joy and pain

It's the end of 2011. It is time to reflect on the past year.

One year ago today, this is what I said. I wanted a better year, with very little hope that it would be so.

January: I started the year with the memory of my Grandpa so fresh and painful. I moved to night shift. This was one of the best moves in my job that I could have made for my sanity. I did find that it was a better situation, although at times it still seems as bad as day shift was. I took my last trip to Disney World with my annual pass. It seems odd that almost a year has gone by since I went there last, after a year full of trips to Magic Kingdom.

February: This month in my memory stands out as little more than one in which I was sad. I was letting go of friendships, learning that my grandmother's illness was one she could probably not overcome, and just one in which very little happened.

March: I flew up to St. Louis on the 1st of the month to visit my sister, Melissa, as well as to see my grandma. During this visit, she seemed to be improved and in better spirits, giving us hope. We moved her furniture into a cute assisted living facility, preparing her for a new and different life. It was toward the end of my time there that she took a turn for the worst, and before I knew it my parents, siblings, and all of my cousins were flying in for us to say our last goodbyes to Grandma. She passed away on March 11, 2011. I remember March as a very dark month for me and my family, for more reasons than one, but Grandma's death was one that was devastating.

April: Another uneventful month except for a trip up north once again for Grandma's memorial service. This month I began reconnecting with an old friend, Amanda, who was a great comfort through a very grievous time.

May: I went to a Josh Turner concert with my sister, Hannah. It was an awesome time! We also had a Memorial Day picnic with my church.

June: I bought my first car! One of the biggest events of my year. I still love it! I turned 24 on this month, as well, which I let pass with very little ceremony as I was depressed and didn't feel a birthday seemed all that important; I certainly didn't feel like I was important enough for anyone to celebrate. I worked crafts at VBS with my mom and Mrs. Kercher, taking off twelve days of work just for the heck of it. It was my first staycation ever, and I loved it.

July: I spent the 4th with my family as well as my Kercher family, which was fun. I took a trip into the archives of my past and was camp nurse at Southland student conferences at Camp Kulaqua. This was a blast, one of the highlights of my entire year. After that I took 15 days off to go up north and visit family for a huge family reunion. This was a wonderful, relaxing time.

August: One of the most uneventful months of the year. (it always is, isn't it?) I honestly can't remember one thing about August. I say, oh well.

September: Much of this month I spent helping Lauren with wedding stuff. On September 24, she and Brennan got married, and I got to stand second in line as a bridesmaid. Two nights before, I hosted her bachelorette party. Hosting is not my forte, but I think it was a hit and we all had fun. The wedding itself was a blast.

October: I took a fun trip to Washington, DC, with my mom, sister and brother, and Mrs. Kercher. What fun! The day after returning, I decided to move out of the town house and within 12 hours was out of there. It was probably one of the best decisions I made.

November: My friend, Lindsey, was in Tampa visiting so I drove down to hang out with her for a few days. This was a blast! We spent a day in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios, which renewed my love for Harry Potter once again. It was fun. Thanksgiving was spent at my parents' house with the Kerchers and Warrens. Of course an epic Black Friday followed.

December: I don't suppose there is anything to say about December that you haven't read in the past couple of weeks. My time with family was special. I will say that forgiveness has been something that has come out of this month for me.

Though this year has not ended on much of a happy note, and no loose ends are tied, I feel much more at peace today than I did a year ago. And this isn't even to say that 2011 was an entirely sucky year. It was a year of both joy and pain. It is often easy to only remember the pain, but just sitting down to recount the bigger events of the past year is special for me. There has been good in this year. The beauty of life is in both the joy and the heartache. It is the reality of our world--the brokenness of mankind. I leave behind 2011 feeling very let down by people in my life. But this reminds me of just who I need to turn to, One who will never let me down. I'm too quick to forget.

2012: What will I have to say about you a year from now? 2011 flew by at an alarming pace, and so much has happened. I begin 2012 with hope.

I am home from a wonderful trip up to see family. Immediately after work on Saturday, I went to the airport to fly to St. Louis. It was wonderful to walk into my aunt and uncle's house and be greeted by familiarity and the ones I love. Christmas Day was wonderful, complete with my cousin Matt and his wife, Susan with their little girl Theresa (it wasn't long before "Santa Claus" came for a visit!") My other aunt and uncle visited for the afternoon as well, along with my cousin Jonathan. Wonderful, wonderful to see him!! He is doing so well, defied the odds we didn't know if he would beat.

We spent a few nights in the country at my grandparents' house. About 58 people were present, with 25 missing. Very wonderful to be with all of them. Our last night we played the game "Would You Rather?" making my Grandma read off the cards. She is hilarious, and it was one of the best nights of laughter I've ever had.

More and more I see the importance of family-- imperfections and all. I have struggled recently with the changes we are experiencing, the issues of transitioning from child to adult family relationships, among other things. My heart has filled with peace and forgiveness this week, that my burden is lighter and my outlook so much brighter. I realized that it is what it is, it was what it was, and I can make choices to be something else... that I am not destined to a life of bitterness and anger. Nobody or nothing can make me bitter or angry without my allowing for it to be so. What a freeing thought!

Happy New Year! I wonder what 2012 will bring?

Christmas Week

It is almost here! Christmas Day is one week from today. I love Christmas. My name means Christmas child, and I've always thought it quite an appropriate name for myself.

I work tomorrow night, then on Tuesday night my family and I are going to see Michael W. Smith's Christmas concert. I'm so excited about this- what a way to kick off the Christmas week. Saturday after work I will fly up to be with my family for Christmas. I'm very excited.

Melissa visited until Tuesday of this past week. It was a lot of fun! We were all together for the first time since this summer.

Last night the police and fire department gave us a Christmas treat- a parade through our neighborhood with their trucks decked out in Christmas lights, complete with Santa Claus. It really felt like Christmas, with all of them shouting out holiday greetings to us.

Merry Christmas!

A pleasant morning...

I'm home from what was an amazingly easy, slow, pleasant night at work. That never happens. Not. Ever.

Melissa came home for a visit yesterday, and will be here until Tuesday. I'm off until Wednesday. Even though I just worked every other night for the past week (and let me tell you, that's a lot harder than it sounds!), it's ok because this will be a good week.

When I drove home from work yesterday morning, the weather was warm and muggy. When I drove to work last night, it had cooled down to the 50s. This morning, in the low 40s. I'm SO GLAD the weather is cool!

I'm so happy it is Christmastime. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. It doesn't mean things are perfect, because they are far from it. But for once, life feels like it has settled just a little bit.

After 11 months on night shift, I finally invested in one of these!!! It has settings specifically for relaxing, or sleeping, or renewing. I mainly got it for sleeping, but I'm sure I will be able to use it on those days where work has its grip on me in the form of stressing and tension headaches. Going along with what I wrote last week regarding well-being, this is one of the ways I am going to take care of myself-- actually getting a good night's (or day's) sleep and relaxing.

"The Friends"

Ok, the reason for this is not the cheesy slideshow in the video, but because I really love any and all Harry Potter scores (and this song in particular). It played in the Three Broomsticks at the wizarding world of Harry Potter while Allison, Lindsey, and I sat enjoying our lunches a couple weeks ago. And so now when I hear it, I think of those fun times.

Look, it's Hogwarts!

The Gryffindor and the Ravenclaw- always getting along.

Gryffindor, ever suspicious of the Slytherin.

Enjoying a lovely butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks.

Ravenclaw, Slytherin, and Gryffindor.
The Friends.

That day was an awesomely fun one at that. It seems my friends have often been scattered far, with only a couple of exceptions. And so those moments of laughter, comaraderie, and fun are often too far and few between for me.

My day yesterday:

9:30-3:00: Sleep

3:40: Doctor's appointment (which took way too long!)

4:40: Peppermint mocha from Starbucks

5:00-6:00: Chill time on my parents' new furniture-- sooo comfy!

6:00-9:40: Take a nap

Midnight-9:00 today: Sleep!

Exciting day, eh? The first one after work is often like that, although I don't always sleep quite that much. I have to say that working night shift gives one a great excuse to sleep . Not even an excuse, because I'm honestly that tired after work. Not only is working nights alone taxing, but my job is even more taxing. The combination is lethal. I already love sleeping, and night shift gives me more time to sleep than when I worked days.

My family put up our Christmas tree over the weekend. We got a real one this year-- first time since we stayed home in 2000! It is so beautiful and smells soooo good! I love Christmas!

When I say I love Christmas I don't mean it the way other people do. I LOVE Christmas! From the time I was 8 years old until at least high school, I kept a countdown on my wall that I would start during the summer and every morning when I woke up I would mark off another day. I have always listened to Christmas music at all odd times of the year. It's kind of embarrassing, really, how much I am obsessed with Christmastime. Perhaps it's the very idea of it all rather than the holiday itself, but I love anything associated with Christmas.

December is almost here. Hurrah, huzzah!!

Almost a year has gone since the death of Grandpa.

As I was leaving work this morning, I was thinking about the whole process of grief through the last year. The majority of the past twelve months have been a real process of grieving for me. I still remember when we knew he would die and thinking, "How will we go on without him?" It's amazing that a year ago at this time, I couldn't imagine a life without my grandparents. The hardest days were in March and April after my Grandma died. It was truly devastating.

I still miss him. I miss both of them. After my grandparents died, we found a beautiful note from Grandpa to my Grandma on Mothers Day '02. Grandpa often praised her, but their love was one that simply shouted itself from the rooftops and didn't need to prove itself to anyone but each other. To read this note was so beautiful, and gave me a whole new insight into the kind of man that he was. He ended with, "Will you please join me in several more years of wedded bliss? I don't want to move into the future without you." In another from Valentine's '99, he wrote, "Let's consider this as the first day of the rest of our lives..." As mushy as all that sounds, it was love that was tried and true, through 64 and 1/2 years.

I still miss Grandpa. A lot. The corny jokes he could tell, the unsolicited advice he gave, and the lectures on finding a husband starting from the day I turned 18. He would have loved to live to see every one of his grandchildren married. This last year of grieving has sucked. No doubt about it. But I hope my memory of him always remains as fresh and real as it is today.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy late Thanksgiving!

It was a great day. I had to work until 7am, so I slept until about 2:45. We ate a Thanksgiving lupper around 4:00 with the Kerchers and Warrens (friends who are family) and just had a good time visiting and being together. We planned the Friday morning shenanigans as well. Food was in abundance-- sweet potato casserole, corn casserole, turkey, stuffing, homemade mac'n'cheese, cranberry sauce, and my mom's famous homemade rolls! Dessert included apple pie, pumpkin pie, banana pie, ice cream, and homemade whipped cream. Am I making you hungry?

This morning we had our traditional Black Friday fun-- even though most of the stores opened at midnight last night, we still got up and left at 4am to hit the stores early. And we avoided the chaos of the doors opening and people rudely stampeding the aisles. I'd prefer it just the way it was today.

This afternoon I got a mani/pedi. My friend Lindsey had a great post about the importance of well-being. One of the things I do for myself is that. It's a way to relax, and it helps me feel better about myself when my toes and nails are painted. When I'm stuck wearing my ugly scrubs at work, at least my nails look pretty! Another thing is when I'm tired, I let myself rest. Take a nap. Watch an episode of NCIS (my new favorite show). What good am I if I'm always tired and stressed? My job takes a real toll on me. I think we are fooling ourselves when we feel as though we constantly have to be over-drawn, tired, stressed-- and that it's just the way it is. It's almost a martyr attitude (maybe a form of pride?). We don't know how to take time for ourselves, and I'm determined to do that. Perhaps as an introvert, it's easier for me than it might be for an extrovert.

Another old favorite I'm learning to love again: The Crocodile Hunter! That guy had a real passion for wildlife. Watch it and you'll love it too!

THE HOLIDAYS HAVE BEGUN!!!!!! YAY!!

A year ago yesterday my Grandpa went into the hospital. Hard to believe all that can change in a year. He died on December 4, and less than 100 days later my Grandma joined him after a painful struggle.

This morning as I was driving home from work, my mind continued to wander back to those days. They were really hard. Some of the most difficult, emotional, and painful days.

I'm still looking forward to Christmas this year. I found out that I am off Christmas night until the 30th. I couldn't be happier, because it means I will get to join family. It will be our first Christmas without both Grandma and Grandpa. It will be difficult, yes. Christmas was one of the four times a year that we got to see our grandparents. Our family would be with them for the whole week preceding it, and those were always such wonderful, wonderful days. Thoughts of my grandparents will always be on the forefront at Christmastime.

There is a melancholy happiness in me today. Things that once were but are no more. Yet they are always mine. People grow old and pass on. Relationships can change and be lost. Circumstances change. But I'll always have the memories. I spoke with my friend, Lindsey last week about this. We were almost in tears at the thought (In our defense, Hogwarts hymn was playing at the same time- how can you not feel sad?).

Today I ask for prayers for my cousin Jonathan. I've not wanted to impose on the privacy of my Aunt and Uncle and cousins and so chosen not to speak of it before now. Thankfully he has greatly improved, but he is still very, very sick.

Apparently I offended somebody with my last post. Greatly.

That was not my intention in posting it. I didn't craft that post to hurt anyone, and I hope that none of you think that. It wasn't directed at any specific person. I wrote it to talk about all the most common blogs that I've seen, because quite honestly it's all kind of amusing when you think about it. That's all it was meant to be, even if I was more critical of one over the others.

I did not publicly call anyone out. I would never, ever do that.

I wrote a second post on here last night before being addressed by this person. It was somewhat of a sequel to what I spoke about, because the whole idea of women who at times over-glorify their husbands was on my mind throughout the rest of that day. I don't just see it in blogs. I see it on facebook, I see it at church, it's everywhere, often from people who I love dearly (and not from everybody-- but it's there). There isn't one person who does it that I was trying to call out. I limited what I was saying to blogs, because I was blogging about blogs. Plain and simple. I read several blogs that do this. I wasn't going to call out any of them individually, I was simply expressing my opinion on the subject. It was honesty, whether it was right or wrong.

Maybe someday you'll get to see that post I wrote last night. It was funny. It wasn't about anybody, it was about a lot of scenarios I have seen. I write about a lot of things, none of which are meant to pick on anyone or gossip. Read through my blog from the last three years and never once will you see me individually pick on a person, or gossip about an individual.

A lot of what I said yesterday are things that have been bouncing around in my head for awhile now. It wasn't stemming from a sudden impulse to inflict pain or hurt feelings. Perhaps my apology at the end was half-hearted, because I could have deleted everything I said. But perhaps it was also something that needs to be said. I am seldom one to mince words. Sometimes it is to a fault, which was probably the case yesterday. Also, what I said wasn't an exhaustive description of what I think about marriage (nothing about my blog is exhaustive of who I am as a person or what I believe! As I said yesterday, you all already know why I blog). I think marriage is wonderful. I have seen wonderful examples of marriage all my life, and have never had reason to believe anything negative about marriage.

If I offended any one else, I'm truly sorry. I'm not going to censor my posts anymore when it comes to the subject of dating, marriage, singleness, etc (or anything else, really). I have a great fear of being pegged as the insecure, bitter single cat lady, and even when I wrote what I did yesterday I knew I was treading dangerous waters-- but I was still writing what I see. Because truly, I don't live a miserable existence as a single woman. Do I have occasional bouts of feeling sorry for myself? Yes. Like how sometimes I feel sorry for myself because my nursing job is hard, even though I chose it. Sometimes you'll also hear how I love it. Sometimes you'll hear about my struggles through it. It's about being real. All of us have a lot of crap in our lives we wish we didn't. Single or married, life is hard. But my point is that in Christianity, we often want marriage to look like it is the ultimate fulfillment of life, and the truth is it's not. (Disclaimer: I am not calling anyone out nor insinuating that any individual who reads this blog says or believes this)

I didn't know there were bad marriages until I was probably in college, or at least didn't see them as a reality. That is the honest to God truth. I still believe strongly in marriage, regardless of those I have seen fail. I am thankful to God that my parents have such a strong love for each other and for Him. I have grandparents who always modeled the same. I have many friends as well who are happily married, some for more than a few years. Yesterday's post wasn't a jab at marriage.

And maybe I don't have to defend all of this to anyone. But the fact that anybody thought that, I wonder how many other people got the same impression? I'm not here to hurt or inflict pain. Take things that I say with a grain of salt, please. This blog is public (though I don't think many read it). I am aware that what I say is out there for anyone to see. Perhaps my words yesterday were hurtful to some, and for that I'm sorry. Believe me, I'm not going to flippantly be ugly towards people here. Can I be sarcastic at times? A little. Do I say things I shouldn't? Probably. Am I perfect? No. Can I be immature? At times. You'll see all of that here. But I'm careful about what I say on a blog.

"I have faults. What are they? I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend to much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit people with my car.... so sue me. No, don't sue me. That's exactly opposite the point I'm trying to make." -Michael Scott

I've decided that there are four main types of blogs out there.

Mom blogs (10 extra points if it's a Mormon mom blog). I have to admit, I'm kind of addicted to these. Their lives often look picture-perfect. They post pictures of every minute, cute thing their kid does from drawing all over their faces with markers to little birthday celebrations with the kids covered in birthday cake.

The husband-worshiper blog. These blogs are nothing but a shrine to one's husband. We've all seen these, and often this one falls under the umbrella of the mom blog as well. These can be the most difficult to read. If you are going to write love letters to your husband, I can assure you: I do not need to read them! (and neither does anyone else) I believe that you love your husband and don't need to read your sonnets to believe it. It's kind of sick.

The pastor blog. I don't need to say much to describe this one: the mini sermons in a blog. Your daily bread in a blog. And I love these kinds. My pastors have never done these, though I wish they would. It's an easy way to become more accessible to your congregation.

The creative blog. Recipes, crafts, interior decorating, etc... all of these fall under the creative blogs. I'm insanely jealous of every woman who writes these, as I don't have one creative bone in my body. It's why I have friends like Lauren.

My blog doesn't fall under any of these, so if I may I will add a fifth. The stress-relief blog. I don't really blog for anyone other than myself. I'm not working to create a following of readers (I might argue that a few of the above-mentioned probably are). I have blogged for more than three years now on blogger, and long before that on xanga. I've always done this as a way to keep in touch with people, as well as to relieve stress, as I said before. I don't try to create a facade that my world is perfect, that I always do and say the right things. Occasionally I may say things I shouldn't, yes.

I keep a diary almost daily. I don't need my blog to be a diary. It is simply there for any who want to read it, but even if nobody does, I'm ok with it. I truly enjoy blogging. And I love reading other blogs.

If I come across as critical of other blogs here, I'm not trying to. If I've offended anyone, I'm sorry. You could easily argue that I can simply ignore the husband-worshiping blogs, since I probably gave those a bum rap over all the others. Ok, ok. I'll give you that much. Still, they are out there, and I can't be the only person who finds these obnoxious. No, no, I'm not simply bitter because I don't have a husband that I can blog-worship. Or am I? Hm...

Moving on. Today may be Monday to you, but to me it is Saturday. :) Happy weekend!