My Family

What a great vacation this has been. I'm sitting here at Melissa's house right now by myself, passing the time until I have to leave to return the rental and get a ride to the airport. It has been great, though I'm a little bit ready to go home.

This has been such a great, bitter-sweet trip. Though as I leave I can taste more of the bitterness of it, throughout there were such sweet moments:

Last Wednesday, a walk down the street with my little brother for Sonic blasts. A little old tradition of ours, though this time it did not include cousins, but only siblings. After, a trip to Target with my sisters and dad, and a spur of the moment visit to my great-grandpa's grave-- which it turned out my dad had never even seen. My grandpa (dad's side) has aged considerably since I saw him a year and a half ago, and wow, how bitter-sweet my time with him was. Before we left to go to my mom's side of the family I was so torn up about it. Bitter, it was.

On my mom's side of the family we had a 60th anniversary party for her parents. And let me tell you, that was awesome! Almost the entire family (save for a few cousins who couldn't make it) were there, totaling 71 people including cousins' spouses and great-grandkids. We took the first family picture since the 50th anniversary, and my mom and all her brothers and sisters each read a tribute that they wrote to their parents. There weren't many dry eyes at that point in the day.

And now, I'm back in St. Louis, just waiting for the time to pass a little bit so I can go home. I came back Monday, and have had a good few days here.

This last week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Ranging from elation to be with family to the sadness for the past that is no more-- for the changes (both good and bad) that have come, and will yet come. I felt myself let go a little bit of all that once was. No, we are not the little kids that we once were. I can't come to Grandma's and be a little girl anymore. On this trip, I found myself hating time. Why can't we stop it? Listening to my aunts and uncles tell stories, remember their own childhoods, some of them unable to go on without crying-- and seeing my own life pass so quickly already. Why do we spend so much of our time wishing for time to pass, wishing for the next thing, the next stage of life? Even something so small as wishing it were Christmas, or wishing your vacation were here now, we wish our lives away. Time, that we can never have back again.

I look at both of my grandmothers on both sides, and feel myself like such a small person. I don't feel as though I could ever measure up to the amazing women that they are. But I hope someday I can.

As I leave today, I don't even know when I can come back next. Perhaps a January or February trip, or maybe a spring trip. Christmas is no longer much of an option, which I am slightly ok with, or at least have accepted.

Anyway, this has gotten long and I need to get ready to go. I love my family. I will miss the ones here for sure. I'm looking forward to going home, though not exactly getting back to reality. If I could just stay on vacation forever, wouldn't life be grand? (ha!) Anyway, a great trip it was.