Completely

"For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us.  Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us.  But we can still love them- we can love completely without complete understanding." -Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through it

I watched this movie early this morning during another bout of insomnia.  I was struck by its message, its poignance, its truth.  The movie ended quite abruptly... no loose ends tied, and the message in the end was essentially the above quote.

What's funny, is the above quote is something I have already learned as I've become an adult.  I feel at times that I don't know how to love my family.  I know I don't do it well... I don't know what part of myself to give.  I feel at times what I have to give is never enough.  Not that it's not wanted, but that it's the wrong expression of love.  I'm not exactly the most emotionally expressive person... and the way I show my love never seems like it's right.  And I just feel sorry I can't be better at it.

I've carved out my own place in this world, and while at times I've found there are things I disagree with among my family members (I am not singling out any one of them-- and I'm quite certain that all of my adult siblings would have the same to say), there are differing philosophies, there are hurts, there are periods of silence... yet I can still love completely.  In my own way.  But I know I don't do this well.

I don't want this post to be misinterpreted as any more than exactly what I am saying.  First of all, I respect my family and their privacy.  Though I will always be honest where family is involved, I don't wish to say hurtful things either.  So please don't read any further into this than what has been said.

I just was struck by that message this morning--so much so it brought tears to my eyes-- and when I woke up from my pre-work nap this afternoon it was still with me.  I am asking myself, "How do I love completely?"  And right now, there's no answer.  And maybe it's something I need to figure out... maybe that's what life is about.

Maybe I'll get to the end of my life and finally be able to say-- I loved, and I loved well.

Thankful

Thankful.

I should be this way all year round... yet somehow life, worries, stress... those things seem to cloud out all of my blessings.

It's easy to focus on the negative.  It's easy to lose sight of just how blessed and fortunate I am.  To focus on the have-nots instead of the haves.

I have a family who loves me.  I have friends I can count on.  I have a body that is strong and healthy.  I have a job that pays the bills and allows me to also have small luxuries in life.  I have more than enough to eat.  Compared to the majority of the world, I am rich.

And although this year the holidays are proving to be lonely, I still have so much to be thankful for.  And I'm going to focus on those things as best I can.  Sadly, we only seem to take time out during the month of November to really focus on what we have to be grateful for.  And even then... we are immediately weighed down by materialism and commercialism.

I begin this holiday season with a sense of hope, a sense of excitement for what is to come.  With the same sense of adventure I had this time a year ago... but a bit more settled in life, with a better sense of who I am.

I think most of all today I'm thankful for the opportunity to experience the past thirteen months.  To have traveled and lived in a new part of the country.  To see new places, new cities, new cultures, and meet all different kinds of people.  It occurred to me recently how lonely at times this life can be, when you take yourself away from all that is familiar.  The warmth of family and friends who have known you for your entire life.  But I still wouldn't trade this for the growth I have experienced this past year.  I feel I have grown more into who I am... and I know I'm not done yet.

Someday I hope to have that familiar warmth in my life again.  I hope to be able to have the chance for a family of my own... not a life that is perfect, no...but a life that is good and well-lived.  I'm happy for where my life is now, but I feel I am on the launching pad for the next phase...ready for what it brings.  I'm going to enjoy today for what it is... love those who are in my life right now, be grateful for where I am.

Life keeps on keeping on here.  Other than working, and occasionally hanging out with friends, I haven't really had too much of a life since the move out here.  I'm ok with the pace of things at the moment, especially after the last year of almost-nonstop travel, sightseeing, moving, etc.  It is nice to have a settledness about life.  There hasn't been that in quite some time for me, as I've previously mentioned.  Even back home in Florida, I always felt I was supposed to be somewhere else.

Though I feel settled, there's also much that feels up in the air right now.  It's odd how things can be so secure yet so insecure at the same time.  I guess that's how life is.  We think we have a plan, we think we know how things are going to turn out, but it's always waiting to shake things up a bit.  At least it's never boring that way.

It's been fun living in a new part of the country, experiencing the seasons.  Yesterday morning we had our first snow.  Now, I've seen snow many times before.  But that "first snow" of the season, well it's kind of magical.  It started around 5:30 yesterday morning while we were at work.  And our co-workers thought it was hilarious that we could be so excited over something like the first snow, but I think it's going to be something that never ceases to excite me!  Of course I know by March I'm going to be more than ready for warm weather.  I like changing seasons... THAT'S why I chose to move to a place that has all four!

In other news, my foot seems to have finally healed up.  An almost four month ordeal.  I never did get it x-rayed but I'm certain it was broken... or very badly sprained, by how long it has taken to heal.  Forcing myself to rest and not push it with exercise has been a challenge.  In fact, I did get back out there for a bit and paid for it.  So now that I'm sufficiently out of shape and all rested up, I'm looking forward to getting back out there a little more slowly.  Unfortunately, doing it while the weather is freezing up is going to be extra fun.  Good thing I enjoy being out in it!  (No really)

And holy cow, did I forget to mention I got a kitten?!  His name is Mister Allen.  A sweet, fluffy grey tabby kitty.  I've had many people comment that he looks like a Maine Coon, and after a lot of research I think they are right.  Or at least he is a mix.  But one of the oddest cats I've ever had, quite honestly.  The other day I dropped a piece of apple on the ground, and he started eating it.  In fact he wants to eat pretty much everything he can get his paws on.  He drinks tons and tons of water (a characteristic of Maine Coons, I have found out).  And just his personality is so different from any other cat I've had.  Plus-- he's huge!  He's already almost doubled in size since I got him three weeks ago.

So otherwise, there's not really much else to report here.

Grandpa

Veteran's Day is tomorrow, and I can never help but remember my very favorite veteran-- my Grandpa.  Grandpa served overseas during World War II, as many of his generation did.  I've always found one thing very interesting as I've gotten older, and that is that he didn't talk much about the war throughout my childhood.

I learned most of what I know about his experiences through his memoirs, journals, and his letters back home to my Grandma while they were dating.  Like many from that time, they fell in love over the distance.  And I've always believed that their love and appreciation for each other through the years was stronger because of that time.

One of the things that stands out most about Grandpa during that time in the war.  He didn't think much about marriage and family until he was over there.  I remember reading that he knew when he got back from the war, he wanted that life and he wanted it with my grandma.  He loved, valued, and cherished family above all else, and I think he did because he had lived through very uncertain and dangerous times overseas.  Another thing I learned is that before the war my grandpa had lived his entire life thinking he was dumb.  He had struggled to learn as a child, but before going overseas he was tested and when he learned that his IQ was above average, he decided he was going to get as much education when he got home as he could.  And he did.  And he went on to do many great things because of that education, and passed down that importance to his kids and grandkids.

Grandpa was well-known and well-respected in his local community.  He accomplished many things, but I only knew him as Grandpa.  And in the latter years of his life, his journals don't reflect that of his great accomplishments, his career, or his money.  He definitely counted all of that as blessing, but over and over again he reiterated that faith and family were all that mattered.  He considered his three sons, daughters-in-law, and thirteen grandkids to be his greatest blessing above all.  And never once in my 23 years of knowing him did I doubt just how special and important I was to him.  And I can guarantee that no one else in our family doubted it either.

I really miss him.  There are days I still wish I could get a hug from him, or a word of advice, or just hear him say "I love you" one more time and be able to say it back.  But it's days like this that I am thankful for, to be able to take the time to remember a great man.

I think of that passage in the Bible from Ecclesiastes 3.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..."

It has been ringing in my mind for some time now.  A time to weep and a time to laugh... and as I think of how the past couple of months have gone... how lonely I have felt, how life hasn't quite turned out as I planned.  And it's ok, really it is.  I'm ok.  I don't want to convey that I'm this depressed, miserable mess of a person right now, though I am a little.  I'm definitely the loneliest I've been in a very long time, but I'm ok.  Actually, I'm not entirely ok.  But I know that feeling this way won't last forever, and therefore I know I'll be ok.

And so right now is my time to be alone.  Not cut off from the world, no... but it is one of those times I feel I am going it alone.  Sadness is a lonely thing when no one else can share it with you.  A broken heart is different from other kinds of sad because no one else can feel it with you.  They can sympathize, they can cry with you, let you lay your head on their lap while you cry your eyes out.  But they can't feel what you feel.  They can't feel the aching heaviness that weighs on your heart... and when you're awake in the wee hours of the morning and sleep won't come and all you can do is think through every little thing you could have done differently... well, you're just alone.

I know I'm being incredibly vague here, and possibly melodramatic too... but when you're sad, well there's just no rational logic to it.  And it's ok to feel the way I feel right now.  I was raised to suppress my feelings in order to not burden others, and I will no longer do that.  Writing about it is therapeutic, for sure.

Like I said, I'll be ok.  Life is still very good.  It is still promising.  And right now, I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know where life will take me in the next year.  And there's a sort of excitement buried beneath all of my other feelings right now, because there's still so much promise.

And I have today, and it is good.  Today is good.  The leaves are still vibrantly and beautifully orange and red and yellow, though most of them are now on the ground.  But the last of them hang on the barren branches for dear life before winter will come and blow the rest of them away.  It's beautiful.  And the holidays, though the prospect of them is lonely, are just around the corner.  And I'm ready to take in each day for what it is.

Enough

As I reflect on my life the past year and a half... but most especially the past year...

I see so much growth.  Life has thrown me so many curveballs in that time.  It has been good... hard at times, but mostly good.  I saw a quote the other day that read along these lines, "Something will grow out of this difficult time.  It's you."  And it's true.  So true.

There are many cliches that you could throw at me right now, but the truth is I feel as though I've been punched in the stomach and I won't be recovering anytime soon.  I know that in life I'm where I'm supposed to be... but life hasn't (and most certainly never will) happened as I planned.  You dream and fantasize about things to be as you wish them to be... but at the end of the day you have to face reality.

One thing I know.  I don't depend on others.  Certainly I need relationships and friendships and emotional connections in my life.  God knows that's one thing I've learned.  But I have had an amazing life so far.  Been places I once only dreamed of going.  Accomplished many things, been blessed with the ability to have a good job and to be good at it.  I was recently told that I'm not aggressive enough in life, but as I ponder over the past few years, I see no evidence of that.  My life is where it is because of decisions I have made and actions I have taken to get here.  I've been the places I've been, done the things I've done because of hard work.  While to many it seems as though I spend most of my time traveling and eating out and having fun, honestly it's 80% working my ass off and being completely exhausted.

But in the past few years, I have built a wonderful life for myself.  I've been happier than I ever was before.  I rose out of a difficult time, one that I'm finally able to admit to myself was a good few years of depression (though I didn't know it at the time), got my health under control, began to face issues I have, and took huge leaps in both my personal and professional life.  It's been scary at times, but so worth it.

And I don't really know what I'm trying to get across here.  Just that today, who I am is enough.  Today is hard, but it will get better.  Maybe not tomorrow.  Or next week, or even in a month.  But just like before, I'll wake up one day and find myself on the other side of this.  I have to believe that.

Monday Night Introspection

Interesting the direction life takes you.

Upon unpacking things here, I found a journal I kept in 2011 in the desk I had in storage back in Florida.  I'm actually surprised by how sad I was during those days.  I mean, I remember being sad.  My grandparents, who had been a huge part of my life up until that point, had just died and I had a hard time dealing with it.  I think I was probably depressed--circumstantially so--but didn't realize it.  In one entry I even said I just hoped for life to once again be happy and full.

It's interesting, because that's something I've thought a lot about recently.  How happy and full life has been in this past year and a half.  I once felt like I wouldn't be happy again... and although I do remember feeling that way, it is only a memory now.  I've had to make a lot of changes in many areas of my life.  It took awhile to get there.  I've stretched myself and gone new places, done more (and more!) traveling, met so many new people.  I've stepped far out of my comfort zone many times... something I once never did.  I would definitely not say life has been easy the past year and a half, but it has been good.

Just some thoughts I have tonight.  I'm glad life has taken me where it has.  I've said it before, but this has been a season of life I have truly enjoyed.  I know life has yet to take many twists and turns--and certainly not all of them good--but I am content and thankful in this moment.

Change

Well, it's official.  After what has been a CRAZY week, I have now officially moved to Spokane, Washington!  Bela and I flew to Florida last Monday, and spent the three days organizing, packing, and throwing out stuff in preparation for our drive across country (unfortunately I was only able to see a very few people while there, as there was just too much to do and not enough time).  This wasn't my first time doing a cross-country drive, but it was my first time doing the whole thing one day after another.  When we went to California we had a couple of day-long breaks in St. Louis and Colorado Springs.  This time, we did it in four days straight.

I have to admit, I was really scared about driving a moving truck across country.  Though in this day and age it's a lot safer than it once was with the technology we have, it's still an unnerving task for two women by themselves.  Not to mention we were hearing stories about snow being a possibility this time of year through some of the mountain passes in the north.  But-- thank goodness-- we did NOT deal with that!!  The truck we rented held up... and we had a blast through those four days singing at the top of our lungs, car-dancing, along with many long best-friend-heart-to-heart talks.  Bela has grown to be as close as a sister in the past year and I've been so grateful for her friendship in my life.  Of course I would never tell her that!  Kidding.

So we have moved everything into our apartment.  No internet yet at this time, so I am at Starbucks with a decaf Americano, just giving myself permission to turn my brain off for the night and relax.  I go back to work tomorrow night for a three-in-a-row.  I'll think then but for now, I've kind of reached my stopping point for the day.  Life has been insanely non-stop recently.  And I've loved it, but I'm also ready for  a bit of a break!!

I still can't believe I made this leap.  Yesterday I sat down on the floor of my living room, looked around at all my stuff... stuff that once sat in a little one-bedroom apartment in Jacksonville, FL.  And I realized, I live here now.  No move is ever permanent, but the travel nursing deal was definitely always incredibly temporary.  I definitely knew I was not going to go back to Florida, but there was never any sort of settledness about it.  But this... is different.  And for right now where I'm at in my life... it's what's right.  

Life has been so full and so good the last year and a half.  I've learned things about myself.  I've grown so much.  And there's so much more growing left to do.  So many more ups and downs.  I feel like I'm learning to see life always as first and foremost, an adventure.  I hope I'll never stop seeing it that way.  I hope I'll always tackle life and everything I do with passion.  I hope I don't become jaded because the truth is, it's so damn easy to be that way.  I've been there before... I could definitely be there again.

Anyway, I'm just excited for the future right now!

Insonnia, stress, and victories!

Been dealing with some really frustrating insomnia as of late.  I'm not sure why... there seems to be a heaviness weighing on me the past few days and it won't let up.  I think it's mostly related to the upcoming traveling (I'm going to St. Louis Wednesday, fly back four days later and then after that going to Hawaii for a week) and then immediately after that a huge cross-country move.  I feel like my mind is constantly going a hundred miles an hour, dwelling on everything that needs to be done in the next month instead of just taking things one day at a time.  I go to sleep at night exhausted, but I'm waking up between three and four almost every day, after tossing and turning all night.  Anyway... hopefully it will end soon.

On a more positive note... after being out for an entire month, I've been able to start running again!  Small amounts, but it's running and it feels good and my foot has felt pretty good so far!  I ran a mile on Friday, then a mile and a half yesterday.  I don't think I'll do more than two miles at a time for a couple weeks.  I don't want to overdo it, and find myself back to square one or with an even worse injury.  Even though I'm frustrated (I feel so out of shape, therefore I've gained a little weight, which makes me feel worse... but it's not the end of the world!!!) the worst thing I can do is push myself too hard.

And that's another thing I'm working on.  I tend to go all or nothing when it comes to exercise and "taking care" of my body.  And I'm working on being kind to myself.  I love my body... and although it's not in the exact shape I would like for it to be right now, I'm not loving it or taking care of it if I push myself beyond my limits and then injure my body.  Honestly, that's probably why it got injured in the first place.  Overuse injury most likely.  So if I love my body, I'll take care of it.  Which means I won't be running five miles for quite some time now, and that's ok.  I'm going to celebrate the small victories as they come.  And this week's victory is just being able to get back out there!

So all this insomnia has me doing a lot more thinking, so hopefully at least I'll pay a bit more attention to this blog.  Not that I expect people to be that interested in what I have to say here, but it is nice to just kind of get things off my chest.

Changes

February 1st, 2014 was the day we drove fifteen hours from Castro Valley, California, all the way to Spokane, Washington.  I had never heard of Spokane before this assignment, but the thought of living in Washington State for eight weeks seemed pretty cool.  We drove in that first night, stayed at the Montvale downtown since we hadn't really found a place to live, and the solid inch of ice everywhere was already giving me second thoughts about being here.  I could barely walk anywhere in my TOMS.

A delicious breakfast at Frank's Diner while a couple of inches of snow fell the next morning did change my opinion somewhat of being here.  The people all seemed so warm and friendly, especially after three months of California's less friendly climate.  Within the first week here, we moved into a lovely condo in Rathdrum with even lovelier landlords, drove through our first snowstorm, and experienced our first negative temperature weather.  Not to mention we felt accepted very quickly into the fold at Deaconess with our 7 Tower co-workers.  Over and over again we both kept saying how this assignment felt like a dream compared to our last one.

So we renewed our contracts again, then again, and then one last time.  And as of this week, we have officially been hired on at Deaconess as permanent employees!  I am no longer a travel nurse... which is a little bittersweet.

What would possess me to move almost three thousand miles away from home?  I have a feeling there are many people, possibly in my own family even, that don't understand it.  There has been something about being out here, being away from all that is familiar, where culture and life are different, weather is different (I mean, I still don't even own an appropriate wardrobe for a real winter).  And I've never really been able to put into words why I love it out here so much.  I'm excited to be a bit settled for awhile, to have my furniture and my own things out here with me.  I'm excited to be living somewhere again instead of just staying somewhere.

I'm excited for this new chapter in my life!

Lately I've been really ungrateful.  Ungrateful for how incredibly privileged I am in this life.  In many parts of the world, I would enjoy very little freedom-- especially as a woman.  And the news coming out of Iraq recently, or the Gaza, or Ukraine... there is so much evil out there.  Yes, evil, call it what it is.  And I'm very sheltered from it.

I've been complaining because I have a foot injury and I won't be able to run for a couple weeks at least.  On the flip side, I complain because I have to exercise to stay at least somewhat thin... a problem that only exists in first world countries with plenty of food.  I get sick of the job I work 12 hours at a time at.  But I have a job.  And it pays me enough to not only pay my bills, but to afford smaller luxuries in life as well.  I have lived a life relatively free from illness and tragedy.  I don't fear for my life when I walk out my front door.

It isn't to minimize the few heartaches that I do have and never allow myself to be sad.  Or to never be angry.  But I should be more grateful for what I have.  I'm going to work on that.

Life as I see it

Well, I said I was going to keep this blog more faithfully.  And thanks to a foot injury that unfortunately kept me out of work tonight, resulting therefore in the inability to go anywhere at this time, I've got a little extra time on my hands tonight.

Yes, a foot injury.  Not exactly certain how serious at this point, but enough that it's difficult to walk.  But it is somewhat better than it was this time last night, so I'm hopeful that by tomorrow it might be even better.  No idea how it happened, though I suspect it's related to running.  Anyway, I'm not here to talk about my foot.

Actually, I'm not really here to talk about anything really.  I guess this is just one of those usual boring updates.

This week has been quite relaxing, honestly (minus said foot injury).  After working crazy overtime last week (which I'm so grateful now that I did!) I gave myself permission to just relax.  Didn't pressure myself to pick up extra this week.  I enjoyed each moment.  I did have some issues with my car registration.  For future reference to those of you out there... think very carefully about buying a car out of state, especially if that state is over three thousand miles from your home state!  That's all I have to say about that.  The issue is quite resolved at this point.  A couple of days ago, we drove out to Green Bluff to go berry picking.  Something I've never done before!  And I'm even more excited now, because come fall we can go apple picking, and pumpkin picking at the pumpkin patch!  Believe me, for Florida girls, this is a novelty!

I have to say, for the first time in my life... I'm happy and content with where I'm at.  Not that my life has been really hard in the past, but there's always been this very unsettled feeling deep down.  I've known pretty much since high school that Florida was not where I would live for the rest of my life.  And since nursing school, that itch to leave never went away.  Taking that leap back in October was the best thing I could have done.  Being in this part of the country somehow just feels right... and I love it!

That isn't to say that life is always just amazing.  But right now, I feel I can take a step back and simply appreciate where it's at.