Ok, first things first.  Phillip Phillips won American Idol!  And well he should have, he is amazing!  I'm beside myself with excitement and can't wait to buy his music.

I worked Tuesday night so here I am, awake.  I slept from about midnight to 1:30 last night, but have been awake since then.  I finally stopped trying to sleep and came into my living room to watch TV.  There's some good TV on this time of day-- right now Home Improvement is on.  Nothing like good old '90s sitcoms.

Now I'm off work for a couple weeks.  This weekend I'm going to visit family up north for my cousin's wedding.  I'm excited!  Mostly excited that I got some time off of work.  I've been enjoying work lately, but it has also been stressful.  Unfortunately, I am coming down with a very sore throat and cough-- which I think I caught from a patient.  Never in three years have I caught anything from a patient, and I'm hoping this isn't too bad.

Have I mentioned that I am going to New York City next month to visit my cousin?  I'm SO EXCITED about this!  I have never been before and have wanted to go for as long as I can remember.  Perhaps first prompted by a long-time favorite movie of mine, Newsies?  Speaking of which, I am also going to be seeing on broadway!

I love traveling.  I'm excited to be doing more of that as the years go by.

It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo.  The ones that really mattered.  Full of darkness and danger, they were.  And sometimes you didn't want to know the end.  Because how could the end be happy?  How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened?  But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.  Even darkness must pass.  A new day will come.  And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
- The Two Towers

Magic Carpet Ride!  I couldn't ride this without singing "A Whole New World"

My mom and brother went off to join some friends, so my dad and I did the mad tea party together.  And I didn't get sick!  Yeah!

Small World... worthy of a good nap

If you go to Disney, you must stay for the Main Street Electrical Parade.  So much fun!

Here we are just after riding Expedition Everest.  So much fun!

My brother's favorite ride, The Primeval Wheel in Animal Kingdom.  Turned out to be a little scarier than we thought but somehow conned my mom into going on.

On the Kiliminjaro Safari

After riding the dinosaur ride.  That ride is a lot scarier than it sounds!

Disney was a LOT of fun!!  Although I'm a Disney veteran, I have never done two days of it in a row.  It was exhausting.  Seriously, how do people do four days of it?  No thank you.  One or two is enough for me.

Went back to work this week, turned out to be a challenging few nights but good.  Last night I left work feeling like I really made a difference.  One of my patients was going downhill... but the doctor wouldn't believe me.  That is really hard.  It wasn't worthy of a support team but that would have been my next step if I hadn't finally convinced the doctor that this patient had to be in critical care.  Of course, I'm a competent nurse but I work on a med-surg telemetry floor.  When I have 4-6 patients, I can't take care of a critically ill patient on top of all that.  I felt like a real patient advocate.  Woot woot!  Doing the job I'm supposed to on nurses week (and all the other weeks too)!

Recently I've been working on learning to love myself.  Flaws and all.

I don't know if guys struggle with this concept, or if it is just a complete non-issue for them... but I think that most women can find more than one thing that they hate about themselves.  For me, the constant battle has been with my personality and my body image.  Never quite as thin as I'd like to be... not as pretty as the next girl... in fact, not even pretty at all... and why the hell wasn't I given a more effervescent personality?  You know how there's always that girl who isn't pretty or thin, but oh, she just has such a beautiful personality?  Yeah.  Still not me.

It occurred to me recently what a boring world this would be if we all fit the cookie-cutter mold of what we think beautiful is.  Whether it is the world's perspective, or even the perfect-Christian-girl perspective (because I can think of no place else that expects such perfection out of women-- even if it isn't overtly taught).  What if we all had the same personalities?  The same hair, the same bodies?  Even if these things didn't all look exactly alike, it would still be a pretty weird place.

It isn't to say that we shouldn't take care of ourselves.  But let's face it.  Some women have issues with their body image (or health) that affects their bodies in ways they can't help.  Some starve themselves.  Others make themselves throw up.  Still, others can't control what they eat all the time.  Sometimes there are underlying health problems that you don't know about, and she can't help that her body doesn't allow her to lose (or gain) weight.  It is cruel to say these women have no will power.  That they simply don't take care of themselves.  But that is the general consensus: if she is overweight, then she is lazy.

I worked with a lady from a west Africa, and once when I was mentioning about my weight and how I wished I were thinner, she said to me, "In my country your body is desirable!"  Well then perhaps I am living in the wrong country... but you know what?  I have the body that I want.  Because I am healthy.  I am capable of running and walking.  I am free of ailments.  I can wake up each day and work long hours and make money.  So what if I don't look like a model?  Looks can only carry you so far.  I have a job that I went to school for, obtained on my merits, and continue to work damn hard at.  I'm not saying those are the most important things in life.  But if anyone were to judge me, then judge me by my accomplishments and not just the looks God did or didn't give to me!

I am well aware that yes, some women are more beautiful than others.  I'm not against beauty pageants and modeling and all that... but I think representation for women of all types would be nice.  (like opening up a catalog being able to simply say "I love that outfit!" instead of "Cute outfit but it wouldn't look that good on me..." I'm just saying!)

And I'll end by saying that I am learning to be happy with how I am.  Accepting of it.  Changing the things that I can, and accepting and loving the things I can't.

Rant over.  :)

The Beach... through the eyes of instagram

I went to the beach with my sister today.  I instagramed some pictures I took so that you would think my life is really glamorous and cute.  I do like instagram, people, but I do think that some over-use it.  Anyway, back to the pictures.

 Did it work? Dang it, my life is still pretty boring, but... the beach was a lot of fun.  You know your Florida natives over the vacationers, because we Floridians go to the beach and just lay there.  We stay an hour, maybe two, and we're done.  We'll come back next week if we feel like it, not gonna sit out there and sweat for six hours!  We never get in the water, splash in the waves.  Now I'm not saying we shouldn't.  I think the last time I did was last July 4, and that had been the first time in years that I could remember playing in the waves.  The sun was not too hot today, and the humidity low.  Ah, summer in Florida!  It is almost here!

There really is nothing better than a relaxing afternoon at the beach.  Digging your toes in the sand, feeling your skin tingle under the heat of the sun, the smell of sunscreen and salt water.  I need to do it more.  After a shower I feel more relaxed right now than I have in a long time.

Back to the grind tomorrow, but I'm ok with it.  I'm going to Disney on Friday and Saturday with my parents and brother.  It'll be a fun little dynamic with the four of us (coming from a family of 7, that doesn't happen often) and I'm looking forward to just having fun like a kid.

May your days be warm and sunny :)

It's kind of funny that yesterday morning I posted on this subject, because later on that day I found this pin on pinterest, and it sparked such an interesting conversation.  This pin basically says that God owes you for giving yourself to Him.  And what does he owe you, none other than a man!!  (Is this stuff preached to men in the church about women?  I'm really curious to know, since I don't have that perspective)  And not just a man, but a man with all the qualities that you have dreamed and prayed for since you were a little girl.

And so here's the truth.  We have idolized the idea of marriage, the perfect man, the perfect life.  Perhaps nobody wants to burst the bubble of a hopeful teenage girl, and can you blame them?  We were so full of life at that age, so full of potential.  Perhaps our parents believed they could mold us into the perfect women, who would lead near-perfect lives and stay within that mold.  Maybe our parents, or pastors or youth leaders desired to help us avoid their own pitfalls and be "better" than that.  At that age, many of us were yet untouched by the coarseness, the hardships of the world.  Wide-eyed and eager, we as impressionable youth absorbed every last bit of what was taught us-- whether it was by words or action.

In my own experience I am left floundering as I try to navigate the world as an adult.  No, it isn't what I thought it would be.  As my mind and my heart grasp for the love I desire, I'm left with the realization that there is only one thing that can fill that.  It isn't a man, it isn't independence, or possessions, security, or even happiness (believe me, as far as the independence, possessions, and security bit go, I know).  There is a promise in the Bible that God's grace is sufficient for me.  That His power is made perfect in weakness.  Coming from a really weak person, I pray for God's sufficient grace, for His perfect power.

Many years ago, God began a good work in me.  And that promise, that promise that He will be FAITHFUL to complete it is truth. The fulfillment of which may be here on earth or in heaven, I don't know.

I might not ever get married.

There's this scene in Kate and Leopold where on a date, Kate shares with Leopold "I'm not very good with men."  His response, "Perhaps you haven't found the right one."  Leopold, of course, is the right one and it all ends happily ever after.  But I think of that, what a thoughtful and truthful reply on his part.

When it comes to men and dating, I fail miserably and can never seem to hit it off with a guy.  And the response I get is so much along the lines of "What is wrong with you?!"  "Why don't you date more?!"  Etc, etc, etc.  A lot of the comments made, often in love, are hurtful and discouraging.  It is always pointed back at me, as if I'm the problem.  And maybe I am.

So often as a young girl, especially in high school and college, I watched chick flicks, read Christian fiction (the worst!) and believed that all of that would fall into place, just like it did for the girls in the stories.  Often it was a quirky, cute, skinny girl (who almost always is portrayed as eating all she wants and being tomboyish yet girly at the same time), meets a confident (albeit a little arrogant- often similar to Mr. Darcy), tall and handsome man by chance.  Cue the unbelievably witty, flirty banter (never awkward, right?) and the rest is history.

What a load of crap, yet we eat it right up!  There's nothing real about it at all.  That kind of crap has set so many women up for failure in relationships.  For a quiet, introverted teen those stories were dangerous, because it created a world for me that didn't exist.

I've come to the conclusion that I might be single for the rest of my life, because I fail so miserably in this arena.  I'm not afraid to admit how badly I want to get married, but the realization that it might not happen is something I have to face.  I'm convinced that if the time is right, God will bring the right one into my life.  I don't believe He is holding out on me at all.  It gets harder and harder all the time when I see one friend after another getting married, then one friend after another starting a family.  I see a pregnant woman and wonder if that will ever be me.  It isn't to say that is a wonderful and perfect life, because life is hard no matter what the circumstances are.


Well, I'm not usually so vulnerable on my blog, but there you have it-- a little piece of my heart.  Just some things that were on my mind today, and felt like getting them out there.

I'm just chilling on this lazy Sunday afternoon.  I have a yummy-smelling rice pudding baking in the oven (head on over to Lindsey's blog to see where I got the awesome recipe that belonged to her great-grandmother-- I take no credit whatsoever for it) and I'm just dying to get to taste it.  AMC has a Brad Pitt marathon, and currently Legends of the Fall is on which I have never seen.  I forgot that Brad Pitt actually was once really good looking.  I always thought he was (mostly remember him from Troy) but the last few years certainly haven't been good to him.  Maybe being the father to sixteen kids has something to do with it.

Anyway, I digress.  I just took the rice pudding out of the oven a little early and it looks delicious!  I think my oven is one of those convection ovens, which seem to bake things a lot quicker than normal ones.  I'm DYING to eat it!

Well, it's back to the grind tomorrow for another three nights of work.  But this month I am working three one, four off every single week!  I'm SO excited, even though I don't like three in a rows.  I love having four off.  And it feels like there might just be a little more routine back in my life.

I have a dream...

Sometimes.... this is true for me too.

You probably have noticed that I've been posting a lot of pictures lately.  Well, the reason for that is I am working on looking for the good, funny, special, or even odd moments of each day and capturing them.  I don't post a lot of them on here, but am trying to go for the highlights.

It really encourages me to actively look for the good in each day, because so often I am prone to only look for the negative.  I think that most people are.  This is my sister and I yesterday, before enjoying a yummy lunch at PF Chang.  Which was even more delicious than I remembered.  I got the honey crispy chicken (I think that's what it was called) and it was soooo good!  Plus, I think I need to incorporate brown rice into my diet.  It is good and filling, as well as good for you!

Also, I am changing up my hairstyle.  Not cutting it, but realized how much I have limited myself because I style it the same exact way all the time.  I haven't put an ounce of product in it for several days (minus conditioner-- but that is a definite must) and have been pleasantly surprised with how much healthier and shinier it is compared to several years ago when I used to straighten and blow dry it all the time.  I haven't used a blow drier in six months, or a hair straightener in six years.  I may look into buying a ceramic curling iron, and styling curls just a little differently than usual.  We'll see.  Also, don't use the above photo as a basis for how I am doing my hair now, as I was lazy and pulled it back in a bun.

And may I suggest one of the best pick-me-ups, watch some re-runs of Whose Line is it Anyway?  Sure to make you laugh!

One of the best perfumes... Now I smell like T Swift.  Can I please be just like her now?

I like to think that is a mockingjay also.

So, you remember I talked about how I've been getting a lot of headaches.  Unfortunately it hasn't really stopped, and last night was no exception.  It hounded me until after 3am.  My attempt to get rid of it, which actually worked for almost an hour, was a bath, candle, and green tea.  Honestly, if you ever have a headache, try just laying down in the bathwater for 20 minutes.  It was strangely miraculous, even if it didn't last long.

Today was a pretty good day, minus sleeping in late (even after working night shift, I hate sleeping in even though I do it all the time!).  I bought a couch-- hooray!  I'm really excited about it.  Nothing fancy, but it's the biggest piece of furniture I've ever bought.  I'll have to post pictures of my apartment once it's here-- so now it will actually look like an adult's apartment rather than some college kid's.

I hung out with my friend Melissa last night, and was really impressed with the decorating that she's done.  Most people I know who live alone (or even with roommates) just sort of put up picture here and there, but she's really made her apartment a warm and inviting environment.  Something mine really lacks right now.  I realized a lot of what has held me back is this hope that this is a temporary situation, me being "on my own."  Like, don't get too comfortable.  That's silly, because I should be able to enjoy the place I'm living and make it my own instead of holding myself back because of the what-if's and maybe's.  I'm not super creative, but I think with a little help from my friend Lauren and Pinterest, I just might actually accomplish something with my little hole in the wall apartment.

And so I am making a goal and posting it where I can't pretend I didn't say it.  I'm going to make a real effort to decorate and make my apartment a warm environment.  There!

Ah, making goals... I feel so motivated.  But I have to do it and not just say it!

Feed the Birds

I've never been a really big animal person.  I mean, I always loved the pets I had, as well as my cat now, and I've always been ok with the general existence of animals, but don't usually care that much about other animals.  However, last week I noticed for the first time, a mother duck with eight ducklings.  The cutest thing I've ever seen!  I've been watching them swim for a few days in the pond outside my front door, and started throwing some bread crumbs to them occasionally.  Yesterday, I was feeding them.  Not even tossing bread crumbs into the water, just the ground, when suddenly out emerges a turtle.  I don't know how much experience you have with turtles, but those things freak out when humans get close to them.  Then another turtle, and another... five of them!  It kinda freaked me out, and then I saw a huge snapping turtle swimming uncomfortably close to the edge and decided not to get too friendly with the turtles (I should tell the story about a snapping turtle biting my toe once).

But today I was feeding them again, and the same thing happened so I took a picture of it.  First I felt like the little old bird woman from Mary Poppins.  Then it got freakishly like Dr. Doolittle.  The ducks are all pretty friendly with me now, and though I would never touch them for fear of catching diseases, it is kinda fun.  They're like my little friends.  I came out of my front door tonight to go hang out with a friend, and the mother duck walked with her ducklings all the way around the pond to get closer to me.  Probably not a habit I should form, feeding animals outside my apartment.  One day I'll open my door and they'll all be waiting on the patio.

But it really is neat how much life is out there, and I don't even think about it.  Nature is so cool, even if it is in a man-made retention pond.