Biking Blues

Post long bike ride... I am always amazed at the all-day hunger that ensues!  It seems no amount of food completely satiates me on these days.  It's difficult to justify eating all day long, even with the amount of activity I'm doing and yes, even if it's healthy food.  Of course I don't literally eat all day, but every few hours is quite often for most people.

Biking just isn't my strength, which I think is part of it.  It is so incredibly taxing for me.  I keep waiting for some sort of break-through, where I'll kill a ride and be a total badass doing it.  But mostly I just feel like I'm struggling through every ride, and I can't figure out why.  My nutrition both before and during is pretty on-point.  I have been training now for twelve weeks (crazy right?!) and spent the entire winter in high-intensity spinning classes 2-3 days a week to prepare myself so I wouldn't start biking season with weak legs.

I'm a fairly decent swimmer, especially for someone who has never swam competitively.  I have cut my swim times to probably 2/3 of what they were before last fall.  My running pace has improved, as well as my endurance.  What gives with the bike?  I can't figure out if maybe it's mostly my attitude (which has been incredibly discouraged) or my legs just aren't biking legs.  I don't know.  I'm strong, I have muscular legs, and cardiovascular-wise I am very in shape.

I'm trying not to be discouraged by this.  I know I have been giving it my all, especially given the schedule I work.  Being on night shift is one of the hardest things to do when you're trying to train for something like this.  Add to it the long runs of 12-hour nights, trying to squeeze workouts in between, running (literally) on very little sleep... it's been really tough.  I've made many sacrifices to do this, and I shouldn't downplay that.  I've worked damn hard and I will own that.  But I am still frustrated with the biking.  Perhaps next week I will be back with a better report there?  That big break-through I'm hoping for?  ;)

After this week, I will no longer be a night nurse.


After five years of working night shift, I am finally making the transition back to days.  I started on nights when I was still a pretty new nurse.  I was young-- 23--and my body made the transition fairly well.  With the exception of a sleepless night here and there, life on nights was pretty awesome for awhile.  In fact, I was sleeping more than I ever had before and I was loving it.


Toward the end of 2014, anxiety and depression weaseled its way into my life, manifesting in extreme insomnia.  Although the anxiety/depression somewhat dissipated, the insomnia never went away.  For a year and a half I lived on restless, broken-up nights and days of sleep.  Never getting more than 3-4 hours at a time, 5 if it was a good night.  The very occasional long night of sleep was never enough to make up for it.  I was on my way to a nervous breakdown if I didn't do something soon.  I describe it as feeling constantly on edge.  Anxious when I went to sleep because I was afraid I wouldn't sleep well.  Anxious when I was awake because I was so beyond exhausted I could barely function.  I was miserable.


I finally caved a couple of months ago and went to the doctor to be put on something to help me sleep.  Nothing strong, but I had tried everything in the book up until that point.  That first night I woke up after eight full hours of sleep was heavenly... I remember feeling better than I had felt in over a year.  Finally I had to make the decision that it's best for my health that I go back to day shift.  Even though I'm now sleeping well at nighttime, in between shifts is still iffy.


I can't do it anymore.  I can't manage switching back and forth.  Even while my sleep is better than it was, I want to feel better all the time, and not just on my days off when I'm on a "day schedule."  I'm tired of trying to stay up late the night before work, getting in a good nap the next day, and then trying to keep myself awake all night that first night back.  I'm tired of having low energy.  It is a tired that cannot be explained.  It is being drained of all energy, legs heavy.


I've known for at least six or seven months that this switch was coming.  I am nervous to make the switch, nervous for a faster-paced environment in a facility in which I am still new.  Here's to new change, and hoping that it will be for the best!

This recent study published in the New York Times caught my attention recently.  It reveals the slowed metabolisms of the contestants of Biggest Loser and how their bodies fight to go back to their previous weight.  I know that it has been known for a long time that our bodies have a "set point" which is extremely difficult to lower.

Then today, I saw this clip from the Today Show in which they interviewed Bob Harper.  It disgusted me... to be honest, it's almost triggering for me in my own disordered eating mindset I have lived in for so long.  Most of all at the end, this promotion of intermittent fasting.  Hey, wake up, starve yourself until lunch.  Sounds like a great idea.  His response to peoples' metabolism slowing down with weight loss?  "If you skip one meal, you could be offsetting that easily."  And his last comment, "Starchy carbs, sugar, is not a part of my diet, and it shouldn't be a part of yours."  Just... no.

I get it.  This has been what his entire career has been built on.  Weight loss through extreme diet and exercise.  He's not going to go on this show and say, "We did Biggest Loser all wrong!  I take it all back!"

I just cringe at the thought of the millions of people, overweight or not, who will watch this and instantly feel shame, guilt, and more over their own exercise and eating regimen.  Young people who might already be on the brink of eating disorders... people who are already in the throes of raging eating disorders... people who are already living a healthy, fit lifestyle, whose bodies may have settled comfortably into a weight that might not be considered lean and toned.  Bullshit like this can throw people into extremely unhealthy habits that start into a cycle of under-eating, restriction, bingeing, purging, etc.  I know, because I have been there and so have many others!  All the willpower in the world cannot prevent this cycle once it is in motion.

It's just scary to me that lifestyles like this are being promoted as healthy.  That we look up to people like Bob Harper.  I believe he means well.  He follows his own advice he doles out to people, which I suppose I have to give him some credit for, but that doesn't mean it's well-advised or healthy.  That doesn't mean this lifestyle fits in for the everyday person.  But the thing is-- he is nothing more than a celebrity with certifications in personal training.  He is not a dietitian, he does not have a degree, he is not a scientist.  Sadly, however, most Americans will continue to buy into this kind of bullshit sold by not only Bob Harper, but trainers and "fitness professionals" alike.

It really breaks my heart.

On a somewhat slow night at work last night, I took some time and read through some of my old blog posts on here.  I forgot how faithful I was blogging several times a week once upon a time.  My life was obviously much less busy in those days, but I got to thinking about how much I really miss blogging.  I don't keep a journal anymore, and I don't blog.  But I would really like to get back to updating this more regularly, and about more than just my work and training life.

I am such a different person today than I was when I started keeping up with this blog.  In the past two and a half years I have really grown into myself.  And because I haven't really kept up with writing down my thoughts throughout that time, so much of the process seems to be lost on me.  It's like, yes--travel nursing and moving across the country, seeing all kinds of new places, meeting all kinds of people, living independently-- it has changed me.  But when it comes to putting it into words for other people to understand?  I am at a loss.

I think about the beginning of my time as a travel nurse.  Driving across the country with my best friend, all of our stuff packed to the ceiling in my little Corolla.  That feeling of being both scared and excited at the same time, not knowing what was in store.  The loneliness that ensued for the next three months in California, the stress of the job assignment, the homesickness for familiarity.  The exploration of new cities week after week.  The boredom that came most days because we worked opposite schedules and the truth is, travel nursing is a lot less glamorous than it looks from the outside (as most things are).

Driving from California to Washington, the place I would eventually call home, though I didn't know it at the time.  I thought travel nursing was going to be an indefinite thing.  I thought maybe I'd take an assignment in Seattle, or start making my way back east by taking assignments in places like St. Louis or Cleveland.  

And in that time thinking I had met the man I would marry... putting a halt to my travels for him (at times I regret this decision, wondering where life would have taken me--although I don't dwell on it).  In that time experiencing the highest of highs and lowest of lows, feeling directionless, lonely, and hateful.

The saddest part of it all is I have become so disconnected from my life back home.  It isn't that I wanted to be disconnected, but that's what happens when one picks up and moves across the country. When your parents don't travel, and most of your friends save a few lose touch with you and you lose touch with them, everything you knew suddenly seems so far away.  And then you begin to question your entire belief system, something your entire life once revolved around.  Which has perhaps been the most alienating part of it all.

I'd like to get back to blogging regularly, regardless of whether or not anyone reads it.  I am resolving to sit down and write at least once or twice a week at the minimum.  So here goes nothing!

The Beat Goes On

The rhythm of life drums on the same day in and day out.  My life is pretty much consumed with working, training, eating, and sleeping.  I don't do much else right now.  Training has returned to being a bit more enjoyable, my bike rides less burdensome than before.  I still have fear on the roads with traffic, and at times I am a bit held back by this.  But I'm no longer worried about race day and whether or not I will finish the ride in time.  What will be is what will be.

Right now I'm very focused on my nutrition and listening to my body.

As for my nutrition, I have been working with a dietitian to help me with my daily intake as well as my sports nutrition around my workouts.  Having never trained for anything at this kind of intensity before, I felt I was sort of spinning my wheels in that department.  I wish I had reached out earlier for help, but seeing how I will be training for a marathon starting as soon as my triathlon is done, I thought it was wise.  So far it has been so helpful, and I look forward to making progress in that area.

Learning to listen to my body is hard.  You want to get in the necessary training sessions, but not push yourself to the point of injury.  I trained through a nagging Achilles issue last week, and as soon as I finished my 12-mile run on Thursday I knew I probably should not have done that.  I have issues with training through pain when I shouldn't.  So this morning before my workout, I promised myself that if I started my run and felt the pain, I would stop.

I swam my sprint intervals and felt great.  So I changed into my running clothes, excited to start my run.  And I felt it... just barely.  But the twinge of pain told me that if I kept running on it, it wasn't going to just get better as the run went on.  So I turned around and decided to go to bed early.  A little extra rest never hurt anyone, and it's better to be safe than sorry.  Even as I walked into my apartment, my mind was yelling at me to get back out there and finish that workout, dammit!  But I knew I was doing the right thing for my body.

It may seem silly that it's so hard to do this, but when you're in training and wanting to prepare your body for the stress of a race, it's actually a lot harder to skip workouts than you might think, regardless of how you feel.  I'm proud of myself for listening to my body and holding back when I knew it needed a little more rest.  I will plan on doing that run tomorrow.

I am not going to lie.  I look forward to June 26, not only because I am excited to race, but I am also going to be ready to have my life back.  Will I do another 70.3 next year?  I don't know.  I think if I actually enjoy the race itself, I might.  I know training for a marathon will be no easy feat either, but my training plan for that incorporates 2 rest days plus 1 cross-training day each week.  And on top of that, I simply enjoy running more than swimming or biking.

Well, perhaps I shall be back on here to write something besides triathlon talk.  Once my life gets back to "normal," that might be the case!

IM 70.3 Thoughts

If there's one thing I'm coming to realize as I train for my 70.3...

Comparison truly is the thief of joy.

My journey to this triathlon won't look like anyone else's.  I have challenged my body in many ways the past seven weeks.  I have had moments of triumph and elation at reaching new goals.  I have also had moments of wanting to give up.  In fact, one of those moments came last week, and that moment stretched into a day which stretched into two days, then three, four...

I was texting my best friend telling her I didn't think I wanted to do this triathlon anymore.  Telling people at work I was ready to give up because I feel I have made no progress on the bike.  Telling myself that I wasn't good enough, that I am a joke for even thinking I can do this.  Who do I think I am, taking on a challenge like this?  What am I trying to prove?

My internal dialogue has been ugly at times.

I am grateful for people like my friend Elaine.  Who, even while she told me I have come too far, worked too hard, and poured too much passion into this to give up now... also said that even if I didn't do this triathlon, it wouldn't make me any less as a person.

After this week, I am half-way through my training.  I will be eight weeks out.  And it will only get harder over the next several weeks before tapering back down.  But I can only worry about each day as it comes.  Thinking about every day of training, every workout, every long bike ride... it's too overwhelming.

If there's one thing I know it is this: I will NEVER do a full Ironman!  This has proven to be one of the biggest challenges of my life, and while I'm determined not to give up, I am realizing that training of this magnitude simply isn't what I want my life to be.

Perhaps in the post-race euphoria I will feel differently.  I don't know.

For now I just keep going.  I will get there, I will finish, and I will do the absolute best I can!

I realize it has been over a month since my last dismal entry, which probably left anyone who reads this wondering.


Update: I am doing much, much better.  Turns out there were some physiological things that were contributing to my issues, and the past few weeks have been so much better for me.  And I am thankful.


I am on my fifth week of my training plan for my Ironman 70.3 in June.  I can't believe how quickly it has already gone.  It is definitely a huge challenge some days to get it in.  Six days a week of training when you work twelve hour shifts is no easy task.  Admittedly there are days I work out and wonder if it's even worth it to get it in that day, due to being so tired.  I'm hopeful it will pay off, as most days I would rather just come home from work and immediately crawl into bed like I used to.


The most discouraging part of training so far for me has been the biking.  I don't know if I'll ever be  a strong cycler.  In many ways I feel very weak overall as a triathlete.  Many people have their strength, and I feel I am "just average" at all of it.  I suppose for me I am glad that swimming isn't a weakness, as that seems to be the trend among most triathletes.  And obviously I'm not doing this to win.  At this point a finish is going to be a win for me.  Not to mention a stubborn foot issue I have been dealing with and can't seem to shake.


Life otherwise is fairly uneventful these days.  And I'm ok with that.  We'll see where it takes me over the next few months.  Two of my sisters will be visiting me at the end of the month, which I am so excited about!  I've got the Bloomsday race coming up in May, which I'm looking forward to crushing last year's time! (hopefully)


I'm not even sure anyone still reads this blog anymore, but I do like to keep it updated here and there!  Here's hoping life is treating you well also!

Well, life knows how to throw curveballs, that's for sure.


I'm not in a good place right now... I feel very isolated and far away from everyone and everything.  I'm working on it and taking the time I need to deal with it, and hoping that it is a passing phase.  But it's one I've certainly never experienced quite to this degree.


In the meantime, there are small comforts here and there, little things that help me get through.  I don't want to alarm anyone, as I'm *mostly* ok, and that whatever this is, I know I'll pull through-- just like always.


So until the next time, I would be appreciative of any positive thoughts or prayers sent my way.


-Natalie

Whole30, Round 2

As week one of my 2nd Whole30 draws to a close, I've had a lot of thoughts swirling in head about Whole30 and why I love it.

This week definitely started out a little difficult, as most Whole30's do.  I didn't really have cravings so much as I struggled because I am a bored eater and an emotional eater.  Two very bad combinations.  Sitting on the couch at night with Netflix makes me want to grab a pint of ice cream.  Three AM at work with nothing happening makes me want to forage for food.  The list could go on, but I think you get the point.  I like to eat basically when there's nothing else to do.

Not only that, I definitely have sugar addiction, and I don't mean "Oh I need a piece of chocolate every day so I can get my fix!"  I mean, once I start eating sweets I almost can't stop.  It can be really difficult, although I think I have learned to manage it pretty well... but it's still difficult.  It isn't even a matter of being deprived that makes me binge on sweets.  I just have that problem.  It wouldn't matter if I had eaten ice cream the night before or gone a year without it, because I'll want those sweets just as badly either way.  (This is something very few people seem to understand about people who are actually sugar addicts)

So all that to say... I love Whole30 because it takes such a balanced approach to food.  I know a lot of people look at the rules and would probably laugh at that statement.

But compare Whole30 to other diets.  Sure, it restricts certain food groups. But not as a way to say hey, you can never ever eat that food again or make it a regular part of your diet!  No, it's as a way to re-introduce those foods back into your diet to see how they truly affect you... and then YOU decide whether or not you really want to continue keeping them in your diet based on how they affect you.  Not based on a number on the scale or a size on a tag.

Yeah, Whole30 is a pretty tough-love program.  Mess up and you're supposed to start over.  But at no point does Whole30 make you count, measure, weigh, calculate points, etc.  You cannot weigh yourself during your Whole30.  And for someone who has food issues, control issues, body image issues, this. Is. Huge.  I have tried other ways.  I have calorie-counted.  I have Weight Watchers points-counted.  And that has only EVER gotten me to a horrible, awful place with food.

The first time I ever binged was in the middle of Weight Watchers a year and a half ago.  This wasn't a sugar binge, it was just a total food binge.  I couldn't help it, I literally felt out of control of what I was doing.  That is hard to explain to people who have never experienced it.  And I tried and tried to overcome it by more restriction, restriction, restriction.  Just be strong, have the willpower you need, etc.  I weighed myself daily.  I would wake up and eat a small, "healthy" breakfast, only to fight the urge the rest of the day and finally give in that night.

I finally began to take a more balanced approach over the next few months, but it still occasionally happened.  Then as fall approached and I started having issues with my boyfriend at the time, I lost my appetite almost completely (something that had never happened in my entire life, nor has it since) and that weight began to fall off.  Of course I was happy, because food no longer pre-occupied my thoughts like it had before.  But I remember thinking, this is going to screw with my metabolism, and most certainly not help my food issues.  As my appetite came back, the urge to binge somewhat came back, but at a more controllable level.

So when I started Whole30, I was afraid.  Afraid that all my food issues would come flying back with a vengeance.

What surprised me was that they didn't.  I gained more food freedom during Whole30 than I ever had before in my life.  It certainly brought some issues that I've mentioned before, in the form of being too strict with label-reading and things like that.  Like I said, it's not perfect.  But I remember that first instance of being in the same room with a container of cupcakes at work, and having absolutely zero urge to eat even one.

I'm approaching this Whole30 with a different attitude than before, which I will talk more about another time.

I know people think I've "drank the kool-aid."  I know that.  But I encourage people to try Whole30 at least once.  Just see how you feel with thirty days of eating real, good, nutritious food.

Update... Life

Life has been busy.  Good, full, and busy.


I'm finally off of orientation at my new job.  This has probably been the longest, most thorough orientation I've ever received since I was a new grad!  It was nice to have an "easier" pace of things for awhile, have someone right there to answer questions, and just not feel the pressure of being thrown into a new job with very little training (which is what I'm used to).  I'm still very happy at this job, and although I know I'm in that "honeymoon phase," it's certainly the happiest I've ever been in any job I've had prior to this.


My massage therapist told me the other day that she has noticed a huge change in me since I've had this new job.  She told me she could often see the stress on my face when I would come in, but that it has gone away now.  I definitely can feel it, but it's pretty crazy that my old job was that stressful that it showed on my face even when I wasn't there.  And we all know that stress = BAD for your health!  I'm so happy I made this change.


So obviously work has taken up much of my time lately, as has training.  Thanksgiving week threw me off a bit as I was traveling (got go see Bela-- yay!) and eating more (ok... A LOT more!) junk food than I'm used to.  But I got back into it this week a little better-- and with a body that was well-rested-- albeit fueled by a few extra slices of pie.  I've taken some pressure of myself as far as getting workouts/runs/spin class/swims in 6 days a week.  If I only make it 4-5 days, that's ok.  The shifts I'm working make it difficult to get a workout in every single day between shifts.  And sleep and recovery are important factors in training.


I'm still quite happy with the pace of life these days.  I'm really wishing I could make a trip to Florida sooner rather than later.  Been feeling a little homesick for much of the familiarity that my hometown offers.  I don't know if I'll make it back before the end of next summer, which is sad because at that point it will have almost been two years since the previous visit.  I often feel very disconnected from everything and everyone there.  And this is partially my fault, as I haven't been good with keeping up with people.  Life gets busy and time gets away... I hate that it's like that.  I feel entirely disconnected from my life before travel nursing, in fact.  It makes me sad.  I don't know if that's just the way life is, or if maybe I've caused most of that myself.  The past year and a half have had me dealing with some depression and emotional issues... it's been very easy to become disconnected because of that.  :(  I'm doing much, MUCH better now, of course.  But the consequences of all of that are far-reaching.


So, yes... life has been good.  In two weeks I will be off to celebrate Bela and Tim's wedding, which I am SO excited about!  And as I finished writing that sentence, I realized I leave in only a little over a week!  How time flies!

On Letting Go

Letting go is scary.

There is comfort in holding onto something, even after it is gone.  The past few months for me have felt like I still had my foot in the door, keeping it from closing completely.  Watching through the crack with a small glimmer of hope... but for what?  Shutting that door firmly and not looking back... there's finality and sadness in it.  But that is followed by peace.  Relief.  When you stop looking back, then you can finally look ahead.  See the amazing opportunities that are out there... the doors that are STILL open to you, or waiting for you to open them.

I don't want to spend my life looking back.  Living with what-ifs and could-haves and should-haves.  There is too much life to be lived for that.

And so I have let go.  Finally.

Life and Change

Time continues to fly, and here we are in November already.  The start of the Holidays is just around the corner.  I can't believe it!

I got a little sad today as I drove around town seeing the vibrant fall colors.  The wind is fierce today, and a lot of the leaves are being blown off the trees.  Soon they will all be bare.  Living in Spokane and having four seasons has been really amazing for me.  And I'm learning that, although I love winter, there is something very sad about seeing the leaves falling off of the trees.  Maybe it's symbolic of the change that I am always so resistant to.  Good change or bad change, I struggle with it.

Speaking of change, I recently started a new job!  It is a much less stressful place, and one that is very supportive of nurses and patient safety.  I am taking care of veterans at the VA.  I consider it an honor.  However, it was hard for me to leave my old job.  I had been living with constant stress and losing sleep during those last months there, so it was definitely change that was necessary and good.  I look forward to this new chapter.

Training continues on, and I'm loving it!  I ran ten miles this morning and maybe it was the rain, but I felt amazing!  Usually the longer distances are a real struggle, but my body felt strong and I felt motivated.  I enjoy that feeling when it comes, because it doesn't happen very often.  There are days that running three miles is a struggle (which always blows my mind).  I've been attending spinning classes once or twice a week at my gym.  Saturday mornings are my intense 2-hour ones.  I love it.  

I'm training for the 70.3 but mostly I think I am just training to be a badass.