Fall is coming! Of course there is no real fall in Florida, but to me it has always signified the beginning of the best time of the year. I love everything about it. I love Halloween and all the decorations, I love pumpkin carving, I love cheesy Halloween movies on tv (not scary ones), and once Halloween is over you know the Holidays are just around the corner! Of course, it's still warm in November, but it doesn't dampen our spirits when we celebrate together. We all still put on relatively warm and season-appropriate outfits to celebrate in, get together with the Kerchers (what is Thanksgiving otherwise?) and just have fun. And Black Friday, I hate it and love it. People are such jerks, but if you can keep your attitude positive and not worry about it, it really is a lot of fun (especially if it's followed by breakfast and coffee at Cracker Barrel). And Christmas, even if it is going to be a little sadder once again this year, is still the best holiday of the year!

Pumpkin spice lattes are here at Starbucks! Yum... I've already had two in the last week. I had a good evening of hanging out at Tricia and Alex's yesterday, playing with Aidan and then a trip to Starbucks to talk for awhile afterward. It's great to have friend time. We watched Date Night afterward, and if you haven't seen it you must! It's not the funniest movie of all time, but if you are a fan of Steve Carell that is enough. He is hilarious!

Speaking of which, season 6 of The Office came out yesterday. And season 7 premieres this week. Hope it's a good season!

I work the next two days, then am off for five. Not sure yet what I'm going to do with five days in a row off... I can barely find anything to do with two or three! Hopefully it'll be good though.

I went on a little spur of the moment trip to Orlando this week. It was great! Of course, it included an afternoon/evening in Epcot and the Magic Kingdom (but what would a trip to Orlando be without stopping at Disney?). While I was driving down, I thought about how great it really is that I can do things like that. If only for a night, I'm able to get away for a little "mini vacay" almost anytime that I want to. This time wasn't quite the same since Allison has just moved into her new house and was still getting settled in, but it was nice to be with her and I think we were able to encourage each other during discouraging times.

I'm struggling with a lot of discontentment in my life right now. Wondering, where is God going to take me? What am I going to do for the rest of my life? I feel there is no place of belonging for me right now. Not at church, or at work, among my friends, anywhere, really. I'm wondering how many times can you beat the dead horse, but this is something that seems to be a theme in my life lately. I have struggled with a lot of loneliness in my life, for the want of companionship and friendship that is void.

Big Saturday plans this week? A 3-hour nap! Oh, yeah! That just shows you how exciting my life really is. Of course, I'm tired from work (I feel like that is always the case... but it's true). Yesterday was pretty bad. I hope this week is better. I keep hoping for a good day, but it's been awhile. Somehow though, we get through it.

Life

As I walked into work yesterday, looking at my little nursey reflection in the window to my left, I had butterflies in my stomach-- a pretty normal occurrence for me at 0630 before work. Questions going through my mind are always: "What am I going to get today?" "Will something terrible happen today?" "Will I know what to do?" "Will a doctor yell at me, or will I disappoint my director or myself?"

So, tomorrow at 0630 I will again have those same butterflies, those same questions, and again next week X3 days. I'm not sure when I'll ever feel truly confident. I never know what I will get when I walk through those doors of foreboding up on the floor. Punching in the code to get to the locker room, looping my stethoscope around my neck, I always take a last look in the mirror before going to get my assignment. Am I really a professional? I feel like a joke in those scrubs sometimes. I'm 23 years old... even this week one of the other nurses told me I have such a baby face that I look like a little girl. How can anyone take me seriously? I'm young enough to be some of those doctors' grand-daughter.

Yikes. I've been freaking out a little (ok, a lot) about work lately. Sometimes it hits me like a load of bricks what I've gotten myself into. This week I think it's hit me like a bulldozer and smashed me flat into the ground where I feel like a nothing out there.

Tonight my family wants me to go to the Jaguars game with them. Even though I'm sure I won't get home until well past my bedtime for work in the morning, I think I'm going to go. Gosh, I'm just gonna let loose. I'm going to buy some of those gross nachos (have you recently seen some of the reports on stadium food?), a giant diet coke, and pretend I actually know what's happening on the field. As long as none of the fans spill beer on me, I should be good (if a little bored).

Well, here's to being the insecure, un-confident, full-of-flaws person that I am! Life is always going to throw curve balls. But I'm going to rest in the fact that while life is hard, and not really good, that's how it is. What is it Ecclesiastes 7:14 says- "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider God has made the one as well as the other." Life is full, that is certain. I look at my 92-year-old grandpa and think, how many gains and losses has this man been through in his life? Countless! It's life. And I know my grandpa still believes in God's goodness through it all. I know how much he cherishes life, family, love, because of all he has been through in his life. I think that's what he wants most for his family.

Here's to life- and God who created it all.

I find that I have little to talk about outside of work. On days off, I have almost zero energy for anything besides laying around. Right now I'm sitting on my bed under my comforter, a nice cup of Highlander Grogg coffee on the night stand, with Dr. Oz on as background noise. And it's almost 11 o'clock. Not quite sure how to break out of a routine like this really. It's nice, but I know I miss out on a lot when I do it.

On the news front in my life, I am meeting with a girl today who may be a potential roommate. I hope it works out, I hope that we get along ok. I'm not great at making a good first impression, but hopefully it will be something that works out. In the next month I will be needing to find a place as my current living situation will be changing. One thing I know I can say is that living alone is awful. Especially for an introvert like me.

So, back to work. The last two days were pretty bad. Well, mainly yesterday. Three of my four patients were discharges. You might think discharging patients is easy, and sometimes it is, but all three discharges were absolute train wrecks. Doctors being difficult, then patients being difficult and making ridiculous demands, and still doctors not following through and doing what they should be doing. I've never had such a ridiculous day. Thank God all of them were stable, because I wouldn't have had time to deal with everything else on top of that. All I can say is I'm glad that day is over! I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow, but we'll see.

Well, life continues, just the same as it has. That's a good thing, even if it is boring. There are worse things in life than monotony and boredom. I guess I'll be finding out soon about any changes in my living situation, which is kind of exciting. Hope everyone has a good week!

Savannah

At the River Walk in Savannah, GA-- me glowing a little

We got to eat at Paula Deen's restaurant The Lady and Sons

I just got back from a GREAT two days in Savannah, GA, with the Kerchers and my mom and sisters. What a blast! I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow, but I'm glad that I got to have a fun few days and spend it with family and friends. I did get a couple Eugenia Price books from an antique store, since they don't publish them anymore. We spent yesterday on a trolley tour through Savannah, and an evening on the River Walk, ending the night at the hotel pool. Today we got to eat at Paula Deen's restaurant, which was delicious! It is kind of tedious to get in, because you have to wait in line for a reservation. I think I may have gained about five pounds eating there.

Well, a nice couple of days, but now it's time to get back to reality. I have a bit of a rough work schedule the next week, but will get through it.

A shopping day is one of my very favorite things. Petty and quite materialistic, I know, but buying a new outfit that looks great is just the best ever. If you need a confidence boost, just buying a new top can be so great. And may I just say, that wearing pretty underwear as well can do the same? No one else knows... only you! So buy a pretty pair of undies ladies!

Work, it is going ok. More and more, I'm feeling like a nurse. Though still, my confidence can be at rock bottom and I feel incompetent at times. There are days I look at myself 10 months ago and see how far I've come as a nurse, and then still there are days I see the same wanna-be nurse I was then. Talking to other nurses I know this is normal, but I wish I always felt confident in my decisions and my skills. Just yesterday I was unsuccessful twice in putting a foley catheter in a guy, and felt so down (even though I know nursing is not about skills!)... but when the charge nurse was also unsuccessful, well then I didn't feel so bad. Things I have gotten better at? I'm not afraid of calling doctors anymore (well... not always afraid). There are still times I want a second nurse's opinion before calling a doctor, but I do feel as though I'm learning to know when it is smart to do so. I used to be afraid of asking for specific things from doctors, but not as much now.

Life? Well, it's life! I suppose that's how it goes. I'm looking forward to my trip to DC in a few months. Yeah! I love traveling! Someday I want to be world traveler. I'll need a little more money for that though.

I also look forward to a possible Disney day next week. It's been about 3 months since I've gone. What's up with that, Allison?!

Saturday ended up being one of the roughest days of work I've had in awhile. It started off badly with me feeling sick from the beginning, and it was downhill from there. I was so miserable, I wasn't even able to make it back the next day and had to call out. Yuck. I hate doing that.

But, the last few days have been better. Hannah's birthday is today, so it's been nice to have Allison home for a couple days and spend a couple nights with my family. I didn't realize how lonely I have been until our trip to visit family this month. I realized how much I was just craving to be with people. Lately I've lived almost like a hermit, which is terrible for the soul. And for tonight, chocolate pound cake with home-made whipped cream after a yummy dinner of greasy pizza!

Here are a few photos from our trip:

My grandparents on my dad's side- married 64 years this summer

Driving back from seeing Eclipse with our cousin Rachel

My mom's parents- married 60 years!

A nice evening walk after dinner-- one of many relaxing moments up there

Melissa took Allison and I to Ted Drewes for some of the best frozen custard ever!

This Week

Another week goes by.

I'm thankful for this week. There wasn't really anything spectacular about it, but it was a week. Another week I got to be with family, see old friends, and just be. Work was actually pretty good, not counting last Saturday simply because it was the first day back. But Tuesday and Wednesday were unusually good.

Then on Thursday, I left at 7am to drive down to High Springs to good ol' Camp Kulaqua where Allison was camp nurse. I went there every year for 7 summers from 6th grade through 12th grade. And wow, what memories came flooding back. I honestly didn't think I really missed camp days that much. And I guess I really don't, but it was so awesome to re-live old memories, to walk around and reminisce with Allison about all the shenanigans of those days. I ended up spending the night and coming back this morning. Went shopping with Hannah, and bought a Vera Bradley overnight toiletries bag. And Vera Bradley stationary. Cool, I know.

Well, I work the next two days. Hopefully they will go well.

Somehow I think I have managed to recover from the trip, at least a little. I spent the night with my parents so I could get up to work on my ECG rhythm class. (my computer cord is fried so I have to borrow theirs) That class took me seven hours! I had a headache afterward but was thankful I passed that test on the first try. I know, I know, I've known this was due July 17th for weeks and weeks. Of course I left it for the last day. I did try to log in while I was in Illinois, but it wouldn't work. Turns out I just had the address wrong and if I would have just called work they could have helped me. But it's done, and that's what matters.

I did get some yard work done today, that is a plus. However, less than half-way through mowing the front lawn the mower decided it wasn't going to work anymore. Great.

So, it's back to work in the morning. I guess I'm ready to go back, and hopefully it won't be a terrible day. Eleven days off was definitely JUST what I needed. I was getting to the point of almost hating my job, and that's not good. (who knows, maybe I will by tomorrow night) And let me tell you, vacation did come at a good time for more than one reason. Somehow or other, I hurt my back. Still have never figured out how, but last Thursday morning as I was leaning over the sink washing my face, I randomly felt a sudden twinge in my back. It hurt, and as the day went on it progressively got worse. I literally could hardly walk it was so painful. It went on for about 4 days, and even until yesterday it was still a little sore. There would have been no way I could have worked with my back like that. Today it has not hurt at all, thankfully, so it looks like it got better just in time! I can't pin-point exactly what happened, but I do have an idea and it did involve work. I am so careful with body mechanics to ensure my safety, but we'll just say that sometimes patients exhibit super-human strength out of nowhere, and your back takes the back shelf. (no pun intended)

Anyway, still feeling a little blue from being home after such a wonderful trip. But it is time to get back to reality. Can't live in a fantasy world forever!

My Family

What a great vacation this has been. I'm sitting here at Melissa's house right now by myself, passing the time until I have to leave to return the rental and get a ride to the airport. It has been great, though I'm a little bit ready to go home.

This has been such a great, bitter-sweet trip. Though as I leave I can taste more of the bitterness of it, throughout there were such sweet moments:

Last Wednesday, a walk down the street with my little brother for Sonic blasts. A little old tradition of ours, though this time it did not include cousins, but only siblings. After, a trip to Target with my sisters and dad, and a spur of the moment visit to my great-grandpa's grave-- which it turned out my dad had never even seen. My grandpa (dad's side) has aged considerably since I saw him a year and a half ago, and wow, how bitter-sweet my time with him was. Before we left to go to my mom's side of the family I was so torn up about it. Bitter, it was.

On my mom's side of the family we had a 60th anniversary party for her parents. And let me tell you, that was awesome! Almost the entire family (save for a few cousins who couldn't make it) were there, totaling 71 people including cousins' spouses and great-grandkids. We took the first family picture since the 50th anniversary, and my mom and all her brothers and sisters each read a tribute that they wrote to their parents. There weren't many dry eyes at that point in the day.

And now, I'm back in St. Louis, just waiting for the time to pass a little bit so I can go home. I came back Monday, and have had a good few days here.

This last week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Ranging from elation to be with family to the sadness for the past that is no more-- for the changes (both good and bad) that have come, and will yet come. I felt myself let go a little bit of all that once was. No, we are not the little kids that we once were. I can't come to Grandma's and be a little girl anymore. On this trip, I found myself hating time. Why can't we stop it? Listening to my aunts and uncles tell stories, remember their own childhoods, some of them unable to go on without crying-- and seeing my own life pass so quickly already. Why do we spend so much of our time wishing for time to pass, wishing for the next thing, the next stage of life? Even something so small as wishing it were Christmas, or wishing your vacation were here now, we wish our lives away. Time, that we can never have back again.

I look at both of my grandmothers on both sides, and feel myself like such a small person. I don't feel as though I could ever measure up to the amazing women that they are. But I hope someday I can.

As I leave today, I don't even know when I can come back next. Perhaps a January or February trip, or maybe a spring trip. Christmas is no longer much of an option, which I am slightly ok with, or at least have accepted.

Anyway, this has gotten long and I need to get ready to go. I love my family. I will miss the ones here for sure. I'm looking forward to going home, though not exactly getting back to reality. If I could just stay on vacation forever, wouldn't life be grand? (ha!) Anyway, a great trip it was.

I'm a text book over-packer. My bag weighed in at 54 pounds at the airport. And I realized I have never, ever come under 50 pounds when flying. I paid the extra money to check my bag and here I am! So, so glad to be here. Especially that I don't have to be at work until next Saturday! Yay!!

So far, lots of good times with family. Laughing, remembering, being together. Few and far between these days, but we enjoy it while we have it.

This is what I look like 23 years young. This was last week on my birthday, me enjoying my strawberry daquiri at Olive Garden. And let me tell you, it was delicious!! Allison, Hannah, and Lauren joined me. It was a little group of us, but still special and fun. Afterward we went back to my parents' for some cake, which was pretty fun! Then later that night, Allison and I played Twilight Scene-It (a birthday present from Allison) and dueled Harry Potter spells on our phones. All in all, a good birthday I would say. I've never been one much for people making a huge deal out of me.

Watched the movie Dear John last night. I'm still not sure what I thought of it. I'm not the biggest Nicholas Sparks fan, thanks to The Notebook. Just not the hugest fan.

Life...... I have learned life is very boring. It's boring, very much the same, and that's ok. Even tonight, I'm facing a 0430 wake-up call for work, and wondering where the last few days off went. It seems as if I barely recover from work and it's already time to go back again. I think I am learning to leave work at work on my days off. Seriously, full time work is harder than I ever thought it would be. And knowing that it will last for an indefinite period of time, possibly the rest of my life, really kind of sucks. But when I'm at work, I will be at work. I'm going to work on having a more cheerful spirit, because I have allowed the stress to get to me too often. I'm still learning how not to carry it all so close to my heart, but that will come with time. Or maybe it won't. I just need to accept the stress for what it is, and learn to love it. One of my patients said to me this week, find a job you love and you will never have to work again.

So, though my life is in no way difficult, living day-to-day can be really hard. Loneliness, depression, discontentment-- all those things fight to get the best of me. Sometimes I let them win. It's a daily struggle for me to not sink into their depths, feel sorry for myself, and just exist rather than live. But, tomorrow I will be intentional. I will take it one day at a time. And if I lose the battle, aren't His mercies new every morning? Yes!!!