couple of weeks, that's for sure.  Work held me captive for 10 out of 13 nights until Wednesday of this past week.  I was pretty miserable for a lot of that time, just wishing for more of a break so I could get some rest.  But I got through it, and thank goodness!

And afterward, my sister Allison and I went to Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween at the Magic Kingdom!  It was so much fun!  (so much so, that I didn't take any pictures)  I have wanted to go to this for years, and it finally worked out this year!  We didn't dress up, but we did go trick or treating all through the park and got a ton of candy.  That's what I love so much about Disney.  You get to be a kid again.  I think that the Halloween Boo to You parade was my favorite Disney parade yet.  Maybe even more than the Main Street Electrical Parade.

I hung out a bit in Orlando before and after our time in Disney, which was fun.  It's been awhile since I got to hang out down there.  We had fun eating, talking, and watching some of our favorite TV shows. Just fun to enjoy the time that we have.  I wish there was more time for that kind of thing.

I've got some fun plans coming up, which I'll be blogging about another time.  In the meantime, I hope you have a great Monday and rest of the week!

Color Me Rad 5K

I had a lot of fun today running the Color Me Rad 5K!  It's a great way to take what might otherwise be stressful and competitive and make it loads of fun.  How often do you get to throw colored starch in the air and not care how messy you get?  My sister Hannah did it with me, and though we didn't run the whole thing, we still had a ton of fun.  I know I'll do it again the next time it comes to town.

Before, in our sparkly white t-shirts 

During the race.  We got to run through Everbank Field!

The aftermath 

We had so much fun throwing color bombs at each other.  I think I got the most color after the race. 

 Triumphant!

Food

I love food.

If you know me, you know this about me.  I especially love sweet foods, and at times feel like a bottomless pit that could never get tired of candy and baked goods, if I let myself eat them all day every day.

And the fact that I love food--I have decided--is not a flaw about me.  I have long thought it was.  I tend to eat more than the average woman, and though I am also much taller than the average woman, I have always felt shame about this.  I should be more dainty in my eating habits, I should leave more food on my plate, etc.  That although I'm six feet tall, I should be eating for a 5'4'' frame.

I have discovered that I am recovering from disordered eating.  Not from an eating disorder, no.  But from a few good years of using food as a source of comfort, almost treating it like a friend.  Until this past May, it wasn't unusual for me to go out of my way for a Zaxby's milkshake, Chick Fil A breakfast, or order pizza in by myself (among other things-- these are just a few).  Every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  Breaking those habits was one of the hardest things I've done, and though I see nothing wrong with the occasional fast food, I was doing it too often.

When people talk about the term "comfort food," they usually mean something such as ice cream, or warm baked chocolate chip cookies with milk, or cornbread and bean stew.  Something to remind them of a simpler, happier time.  Something that brings them comfort.  For me, all food is comfort food.  Had a bad day?  Let's eat.  Had a good day?  Let's eat.  Had an ok day?  Let's eat again.  It doesn't matter the occasion, the emotion, or the people I'm with.  Food brings me comfort.  Of course, certain foods do this more than others, but I simply love eating.

So.  For the past four months, I have been re-wiring the way I think about food.  I still LOVE food.  That will never change.  But even just the little things.  Going to coffee with friends does not mean I need a scone with that coffee.  Going to the movies doesn't mean I should get popcorn and nachos with my diet coke.  Slowly it is becoming less of a conscious decision for me to not do these things.  And sometimes I still do them, and it's ok.  But I'm learning to enjoy things I love without always involving food with them.  That is a process.  One I'm still learning and may always be learning.

It is difficult at times, but also incredibly freeing.

Sorry for the scattered thoughts on the subject.  And thanks to my friend, Lindsey, for listening when I was sorting through some of these thoughts.

No More Negative Thinking

I once read an article that talked about how the majority of women think abusive thoughts about themselves daily.  Things such as, "I'm too fat," or "I'm so ugly," or even "I'm so stupid."  Few of us would allow another person to speak to us this way, yet we are so quick to allow our inner dialogue be incredibly hateful and toxic.  Some people allow this to pervade their thoughts so much, that they start saying it out loud in everyday conversation.  Forgetting that nobody really wants to hear another person's negativity toward themselves.

I think we are all a little guilty of this at times.  I know I am.  My daily inner dialogue toward myself isn't always very nice-- sometimes it's downright hateful.  There are days I'm way too hard on myself, and instead of being proud of how far I've come, I think of how far I haven't gone... how I've failed in this or that area.  I criticize my appearance, how I should be thinner, or wish I had a longer waist, how I wish I were funnier or more outgoing, or any other number of "flaws" I see about myself.

And how petty.  I hung out with a few friends last night, and we discussed how our lives are so easy compared to so many other people in the world.  And because of that, I think we look for so many other things to be unhappy about that really aren't that important.  I think it's what we jokingly refer to as "first world problems."  Not to diminish how difficult it is to be a woman dealing with body image in our society (I know as well as any of you, that is NOT easy).  But aren't there more important things to worry about?

Of course, I would love it if I had lost an additional 10 pounds by now.  But that doesn't mean I have to be unhappy and feel sorry for myself, paralyzed by my own self-loathing.  It doesn't mean I can't do something today to make someone else happy.  It doesn't mean my family and friends love me any less.  It doesn't make my life less happy, less fulfilled.  It doesn't diminish any of the blessings that I have, yet I allow it to.  I allow my own selfish, hateful thoughts toward myself to crowd out so many other wonderful things in life!  I'm determined to stop that today.  I'm going to work on that, and I hope you will too.

Because really, though life is hard and we do deal with a lot of difficulties along the way, I also believe that there is so much good out there that we don't tap into or we allow it to be tainted because we're so self-focused. (how many of you, upon remembering a wonderful vacation with family or friends, also remember how fat you felt during that time?)  I don't want to down-play what so many women, myself included, go through on a daily basis with photo-shopped images telling us what we should look like.  But I do want to stop allowing any of that negative thinking to play such a huge role in my life.  That's got to stop.

A Great Week Indeed!

I am coming off of a great week!

First of all, I finally, after four years of being a nurse, got my ACLS certification!  That stands for Advanced Cardiovascular Life Support.  I feel all nursey and ready to save a life now!  Just have to keep myself refreshed on the material so I'll remember it.

Second, I spent a few days in Orlando at Universal Studios with my wonderful friends Bela, Priti (and her husband Brad), and their mom Miss Gita.  Bela is my best friend from nursing school, one of the few I've kept in touch with.  She has become one of my very best friends for life, and we had such a great time hanging out in Orlando!  I was sad to come home, but there are always lots more good times to come!

We picked a great time of the year to go.  The crowds were minimal (for a theme park) and the weather was hot but not too hot with very little rain.  You can't win with Florida weather even in September, so you take what you can get.  I have to say, after this week I can finally say I love Universal Orlando.  I am a Disney girl through and through, so it was difficult for me to love Universal even though I've been three times before this.  I was always comparing it to Disney in the past, but I think it takes being with the right people to learn to love something like this.  I had a blast!

Here are some pictures from our time there.

 The first night, at the hotel getting ready to go to dinner.

 Me and Miss Gita, Bela and Priti's mom.  One of the most genuine, sweet ladies I have ever known!

 A pretty typical moment for us.

 Enjoying yummy nachos and queso.

 Miss Gita, Bela, and me.

 All aboard the Hogwarts Express!  The conductor declared us to be his wives, upon which Bela and I were excited to discover we are now sister wives!

 Flying brooms.  Or trying to.

 In front of Hagrid's Hut

 On a ride (similar to Teacups at Disney) with Miss Gita.  I got called out over the loudspeaker on this ride to put away my cell phone.  It was worth getting this picture!

 Hogsmeade.  Wish this was a real-life place!

 I feel like I could join the Ministry of Magic with this hat.

 Just goofing off

 I've always wanted to take a picture with these since the first time I went to Universal.  So we took one.

 Getting photo-bombed by a t-rex

 We went to the Animal Actors show.  It was pretty cute!

 Just before the Despicable Me ride.  It was one of my favorites!

 We got to meet Lucy Ricardo!  She was slightly drunk.

 We had tons o'fun at Universal Orlando!

Our last meal out before leaving at Pastamore at City Walk.

A Haircut

Two nights ago on an impulse, I did something crazy.

Well, crazy for me.  I went to Target and bought hair shears.  I had made the decision to cut my hair.  At this point, I figured I was probably going to screw the whole thing up and have to go in and get it fixed, but I didn't care.  I was sick and tired of split ends.

Turns out when you have curly hair, giving yourself a hair cut is actually pretty easy.  If I were going for a specific style that might not be the case, but getting rid of some split ends plus another inch or two isn't really too much to manage (I cut off a total of 3 inches of length).  I had watched a tutorial on YouTube for how to cut curly hair, and so I did it.  The whole time thinking to myself, "this is probably going to turn out to be the dumbest decision I've ever made."

The hair cut turned out pretty nicely, if I do say so myself.  Not saying it's perfect, but honestly it doesn't look much different from any other hair cut I've gotten at a salon.  The nice thing with curly hair is, you don't have to worry about every single curl being the exact same length.  From one wash to the next, curls bounce and curl pattern can change, so it never looks the same anyway.  The trick to cutting it well, however, is to cut it dry and cut one curl at a time.  You can imagine this took a long time.

Ok, shameless selfie time.  Hair from the back. 

This is from tonight, after a wash.  Still pretty good length, but the ends just look so much nicer!  I will trim my own hair from now on.  No more wasting money at salons for an inch or two cut off (how annoying is that?), and no more split ends from waiting way too long to get said hair cut.  Feeling pretty proud of myself right now.