still be my vision...

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,
Nought be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true Word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, LORD
Thou my great Father, I Thy true daughter
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty gain
Thou mine inheritance, now and always
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won!
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Son
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

I'm not a fan of posting lyrics to music, but today, this is in my heart. I will be able to write more later. For now, Jesus please give me strength.

About a year ago, this is where I found myself. In a lot of ways, I feel like I have made zero progress-- if not gone backwards. I still find myself feeling like I'm swinging on the end of a pendulum, waiting for life to happen, feeling as though it is happening all around me and I'm not really taking any part of it. There is so much I could be doing with my life, and I sit on my hands and do nothing. I could be helping others, but I live internally, pleasing only myself. I could be serving, but instead I am only self-serving. I could be loving, yet instead I am living in a state of self-love.

My life-- no matter where I am-- should be to serve God. I have justified my state of selfishness for a long time. I'm young, I don't have a family of my own to worry about, I have to look out for me right now, etc...

I'm on a quest to get out of this terrible mind-set I am living in. I don't really know where to go, other than to ask God what He wants for me to do. I'm afraid to do that, of course, because I'm afraid He will ask of me what I don't want to give up.

I am looking for direction, but I'm afraid of what that direction is.

According to Nat: Washington, DC: The Seventh Day

Inside the Library of Congress.

Security was really high around the Capitol.
That night when we watched the news, we found out why.

We were too tired to do much touring anymore,
So we spent awhile at Starbucks.

We finished the evening back in Fairfax at Five Guys.

We were so tired on the last day. I didn't post pictures of it, but we decided to start out earlier than usual and eat our last breakfast at the Market Lunch in Eastern Market. It was delicious! I hadn't gotten a chance to try their pancakes when we went on Saturday, and they were definitely the best I'd ever had. When we got into DC, we didn't really do much besides walk around. We walked around the Library of Congress for awhile, which was one of the most beautiful buildings I've ever seen. Then we went to the National Archives again, since the first day we'd gone and only had 30 minutes before closing. We got to see the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. Wish we could have taken pictures, but oh well. All I could think of the whole time was National Treasure. Way to cherish those historical documents!

We were so tired, and finally hopped out early back to Fairfax. I was sad to say good bye to DC, although I was also kind of glad the trip was over. It was certainly one of the most wonderful weeks, but so tiring. We never got a chance to rest while we were there. My feet hurt, I was tired, and needed sleep. We ate at Five Guys, went back to the hotel, and woke up at 5 am so we could make it to Baltimore for our 10 am flight.

And now you know what we did in DC. I finally finished documenting it, even if it took me almost a month! I still at times find myself thinking about our trip, some of my favorite parts of it such as our time at Arlington Cemetery, or just traipsing around the District not knowing where we were going, and it makes me happy. They were good times. With all the stress in life, it is nice to know that at some point you can get a break from it all, away from home and responsibilities. Travel, see new places.

Thanksgiving break is about over for me, and it's back to work in the morning! I got five days off, so I can't complain. It was lazy and tiring, so I'm ready for a little routine back in life again. Now it's time to look forward to Christmas. Some things I'm looking to do: see the Rockettes, go to ICE! at Gaylord Palms in Orlando, maybe a trip to Disney, and see the Jacksonville Symphony. Just need to find someone to go with.

Happy Christmas Season!

Washington, DC: The Seventh Day

Inside the Library of Congress.

Security was really high around the Capitol.
That night when we watched the news, we found out why.

We were too tired to do much touring anymore,
So we spent awhile at Starbucks.

We finished the evening back in Fairfax at Five Guys.

We were so tired on the last day. I didn't post pictures of it, but we decided to start out earlier than usual and eat our last breakfast at the Market Lunch in Eastern Market. It was delicious! I hadn't gotten a chance to try their pancakes when we went on Saturday, and they were definitely the best I'd ever had. When we got into DC, we didn't really do much besides walk around. We walked around the Library of Congress for awhile, which was one of the most beautiful buildings I've ever seen. Then we went to the National Archives again, since the first day we'd gone and only had 30 minutes before closing. We got to see the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. Wish we could have taken pictures, but oh well. All I could think of the whole time was National Treasure. Way to cherish those historical documents!

We were so tired, and finally hopped out early back to Fairfax. I was sad to say good bye to DC, although I was also kind of glad the trip was over. It was certainly one of the most wonderful weeks, but so tiring. We never got a chance to rest while we were there. My feet hurt, I was tired, and needed sleep. We ate at Five Guys, went back to the hotel, and woke up at 5 am so we could make it to Baltimore for our 10 am flight.

And now you know what we did in DC. I finally finished documenting it, even if it took me almost a month! I still at times find myself thinking about our trip, some of my favorite parts of it such as our time at Arlington Cemetery, or just traipsing around the District not knowing where we were going, and it makes me happy. They were good times. With all the stress in life, it is nice to know that at some point you can get a break from it all, away from home and responsibilities. Travel, see new places.

Thanksgiving break is about over for me, and it's back to work in the morning! I got five days off, so I can't complain. It was lazy and tiring, so I'm ready for a little routine back in life again. Now it's time to look forward to Christmas. Some things I'm looking to do: see the Rockettes, go to ICE! at Gaylord Palms in Orlando, maybe a trip to Disney, and see the Jacksonville Symphony. Just need to find someone to go with.

Happy Christmas Season!

Washington, DC: The Sixth Day

At the art museum.
This is the room where Abraham Lincoln had his 2nd inaugural ball.

We got to see Elvis at 21

Went to Fro Yo

You can't tell, but that is me in front of the Navy Memorial

Picture with the National Archives in the background.
Because it was one of our favorite places!

Thanksgiving was good. Black Friday this morning, even better. However, 1.25 hours of sleep last night, and 2 naps later, I'm now wide awake at 1215 am.

I'm moving to night shift in January. Well, for sure I'm doing a 4-week trial and then will decide if I want to stay or go back to days. I'm afraid this is how I'm going to feel all the time though. I have felt groggy and headachy all day today.

And so, today's purchases? A Dyson vacuum cleaner, Wii Fit Plus, and couple of DVDs.

I will try to sleep now, and hope I feel better by tomorrow.

Today, I have a headache from work. And I have to work tomorrow, and I don't want to.

But today, I'm alive. I am living, breathing, healthy. I take in a deep breath, and know that alone is a gift from God because the next one is not guaranteed.

Today I not only am alive, I feel alive. At the risk of over-sharing, I spent all day curled up in bed yesterday because I simply could not face the world. Those days come more often than I wish they did, but do you know what? God is good. In Him, I have life! When did I forget that?

I have forgotten every single promise of God. Last night as I sat in BSF, I realized that. It suddenly became so clear to me, and I wondered how I forgot so easily. I am so thankful that I went to Bible study, because it refreshed me, it reminded me of why I live for Christ. It reminded me that I cannot simply trudge through life.

I think of my mom, my dad, my sisters, and my brother. I thank God for them. Though imperfect, I love my family. I have so much to be thankful for. I cannot live life with the covers over my head blocking out all light, all joy, all fellowship. There is too much living to be done.

Happy Thanksgiving

The past week has brought a little fun with it. With three days in a row off, I was able to finally rest up after working every other day the week before (doesn't sound so bad, but it is actually more tiring than even working three in a row). Also, I got to go to an early screening of Harry Potter at 8 pm Thursday night. That was FUN! I went with Lauren and Brennan. It was nice not seeing it at midnight and being up until 3 am. Definitely one of the best ones so far, and I can't wait until the last one comes out. Although that will be sad, because it will be the end of an era. No more Harry Potter anticipation. Although I didn't start reading them until high school, I've been a fan for almost eight years now which is a long time.

This week, wonderful Thanksgiving! I still have two more days of work ahead of me (and hoping I start to feel a little better before work tomorrow... not feeling the best today) but after that, five days off! Yay! And, even better, I found out I have five days off over Christmas, which is unbelievable and means I get to join my family up north for a few days! I am so happy about that. I did not ask for all those days off, did not expect it, and I'm sooo thankful and excited. My grandpa has been sick, and I'm so grateful I will get to see him and spend time with him. He is the best man in the world, I'm pretty sure of it.

And so, on to a wonderful, fun (and food)-filled weekend. I hope yours is the same!

Washington, DC: The Fifth Day

It's a new day!

We love my phone's little GPS system!
It got us lost more than once. Such as:
taking us to a random neighborhood in Alexandria
Just because its street name happened to be Mt. Vernon.

Me: 6'0''
George Washington: 6'2''
He might have been the only eligible man for me back then.

Me and the Prez.
Please don't laugh at how stupid I look.

Imagine if this was your backyard?

Me in front of G. Wash's house, Mt. Vernon.
What I never knew, is that the original house was
half that size, and he expanded on it after he moved in.

Picture with the common "necessary."
Was it really necessary to have 3 toilets
all out in the open in that little outhouse?

Can you imagine having an open field like this?

We ate at the Mt. Vernon Inn.
I look really thrilled to be there, don't I?
The food was really good.

When we were walking in, I told Allison I wanted to take
a picture with this sign. She would not let me.
But when we left, she changed her mind.

The Washington Monument is a lot bigger than you'd think!

The view of the Capitol from the Washington Monument.
So pretty against the night sky, with the flags.

We ended the evening at the WWII Memorial.
It was FREEZING cold! But we had fun.

This day was, hands down, the best day of our week in DC. We spent most of it at Mt. Vernon, as you can see. If you ever go to DC or Virginia or anywhere in the near vicinity, you need to make Mt. Vernon a priority. I really wanted to go, but honestly I didn't really think it was going to be that great. I thought ok, we can tour Washington's house, but what else is there really? There is a lot to see. There are about 40 more pictures I could have posted. Wouldn't you have loved that?!

We probably didn't get into DC until about 4 o'clock that day. I don't really remember what we did. I think we just went to our little Starbucks, then walked around the monuments in the dark. In the freezing cold. It was at least in the high 30s, and neither one of us were really dressed quite warm enough for it. But still, we had fun.

If there was one day I wish I could go back to during that week, it is this day. Although I was starting to think about how close to the end of our trip we were getting, (which is really stupid) so I was starting to get a little sad this day. But a fun day was had, to be sure.

Washington, DC: The Fourth Day

Due to our very late night Saturday,
Sunday we slept in until at least 9 or 10.
Breakfast as usual- Panera in Fairfax before hopping
on the Metro into DC for a late morning trip to Air and Space.

A little sight-seeing was done on Sunday.
I was tired and groggy this day, though we were in better spirits overall.

We went to church with Alex in China Town.

And ended the evening with 1/2 lb burgers
from Fuddruckers. Couldn't finish it, but it was good!

Sunday (Halloween) was a pretty good day. We didn't do too much, which was ok. We attempted to go up into the Washington Monument, but got there too late for tickets. Oh well, I've done it before.

That night, we went back to the hotel early and watched Forrest Gump and ... Sister Wives. It's probably a sick fascination, but it really is kind of an interesting show. If nothing else you can just laugh at the stupid husband. Really- he is so dumb! (and gross)

And so that is day 4 of the trip. I am now more than half-way through documenting it. Hooray!

Washington, DC: The Third Day

We started out this day a little late
at a place called Market Lunch.

We spent the morning walking around Eastern Market
And took this cutesy little fall picture.
I am avoiding the rotting pumpkin juice that was dripping off the pumpkin.

In front of the National Archives.
By far, probably my favorite museum in DC.
Seriously, a homestead paper signed by Charles Ingalls?
That's right!

Due to the rally that weekend (that we were not part of)
Pennsylvania Avenue was blocked off.
So we took pictures of ourselves standing in the middle
of the road with the Capitol in the background.

Well, I'm going to try to get back to documenting our DC trip. It may take awhile, but I'm going to do it!

The third day, quite honestly, was not Allison's or my best day. Ok, well, it wasn't my best day. I was incredibly grouchy this day, (of course the pictures don't capture that! best face forward for all those!) and probably didn't make it as pleasant for everyone else. Perhaps to be blamed on a late night out the night before, or really just that I'm more selfish than I'd like to admit. Also, I was really annoyed by the hoards of people at the rally (made for miserable metro rides for one thing)! And just some pretty disgusting things written on the signs. I believe in free speech and all that, but what happened to a little common courtesy? You don't have to be provocative. But this is, after all, America.

However, there were some good highlights this day. We met this blogger at Market Lunch. I felt a little dorky because as you see in the top picture, I am wearing the incredibly cute headband I ordered from her website. She was really sweet and didn't seem at all bothered by us wanting to meet her. Also, the open air market was fun and I bought the sweet ear warmer headband you see me wearing in the other pictures. How often will I be able to wear it in FL? Probably not at all, but it only cost $10 and I thought it was too cute to pass up.

We ended the evening at a Halloween party, then back to the hotel around 1:30 am for some much-needed sleep.

Cool biggest sister Melissa just left to go back to St. Louis.

Growing up has been bittersweet. I used to think I wanted to do great, big things like move away to some far away place. All through college I dreamed of the day I could look up nursing jobs in random cities throughout America and pick the one that looked the best. I used to think that independence sounded so wonderful.

Now I find myself longing for the days when we were all together, when life was simpler, when its greatest pleasure was a Friday afternoon trip to McDonald's after homeschool co-op.

Now I'm on my own, and even being only 15 miles away from my parents I find myself missing family. Even though I still hate Florida heat, even though I still wish I could be near my cousins and aunts and uncles, I don't know if I will ever leave. I think I love it too much. My big dreams in high school and college were just unrealistic and I never really wanted those things.

This week, even though I was not around for much of it, was awesome having our family together again. At home. I wish I could wrap my mind around being a grown up and independent and on my own, but I just want to be a little girl again curled up in bed, listening to Mom reading Little House on the Prairie to us, or Dad singing aloud the words to a book instead of reading them.

I haven't been able to let go just yet.