A Wonderful Week

I just got back from a wonderful trip to the Midwest to visit family.  My sister Melissa just graduated nursing school, so I flew in the night before her pinning ceremony.  It was a wonderful, wonderful week.  My entire family was there for Melissa's ceremony, and even a few cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandparents made it over!

The next day we headed over to the farm where my grandparents live.  It was just a relaxing time visiting, going to a bridal shower, lots and lots of family time, and a celebration of my grandparents' 65th anniversary.  Let me tell you, these two people are amazing.  I love them with all my heart and am so thankful to have them as my grandparents.  And after 65 years together, they are still in love!  I pray we still have many more left with them.  So many good times to be had yet!

I'm home and am definitely feeling a little (or a lot) homesick for family.  Though I love Spokane, I do miss the family connections and warm familiarity.  After the mess of the past year (as far as my relationship, break-up, and finally beginning the healing process) there was something so comforting in just being with family.  Relaxing on the farm, shared moments of laughter and joy with my grandma, (who is always finding something to laugh about!) long country runs, seeing cousins I haven't seen in years.  It's like while the past year and a half has changed me, grown me, stretched me, challenged me... I still have these roots.

Today I'm sad for the time with family I feel I am missing by living all the way out here.  The thing is, in Florida I didn't get any more time with family in the Midwest than I have while living here.  I suppose it just seemed a trip there was easier when made from Florida.  I definitely want to be more intentional about visiting my family there.  Yes, it's a longer trip and yes, a little more expensive.  And that's not what has kept me from visiting more often.  But life just gets busy and you don't make the time you should for those things.  I'm just realizing how much I really miss being part of family gatherings.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not second-guessing whether or not it is right for me to live here.  I still love my home in Spokane and don't intend on leaving anytime soon.  But I am resolving to be more intentional about getting back for visits and family gatherings.  I do work in a job that provides the time and means for more frequent visits than I have been doing.  Of course life happens and it's hard to make the time, but I will be more intentional about it.

Bloomsday 2015

Bloomsday: Success!

The course itself was a bit more of a challenge than I had expected.  My fast goal was to get 1:10, but realistically I thought 1:15 would be my actual time.  However, once the race started, the combination of trying to get around the slower crowds in the first mile (since I had no prior Bloomsday time, I was placed in the group behind where I probably otherwise should have started) and the dreaded Doomsday Hill (which turned out to be much harder than I was anticipating) made me think that I'd be lucky if I broke 1:20.  So despite the multiple hills and again, losing my stride here and there thanks to inconsiderate runners, I found a pace and just stuck with it.

I didn't time myself so I wasn't really sure of my official time until last night, which was 1:14:39.  I broke my 1:15 goal!  I feel that if I do more hill training, I could probably hit 1:10 next year.  But we'll think about that when the time is closer.  For now I'm just basking in the satisfaction of finishing the race strong.  And maybe looking at when my next race can be.  :)

Training for Bloomsday really was fun.  I mean, not the most exciting thing, of course.  But there really is something to be said for setting goals and meeting them each week.  For me every week of training was a huge accomplishment.  But to finish the race was an even bigger accomplishment.  I can see why people do these races over and over again.

I was exhausted... completely exhausted after that race.  Even today, I just feel like I got hit by a truck.  It amazes me because I've run almost that entire distance three different times in the past few weeks.  I wonder if part of it is the adrenaline of a race, and then the crash.  I'm just laying low today.  I've been cooking a bit since I'm starting a Whole10 to kind of clean up my eating.  Otherwise, just relaxing.  Maybe even a nap.

How is it already May?  I can hardly believe how quickly this year has flown by.  And it has only gotten better with time.

Bloomsday weekend has arrived!  I'm really excited for it.  It's a really big deal out here in the Northwest.  It's funny.  This is going to sound incredibly... snotty.  But I used to chuckle at the things Northwesterners get excited about.  There are not a lot of "big" things to do in this region of the country.  No huge theme parks, no huge sports teams, no giant shopping malls (until you get to Seattle, of course).  This region of the country boasts its beauty in nature... trails, lakes, rivers, mountains...and that's what draws you in and keeps you here.

And so things that get people excited out here are a lot smaller, a lot simpler than back home.  And at first I didn't like that.  People would tell me how amazing something was, and I would find myself disappointed.  But oddly enough, I have grown to love the simplicity out here.  I've found that I don't get bored anymore like I used to.  I'm satisfied with a day spent in the woods hiking.  A simple dinner out with friends.  I just don't feel like I need a lot of entertainment anymore in order to have fun.

I've adopted a much simpler life than what I once had.  But a much more fulfilling one.  I was talking to my sister last night about just how happy I've been in this phase of my life.  I always knew I was unsettled back in Florida, but I don't think I knew how unhappy I actually was.  And I don't want to convey that every single day I am this happy person walking through life.  No, there are some hard days.  And there have been some hard months.  But overall, as a whole... I'm just happy.  Have I ever really been able to say that before?

Anyway, happy May!

Re-Discovery

"She lost him, but she found herself.  And somehow that was everything." -1989

And that's how I sum up the last few months of my life.

I hate to minimize the pain of the loss.  It was loss, it was hard, it was devastating in the beginning.  There were many long, sleepless nights.  Many tears were shed.  Hours spent wondering what went wrong, what could I have done differently.  Was something wrong with me?  I wondered that constantly.

And then I began to heal.  Once I began that process, life began to be in color again.  Yes, I still had sad days.  I didn't stop missing him overnight.  I didn't stop hurting overnight.  And I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't still hurt sometimes.  But life has been full.  I began to pour myself into the things I loved (i.e. running, hiking, yoga, friendships, focusing on myself, my health, nutrition, etc).  I decided to go after the things I was putting on hold for no reason.

I hadn't realized how for months I had been living my life waiting for a boy.  Waiting for him to be ready.  Waiting for him to be part of my life all the time instead of part of the time.  And I'm not that girl.  I've never been that girl.  My life is my own, yet I had allowed it to be taken over by... just waiting.  I had become a shadow of who I used to be.  I hate to admit that, even after the fact.  And I know why I was that way.  And for now, I choose to keep to myself the reasons.

While I love (I mean LOVE) the Northwest, this boy was very much a big reason (though not the only one) that I stopped travel nursing and settled down here.  But in this process of losing him, I have found a home here.  I love it.  I never want to leave.  I've re-discovered the adventurer within myself.  I've made wonderful friends, people who I know will be there for me.  For the first time in months, I've been truly happy.  Fulfilled.  Chasing my dreams.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I've re-discovered myself, the woman I used to be... only a better version of it.

A Journey

So last night, this happened:

I've been working on the crow pose for a few weeks now.  Apart from my regular practice (and I've got the bruises around my knees to prove it!) every night before bed, I have worked on attempting this pose.  Last night something finally clicked and I was able to hold my balance here for about seven seconds.

It's the first arm balance pose I've been able to do.  And even though it might not seem like a big deal, to me it is!  In fact, check out this picture I took of myself almost two years ago to the day:

That's from April of 2013.  Just a month before I really had to examine my life, my health (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc) and make some real changes.  This picture was in the ER back in Florida, after I spent a night in excruciating back pain before having to call EMS because I couldn't even walk out of my apartment with my mom's help to get to a doctor.  This moment was one of the wake-up calls it took for me to take it seriously.  And the girl in that picture probably would have laughed at the idea of practicing yoga.  And most certainly wouldn't have been able to imagine doing the crow pose.

The journey between those two pictures has been a long, hard one.  Little decisions in day-to-day life have gotten me where I am.  Not some huge, drastic over-night change.  It's been baby steps.  Failures.  Trying again.  Injuries.  Learning not to push myself too hard.  And learning kindness toward myself as a result.  And it makes me excited to see where I will be in this journey a year from now, or two years from now.  It's exciting when fitness no longer becomes about aesthetics... because that is NOT what fitness means.

I was given one body for this life.  That's how I look at it.  And I have two choices when it comes to my fitness.  I can be consumed with how flat my stomach is, how toned my thighs are, whether my face is thin enough, my arms lean enough, etc... or I can simply get out there and MOVE!  Enjoy a run with the wind blowing, sun shining... or even a run through the rain, which also happens to be one of my favorite things.  Celebrate the victories of a new PR or finally running the longest distance I have since high school. (seven miles!)  Take a nice long bike ride and enjoy the feeling of freedom it gives me.  Master a balance pose in yoga that I've been working on for weeks.  Recognize my limitations when it comes to where I'm at in my fitness to avoid injury.  Not beat myself up for enjoying dessert and drinks along with wonderful conversation with friends.  I think I know which life I want for myself.

Because that's the life that makes me happy.  That's the life that is free from self-hatred, constant feelings of failure, body-hate, food issues, and more.  It's the life where I feel beautiful and free and completely myself.  That's the journey I want to be on.

Experience

Soon my best friend, Bela, is moving to Wisconsin.  We decided to take one last trip over to Seattle this weekend.  We've made several trips like that before.  And on those trips, as usual, great conversation happens.

They say friends are like your therapist who drinks with you.  This weekend was certainly a form of therapy.  Amazing when you can talk through shit and let go of burdens.  Or even just have a friend willing to help you carry those burdens.

The past several weeks have been incredibly healing.  This weekend certainly pushed me much farther along in that healing process.  Hurts that I was able to finally voice... releasing heartache and anger and mistrust... Knowing that while I may never know the "why" surrounding the past year of my life, I have finally reached a place where I can move on... in fact I have moved on.  And I have reached a place of incredible strength and growth.

"Experience, the most brutal of teachers.  But you learn, my God do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Pretty much sums everything up for me.  Although I know life certainly has many more curveballs to throw at me, today I am in the best place I've been in a long time.  I feel settled, content.  Happy.  Excited for a future that for the first time in a long time, seems bright.

The rhythm and pace of life lately has been nice.  Work, of course, is stressful, but my days off are rejuvenating and relaxing.  I've picked up the pace with my running, getting ready for Bloomsday.  It's my time for myself.  I love it.  Pushing myself to be better, to go farther, to run faster.  I never realized just how satisfying the challenge can be.  

Yoga has become a new hobby of mine as well.  I love yoga because it's a practice.  It isn't about being the best and the strongest.  It's about listening to your body and learning through practice.  It's amazing just how much change I have seen in my body thanks to yoga.  And I'm not talking about how my body looks-- because that's not what yoga is about.  I can't believe how much my flexibility has improved since my practice is more consistent.  My balance has improved.  And I can feel my strength improving with each passing day.  My back handles the heavy lifting at work.  

I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm treating my body the way it's supposed to be treated.  Feeding it for performance.  Pushing it for endurance and strength, not to attain a perfect body.  And allowing treats without guilt.

I'd like to hope that maybe I'm finally turning a corner here.

Worth It

I took care of a lovely lady this week at work.  One of the kindest, sweetest women I've met.  And not only was she kind, but her family was as well.  This was a family that was built on love.  As I was asking her more about herself it came up that she had been married to her husband for 58 years.  Now I watched her and her husband interact, and their love for each other was truly evident.  The care and attention he gave his sick wife was love itself.  Not something you see very often, even with many couples who have been married for decades.  I told her later that evening how wonderful it was to see two people who still loved each other after all those years.  Her eyes just lit up and the biggest smile came over her face, and she told me, "I love him more today than I ever have!"  It almost brought tears to my eyes right there while I was starting an IV on her.

That is the kind of love I am looking for.  I would rather live the rest of my life alone than settle for anything less.  It's worth waiting for.  Being single forever simply isn't the worst thing in the world-- being with the wrong person is.  Chasing someone who won't love you back is.  Being lonely in a relationship is.  And I don't know if I'll ever find the right guy.  It isn't to say I won't date or make efforts, because God knows I am doing that.  I've tasted the bitterness of a broken relationship.  I know what it feels like to not be "quite" good enough for someone.  I've pushed away the red flags, the feelings that something isn't right, and worked harder to make it work only to watch it fall to pieces.  And if there's one thing I've learned, it is to be with someone who loves me exactly as I am, and makes me be the best person that I can be.  And for me to do the same for him.

And the thing is, I have more hope today for this than I ever have in all my years of being single.  I don't feel my heart being hardened towards love, but rather softened.  More patient for the waiting.  I have no regrets because I believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason.  It has a lesson, as hard and painful as that lesson has been.

Life and Healing

Life has been good lately.

I feel very content with things just as they are.  It's been a long time since I've felt this way.  Content.  Settled.  Happy.

The last several months were months of insecurity, questioning, reasoning beyond the reasonable, chasing love that wasn't quite reciprocated, and just very discontent and unhappy as a result.

In all that mess I lost who I was.  I felt like a shell of the woman I had been.  Here I had moved all the way across the country, settled down in an unfamiliar place, and I felt as alone as I ever had in my life.  When I had wanted to feel so settled, I felt like I was in a place where I neither belonged nor was wanted.  I began to believe the lies in my head that said I was unloveable and worth no one's pursuit.  I did end up in a pretty bad place for awhile.  And I was perfectly content to stay there, to be left alone for a good long while.

I'm not going to say that those days don't come.  I have had moments, or an entire day of that kind of sadness here and there.  How do you heal from a broken heart if you don't deal with those feelings when they come?  No, they're a necessary part of healing I believe.  In fact, much of what I have found the hardest is letting go of who I was before my heart was broken.

But I have felt new life and energy these past few weeks.  Slowly, surely, I am coming back to myself. I am learning to be kind to myself on the days that are harder.  And those days are fewer and farther in between all the time.

There is just too much to be enjoyed in this world to let sadness overcome me.  I've found renewal in friendships, long runs, beautiful hikes, sunsets, conversation, practicing yoga, or even enjoying a rainy afternoon in.  I'm excited for what this next chapter brings!

Food Pictures... Yum!

All through my Whole30 I meant to post photos of the delicious foods I was making and eating, but never got around to it.  So here are some lovely pictures of what I've been eating so far on my Whole10!  Keep in mind I'm not one much for editing photos.

West African Chicken Stew

This one is DELICIOUS, and includes sunflower seed butter.  Honestly, I am barely able to eat much of it at a time which really surprised me because I absolutely love how it tastes.  It's just incredibly rich.  Luckily it's pretty dense with chicken so you don't have to eat much to get your animal protein in.

Stuffed Acorn Squash

My favorite!!!  The stuffing includes lean ground beef (pasture-raised, grass-fed) and cauliflower rice. 

This is just the spinach, artichokes, and onions sauteeing for the spinach-artichoke turkey burgers. 

Olive Oil Mayonnaise

I don't ever see a reason to buy mayonnaise at the store again! 

Spinach-Artichoke Turkey Burgers

They taste better than they look, I promise!!! 

Garlic-Dijon Roasted Brussels Sprouts

My absolute FAVORITE vegetable dish so far. 

Breakfast Egg Bake

Bela made this one.  It has ground pork with sausage seasoning, bell peppers, mushrooms, onions, coconut milk, and of course eggs.  It's been great to have all made up and just heat it up quickly after a long night at work. 

Spaghetti Squash Pad Thai

I was actually surprised I liked this one so much.  I like spaghetti squash, but I don't love it.  But I definitely loved this dish and will make it regularly from here on out! 

And just some veggies I roasted up a few days ago.  Nothing like roasted veggies. 

And here is the turkey burger, bun excluded.  On it is the mayo, avocado mashed with lemon juice, unsweetened brown mustard and ketchup, and onions. 

In case you're tired of looking at food photos, I decided to post some from my hike on High Drive a few days ago.  Beautiful views!  And lots of uphill so it was a great workout!  I love where I live! 

^^^Spring is here!!^^^

Being a Nurse

There are times I am very weary of being a nurse.  Not tired of it, not hating it... just incredibly weary.  Stretched too thin.  Moments come when you feel so inadequate.  Like you are making no difference in the lives of your patients.  And not in a self-centered way of making yourself feel good about the difference you're making.  But I mean truly going home at the end of the night and knowing: my patients are better off because I took care of them.

And today, I just don't feel that way.  I feel like I failed my patient.  I had one of the hardest, most horrible events with a patient last night.  And I can't go into details because of HIPPA, but I will just say I walked away from the situation feeling like utter shit.  Feeling unsettled.... uneasy.  It's been a long, long time since I've felt this way.  It shook me up so much I actually had to call out of work for a personal day.  I don't do that.  But I did it tonight.

Usually I can go home and resolve the issue in my mind.  Leave it at work where it belongs.  I couldn't this time.  I spent the remainder of my night carrying it like a burden.  I carried it home with me today, and just couldn't shake it.  I still can't.

This job is hard.  No.  It's worse than hard.  It's IMPOSSIBLE.  It's not just going to work and being stressed all the time because patients and doctors and family treat you like shit.  I have LIVES in my hands, and while I am well aware of that every single day I walk through those doors, there are days that that reality slams into you.  I carry a license, one that I spent four years of college earning, almost six years since then protecting it every day on the job while trying to give the best possible care to my patients... and in the blink of an eye it could be gone.

The thing is, I love being a nurse.  Being a nurse is quite possibly one of the most defining things about me.  But today, I am just so incredibly discouraged and weary.

My Sisters' Visit

The visit from my sisters was so much fun!  I definitely was sad to see them go, as we really had a great time touring, laughing, talking, eating, hiking, running, etc.  It was really nice to have family in town for a bit.

 The first night we went out for froyo after picking Hannah up from the airport!

 After breakfast at Chap's, right before our drive to Portland.

 Good old Multnomah Falls.  Always a favorite of mine on the drive to Portland!

Breakfast at Mother's Bistro! 

 We love the show Portlandia!  This is the store used for the sketch Women and Women First.

Of course a visit to Voodoo Donuts is required. 

Arm exercises before breakfast. 

 Hannah and Allison's first time experiencing the disgusting gum wall.

 The pig at Pike Place.

 Lovely view of the Seattle skyline from Bainbridge Ferry.

 Bainbridge... such a lovely, quaint, quiet little town.

Our first day back after our tiring weekend, we relaxed with some coffee at Rocket Bakery!

 Me and Hannah, preparing supper.  And enjoying wine.

 Hanging out in Coeur d'Alene.

 The beautiful view of the valley from Steven's Creek Trail.

 Hannah, enjoying the view.

I love the Northwest!