Thankfulness

Lindsey had a great couple of posts on her blog on thankfulness, so I thought, why not join in?  Instead of doing it on facebook, I decided I'll just do it on my blog.  It won't be daily, and maybe this will be the only post about it, but why not talk about the things I'm thankful for?  There are many.

1. I'm thankful for my job.  Cliche, I know, but really! In this economy and with so many people out of work, I really am lucky to have a stable job and be able to support myself.  Even when I don't always love it, I am thankful for it.

2. I'm thankful for my little apartment.  After a year of living with roommates I just didn't click with, having my own place has been pure awesomeness.  With that, I'm thankful for my kitty.

3. I'm thankful for cool weather.  Has this weather been awesome or what?!  I remember many a hot November in years past, and it really has been nice to have some cool weather this time of the year.

Cleveland: A Week of Fall-tastic Fun

On our first night there, we decided to take a trip to Target. We especially enjoyed browsing through the Halloween section.

Day 2: Fall foliage!  As a Floridian, this is something I rarely see.

Me, enjoying the scenery on our hike.

Lindsey's grandpa told us about this awesome place called Gervasi Vineyards.  Yes, this  is in Canton, OH.  Beautiful, isn't it?  Complete with wine-tasting and dinner at the bistro, it was an awesome experience!  Thanks, Mr. Grandpa Glorioso!

I took a picture with fall colors every chance I could get.

Day 3: A visit to Amish country!  It wasn't everything I hoped for, but I did get to see some Amish people.  The Amish guy using a leaf blower made the experience- we were trying to figure out how he justified that when they aren't supposed to use modern technology.

On our way back from Amish country, we passed a pumpkin patch.  And, since we don't have *actual* pumpkin patches in FL, we had to stop!

Before our pumpkin carving.

The finished product.  Lindsey's on the left, mine on the right.

Day 4: I got to see one of my oldest friends, Sarah Micklewright!  It was awesome catching up.  She came with us to a rainy fall fest, one of the coldest days I was there.  See, even the Clevelanders were cold on this day.

Here we are again!

We had to take pictures here... what are friends for if not being huge dorks together?

We went to Trader Joe's to pick out our perfect pumpkins.

Our pumpkin family.  Sarah's, the one on top with the monocle, is still my favorite.  Mine are the bottom left two... the simplest ones, but they do look happy, don't they?

Day 5: After dinner with Lindsey's family because her sister was in town, we took the train downtown to Cleveland and walked around seeing the sites.  It was also freezing this day.

The tower.

Day 6: A trip to the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame and Museum!  Necessary picture with a guitar out front, of course!  I picked this one because it reminded me of palm trees in FL.

Me with the Rock Hall

And, it's time to go home.  I'm sorry I didn't take any pictures the last day... but I did take pictures on the plane when I left.  This is flying over Lake Erie toward Chicago.  Bye, Cleveland!

And to end my trip on a high note, I ran into my sister at the Chicago airport!  Surpised?  It wasn't as random as it sounds, but still, it was about as random as it could possibly get in an airport like that.  She was on her way to India, and that morning texted me to tell me she'd be in the O'Hare airport.  Lo and behold, so would I!  She sat with me at my gate (her layover was much longer than mine) until I boarded my plane.  We laughed a lot and had fun, and I think people around us were quite amused.  Allison looks quite fresh in this picture, just embarking on her great international ventures, and I look quite gnarly as I am exhausted from a week of touring.

Ah, friends... for me, the word "friend" is not one I use lightly.  I've never considered myself a person with friends in great quantity, but one with friends in great quality.  Unfortunately, many of them have lived long distance and so I don't get to see them often.  Lindsey is a friend that even if we don't talk for months, can just pick up where we left off the last time.  Sarah, one of my first friends, has been awesome to re-connect with.  We hadn't seen or spoken with each other in years, yet we randomly reconnected when she happened to live in the same city as my other friend!  Now both of them hang out without me... but it's ok, I forgive them.

To the good times!

Dear 16-year-old Me

Dear 16-year-old Me,

I'm 25 now.  In the past 9 years, believe me- we've come a long way.  We are very much still the same person, yet in so many ways very different.

You're really awkward right now.  I know.  You're way taller than all of your friends, your arms and legs are too long, and you haven't yet filled out- and still won't for a few more years.  Sorry.  Sometimes you feel like you're still so much younger than everyone else around you.  You want so much to grow up, to be something more than you are right now.  Right now you think that the most important thing is to find yourself a husband and get married to him so you can be a mom.  Your dreams are short-sighted and limited, but inside of you there is so much more to you that you haven't even begun to tap into.

Many of the people you call "friend" right now, you won't within the next several years.  Don't worry about what everyone thinks about you all the time.  You do have a few true, good friends that will be with you through thick and thin.  You'll stick by them and be glad that you did.  That guy you like that never notices you, well, you should probably know that someday you're going to be more successful than he is, and will find that there really was never much to him.  It's ok.  And it really doesn't get easier, I wish I could tell you that it does.

You will probably be devastated that while I am writing you this letter, I am still not married.  And guess what?  You're going to be ok.  You're going to learn that you have so much potential in life... that there are so many things you can do!  You're going to be a nurse someday, but right now you don't think so.  It's going to be hard, but stick through it and you'll do well.  Believe me.  You'll learn to be independent.  You will grow to love traveling.  You will learn that you can do so many things you never thought you could.

One last thing?  You aren't fat.  You. Are. Not. Fat.  You aren't chubby.  You are thin and fit.  You don't need to diet.  Exercise because it's good for you, not because you hate your body.  Someday you're going to look back at yourself and wonder why you ever thought such horrible things.  Love your body and take care of it.

Believe me... life isn't going to turn out the way you think it will at all.  Sometimes you're going to be lonely.  You will be sad when life's circumstances seem so out of your control.  Quit thinking you have a plan for your life, and just enjoy it.  These are the days you will look back upon so fondly.  And guess what.  I still haven't arrived.  I still have so much more growing to do.  We're in for a crazy ride!

Love,

25-year-old Me

I got back on Wednesday from an awesome week in Cleveland!  I will post pictures another time.  The best way I can think to describe the week is: good times with friends, laughing, pumpkin patches, pumpkin carving, B Spot burgers and chili cheese fries, rainy cold weather, lots of leisurely breakfasts out, Big Bang Theory, Harry Potter, and again- good times with friends!  Thanks, Lindsey, for letting me come visit!

I got to catch up with another one of my oldest friends, Sarah.  We met when we were just eight years old, and she moved away when we were nine.  But she visited a couple of times early on, and after visiting Cleveland two years ago, we once again re-connected.  This time we had more than one chance to hang out while I was there, and it was lots of fun laughing and talking about the good times.  And, realizing there are other people in the world with Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and soundtrack obsessions, and who hate New Girl.

Now it's back to reality.  I missed my kitty and I missed my little apartment, and it is good to be back.  I do wish good times like that could come around more often.  Until next time, then!

The first thing I have to say after watching this video, is a resounding AMEN.

It must be noted that Jennifer Livinston invited the writer of the letter, Kenneth Krause, on to discuss the attacks, but he didn't.  He stands by his remarks.  All I can say is, what a jerk.  If somebody is overweight, don't you think they know that??  Who does he think he is, pointing it out for her and then going on to tell her she is an unsuitable role model simply for being fat in a public position?

I think what makes me angriest about this, is that you would never see an overweight male news anchor receive this letter.  I don't recall anybody caring that Al Roker was overweight several years ago.  It's the cultural obsession we have with women's bodies being perfect that drives this.  I'm not saying that men and boys who are fat don't get bullied, because they do.  I know those who have.  But in the public eye, it truly is the women who suffer when it comes to body image.  Say what you will, but it is the truth.

I'm not saying men don't feel pressure to look a certain way.  I know that as far as body building goes, guys can get addicted to that because of the pressure to be muscular and built.  But I can't speak from that perspective, so I won't.

I'll only say that as a woman, there is an intense pressure to not only be thin, but still have that hourglass figure.  Have the right cup size.  But your legs need to be long too, so wear heels and they'll look longer.  But don't be too tall (ok, maybe this is one only for the tall girls).  We hate our hip size, our "mama's arms," our size, our noses, our hair, our boobs.  Why do you think women constantly dye, straighten, perm, curl, their hair?  There is an astounding number of women who get boob jobs.  In my work experience, I've known a few who have.  Why?  Who says that a 32A is the wrong size?  I guess society does, I don't know.  But something makes us think there is something "wrong" with the way we look.  Last year my friend and I were talking about a particular female band, and when mentioning one I said, "It's the one whose eyes are too close together."  Then I thought, who says whether someone's eyes are too close together or too far apart?  By what standard am I measuring something like that?

Well, anyway, these are some seriously disorganized thoughts but after that story was out yesterday I have been thinking a lot more about the whole idea of body image.

I'm looking in the mirror, and I am going to try my best to not have any standard that I'm measuring myself up against.  Anyway, most of those standards are fake.

Thanks to a friend's Pinterest board that she made to promote a positive body image, I was inspired to make several boards on my own Pinterest to promote my own positive body image.  One I made simply called "Body Image."  On this board I chose inspirational quotes, celebrities who have "normal" bodies, full-figured women, etc.  My other boards are "Curly Hair," and "Tall Girls."

I hope to not only promote a positive body image in myself, but to encourage other women to as well.  One pin, of the Ryan Gosling "Hey Girl" memes, simply states: "Hey girl, start a revolution.  Stop hating your body."  Although meant to be funny, it struck me as very poignant and thought-provoking.  It doesn't mean let yourself go, be as unhealthy as you want.  However, there is a point where one has to say, this is my body.  Why am I letting the opinions of people I know and people I have never even met and never will meet, affect how I view myself?  Affect how I treat myself, and how I view others as well?

I always felt I was born with an unfortunate combination of characteristics.  Even though I feel I have done a fairly good job of loving my body, there have been many other aspects of myself I have hated.

It sound cliche, but there really is no one else on earth like me.  And that is the truth, even if it is a cheesy truth.

What a nice gift I got, getting canceled for work on a Friday night!  My five nights off turned into six, meaning I actually have five full days off.  Sometimes, nursing can definitely have its benefits.  As stressful of a job as it is, there aren't many that can afford you so many days in a row off.  I could go out of town with this kind of time off.  Course, I'm not which makes me pretty lame.

Speaking of lame... no, maybe it's too embarrassing to tell how lame I really am.  Suffice it to say, my sister Melissa and I are equally lame which I think probably makes us equally awesome.  Melissa, you know just what I'm talking about!  Ha!

So, as follow-up on the Weight Watchers front... I gave it up.  Initially it was the lack of will power, but secondary reasons for not going back on it were that my self esteem took a real plummet during those three weeks it hasn't taken in a long, long time.  I have gotten back to a much healthier view of myself.  I'm telling you, diets (call it what you want, it's still a diet) aren't for me.  It can be done in a healthy way, but I don't know how.  So.  I may never be a skinny-mini.  I can rock my curves, and I think I do.  I've avoided the subject for awhile now, because I was kind of embarrassed about it.  But I don't have to be.  I'm not perfect, I'm human and prone to the same mistakes as any person.  But that's kind of what my blog is about, just me being me.  I'm sure if you have read any past post, you know I've said some stupid crap on more than one occasion.

Been contemplating the concept of singleness and who I am in relation to that.  Will write about it soon, when my thoughts are more complete and not just randomly bouncing around my head.  After talking to my sister last night, I had some epiphanies about my attitude in relation to this subject.  Embracing singleness vs. making it your identity.  More to come.

Last week, I took care of a 91 year old lady.  Little old ladies, they always want to know about your marital status.  Then they like to tell you that you are a beautiful girl and they don't know WHY you aren't married yet.  This lady, however, after I told her that no, I wasn't married, she thought about it for a minute and said, "You are a wonderful girl and let me tell you, if you go the whole rest of your life and you stay single, you will be okay!"

Course, I'm wondering do I take this as an insult or compliment?  But really, I knew what she meant and I thanked her for saying so kindly what others won't (especially of her generation).  People in general, though I know they are trying to be helpful, are uncomfortable with the idea of a woman who is happy with herself as is.  The response is almost always, "Oh, honey, you just wait and someday when you least expect it the right man will come along!"  The problem with that statement, is it just isn't true for everyone, and the people saying it can't guarantee that it is.  Not everyone is going to find "the one."  Sometimes people don't find the one until they are older after living for many years single.

Maybe it's just an overall awkward subject and people just don't know what to say, so they say the first silly thing that comes to mind.  I suppose I should give people a little more credit.  I mean, I don't really know what people should say.  But feeling sorry for me and trying to sympathize when no sympathy is needed is pretty annoying.  Do I want to get married?  Hell yeah!  I hope it happens.  I hope it happens sooner rather than later, don't get me wrong.  But in the meantime, I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself and neither should anyone else.

I'm currently reading Dearie- a biography about Julia Child.

Though not really into cooking so much, I've always looked up to Julia Child as role model and someone I could relate to.  Having not gotten married until she was 34, she had many years of somewhat independent living (she came from money, and social standards of the day meant it wasn't so unusual for a single woman to still receive financial help from their parents).  On top of that, she didn't even find her calling until well into her thirties.  She worked a job that required her to travel and saw so much of the world.  Of course, can't talk about Julia Child without mentioning her height as a fellow tall woman- 6'2.  If I think it's frustrating being a tall woman today, I can't even imagine what it was like for Julia and her sister trying to navigate the world of dating in the 30s and 40s. Both married shorter men than themselves.

The book is very interesting and I've only gotten so far as her work overseas with the OSS.  Already in her thirties, yet so much more to her story to come.  I hope someday, people can say that about me.

I hope that one day at the end of my life, I can say I've lived it to the fullest.  I want to travel. I have such an itch to see the world, that I'm often tempted to up and buy a plane ticket to who-knows-where and just do it by myself.  I want experiences of different cultures, people from other places, to get out of my own narrow American view of the world.

I think travel nursing may just satisfy that itch, at least within the States, but in the meantime there are so many other places I want to go.  I want to live, because stuck here, I'm not.  I'm dreaming of it, yes.

Does this describe how I feel or what?

"You can get so confusedthat you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find bright places

where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,

once more you'll ride high!

Ready for anything under the sky.

Ready because you're that kind of guy!"

-Dr. Suess's Oh the Places You'll Go!

I am one domestically challenged woman.  The worst at letting my apartment go, and then every time I clean it (which is less often than I'd like to admit) I wonder how I ever let it get messy in the first place and vow to keep it clean as I go.  Then before I know it, messy.  How can you clutter up a two room apartment in such a short time?!  However, I really am going to work on keeping it clean, because if I do move in January, the last thing I want is to be doing a mass cleaning and packing all at the same time.  But I'm proud of myself, as I've deep cleaned and de-cluttered today.  Keeping it clean isn't hard, it's being disorganized that's my problem.

So, anyway.  I ordered new glasses today, and I'm so excited!  They're Ray-Bans, and though not the large rimmed hipster glasses that the cool kids wear nowadays, they're pretty close.  I couldn't go with the really big ones.  I just couldn't.  Anyway, these ones are still cool and somewhat "hipster" if you will, but still something that I can pull off without looking like I'm trying too hard.

And speaking of hipster, I got my first pair of Toms this week.  You know, I like them, but I'm not sure they really fit my style.  That or I just have to get used to them since they are a strange looking pair of shoes.  Maybe I underestimate my ability to be cool.

September is here, and that means all my favorite shows are back!  Parenthood, Survivor, Big Bang Theory.... it's just too much to handle.  Looking forward to watching them.

Exciting changes to be coming.  It is freeing to even think about.

After time spent with a dear friend tonight, it became very clear to me what I need to do next.  I am looking into travel nursing, and expect to hopefully be starting it by January or so.  I need time to be myself, to do something new, and not be held back by people around me. 

As I have not yet begun to officially pursue it, I don't know when it will be.  I just know it will be, at some point.  Something has got to give in my life, and this choice is for nobody but myself.  I have felt trapped by family drama, the choices of others, and my own striving to make things right for too long... and traveling will do nothing to change that.  But it will give me my own space, my own time, and my own identity apart from the shit I've had to deal with for the last two years.  Selfish, maybe, but it's not a choice I am making lightly.

So here's hoping.