Rambling

Today has been a good day. I was able to sleep until 8 o'clock, watch a little morning news, drink my coffee, and spend several hours studying. I also pretty much finished my paper, so I feel pretty accomplished right now. The last few hours I have been trying to get back into the zone with studying, but it doesn't seem to be working so well anymore. Well, I don't feel too stressed because midterms are still two weeks away, and I already have a good amount of studying under my belt as a foundation. I will try to keep up with it every day. *Try being the key word. :)

Lately I have begun to feel like I'm really staring to get this stuff. Not completely, and I suppose that I'll never arrive there (who ever does?), but I just feel like things are starting to click. Especially meds. When we took patho/pharm last semester, half the time I felt like things were going over my head and I wasn't getting it. Now I realize that class was the foundation I needed, because I'm actually drawing from what I learned, and remembering more and more as I see different patients, or study for adult health. I see diagnoses and what meds they are on and a little lightbulb appears over my head. :) Assessing patients is still a little shaky, but that's why they still have us in school now, isn't it? I'm learning. Praise God, I'm learning!

I will be glad October 20th is here. After that, all of my midterms will be over and I will be well into the second half. I just pray that I pass. People always say, "Failing is never an option!" Well it's not an option but it sure is a possibility. You just have to face reality. Although I know that God has a plan and nothing I do will thwart it, that doesn't take away the personal responsibility of working hard and doing my best, as to the LORD. I think that sometimes as Christians we sort of have the "let go and let God" (I've never really understood what that means) mentality and don't want to take personal responsibility. We use God's sovereignty as an excuse to be lazy. Wow, that sounds horrible even to write it out but I think that I do it all the time. I say, God has a plan and even if I do this or don't do that, it'll happen anyway. I don't want to take responsibility. I do that all the time.

Do I work hard because I want to get good grades? Or do I work hard because I want to glorify God? I have to ask myself those questions. And when I'm slacking off and not doing my best (which happens more often than I'd like to admit), it is simply because I'm lazy, I am not working to glorify God, and I'm selfish.

The weather has been simply glorious the past two weeks- I have woken up to temperatures in the low 60's (even hit 59 Friday morning!) and the day never gets much above the 70's. I have never seen this in September/October. Maybe it's global warming.

Today is one of those days when I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I am trying to be diligent and start studying for midterms, and my mind keeps wandering off somewhere else. So, why not take a break and let it wander for awhile.

Yesterday I again spent the day feeling under the weather. Not as bad as last week, but I just felt headachy and lethargic most of the day. I ended up taking a three hour nap. For some reason clinical just wipes me out! I can't figure it out. I did get something productive done, but not nearly what I should have. I was never affected like this last semester after 12-hour days (although last year they were never as intense as they are now). I guess I just need to make sure I am getting more work done Thursday through Monday because it looks like Wednesdays are going to be pretty much shot from here on out unless something changes.

I'm at the library right now to make up for lost time yesterday. Although I'm having a hard time concentrating, I do feel that I've gotten some productive studying done. It is just getting to the point where it is not productive and the information is not being retained. Part of my problem is I'm hungry. Not a fun way to spend the day. I will probably leave in about an hour or so.

I'll be going to Amanda's spinning class again tomorrow. I did it last week and it was pretty good. A hard work-out, and something I definitely need! She does it three days a week but I can only make it out on Fridays after class. I should try to exercise at least two other days on my own. Maybe that will help me feel less tired a lot of the time. Well, that and actually getting a good night's sleep.

I can't wait to graduate. I was looking online last night for places to live after I'm done. Looks like St. Louis is the place, but really anywhere in the NORTH would be great. I'm tired of hot and humid weather 90% of the year. You can tell me that St. Louis gets super hot and humid weather and I won't argue that, but they do not get it March through October with hot days sprinkled in throughout the winter months as well. We do and it is absolutely miserable. You wake up and step outside in the morning and immediately start sweating, can hear your hair frizz, cut the air with a knife and know that it is only going to get worse as the day progresses. Welcome to Florida.

A Good Day

Today I gave lots of meds, pushed lasix, hung an IV, and gave an insulin shot. :) AND, I knew almost all of my patient's meds off the top of my head!! To top it all off, our teacher let us go a couple hours early. Ahh, it is a good day.

Tuesdays after clinicals are my time to lay low and relax. After going all day, I have got to unwind and have time to relax. Of course midterms and finals weeks are a different story, but for tonight I am going to take it easy.

I can't believe that midterms are in just two weeks. I will be half-way through the semester before I know it! I knew it would go this fast but it is still hard to believe.

I haven't been very good with my BSF lesson this week. I didn't start it until tonight, but once I started I was able to get the whole thing done. We are reading about the life of Moses this year, and right now we are in Exodus the second chapter. I have never really studied Exodus very closely. Mostly just the Sunday school light and fluffy stuff.

I'm so struck by how impulsive and impatient Moses was! He killed an Egyptian- a sinful and evil act by itself, but he was doing that because he thought the Hebrews would see him as their rescuer, in essence, their "hero" (Acts 7:25). I have never seen it that way at all before.

Something else I read in Exodus 2:24 & 25. "God heard their groaning and He remembered His covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob. So God looked on the Israelites and was concerned about them." This is just my own commentary is likely not even right or anywhere close to accurate, but I wonder if God had turned His back on the Hebrews during the 400 year period that they were in slavery. Not completely turned His back no them, because He definitely kept His hand on them because the 400 years were part of His promise to Abraham in Genesis 15:13, so maybe it was more of a silence from God. I mean, they may have been groaning before that, (though it is not mentioned) but the Bible only mentions their cry going up to God at this point, after Moses has already left Egypt. Bear in mind that it is highly probable that many of the Hebrews were highly influenced by Egyptian culture and gods, and many likely worshiped those rather than God.

One thing I want to point out is that God remembered. He doesn't forget His promises to us! And Moses couldn't do a thing to change those plans. He tried to speed things up, and it almost backfired on him. God's plans were going to happen in His time, rather than in our instant-gratification human nature. I think that I'm just like Moses all the time, trying to be manipulative and speed things up. Interestingly enough, Exodus doesn't mention that the Israelites were praying for a deliverer before Moses' birth, or that Moses' parents knew that Moses would be a deliverer, and neither does God specify in what way He would bring about the deliverance in Genesis 15, (all contrary to what many romanticized versions of the story tell us). Somehow Moses either knew he would be, or maybe he only originally thought that he could be based upon his merit, the deliverer, and that is why he killed the Egyptian. Acts 7 does mention that he thought the Israelites would recognize him as their rescuer. I wonder if originally he thought that simply because he was a prince and a Hebrew, they would all see him as their deliverer? But perhaps not, because in Hebrews 11:24 it does say that when he grew up he refused to be known as the son of the Pharaoh's daughter and wanted to be mistreated along with his people. But we don't know at what point this happened either, just that it happened when he grew up.

Anyway, just some thoughts I had that were spurred by some of this week's questions that I felt like writing down. It is merely speculation, and nothing more. I'm not super knowledgeable about Scripture so I'm sure that there are points I'm missing. Any thoughts are welcome though. Sorry that it is completely unorganized.

Another week of school ahead of me. But I get to go to BSF tomorrow night and that is the highlight of my week!!!

Friday, Meds, and Survivor

I am so glad it is Friday and even more glad that I'm almost done with this paper that is due on Monday. Some people, as of today, had not even started it yet. I could never deal with that stress. If I don't start something at least a few weeks ahead of time I start feeling super stressed!!

I bought some med cards today. It has most of the mainstream meds that are used in medicine that I should know, and they are alphebatized and already typed out on cards. So if I need to bring stuff with me for quick reference such as at clinical, it will be so nice! I have got to learn my meds better. Today a couple people told me that they don't think it's all that important, but I think that since this is what I will (hopefully-if I pass) be doing for the rest of my life, I need to LEARN them!! I don't want to come out of school clueless about so much. I feel that way right now and I don't want that to continue. I want to apply myself better and not throw away what freedom I have to be able to do what I'm doing. So many people around the world would give anything to even have access to the kind of education I'm privileged to receive. I take it for granted all the time.

I watched Survivor last night. I swore I would never watch it again, and Melissa texted me to inform me that there were tons of hot guys and I should watch it, so I did... and I was hooked. I watched the whole two hours. What a complete waste of time, but it's so good. I used to be obsessed with Survivor when I was in eighth grade, and watched pretty much every season until 2005. Last year Melissa and I watched one together when she moved to St. Louis.

This week went by fast again- five weeks down and 10 to go!! Yeah! It's going fast. I can't believe October is almost here. I don't know if I want it to go so fast, but yet because it's so stressful I'm kind of glad it is. Life is passing me by and I don't even know it.

Stress, School, and God's faithfulness

I have had such a crappy day. I have a check point this Friday and haven't gotten a bit of studying done today because I have had the biggest headache all day. It's finally going away, so hopefully I will be able to get something done tonight. It's been so frustrating! I didn't have any ibuprofin and had to go out to get it at Publix, and all day I just felt like crying and when I finally did it just made me feel worse. Ugh, too much stress. I can't take it anymore. At least I don't have anything going on tomorrow so hopefully I can just suck it up and spend the whole day studying. I'm just so frustrated. I think it's a result of clinical yesterday, I was so exhausted last night. I need to be getting more sleep the night before clinical. I think that's what's killing me, is the lack of sleep.

It's days like this that I wonder why I ever signed up for this. Of course, yesterday I was thinking how glad I am that I'm doing this. It just depends on the day I guess. Sometimes it's frustrating because I feel so stupid half the time. I was talking to Allison about it last night, and I find that I expect that I should know everything even though that's not possible. Sometimes teachers make you feel stupid because you don't know all your meds, and I'm thinking really? Cause there are thousands of them out there. I'm just trying to learn all I can right now, and the rest will come with experience. That's what everyone tells me. But it doesn't stop me from beating myself up for not knowing everything. And I know I can't ever know everything! I think that I always saw myself at this point-being a senior in nursing school- and knowing everything. Seriously, my expectations were way too high for myself. I think because when I would talk to Hannah or Amanda they always seemed so smart like they knew everything, but now I know that is probably because I didn't know anything and at that point they knew a lot more than I did.

BSF this week was really good. I was so blessed at the beginning. On the way over to pick Hannah up, I was thinking about how stressed I was and my attitude was horrible (kind of like it is right now) and one of the things I like to do is sing some of my favorite hymns. The two that I sang on the way over were Praise to the Lord the Almighty and How Firm a Foundation. I was frustrated because I couldn't remember all the words. Well, when we got to BSF, the two opening hymns Lisa picked were BOTH of those!! I was just so blessed by that. God knew what I needed, just as He always does. And no, the rest of my week has not gone perfectly, but I can hold onto moments like that and remember God's faithfulness even in the "small" things (in no way are they really small though!). In fact, even now I know that today I already forgot how God has blessed me this week. How quickly I forget His faithfulness.

Well, it is time for me to try to get some studying in today. I hope it will be productive! Bye bye!

Just a break from school...

This assignment is driving me crazy. Why all this busy work, seriously? Is it really necessary when I could be spending my time studying and actually learning something?

I have been drinking more coffee than any human being should be allowed. Fun fun! Just think, some day I will look back on all this and be glad I got through it. I'm stressed and have way too much to do, but gotta remember Christ is enough. Life can't always be easy and He is GOOD.

The reason I emphasize that is that I recently became convicted about how I use the phrase "God is good." While there is nothing wrong with that phrase, I have noticed that the times that I use it are when something good happens, such as getting paid early for something when I really needed the money most, making a good grade on a test, etc... I realize that is an over-used phrase by me. It may not sound like such a big deal, until I ask myself that by saying that God is good in a "good" situation, am I implying that He would not be good if I were to be late on a bill because the money didn't come through, or if I get a 64 on that quiz, etc...? Does it really glorify God when I say that, because honestly I'm really saying more that the money I got is good, or the grade I got is good and so on and so forth. That's not Christ-glorifying. Since pretty much everything seems crappy right now, I'm trying to always tell myself God is GOOD because I tend to only tell myself that when good things happen.

A John Piper video that Melissa posted on her facebook really is what convicted me. He says on it that you never will hear anyone say that Christ is enough because they drive a BMW. Catch my drift? I will post it on here sometime.

Totally disorganized thoughts, sorry if they're confusing but there they are. A result of too much writing my paper for school I suppose. :)

Another Week...

I made it through another week, and am now four weeks into school. Everything is definitely in full swing, yet I still feel like I'm trying to get into a good routine. Mondays and Tuesdays are terribly stressful, but once I get through those two days the rest of the week is not too bad. I am learning to get by on very little sleep and lots of coffee. I fell asleep in the library the other day- something I have never done before. I have a paper to write over the weekend, but it's not a hard paper so I'm not too stressed about it.

I don't know if I ever mentioned that I put in my two weeks notice at Hallmark. I put it in last week, and was scheduled to still work yesterday and this coming Wednesday. She called and said that she found someone to cover. I was somewhat relieved/disappointed. I was looking forward to those two days of work, but at the same time yesterday I was able to take a nap and Wednesday I will be able to work on this paper and study. I wish I could keep working there, but the more I went in, the more I felt stressed and while I was there all I could think about was the studying I could be doing, or how much work I had to do when I got home, etc.

Tricia and Alex's baby, Aidan, turned one this week! Tricia is throwing a party for him today and invited me. I told my mom that this is my first friend's kid's party- a very momentous occasion. ;) I used to look at pictures from my oldest sister's first birthday party, and would laugh at how all the adults were in party hats and not even Melissa is. Now I'm the "adult" at the party. When did that happen?! :)

I'm starting to wonder if I can do this anymore. I've been having so many doubts this week about my ability to do this- am I really smart enough for it? Do I have what it takes? Is all this stress and work really worth it? Right now it feels like it won't be worth it. I have too much to do, I'm not getting enough sleep, and half the time I feel like my head is spinning. Eleven weeks to go until Christmas break. Not that I'm counting.

Back in '92...

Ok so I had to jump on the band wagon and yearbook myself. This one made me laugh the most so here it is. I look a lot like my mom cause she used to have hair almost exactly like this! :)

I'm so glad it's Friday. Even though I have a lot of studying to do this weekend, I'm glad I can at least get some sleep. I didn't go to bed until midnight last night and woke up 4:45 this morning. Still almost five hours of sleep, but after doing that almost the whole week it does wear on you. I'll get through the semester, and I will be so glad when I do! :) Sometimes I have to think ahead to next year, when I'm in my cap and gown, and that helps me get through.

We had our first check point in adult health this morning. We have to go in at 7:30 before class to take them (they're only every other week) and I didn't do too hot. They tell us though not to expect to do well. They really don't even expect you to pass. Part of the reason is, half the check point is from the lecture we'll be getting that day.

I worked tonight and now I don't have to work the weekend! Yay! I put in my two weeks notice yesterday. It is just going to be too much trying to drive out that way two days a week, setting aside that many hours that could be spent studying. I don't want to quit, but it's what I have to do. School is my priority right now.

Another one of my good friends recently got engaged. I'm done feeling sorry for myself being single- I mean, it doesn't get me anywhere. It's no use to wish for something I don't have. But I do still sometimes wonder, why is this not happening to me. I know I'm only 21 years old and I have PLENTY of time. It's not like my biological clock is ticking or anything. A friend of mine recently posted on her blog that what hurts the most is going unnoticed. And that's probably where it's at for me. I really wouldn't want to be engaged right now, but guys never seem to be interested in me. I wouldn't expect it that much either because my looks aren't exactly top notch, but am I that repulsive? Well, enough complaining for now. God has a plan. If He want me single for the rest of my life, then it's for His glory and He is good and He is ENOUGH.

Good bye! :) :)

Wow. Tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed... just a few words I can think of to describe how I feel right now. Don't take this as complaining though- it is what I signed up for from day one and I knew this day was coming. I can honestly say that I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life. I have never had so much to do in such a small amount of time. But I will enjoy it. It's stressful but I want to learn as much as I can. The nurse I was with today quizzed me and Michelle and I felt like I knew nothing. It was so frustrating! Some of the things she expected us to know were things that we couldn't be expected to know, but I know it's good to have that pressure to make you learn more. I turned the tv on tonight and Scrubs was on- it made me laugh cause I'm beginning to relate more to some of the things on there even though it's doctor-related. I wish my life was more like that. Always having a witty thing to say to every situation, and problems are always solved in 30 minutes. But my life is my life so there you go. :)

Hannah just came home and told me I look like I've been crying. I'm so tired I guess that's why!

Well, I don't really have anything to say. Just wanted to give an update. My mind is too tired to think of anything interesting to say so good night!

The Library

I'm sitting in the library today, waiting to go to a meeting at three and trying to get some studying done. Things are only now starting to pick up, but nothing is due for some time so it's hard not to get too relaxed about things. I have a focus paper to complete for my day in the OR but can't seem to get anything else done for now so I guess I should leave it for the time being.

I have missed the library. I didn't realize it. On the way here I was dreading coming in here, dreading the quiet, the lack of concentration that always shows up when I walk through the doors... but sitting here, reading, studying, writing... it's not so bad as I remember. It can be peaceful. I sit by the windows on the top floor and can look out at the construction going on (very peaceful I know), watch people walk to and from class, or just the changing patterns of clouds. People-watching is one of my favorite things. I like to imagine who they are, where they are coming from and where they are going. I love hearing the sound of keys tapping on laptops, the vigorous writing of pencils, or the turning of pages- which always reminds me I'm not the only one stuck in the library studying.

And yet believe me, within just a few weeks I will tire of this place. It doesn't take long, does it?

My meeting is in 45 minutes so I should get back to work. Happy day!

I had my day in the OR yesterday, and it went pretty well. The surgery was actually the most boring part of the day, interestingly enough. I think I would prefer actual patient care as a nurse. PACU was probably the coolest part. I can see why Allison liked it so much.

I was so tired last night. I went to bed at 9:30 and missed pretty much all of the RNC. I guess I could youtube it or something. I watched Fox News this morning to catch snippets of it, and now I wish I had watched it last night. Palin will be speaking tonight so I will make sure I don't miss it! I think she is such a great choice for McCain. I'm now more excited about voting than I was before!

Well I really need to start studying for the day. I've been having a hard time buckling down, so I might just spend the day at the library. We'll see.