Sometimes His voice comes calling
Like rolling thunder, like driving rain.
Sometimes His voice is quiet and we start to wonder
if He knows our pain.
He who spoke peace to the water
Cares more for our hearts than the waves.
And the voice that once said, "You're forgiven"
Still says, "You're forgiven today."

Good old Steven Curtis Chapman! This has spoken to me today. Today I have immersed myself in truth. I cannot always see it, and when that happens, I have to preach it to myself even when I can't believe it. I need to do that every day, all the time, not just when I think I need it. Because I always need it. I get to this point because I refuse to preach the Gospel to myself daily.

I am reading and praying through Psalms today. Thank you Jesus for giving me your Word.

Been feeling beaten down in every aspect of my life lately. I have a hard time realizing that I will never be enough. You know what I figured out recently? I will never love Jesus enough. I will never be perfect enough. I will never even be good enough, or just enough in general. I think I have always expected to find myself having reached some level of holiness, only to find that I never will. Simply put, Jesus is enough and that is enough.

It is WINDY outside tonight! Very eery. I don't like it.

Has anyone else seen the previews for Epic Mickey on Wii? Looks awesome! I am going to have to get one and see for myself.

I still have my Christmas shopping to do. Is it Christmas? I think I forgot to change my calendar or something and it's still November. I have never had any problem getting into the Christmas spirit. This year I don't even want to. It isn't bitterness or stress, I am just sad and weary. Life is changing... and I don't think I like it. I don't find joy in anything right now. When I'm with people, outwardly I smile, but on the inside I feel empty and dry. Ick. I don't like it.

Work is still not good. I feel like I make no difference whatsoever at that place. I need prayer when I walk through those doors. 0700 and it is nonstop until 1900 or even later. I can't do it. Emotionally I feel as though I can't handle it. People are hurting, lonely, sick.... and I cannot be all of those things to them. Not to six people. I don't know why I chose to do this. I am bringing the stress home with me, I can't turn my mind off after I get home. I think about what I did and didn't do. Seriously, all I ever wanted to be was a stay-at-home mom... not this! I can't do this for the rest of my life.

Shake it off Nat. I am tired. I think tonight, I am going to put on a movie and go to bed. Good night.

There has been a strange peace in the last couple of days. Although my emotions are still running high, God has been giving me a peace in my heart.

My grandmother fell two nights ago and broke her femur. She is scheduled to have surgery, and the doctor thinks that her recovery will not be too bad. I feel terribly for her though. I spoke with her this morning and she is such a strong woman. We are praying her recovery will be fast. I believe it will.

Work.... is terrible lately. I had to call out today, because I was at work until 9 last night and woke up with a headache and knew that I would NOT be able to make it today and not have something bad happen. Why? Well, I was barely a good nurse yesterday. Take a medication error (don't want to talk about it except that my patient was ok, but I felt like a terrible nurse and still do), a DNR patient that is going down and I can't call in support team but still have to intervene, calling doctor after doctor, because DNR means do-not-rescuscitate (not do-not-treat), another very sick patient, a needy patient, a demanding patient, and one very sweet patient who was so patient with me.... yes, it was a day. On top of all that, there is so much on my mind outside of work.

I feel completely incapable of this job. Like, I don't know how long I can do this. Don't know if I have mentioned it yet, but I am switching to nights in January. We will see how that goes. I am trying to get away from completely overwhelming, want-to-shoot-myself kind of stress (not really, but you know what I mean!). My hair will be gray by 30 at this rate. Please, if you are ever hospitalized, or your family is, have mercy on your nurse. You don't always know what is going on behind the scenes. I'm not saying that there aren't nurses who are lazy or don't care, but 95% of the time if your nurse does not come the instant the call light is hit, he or she is probably taking care of another patient who is very, very sick-- in the same way you would want him or her to take care of your mother or father in that situation. A nurse can only be in one place at one time. Yet the expectations of Super Man are put on us. Save lives, while satisfying all of your other patients' nit-picky needs like fresh water in a pitcher or meds being given at precisely 0900 (do they realize that all 6 of my patients' meds are due at 0900???). I know I signed up for this job, and don't want anyone pitying me for it, but sometimes the stress is really too much.

Well, that was quite a rant. I am thankful for a job, it is really hard but I know that there are people who would love to have a job like mine, even with its stress. I need to be more thankful. I just need an outlet, I suppose.

Well, on to the week. Things I am thankful for today: My boss gave me a couple of bereavement days to be able to go to my grandpa's memorial service. I am SO thankful for that right now. And my amazing family. I would be where I am or who I am today without any of them.

Grandpa

Grief is a weird thing. I know it sounds odd, but I kind of feel like the last few days I've been living outside of myself. People coming and hugging me and my family, telling us how sorry they are... it all just seems surreal. I still feel like when we go up in a couple of weeks, Grandpa will still be sitting in the den, waiting for us to come give him a hug. It still doesn't seem real, but there is still a sadness in my heart all the time. Life goes on, and of course it must because that's what Grandpa would want.

And I suppose people might be thinking, ok it's your grandpa. Grandparents pass away, it happens. But my grandpa was special because he had real relationships with each one of his grandchildren- he knew us and we knew him. He was not just a grandpa who bought us presents at Christmas and birthdays. In fact, he didn't spoil us with lots of things, instead he spoiled us with love. All of us are devastated by his passing. It is going to take awhile for me to get beyond this grief, and I don't think any one of us will ever forget him and the legacy he left us. A legacy of love, generosity, faith, family, and I could go on. He spent 64 years of his life married to my grandma. What a legacy that is right there. God has put a special blessing on my grandpa, and I feel blessed that I can be apart of that blessing. I hope I can be half of the person that Grandpa was.

It is just really hard to accept. I think I'm still in the acceptance phase of it all, because I still don't think I believe Grandpa is gone from this world. Living far away probably contributes to that, because I wasn't there to see his health decline. However, this past summer when I saw him, I was devastated by how much he had aged and felt that our time left with him was short. I didn't realize just how short it was going to be, of course.

We are still going up for Christmas. I think Grandpa would like that, knowing we are still going to celebrate and be a family without him here. Because he worked to build a family who loved each other. It will honor his memory that our family will continue to stick together over the years. That we are friends with our cousins, that we know and love our aunts and uncles. Grandpa loved nothing in this world above his family. How could I be so blessed to call him Grandpa? I wish I had realized what a blessing it was while he was alive, but I will go on to tell my children and grandchildren about him. He has taught me many lessons in life.

Grandpa

There are no words to express the grief that is in my heart today as I write this. My dear PawPaw Bear passed away last night around 8 pm Central Time.

I spent yesterday with my parents and 2 of my siblings, talking, crying, laughing over all the memories of Grandpa. Although he was not awake yesterday, I was able to say a few words to him on the phone. I am so thankful. I don't know if he heard or not, but I know that he knows how much I love him. After I went home last night for a few hours, my mom called at 9:05 to tell me Grandpa had just passed away. I immediately came home so I wouldn't be alone. And there was such a quiet as I walked into my parents' house in the dark, with the leaves rustling in the wind, the Christmas lights still shining, even though my heart did not feel like shining.

Grandpa, I sure will miss you. I found a note that Grandpa left for me in 1997 when they left our house for theirs in Illinois: "Goodbye for awhile. Don't take any wooden nickels. You are still my sweetie from Tahiti, tweety tweety. Love, Paw Paw." Grandpa knew how much it always broke my heart to say goodbye to him and Grandma. And even though that goodbye was only for a few months many years ago, it has special significance for me today. It is goodbye for only awhile, for sure. Grandpa, I know I will see you again. I wish I could have seen you one last time, hugged you one last time.

He was a great, GREAT man. One of the best for sure. He has done so much in his life. He loved above and beyond. My heart aches for the emptiness that is left behind. However, I feel a strange sense of relief that I didn't know would be there when he died. Grandpa does not feel pain anymore. Thank you, JESUS! He did not suffer for very long at all. Grandpa lived 93 years of relatively good health. That is the blessing in it all. He never had to move out of the home that he loved.

Grandpa, I miss you and love you so much. Goodbye for awhile.

Grandpa

My dear, dear Grandpa is sick. We are going to lose him soon. It is devastating. He is 93 years old, has lived a long and full life, but I sure will miss him. I am so thankful I was able to see him this past summer when we went to Illinois. Together, even if only for a short time. I have cried and cried and I know I will still cry more.

Grandpa knows Jesus. Grandpa is a successful man, because he lived for Jesus Christ first and foremost. He lived through the Depression as a young man. He put himself through school, finally getting his Ed.D. He was a good husband and father and raised three boys who went on to become good husbands, fathers, and now grandfathers. He is a wonderful grandpa to all of his grandchildren. Grandpa loved a good corny joke. He called me his sweetie from Tahiti, and I always thought it was so silly, and now I wish I could hear him call me that one more time. I wish I could hug him right now. He is such a good man and I will miss him so, so much. My heart hurts.

There is sweetness in this bitterness, and it is that I know I will see him again. In heaven, happy and whole again with Jesus. Christmas is sad this year, but the truth of Christ still shines brightly through it all. I am still redeemed, and so is my grandpa and so I know we will be re-united someday. It is goodbye, but only for awhile.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!"
-Revelation 21: 4-51

Can't wait.

still be my vision...

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,
Nought be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true Word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, LORD
Thou my great Father, I Thy true daughter
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty gain
Thou mine inheritance, now and always
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won!
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Son
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

I'm not a fan of posting lyrics to music, but today, this is in my heart. I will be able to write more later. For now, Jesus please give me strength.

About a year ago, this is where I found myself. In a lot of ways, I feel like I have made zero progress-- if not gone backwards. I still find myself feeling like I'm swinging on the end of a pendulum, waiting for life to happen, feeling as though it is happening all around me and I'm not really taking any part of it. There is so much I could be doing with my life, and I sit on my hands and do nothing. I could be helping others, but I live internally, pleasing only myself. I could be serving, but instead I am only self-serving. I could be loving, yet instead I am living in a state of self-love.

My life-- no matter where I am-- should be to serve God. I have justified my state of selfishness for a long time. I'm young, I don't have a family of my own to worry about, I have to look out for me right now, etc...

I'm on a quest to get out of this terrible mind-set I am living in. I don't really know where to go, other than to ask God what He wants for me to do. I'm afraid to do that, of course, because I'm afraid He will ask of me what I don't want to give up.

I am looking for direction, but I'm afraid of what that direction is.

According to Nat: Washington, DC: The Seventh Day

Inside the Library of Congress.

Security was really high around the Capitol.
That night when we watched the news, we found out why.

We were too tired to do much touring anymore,
So we spent awhile at Starbucks.

We finished the evening back in Fairfax at Five Guys.

We were so tired on the last day. I didn't post pictures of it, but we decided to start out earlier than usual and eat our last breakfast at the Market Lunch in Eastern Market. It was delicious! I hadn't gotten a chance to try their pancakes when we went on Saturday, and they were definitely the best I'd ever had. When we got into DC, we didn't really do much besides walk around. We walked around the Library of Congress for awhile, which was one of the most beautiful buildings I've ever seen. Then we went to the National Archives again, since the first day we'd gone and only had 30 minutes before closing. We got to see the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. Wish we could have taken pictures, but oh well. All I could think of the whole time was National Treasure. Way to cherish those historical documents!

We were so tired, and finally hopped out early back to Fairfax. I was sad to say good bye to DC, although I was also kind of glad the trip was over. It was certainly one of the most wonderful weeks, but so tiring. We never got a chance to rest while we were there. My feet hurt, I was tired, and needed sleep. We ate at Five Guys, went back to the hotel, and woke up at 5 am so we could make it to Baltimore for our 10 am flight.

And now you know what we did in DC. I finally finished documenting it, even if it took me almost a month! I still at times find myself thinking about our trip, some of my favorite parts of it such as our time at Arlington Cemetery, or just traipsing around the District not knowing where we were going, and it makes me happy. They were good times. With all the stress in life, it is nice to know that at some point you can get a break from it all, away from home and responsibilities. Travel, see new places.

Thanksgiving break is about over for me, and it's back to work in the morning! I got five days off, so I can't complain. It was lazy and tiring, so I'm ready for a little routine back in life again. Now it's time to look forward to Christmas. Some things I'm looking to do: see the Rockettes, go to ICE! at Gaylord Palms in Orlando, maybe a trip to Disney, and see the Jacksonville Symphony. Just need to find someone to go with.

Happy Christmas Season!

Washington, DC: The Seventh Day

Inside the Library of Congress.

Security was really high around the Capitol.
That night when we watched the news, we found out why.

We were too tired to do much touring anymore,
So we spent awhile at Starbucks.

We finished the evening back in Fairfax at Five Guys.

We were so tired on the last day. I didn't post pictures of it, but we decided to start out earlier than usual and eat our last breakfast at the Market Lunch in Eastern Market. It was delicious! I hadn't gotten a chance to try their pancakes when we went on Saturday, and they were definitely the best I'd ever had. When we got into DC, we didn't really do much besides walk around. We walked around the Library of Congress for awhile, which was one of the most beautiful buildings I've ever seen. Then we went to the National Archives again, since the first day we'd gone and only had 30 minutes before closing. We got to see the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. Wish we could have taken pictures, but oh well. All I could think of the whole time was National Treasure. Way to cherish those historical documents!

We were so tired, and finally hopped out early back to Fairfax. I was sad to say good bye to DC, although I was also kind of glad the trip was over. It was certainly one of the most wonderful weeks, but so tiring. We never got a chance to rest while we were there. My feet hurt, I was tired, and needed sleep. We ate at Five Guys, went back to the hotel, and woke up at 5 am so we could make it to Baltimore for our 10 am flight.

And now you know what we did in DC. I finally finished documenting it, even if it took me almost a month! I still at times find myself thinking about our trip, some of my favorite parts of it such as our time at Arlington Cemetery, or just traipsing around the District not knowing where we were going, and it makes me happy. They were good times. With all the stress in life, it is nice to know that at some point you can get a break from it all, away from home and responsibilities. Travel, see new places.

Thanksgiving break is about over for me, and it's back to work in the morning! I got five days off, so I can't complain. It was lazy and tiring, so I'm ready for a little routine back in life again. Now it's time to look forward to Christmas. Some things I'm looking to do: see the Rockettes, go to ICE! at Gaylord Palms in Orlando, maybe a trip to Disney, and see the Jacksonville Symphony. Just need to find someone to go with.

Happy Christmas Season!

Washington, DC: The Sixth Day

At the art museum.
This is the room where Abraham Lincoln had his 2nd inaugural ball.

We got to see Elvis at 21

Went to Fro Yo

You can't tell, but that is me in front of the Navy Memorial

Picture with the National Archives in the background.
Because it was one of our favorite places!