I grew up in the church. I accepted Christ at a young age, and have followed Him ever since. I attended the same church from pre-school until just a few weeks ago, when I moved. I decided that, even if I didn't find a new church right away, I was not going to go back to my old one on a weekly basis. Nothing against it, but I knew that if I allowed myself to do that then I would once again get comfortable there, and never venture out on my own. Of course, one could argue I'm too afraid to venture out as it is.

Finding a new church is the worst experience ever. Maybe just for me, I don't know. In college, I did try another church for about six months. I tried so hard, and never connected. So I went back to my old church. Due to work, I haven't been able to try a new church yet over here. Which also makes things hard, because consistency is something that's almost impossible for a nurse when it comes to going to church. One of my friends, a strong Christian, has to work every weekend due to her kids and she almost never can make it to church. I'm trying to figure out if there's some other way to fellowship with Christians. Or look for a church that has an odd service? But then it's only on Saturday nights, which I work a lot of.

And so, I suppose right now I'm between churches. I mentioned that to two good friends a few weeks ago, and got the silent judgmental stare. Honestly, I'm not "quitting" church. I'm in a place where it's really hard to consistently go every week because of my job, and so trying a new church makes it even harder. There is never that, "See you next week!" for me. My good friend who lives in the same apartment complex with me has invited me to hers, so when she is back in town I will go with her. Having a friend already there will probably help with that transition.

I used to not get why people didn't try new churches. How it was so easy, even if still actively in the faith, to simply not go to church. But I get it now. Church can be one of the most unwelcoming places if you are new there. Or even if you aren't new, but for reasons out of your control have had to be less connected (and at some point, your only connection any longer is that your parents are there). I wonder how often in the past, I was one of those unwelcoming people. Probably more than I'd like to admit. I feel it is as fruitless to continue attending a church where you aren't growing and not connecting, as it is to not attend church at all. Is there anyone else who has ever felt the same way? The sameness of it all gets too comfortable. At least coming from someone who attended the same church for 20 years, that's how it is.

I love my old church, and this isn't me saying anything against it (not to say it doesn't have its faults). It's just where I am at right now. A part of my heart will always belong in that church. There are many people that I love there. I learned to know Christ there. As a homeschooler growing up, that place was my life. But I think that for me in this next phase of growing up, it is time to say goodbye. I just hope I can find a new church soon, one that I can feel connected to and grow in.

What makes a good Friday night? I'll tell you. Chili's to go, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, and me and my kitty just hanging out. Obviously not the most exciting, but it's definitely the way I like to spend my first night off of work. I overslept until 6:30 today and when I woke up couldn't tell if it was morning or evening. Since I was so tired, I decided to order me some cajun chicken pasta from Chili's! And have I mentioned I hate cooking? Especially cooking for one- where's the motivation in that?

At the moment I'm listening to one of my neighbors throwing a party and feeling very boring myself. Oh, well. I'm gonna take my brother to see Star Wars in 3D tomorrow, now that's exciting!

This is the first of FIVE glorious nights off! I haven't had this many off in a row for awhile now. I've been working a very frustrating schedule for a night shifter, and I'm so ready to get it back to the way it used to be. Here's to making the most of my five nights off!

Coming from a family in which eating disorders seem to run rampant, I am scared to death of them. Scared out of my wits. I do everything I can to avoid them, including never dieting because I know where that road leads. I believe in not allowing myself to gain weight so that I will never have to diet to lose it. Because I've never seen dieting done successfully and healthfully. I've hovered at the same weight since mid-college without dieting or restricting myself. Obviously I'm no toothpick; I border on plus-size but am proud of my curves that make me beautiful. (regardless of what anyone else thinks!)

A running joke between me and my best friend ever since I can remember, is that we are picky eaters. And almost to an extreme, though probably I am more than she. Though it's no eating disorder, it is something I can't help and I hate it about myself. I constantly am asked if I ever eat "real food." I've grown very insecure about eating in front anyone who isn't already accustomed to my odd eating habits. I hate trying new restaurants. The restaurants I do eat at, I never sway from the one dish that I find appetizing, and often it involves chicken fingers. My diet is incredibly limited because 80% of food out there isn't even food to me. Put a plate of vegetables in front of me and it might as well be a plate of vomit. I cringe when I imagine there are people who eat vegetarian diets, because I couldn't handle that.

It's laughable that a 24-year-old adult can't stomach vegetables or exotic foods as if she were a 5-year-old. People told me for years that I would outgrow it, and I'm still waiting for that to happen. Until then, I know the foods that I can handle and perhaps someday I will be able to handle more.

It's days like this when I don't like working night shift. I have to work tonight, but I can't sleep for the life of me today. I woke up at 9:30 this morning and am almost always able to get in a short nap at some point before work. So far, unsuccessful. Oh well. Just have to get through 12 hours of work and then can come home and sleep, hopefully rested enough to work another two nights.

I got together with a few nursing friends yesterday. Always a good time! I found this dress at Ann Taylor, and I was so excited that it is long on me!! Never, ever, is anything made for height in the clothes department. I imagine most people have to get it hemmed when they buy it, but not me! It's perfect! Anyway, I won't be wearing it for probably at least a few more weeks due to weather being just a tad too cool.

Although on that note, it has been an unusually warm winter, even for Florida. Most days have been highs in the 70s, with even a couple in the 80s. I've found myself wanting to go to the beach. Of course whatever it is 20 miles inland, you can always count on it being 5 degrees cooler on the beach with a breeze. Though I usually enjoy the colder weather, I'm actually ok with the warmth we've been getting.

And here I am, completely exhausted but facing three nights of work. I'm so excited. But thankful that I have a job. I'm just hoping they are manageable nights. I haven't worked three in a row for awhile, and I'm sure I'll remember why once I do it. Roughly 40 hours of work in 72 hours' time is pretty tough. I'm just looking forward to my 5 nights off at the end of the month!

Apparently there was some football game on and I missed it? Oh well.

I spent the best evening reading and listening to music. The best! After I woke up late (5:45) I went to Barnes & Noble to pick up a few books. I've lately really gotten into Nicholas Sparks. Tonight I read The Last Song. So good, but why do his books always have to be so sad? I used to swear I hated Nicholas Sparks until I realized my favorite movies were based on his books. Except The Notebook. I hated both the movie and the book. I think I'm the only person I know with that opinion.

Tomorrow I'm getting together with a few nursing school buddies. We swore back in October we would get together more often, but since we hadn't really seen each other since graduation, four months is good!

I should be going to bed soon, but considering it's barely mid-day according to my inner clock, I'm not tired at all. It's always tough the first night off, especially when I only have two or three off at a time and not really enough time to adjust to being awake during the day. I hate/love that about night shift. Hate it because I don't have much of a life as a result, but love it because I love all the sleep that it affords me. Sometimes I think I love sleeping more than is normal.

Well, good night and hoping for a wonderful week for you.

I finally have my internet set up. Getting simple things like TV and internet set up can be real pain. You forget about it until you have to do it all over again.

I'm almost three weeks living at my new apartment, and loving it! I have been working an odd schedule, so I feel like about all I've done is work, sleep, and eat.

In my spare time, I have read the The Hunger Games series (ok, it was spare time over the span of 2 days). I have to say, I was skeptical to even start them because of the way everyone talked them up. It took me half-way through the first book to really get into it or find it interesting, but once I did I was hooked. I found it disturbing and weird at first. They are still disturbing and weird, but you see the reason for all that in the end. Sadly, I felt like it ended with too many loose ends, and there are no more books. I am excited about the movie coming out in March though!

As for work, lately I have been in the zone. I'm actually enjoying it (for the most part) and not absolutely dreading when I have to go in. Work hard, play harder! There are definitely still frustrating days, but I'm finding myself enjoying the challenge that each one brings.

I've found a new rhythm for my little life, and I'm loving it. Does someone wanna come be my personal chef? I'm learning that I hate cooking. A lot.

New Home

Well, in a whirlwind of a weekend, I have moved out of my parents' house and found a place of my own! I'm so excited! It couldn't be a better situation. It's very small but is perfect for me- and in a much safer area than my last place.

I own very little furniture- it definitely looks like a college kid's apartment more than anything. Once I get things set up I'll post pictures. This is about all I'm going to write because I'm posting from my phone since I haven't set up Internet.

That's all. :)

I finally upgraded my cell phone (yay!) and can actually put more apps and music onto it. I've been operating by the old 3GS and unable to really do much more than make calls, text, or browse facebook. I have had Netflix awhile and finally put the app on my phone. Probably the best and worst thing, because now I have too many TV shows and movies at my fingertips. I watched That Thing You Do at work this week during down time. Now I'm into The Kennedys. Very interesting. Makes me so fascinated with the '60s. (And I LOVE Greg Kinnear!) Also, I'm now into How I Met Your Mother.

Work has been good to me this week, from the extremes of crazy and exhilaratingly busy, to a chill, slow night on Thursday. I'm precepting a student as well, which is good. Hoping that it goes well.

Well I thought I would get on here today and have plenty to say, but I really don't. I'm ready for the weekend and some chill-time.

Realist Nat is back! ;)

I had a fantastic two nights of work this week. They were actually among the busiest I've had, but for some reason were different in that I felt like I got to do REAL nursing (instead of dealing with some of the nonsense I often do) and make a real difference. Like because I was there, my patients were truly better off. Wow! I walked away from work yesterday morning actually thinking to myself, I love my job!

I went to Starbucks with my mom, brother, Mrs. Kercher, and Lauren today. While we were there, a massive truck pulled into the spot next to my car and hit my sideview mirror. Lauren and I went outside to look at it, and it was fine. Lauren was more mad than I was. As long as there's not damage, I felt like no harm done and it doesn't make sense to be a jerk about it. (maybe I'm just a pushover? If damage was done I would definitely have been mad) The guys in the truck felt really badly and bought me a Starbucks gift card as an apology. I thought that was really nice. Then an old lady came up to me and said to get his plate number, because people lie to you about their name, even after I told her no damage was done. She seemed really miffed that I disregarded her advice, but I did eventually get it just in case. Everything works fine, however, and I got a $15 Starbucks money out of it.

My ankle is ok. Still sore and still pretty swollen, but as long as I keep it wrapped and ice it often, I do ok. I can walk on it and I'm glad for that.

Who doesn't love a beautiful wedding, seeing the happy couple, a beautiful reception, open bar, and a party with a bunch of friends?

I just came back from one of my high school friends' weddings. Get ready, cause this is a Natalie you don't get to see that often.

It really was a beautiful wedding. I don't know if I've ever seen a couple who looked so happy with each other. Watching her walk down the aisle and seeing the smile on her face, I did have a little twinge of wondering, will someone ever make me smile that way, or look at me the way that he looks at her? I honestly do not dwell on things like this, or worry myself about it very often. Feelings like this are like passing thoughts, but I do feel that I should acknowledge them because fleeting though they may be, they are very real.

When it comes to marriage, I do feel like it's not going to happen. I'm not hopeless about it, because I am ok being single. I know who I am and can be who I am whether it's on the arm of a man or not. I don't even want this to go into a pity party, because that's not what it is. It is just me being unusually wistful mixed with a little realism.

I like seeing other people happy, I really do, even if it doesn't seem that way sometimes.

Don't worry. The more realistic Natalie will be back soon.

I woke up Wednesday morning with a very sore back. By Wednesday night it was so bad I couldn't go to work. I still couldn't go back last night.

So while I'm home from work last night, I was walking into my room to give water to my cat, when the next thing I know my left ankle is turning, I hear something cracking, water is being thrown into the air, and I'm completely wiped out on the floor. I was almost in tears, it hurt so badly. I was positive it was broken, or at the very least sprained.

It isn't swollen in the least, which I can't figure out. I think I tore or stretched a ligament somewhere, or pulled something out of joint because if I even so much as lean slightly back on my leg, it feels like something is about to tear in my ankle. Yikes, I should probably go to the doctor but I feel like it's really not so bad.

So that is the latest update in the excitement of my life. My back feels a little better today. Tomorrow I'll be going to the wedding of one of my high school friends. Today I think I need to get a dress for it, because I just realized that I don't own more than two dresses. I really don't like wearing dresses or skirts, never have. Give me a big comfy pair of baggy sweats and hoodie. Sex-ay! And I really do like dressing girly, but for some reason dresses just annoy the heck out of me.

Happy weekend!

I'm not a fan of resolutions, however, after reading Real Simple today I came up with what may qualify as one. Though I still don't like to call it that. An article in this month's magazine spoke about "rumination," which is basically recalling moments of the past, over-analyzing them, wondering if that's why you are the way you are, etc...

Rumination is said to be closely linked to depression.

I realized how much I do this, some of which has been influenced by those close to me, but that it is a real problem in my life (one that can be anxiety-inducing and--yes, depression-inducing if I'm not careful). In relation to my last couple of posts, I'm learning to acknowledge those things, but to look at myself right now; to take ownership of who I am and not blame.

Call it a New Year's resolution if you will, however it is simply a resolution in relation to current circumstances and in taking care of myself to keep away from a path I do not want to follow. In several ways, I have felt I am at a crossroads in life these past months, and I know the one I do not want to choose.

Another thing, influenced by Real Simple, is I am resolving to nix the negativity. Especially when it comes to facebook and how I project myself, but I figure I should probably practice that in life as well. We'll see how it goes, though please don't expect perfection out of it. My sister recently pointed out to me that one of her friends, also a nurse (though arguably in a less stressful field), told her that I complain too much on facebook. I was kind of ticked off, and still am, but decided that to a degree, she was right. I realize that people can't take comments and statuses in the context that I am writing them, and how it truly could sound extremely negative. And that the negative comments stand out above many of my other more positive, upbeat status updates.

I am proud to say that I am home from vacation, having worked two nights so far, and am not sick. It seems whenever I travel, (especially to a colder climate) I am prone to get sick when I come home. Even being around a few little snotty noses up north, I was able to avoid it. Hurrah! And I did NOT get my flu shot (though I may have already had the flu in October).

Happy New Year!