Quick Update

I'm officially the worst blogger in the world.  Oh well.  I will (once again) try and be better at it.

I'm definitely too tired tonight to give too much of an update or upload pictures.  The past month has involved a 2-week trip to Florida, a trip over the border to Ainsworth, BC, Canada, and a trip to Portland and Vancouver.  Whew!!!  I'm definitely exhausted and need a major break from touring around, but it's been a BLAST!!  Traveling is simply one of my favorite things, that's for sure.  Eventually I will try to post about those trips, but no promises at this point.

Life is still pretty awesome... I'm still loving travel nursing!!  We have actually renewed for another four weeks in Spokane, which I am STOKED about!  We love this assignment and we love our co-workers!  It's just too good of an assignment to give up at this point.  I'm excited to start hiking some of the trails more... we've been getting to know some of our co-workers and had a few kind invitations for dinner from some awesome people.  It's so nice to be making friends.  Castro Valley was tough because that just didn't happen as easily.

It has been good to be back in Spokane, back into the swing of things.  Will try to be better about updating!

some days aren't as good as others.

Body positivity is something I work very hard to keep my focus on, especially when it comes to my blog.  I don't like to project negative thinking here.

But I also don't like to suppress feelings that are very real, even if only in that moment.

I have bad days too.  Still.  Like I've said before, this is a journey with ups and downs.  Today has felt like climbing uphill for some reason when it comes to accepting myself.  Not just in my body image, but in my abilities, my personality, among other things.  The negative voice in my head has been the loudest today--and I've allowed it to be, I'll admit.

What are some things I do on these days to take care of myself?

I took a nice walk this morning.  (Shin splints acting up, so running is on hold for a few days)

I read a good book.  Thanks to the recommendation of my friend, Jacob, I bought Tina Fey's Bossypants and haven't been able to put it down!  I may have almost finished the entire thing today.

I take a nice long, hot bath.

I listen to my favorite music.  Right now, it is Josh Groban.  Who am I kidding, Josh Groban is always a favorite!

And I allow myself to have my moments of negativity and insecurity... but I dig deep and figure out where these feelings are really emerging from.  It is usually a very real problem that I take and project onto my body image in order to ignore the real issue. (WHY do we do this?!)  Then I must deal with the real issue.  Suddenly, I find that I don't think myself so very disgusting after all!

And sometimes, you just have to chalk it up to a bad day and call it quits for the night.

A spontaneous picture taken by my brother.

I had just had a super fun day with friends.

I look happy, and I like it.

reasons to love my body

I am always looking for reasons and reminders about why I love my body.

As a woman, it's a constant and perpetual struggle to always think something about my body could be better.  "I'll be happy when I lose just 10 more pounds." "Once my thighs are thinner, I'll finally love myself."  "If only I looked like so-and-so, I'd be happy."  As if the biggest problems we face in life are flattening our stomachs, toning our legs, shrinking one pound at a time.  I spent a large part of my teens and all of college with that mindset.  Feeling big in a world of skinny, attractive people and once I was one of them, I would finally be happy (oddly enough these thoughts began when I was very skinny at 15, 5'11, and 140 pounds).  And sometimes, I still spend a little too much time in that mindset.

A quick walk through Wal Mart or Target or any other store is all you need to take a real blow to your self esteem.  Air brushed images of models on the covers of magazines.  These same magazines telling you how to exercise to get a butt like J Lo (and then use photoshopped models to demonstrate said exercises), how to obtain the perfect "beach waves" in your hair, how to eat better so you can be thinner. And three aisles of make-up, need I say more?  Your cheekbones aren't high enough, learn to contour them!  Your eye lashes are too short, so wear falsies!  You're too white, wear bronzer!  I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Exercise used to be a chore.  A punishment for the ice cream I had eaten, or for the fat girl I thought I was.  Boys are generally encouraged from a young age for how strong and fast they are.  Girls are encouraged from a young age for how pretty and small they are... meaning that when you grow up and you just don't quite fit into that small, pretty mold you feel like a failure.  (As a disclaimer, I realize that men do have their own set of issues in body image)

There were a few years where I didn't take good care of myself.  Oddly enough, it was during those years that I began learning to love myself and not let body hatred take over my life.  I can remember realizing that although I wasn't as thin as I used to be, somehow I still didn't feel as fat as I once did.    Now I don't advocate for the lifestyle I was living in those days, but being a little on the chubby side and being ok with it was awesome.  Of course I finally had to take control of my health which I've written about many times on here... but it became about my health more than anything else.

I have been learning more and more how to love my body in the past year.  And why I should love my body.  Because it has strength and endurance to run several miles at a time.  It is healthy and rarely gets sick... I am rarely one to even get a headache.  And yes, there are also physical characteristics that I love about myself, but I try to make health and wellness my focus now.  Fitness is a way to challenge myself, to better myself.  A couple weeks ago my elderly patient (who sadly passed away very suddenly a few days later) told me to never take being physically active for granted, but to enjoy it because someday that privilege will be taken away.

I wish there was a nice way to just tie all this up in a pretty bow and say I've fixed all my body image issues, and all the body image issues for all women in the world.  I think these are issues that sadly, all of us will deal with.  But I have made strides, and for that I am glad.

...and we're staying!!

Well, in this week's news, turns out we do get to renew here in Spokane!  A trip to FL is still in the works for this Friday since we bought our tickets home well before knowing we'd renew, but once we get back we will renew for another four weeks.  I had been so disappointed to have to move on, especially only getting to experience Spokane in the snow and ice.  Though I have enjoyed that aspect of it (seeing if I can really survive a deep north winter-- turns out I can!), I am definitely ready for spring and have heard so much about how beautiful Washington is this time of year.

I'm feeling in pretty good spirits right now after this news, plus having a really great and relaxing few days off work this week.  I feel like it is just a taste of what the last four weeks here will be like.  The weather today was beautiful.  We decided to do a little exploring and thanks to the awesome suggestion of our landlord, found ourselves at Lake Coeur d'Alene.  We ended up hiking one of the trails, then driving around for a good hour just enjoying the scenery.

Life...well it's pretty good right now.  There's something about being out here--exploring, experiencing new things... it just makes me feel so alive!  I'm still loving the running, and am now looking to train for a half marathon in the next few months.  See, now that I've written that down, I actually have to do it!  :)  However there is a part of me that is ready to visit home again, so this FL trip definitely is coming at a good time.  It will be good to re-connect with people, visit some of my old haunts, and just relax in the sun (haven't gotten a lot of that out here).  A beach trip has already been planned, and I'm sure a few more will be in the works before long.  Can't wait!

Tomorrow starts a busy week of working (with a farewell-turned-celebration potluck), packing, and traveling.  Looking forward to it!

thoughts

I've just finished working the last six out of seven nights.  I am so beyond tired, I feel sick!  Honestly don't think I've been this tired in a long, long time.

Not only was this week one of the roughest schedules I've worked in along time, it also was among the roughest several nights I've worked in a long time.  It's very rare that work brings me to the point of tears, but this week I found myself at that point several times.  I can think of some of my most overwhelming nights, and these went beyond that.  Finally at the end of the week I had to ask the charge nurse to please change up my assignment for the last night.  Thank God last night was actually decent!

We got home from work this morning and the sun was shining and the sky was so blue.  I was tired but wanted to be out in the sun so badly so I decided to go for a run anyway.  Turned out to be a bit of a mistake as my body completely rebelled the last two miles out of exhaustion.  But at the end I still decided to walk another mile, because the weather was just too beautiful!

As I took in the scenery around me (for the first time WITHOUT snow) I became really overwhelmed by this whole experience.  All the places I've gotten to see, the new experiences.  And just how wonderful this particular assignment has been.  I know that I might not ever get to experience one quite this awesome again.  The location, our housing, co-workers... everything has just been amazing!  I feel really attached here, and it's going to be really hard to leave.  I'm actually really sad to be leaving Spokane behind.  I'm trying to remember that there is a reason for it.

I'm off for the next four nights... SO ready for a break!

some introspection on this tuesday night

I have had horrible writer's block lately.  Keep getting on here to write and while I feel like I have so much to say, I just can't get it out into words on the screen.  So here's trying again, hoping that something of substance materializes here tonight.

Spokane has been an awesome assignment.  AWESOME.  I am praying that we get asked to renew this contract, as I have just loved every aspect of it.  The actual assignment itself is a challenge, don't get me wrong.  The floor we work on is definitely a PCU and can be a huge challenge, though I still feel I've dealt with worse at my old job so I can't complain.

I can't believe we are half-way through this assignment.  Time has flown so fast, but it's like that when you're having fun I'm told.  We are living a ways outside of civilization (for me, anyway) so days off honestly aren't spent in an extremely exciting manner unless we take a trip into Spokane.  My focus has been hugely on my health and fitness, and I can honestly say I'm enjoying it (in the snow, rain, and ice, too)!  I've challenged myself in ways I haven't in years... and for once the focus is on rising to the challenge and pushing myself rather than just what size I am and whether I've gained weight or not. We love trips to Target and Trader Joe's.  We've decided Trader Joe's is a discovery of finding a new snack to enjoy each time we go.  So far, we've found a lot!  I love Trader Joe's!

We took a trip to Seattle last week, which was pretty awesome.  Honestly, Seattle just wasn't quite what I thought it would be.  I think the cold rain had a lot to do with my disappointment, so I'm hoping one day to give it another chance.  I think I could love Seattle (I mean, there are like 75 Starbucks in the downtown area alone... hello!) but that one weekend just wasn't quite enough.  I will say, however, that Cafe Nouveau had the absolute BEST croissant I've ever tasted... twice-baked almond!  We even went back on our way out of Seattle just for that.  I am still dreaming of that, still dreaming of it.

As for just this whole adventure of travel nursing... I'm SO glad that I decided to do this.  There has been something so incredibly liberating about just picking up and going across the country.  To the complete unknown, with nothing but a sense of adventure and a friend at my side.  Which is what makes it as awesome as it's been.

It isn't that I didn't know who I was before embarking on this... but I've learned SO much about myself and the world in the past four months.  Branching out and seeing that there are different cultures, different ways of life, different viewpoints, all of that... honestly nothing I believe or think has changed since leaving Florida.  But it has been re-affirmed again and again.  Let's be honest, I'm not quite the diligent, conservative girl who never questioned anything that I was just a few short years ago.  There's a lot about the south that I miss, don't get me wrong. (my family and friends, Chick Fil A, Publix, just to name a few...)

There's something about the Northwest.  I don't know what it is... I just feel that I've grown into myself out here.  I can't even express what I'm trying to say.  Just that this experience has been so amazing, and I am so incredibly grateful to God for giving it to me.  I think I might be able to better express these thoughts another time... I'll leave it at that for now.

it's a journey

Since starting travel nursing, running has become a new hobby of mine.  That's definitely not a something I ever thought I would say, but here I am saying it.  I feel as though I've had a breakthrough with fitness.  Seeing it as a way to challenge and push myself, achieve goals, break my own personal records.  And learning that it isn't about pushing my body to achieve a specific size and shape.

Yesterday I went running-- five miles (more than I've run in years)-- in the snow, ice, and rain.  Call me crazy, but I actually do enjoy running in conditions other than hot and humid (take that, Florida!).  I indulged in a little self-promotion that I rarely allow myself to do on facebook, and bragged on myself just a bit.  I then included the statement that I felt badass because less than a year ago I was overweight and sedentary.  And while I got plenty of likes for that status (because well, duh, that's why we post!) one comment stood out to me more than all of those likes.  Essentially the gyst of this comment was that I was never overweight to begin with.

Of course, then I felt a bit silly.  

I know I was never obese.  I realize I don't know what it's like to be 30, 50, or 100+ pounds overweight.  I've never claimed to.  But I was a sedentary, over-eating and yes, overweight girl.  I was unhealthy, even though I might not have admitted it at the time.  I could barely walk a mile without being short of breath.  I would bend over to tie my shoes and breathing became difficult.  I felt stuck, I felt trapped.  I felt like I would try to make extreme changes only to make even bigger failures and then feel even worse about myself.  When I reached my breaking point last May when even my biggest clothes were way too small and I barely recognized who I saw in pictures, I knew something had to change.  So I began a journey, one that I'm still on, and one that I'm still learning to navigate and probably always will.

I remember thinking to myself, "I'm 25 years old.  Is this the prime of my life?  Is this as good as it will get for me?"  And I resolved that the latter part of my twenties would be better.  That I would take care of myself.  Every day is different.  There are days I don't have a hard time with it at all.  And days where I still wish I could just eat a whole pizza, ice cream and cake, and just not care.  And sometimes I allow myself those (smaller) indulgences, and it's ok.  But every day is part of my journey toward being a better, healthier person.

Spokane, WA

Hello from Washington!  Actually, I'm living in Idaho but wanted to say that since Washington is where my assignment is.  I've been here a week now, and I have to say that I have loved every minute of it so far.  Yes, even my nights on the floor.  This assignment has already gone so much better than the first one.  I don't think we could have asked for any better, honestly.

We arrived Saturday night to snow and ice EVERYWHERE.  At first I was thinking, "What have I gotten myself into!?"  I honestly didn't realize that Spokane has quite this extreme of winters.  But once I got through that first night and invested in a good pair of boots, things have been great.  We have had snow a few times and gotten the experience of driving through it.  It's been interesting but I'm learning. I'm hoping to get to make a snow man tomorrow!

So things are going very well, and I'm very optimistic right now!  Here are some pictures from our first week here.

Our sadness of leaving Philz behind in San Francisco was quickly alleviated when we discovered we live close to THREE Dutch Bros! 

I am so excited to be living somewhere with snow!  Definitely a dream come true for me.  We'll see how I feel after a little while. 

Just playing in the snow. 

Snowy trips to Target 

In my neighborhood.  Right on the edge of the mountains! 

Getting to work with Bela has been a blast!  We have been given the exact same schedule for this assignment, which I still can't believe.  It's nice to have someone there with you to keep you laughing.  Working night shift can actually be quite isolating so it helps to have a friend by your side.  Castro Valley was difficult at times because I didn't have that.

And today, I took my first run in the snow!  I feel pretty proud of myself.  I bought Yaktrax, which make all the difference.  You can run on packed snow and ice (carefully, of course).  This weather will not defeat me!

Castro Valley

We're now down to less than two days left here in Castro Valley.  I can hardly believe it!

I started out on this journey with a lot of excitement.  Trekking across the country, stopping at awesome landmarks throughout the West, and coming to a whole new place I'd never been to be a travel nurse.  It all seemed so exciting, and it was!  But once we got started into the reality of it, it was really hard.  Throw the Holidays into the mix, and it made for a pretty difficult first month and a half.  I'm not complaining or looking for sympathy-- it's just the way it was.  I never really questioned why I did this, but I did find myself wondering just how long I would last in this business.

Of course, I'm still asking that same question.  I am finding myself wishing I had a place to just settle and live.  But I still have that urge to move on, so on I go.  I'm so excited about Spokane.  This next assignment definitely looks to be a bit more of a challenge.  It actually sounds quite similar to my job back home.  I'm kind of ready for a new challenge (though I may be eating those words in a few weeks) because this assignment has kind of dumbed me down a bit.

I will miss little Castro Valley and the rest of the Bay Area (I heart SF).  Highlights include visiting Muir Woods, Golden Gate Bridge (duh), walking the hills of SF, getting lost in the city, and eating at lots of new and different restaurants (Source--vegetarian--was my fav!).  Perhaps more than anything, I will miss Philz Coffee.  Oh, Philz, why can't I take you with me?  As for Castro Valley, I'll miss our little apartment we called home for three months.  I'll miss late night dinners at Shari's Pies.  I'll most especially miss my walks and runs around Lake Chabot.  I blew off a lot of steam on those trails, and got into the best shape I've been in for a long time thanks to those ridiculous hills!  Spokane, I'm ready for you!

Quite possibly the biggest highlight of them all would be Allison visiting for week a couple weeks ago!    We had so much fun.  I even got to do a few of the touristy things a second time, plus some new fun experiences as well.  It all just worked out perfectly with my schedule and hers.  Now she has to come to Spokane!

It's already been such a great growing experience.  I can't wait to start the next one!

I just don't seem to have much to say on my blog anymore!  It seems the busier I've become, the less important writing has become to me.  Which I don't like at all.  I will work on being better about it.

2014 has started off pretty well.  We are just about to finish up our assignment here in Castro Valley-- only two more nights of work left!  This has been such a great experience!  I mean, it's definitely been hard at times.  The holidays were probably the hardest part of it all.  It seems that once they ended, this assignment suddenly became a piece of cake!

And so our next assignment will be in Spokane, WA!  I'm so unbelievably excited about this!  You have no idea.  It will only be an 8 week assignment but we are hoping that perhaps if we like it enough, there could be a contract renewal.  We shall see about all that when the time comes though.

I'm feeling very optimistic about things right now, and I hope it stays that way for awhile!  Washington here I come!

2013

I can hardly believe that 2013 has come to an end.  What a year!  I've got NYE off for the first time EVER since becoming a nurse, but conveniently I'm stuck all the way out in California where I don't know many people outside of my roommate who is at work.  But it's kind of nice to just spend the evening thinking about the past year---how I've grown---and my aspirations for 2014.

So here's a recap of all the big things that happened to me this year.

In January, I got my little kitty Aberforth!  I was so excited to bring him home and introduce him to Albus.  The two didn't get along very well at first, but eventually became like brothers.  January tends to be a very boring month in which very little happens.

Skipping to March, I went on my very first cruise--- with the Disney Cruise Line!  I would definitely say that this was the BEST vacation I've ever been on.  I'd never really had that "resort" experience before, and from what I've heard since then, DCL is the top of the line cruise line.  Don't think I'll ever cruise with anyone else!  After the cruise, sadly I lost my kitty Albus after he swallowed over 20 hair ties.  It was a very sad experience, especially because I felt so responsible.

In April I suffered a back injury which put me in the ER.  I had a lot of realizations about my health during the time after, but didn't really know what to do or how to deal with them at the time.  The following month while visiting family in Illinois, I saw a picture of myself that somebody had taken, and hardly recognized it.  It was then that I knew I had to take my health seriously, realizing that I was now closer to 30 than I was to 20... and I knew that I didn't want the way I was to be as good as it was gonna get.  (That's a really tough realization, by the way)  Anyway, it was the best thing I could ever have done for myself.  My summer was very much devoted to taking care of myself and learning how to be healthy.

Of course, another week in July was spent at Camp Kulaqua as camp nurse with Allison!  This year was unique as a church had a big outbreak of lice.  But it helped that Holly T was a part of that church, meaning we got to hang out with her a lot!

My sister Hannah and I took a fun trip to Charleston, SC in August with one of her friends.  I came away, wondering how we could have lived so close to such a cool city and I'd never been there before. I still think it's a place I would love to live.

In September I went to Universal Studios for a fun weekend with Bela and her family.  We had just gotten our California licenses at that time, and were working on finding assignments out here.

And in October, I went on another Disney Cruise with Allison!  This was a very last minute plan, and we decided to do it because I was about to be doing travel nursing, and she was about to move to St. Louis.  One last hurrah, if you will.  It was a BLAST!  Less than a week after getting home, I left for the great state of California!  It was a road trip that took all of six days from October 30, ending November 4.  Four days total of driving.  If you've read my blog at all recently, there's not a whole lot else to tell about what's happened since.

Travel nursing has been the right decision, for sure.  I try to see it as an adventure, even if it isn't always the way that I expected it to be.  It's hard to believe we've been out here for two months already... soon it will be time to find another assignment!

2013 was a great one!  Here's to 2014--- hopefully another GREAT year!

life of excitement... or, not

I keep getting on here to give some sort of an update, but every time I just feel like I have nothing to say!  Life has settled into a (very) normal routine here.  And so unless we are on a rare day in SF, there just isn't much to update on that is very exciting.

I've even gone fifteen minutes since writing that paragraph and can't think of anything to say.  So, I'll just go with a really boring, update-you-with-my-mundane-life kind of post.  Gotta satisfy the readers, y'know?  ;)

I feel like I work, eat, and sleep, then do it all again.  That's the cycle my life is in right now, and that's ok.  They have taken to canceling me at least one shift out of each week, but even when they do it doesn't really benefit me much since I have already slept all day long in preparation for work.  So the cycle still feels the same.  They did cancel me tonight, which is of more benefit since I am off tomorrow as well and now have an entire day to do with what I want!  Christmas shopping, it is!

We haven't gone into SF since the last time I posted about it.  It kind of sucks to be in such close proximity to an awesome city like that and not be able to go in very much.  But we have our fingers crossed that maybe Bela will get canceled tomorrow, and if she does we plan on going into the city!  Typically if we get days off together, it's after I've worked all night and have had to sleep a good deal of the day.  So we usually go see movies.  So far we've seen Thor, Ender's Game, Frozen, and Catching Fire (twice).

So my time lately has been spent watching a lot of Netflix or Hulu.  I was excited to find season 7 of Doctor Who on Hulu!  Now I know what I'll be doing tonight!  Since, y'know, I slept all day, drank three cups of coffee, and THEN got canceled.  Ah, the life of a night nurse!  You gotta love it!