Whole30: Day 30!!!!

As my Whole30 ends, I decided to compile a list of all the non-scale victories of the past thirty days.  Because it's so easy to make focus on weight and body fat and all that.  And that just wasn't what I wanted my focus to be going into this.

1. Cooking-- I have learned how to cook!  Yeah, yeah I've cooked before.  But never this kind of food. I never knew I was actually a good cook.  And I learned recipes and skills and tips that I know I'll keep using fora long time to come.  And I have a huge desire now to learn how to cook all sorts of foods.

2. Energy-- Whole30 has taught me how to choose foods that keep me energized instead of dragging.  No sugar cravings (not that I've never wanted something while on this) and therefore no crashes.  I don't find myself dragging halfway through my shift at work like I did in the past.  No bloating either.  Somehow that makes a person feel slow and tired too.

3. Running-- I've seen major improvements in my running in the past thirty days.  I was barely pushing 10:00-10:20 pace miles for the past couple of months.  And shin splints were starting to act up again.  But my times have improved to 9:40-10:00 and shin splints are almost nonexistent!  Not to mention, I've been able to run 5 and 6 miles!  It's been a long time since I've been able to run anything of that distance!

4. Taste-- I feel like I am able to finally taste food the way it's supposed to taste.  When you cut out the processed, refined stuff, you sort of forget what all of that fake food tastes like.  And suddenly real food (that might normally not have tasted all that great before) tastes really good!  And the food I've eaten has been full-fat-- olive oil, coconut oil, beef, pork, chicken, fish, nuts, coconut milk (along with lots of veggies of course).  It goes to show that low-fat diets just don't work.  Of course, I'm not advocating for eating as much as you possibly want of those foods.  All within what is a healthy serving size for a person's body type and activity level.

5. Relationship to food-- my relationship with food has improved vastly.  I have learned how to eat when I'm actually hungry rather than eating because I'm bored, craving something, or because it's time to eat.  And I've also learned what true satisfaction feels like after a meal.  When you're not going through day-to-day life constantly under-nourished, it's amazing how good eating actually feels.  And it feels good to not feel guilty about eating.

So as of midnight tonight (I say that since I'll be at work) Whole30 will officially be over.  As for what comes next for me...

My sisters will be coming into town this week.  And because of that, I don't think I'll be able to keep up with this kind of eating since we will be doing a bit of traveling around and eating out.  My plan after they leave is to actually do a Whole10 to make sure I dial my diet back in and can continue with it a bit more diligently.  But I don't plan on being 100% paleo.  Like I said before, I never want to be really limited in my diet everywhere I go.  I think about that weekend in Seattle and how frustrating that was. I don't want that to be my life.

I consider this past thirty days as all a part of my journey towards a healthier me.  So I know there will still be ups and downs.  Frustrations and discouragement.  And I don't want my entire focus every day to be on what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, what I weigh, etc.  I will do what I need to do to be as healthy as I can be-- in mind, body, and spirit.

Whole30: Day 26!

Well, Whole30 is quickly wrapping up!  The past 26 days have flown by.  I can't believe that in four days it will be done.  I'm happy to say I feel good.  I don't feel like a different person.  No huge, drastic changes in my body (which wasn't my goal anyway).  I feel leaner, more energetic, and running has gotten easier.  And those are all the results I really needed.  My system has been purged of a lot of crap, which is the best part.

Tonight is one last hurrah on Whole30 with my friend Julia.  We plan on making a paleo Greek meal and watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.  I found a homemade falafel recipe I'm going to try out.  We'll see how that goes, since chickpeas is normally the main ingredient in falafels.

In other news, next week my sisters Allison and Hannah are coming to visit for eight days!  I absolutely cannot WAIT!  Nobody has visited me since moving out to Washington.  :(  I'm excited to show them around, and for them to see where I live.  Take them to some of my favorite restaurants.  Show them Portland and Seattle.  It's going to be a fun week and I can't wait.

I need some familiarity and warmth in life for a bit.  Been a rough couple of weeks.  I guess I'm doing ok, or as ok as you might expect at this point.  Been staying as busy as I can to keep my mind occupied, which helps.  For awhile the nights were the worst time for me... when my mind wouldn't settle down.  Thankfully that has improved for the most part.  I still often find myself thinking of all the what-ifs and could-have-beens, but in other ways I find that I've been able to find peace.  It's hard when the right thing is the last thing you really want.  But for now, this is what's right and I've found peace.

That's what's up in my life lately.  Feel pretty good about where I am and where things are going for the time being.  Every day I get up is a gift, no matter what the circumstances are!

Whole30: Day 21

Time is going by quickly and here I am on day 21 of Whole30!  The last few days of this past week were kind of a rough patch for me.  For some reason I was really frustrated with it.  I didn't have any cravings, but kept finding myself thinking about wanting ice cream or just wanting to snack a lot.  Sometimes old habits die hard.  Just goes to show that there's no magic cure for things like that!  It takes time.

Since I have a couple of nights off work, I did some cooking last night and will make a few more dishes today.  And my hope is that will carry me through the end of this week-- and then I'm looking at only another three days after that!  I honestly can't believe how quickly this has gone.

I've said it already, but the best thing I've gleaned from this (besides learning how to eat clean) has been all the cooking.  Turns out I'm actually a good cook.  Who knew?!  Of course it takes time, but I've found that sometimes it's really therapeutic to just spend a day in the kitchen chopping, mixing, stirring, taste-testing with different flavors and spices.  Taylor Swift also really helps a lot too!  Can she just be my best friend already?

Here has been my absolute favorite meal: Stuffed Acorn Squash.  Seriously, it is amazing.  It'll definitely be on rotation weekly from here on out.  My second favorite meal has been Paleo Zuppa Toscana.  Julia made this last week when we cooked together.  I still have one more serving left, and I'm so hesitant to finish it because then it's all gone.  Julia has the Whole30-approved bacon so I won't be able to make it again without special-ordering some from the butcher shop.  So delicious!!!  And one simple recipe I will definitely keep using: Paleo Cauliflower Rice Pilaf.  I actually just make the simple version with the coconut oil, onions, salt, and pepper.  I don't think I'll make actual rice anymore.  Why should I?  It tastes almost as good, has no grains, plus it's an easy (and tasty!) way to get more veggies!

So it's officially been three whole weeks since I've had dairy, legumes, grains, alcohol, (well, that's actually been since New Years!) or added sugar or sweetener.  I've eaten mostly organic fruits and vegetables.  Grass-fed meat, free-range organic eggs.  I never thought I could eat like this and actually enjoy it.  And feel good.  Honestly, I don't feel like a whole different person.  I've certainly noticed that my running has gotten a bit easier, my shin splints have vastly improved, and my times have gotten much better.  I sleep better.

I still don't know exactly what direction I'll be taking next week.  I'd like to stick to a mostly-paleo diet from here on out.  I don't ever want to be over-the-top strict with myself.  Before this started, I felt like my healthy eating was 80/20, but honestly it was probably more like 70/30.

I know that this is another milestone for me though.  Two years ago at this time, my diet consisted of mostly processed carbs, fast food.  I rarely cooked and if I did, it was mostly pasta.  I was overweight, sedentary, and very unhealthy.  I felt like shit all the time.  The past two years have been a long, uphill journey to get my health under control.  I believe that lifestyle change comes slowly, not overnight and I'm a testament to that.  I still consider myself having a long way to go, but this is just another step in the right direction for me.  I'll write more on that another time though.  Today I'm just happy to have a better relationship with food.

More Thoughts on Whole30

I think one of the most important factors for me in my Whole30 journey has been doing it with a friend.  My friend Julia was the one who first mentioned it to me on New Years Eve.  When I heard about it, I thought it sounded like a huge challenge, but told her I thought I was interested (hm... looking back, this was probably two or three drinks into the night...).  We had planned to start on January 22.  Suddenly that day was only about a week away and I realized I hadn't done any planning, or even read the book yet.  I knew I couldn't just jump right into Whole30 blind.  It was becoming apparent that you have to be very intentional about doing this.

So we set our start day for February 2.  I read the book, did my research, collected recipes.  I was VERY overwhelmed, but knew I had committed to this and I was going to do it.  I spent a day cooking a bunch of recipes (a MUST, especially if you work long hours).

February 2 rolled around uneventfully.  I woke up, made some eggs with avocado over spinach, and drank some water.  It didn't feel hard, of course, because it was only the first meal.  I went for a run, took a nap, and later that night ate my dinner.  It was at work that the headaches began... and I knew it was from the lack of processed carbs and sugar.  I already was regretting the decision.  But a cheerful text message from Julia, excited that we had completed our first day, and suddenly it didn't seem so hard.

We work together, so we've shared meals, exchanged meals, and last week even spent the day cooking together.  This made a HUGE difference for me because I had reached the burn-out point for all that cooking.  Honestly, I feel like if I could cook each day what I need it wouldn't be so bad.  But the long hours I work mean that I have to prepare a lot of food ahead of time, especially if I want there to be variety.  I did that twice by myself, and just reached a point where I was frustrated and tired of it.  So doing it with a friend, music turned up... it was so much better than doing it alone!  Plus it's just fun to do anything with a friend, so it's win-win!

I'll admit, today I'm actually pretty frustrated with it.  Not exactly having a good day.  So it isn't all easy and awesome (well, it's never actually been "easy" per se).  I am starting to get a little bit tired of not being able to have ice cream or bread or even a damn tablespoon of half and half in my coffee (especially considering the circumstances... it would kind of make me feel better right now).  But I'm reminding myself, thirty days just isn't that long of a time.  It's really not!  And I've already made it more than half-way through, which at the beginning seemed pretty insurmountable!

You never know what's going on beneath the surface.

I feel like I'm functioning tonight at half-capacity.  I'm here, but I'm not really present at times.  I laugh and smile on the outside... and while most of the time I do feel fine, many times I feel like I am crumbling on the inside.  What you see is me barely keeping it together.

It's memories that haunt me.  The remembrance of something we laughed at together, or our long conversations... where so much was shared.  The memory of his smile when he looked at me... does the pain of remembering ever really go away?  Will I wake up some day, cured of this sadness?  I suppose I will.  I'm told I will.  Even the last time we talked... he told me, "I know that someday we are both going to be very happy."  And I believe that, I have to believe it for both of us.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not living in a black cloud of sadness all the time.  Like I said, life has to go on.  I can't simply stop functioning.  And I've discovered strength this week that I never knew I had.  Letting go of something I wanted so hard to hold onto was the hardest thing I've ever done.  Trusting in God's purpose for why this happened is really hard.  My friends and sisters have proven themselves the best and most loyal of friends... supporting me and holding me up when I'm at my lowest.

Maybe someday I'll see and understand the reason for all of this.  I'm hopeful, I really am.

Whole30: Day 15!

Life goes on, despite our circumstances and feelings.  I'm working on moving beyond what cannot be changed... but in the meantime the everyday mundane-ness continues.

I am now on day 15 of my Whole30 experience.  After today ends, I will officially be halfway through!  Yeah!!!

Honestly, it hasn't been nearly as hard as I was expecting.  Like I said, the first few days were a bit difficult.  And there have been moments of frustration since then.  But I think the first key to a successful Whole30 is 100% commitment.  You have to go into this knowing you are not going to cheat once for 30 days.  Most fad "diets" encourage cheat meals or days, or they're so depriving and limiting that you're almost powerless to resist cheats.  But this?  Combine the commitment to not cheat with the fact that you actually won't really have cravings, and it's much easier to be successful.

So in the past two weeks, I've definitely learned a lot.  I've learned how to eat real food.  I've learned how to cook better, tastier food than I ever have before (and I've actually learned how to taste food!).  I've learned what true fullness feels like.  For the first time in my life, my brain actually receives the signal of satisfaction from my stomach.  I've also learned, however, that I couldn't live 100% this restrictive in my daily life.  I went to Seattle yesterday, and found myself increasingly frustrated by the lack of options in choices at restaurants.  I had to question what every food was cooked in.  Order my burger with a lettuce wrap (I'm sorry... but that just doesn't cut it).  Staff didn't understand what I was asking for... when I asked for good paleo options around town, we were given the name of vegan restaurants.  By this time I was starving and very frustrated.  I only stuck to it because I made this 30 day commitment.

However, I know that the way I eat will be forever changed.  I do plan on following many of the guidelines outlined in Whole30.  And that's the point.  They don't make this plan to be followed 365 days of the year.  I don't know yet what my diet will look like after the next 15 days is over.  I know it won't be this restrictive, but it will look much different than it did 15 days ago.

The 2nd key to a successful Whole30 is do it with a friend!  I'll write more on that another time.

Alone.

I am sad.  Today I am here to say: I'm not ok.  I will be ok, but today I'm not.

This week I had to say goodbye to someone I love very much.  I had to end a relationship that I did not want to end.  It was the hardest choice I have ever had to make.  My heart is broken.  I am broken.  I wish it didn't hurt so much.  Why--when I have made this choice-- does it have to hurt so damn much?!  In fact there were no hard feelings.  No angry words exchanged.  Just the sadness of what could have been.

My heart feels empty and I feel alone.  I know right now that sounds so emo, but it's truly how I feel.  I've been thinking a lot about love.  How we humans are created to love.  Created for connection, passion, lifelong commitment.  And so to be torn away from that is so unnatural.  It is so painful.

I will hold on to the good memories.  Because there are so many.  I will never forget the way he made me feel.  How I felt so at home and at peace in his arms.  To love and be loved back... it's the best feeling in the world.  And to say goodbye to that is equally the worst feeling in the world.

It's the worst feeling in the world.  And the loneliest.  I know that someday the sun will come out and I will be happy again.  But that day isn't today.  I have hope for that day, I have hope for the future, and I have hope for what is to come.  But today is sad.  And today I feel alone.

What Next?

Do you ever sometimes just look at your life and wonder, what comes next?

While I enjoy each day for what it is, I have certainly found myself wondering this.  In my job I have gone just about as far as I'm going to without grad school.  I have felt this way before, but not since my old job back in Florida.  Travel nursing provided a good and awesome distraction from that feeling, but now that I'm established in my current job it feels very... dead-end.

Been thinking really seriously about my professional future.  I look at what I'm doing now.  It's great work, I love it.  But if in twenty years this (i.e. floor nursing) is all I have to show for a career, that will be very depressing.  Not that this work doesn't have a purpose.  Don't get me wrong in what I'm saying here.  But I have begun to have a restlessness about me and I don't know what the answer is right now.

So if you are one who prays, I need serious prayer right now.  For that and for other things in my life.  I need guidance.

Feeling this way sucks.  It may be a fleeting feeling, but I don't think it is.  And I don't really know what the answer is.

Whole30: Day 5

Day five of Whole30 is wrapping up.  So far, it hasn't been quite as bad as I had thought it would be.  I'm pretty sure having mostly-healthy habits before probably made a difference.  I mean, I didn't go from McDonald's to Whole30 y'know?

The first day I definitely felt it.  I had to work that night, so I spent more than half the night with a headache.  Which I am fairly certain was the lack of processed carbs.  They have become a bit more of a staple in my diet lately.  The next day, I felt a fog just sort of settle over my brain.  It was weird.  Of course throughout all of this I was experiencing cravings.  But come the third day... and that increased! I wanted anything with processed carbs-- bread, crackers, chips, I didn't care.  Thankfully the fourth day that all seemed to stop.  I started to feel pretty good.  And it's continued today as well, so I'm hoping that it's here to stay.  We'll see.  They say the first seven is the hardest, and once you hit day 10 you're coasting.  We'll see.

I love that this has expanded my palate.  I'm not one to be adventurous with trying new foods or cooking.  This has really broadened my horizons.  I'm actually really enjoying cooking and experiencing with different foods.  I bought the cookbook Well Fed, and that has been a lifesaver!  So many delicious recipes, that I don't feel deprived in the slightest!

I'm not sure yet if this way of eating could be a way of life for me.  At least this extreme.  But it's really good to eat clean and feel good because of the food I'm eating.  I definitely think that it will change how I eat for good, but not necessarily so drastically.  I don't ever see myself cutting out dairy for life, y'know?  And I don't ever want to be that person in the restaurant making the server go through a detailed description of ingredients.

But we'll see.  For now, I just feel really good and I'm enjoying that aspect of all this.  Just hoping it stays this way!  I'll check back in periodically on how things are going.

Whole30

I am always striving to be as healthy as I can be.  Sometimes I fail at it, and I try not to beat myself up about it.  I think that we should go easy on ourselves, be forgiving of ourselves, and simply learn from those experiences.  As I said yesterday, this past year was a huge learning experience for me.  A very hard one at that.

I am here to say that starting next week, I will be doing Whole30.  I want to iterate that I am not doing Whole30 as a means to diet.  Not at all.  I honestly want to clean up my eating, find out how certain foods affect me negatively, and still eat my favorite foods, except within moderation.  Yes, for 30 days I will be very limited in what I can eat, but those 30 days are about learning how your body feels off of those foods (grains, legumes, sugar, alcohol, dairy).  And then learning how your body reacts as you re-introduce them.  From there I will decide how much and how often I will want those foods in my diet.

Like I said, it's not about a diet.  I am very much eager to be the very best version of myself that I can be.  I want to be stronger.  I want to feel healthy and alive every day.  I want to be the best I can be mentally, emotionally, physically, and the food we eat has such a strong effect on that.  I also have had psoriasis since I was 9 years old, and am quite curious as to how certain foods I eat may or may not worsen the condition.  Yeah, I realize that I will probably become leaner throughout the process, and that's definitely a positive.  But that's not my main focus.  I will not be restricting calories or portion sizes.  I plan on eating when  I am hungry and eating until I'm not hungry anymore.

And through this process, I will be compassionate toward myself.  There will be trial and error, I am sure.  Yes, the 30 days is pretty restrictive in that you can't cheat because you have to get yourself off of those particular foods.  So I am pretty dead set on following the plan.

I just wanted to write it down that this is what I am doing, so I can be held accountable to actually starting it.  I will be doing it with one of my good friends at work, so the accountability with her will be good as well.  We've already talked about taking turns bringing in lunch for work so that we each don't have to pack a lunch every day.  I'm very excited, even if I'm dreading this a bit as well.  I frequent my favorite bakeries at least once or twice a week if not more... and I certainly do love my sweets.  And eventually I may reincorporate those things but much less frequently.

Anyway, meal planning is in the works right now... wish me luck!

It's so hard to believe that in just a few days, I will have been in Spokane for a year.  So much good has come out of living here.  I have experienced personal growth and maturity, made so many new friends.  I have become a lover of the outdoors... once upon a time, I didn't really like being outside.  But I think I just lived in the wrong place all these years!

One of my very favorite things about the Northwest is the focus on activity and outdoors.  It's fairly easy to find yourself being active without trying too hard.  Part of that is because there isn't as much to do out here like there is back home.  But I have loved becoming a much more active, healthier person as a result!  I love it!

In this past year, I have also battled a struggle with an eating disorder.  I think I've mentioned it before, but I found myself, starting last spring, binging.  And doing it quite often.  As I became less active due to some injuries, the episodes began to increase.  It was really hard.  I felt out of control, I gained back a lot of what I had worked so hard to lose, and I just felt ugly and disgusting.  It's sad because one of the only things I think about when I remember my trip to Hawaii in September, is how incredibly fat and ugly I felt.  And I'm ashamed to admit that, because I work so hard to keep thoughts like that out of my mind.  Food became a vice for me, though it wasn't something I really enjoyed anymore.  Often times when I ate, it didn't really feel like a choice... it felt like the food was controlling me.

I have now gone about three months without a binge.  I don't consider myself having kicked whatever this is (I don't know if you can really call it a full-fledged eating disorder in my case... but maybe it is).  But I have found myself in a much better place with regards to food.  Yeah, sometimes I still eat too much on occasion.  But believe me when I say, there is a huge difference between a binge and overeating.

It feels good to put it out there that this is a struggle for me.  I felt like I had to hide it for a long time, even though I am very close to so many who have had the same struggles.  It made me feel like such a failure to have fallen prey to this, when I've tried so hard not to.

Life has had an odd, very off rhythm lately.  Ever feel like you're just stuck in this vicious cycle?  It's kinda where I'm at.

I've been caught the past several weeks in a lot of long stretches of work, with long (seemingly endless) stretches of days off in between.  A cycle of extreme, chaotic stress followed by exhausted, lethargic, endless days.  Not that I'm complaining to have many days off, but unless I have someone visiting or am going somewhere, it just isn't worth it to have all that time off.  It's like I'm going, going, going... then crash and burn for several days.

It's been rough.  Coupled with the short daylight hours (and probably the recent holiday season away from family), it's triggered a lot of anxiety, feelings of uselessness, depression, low appetite, and extreme insomnia.  Life itself isn't bad, but I myself have not been doing too well.  I'm not trying to present this as a way to complain or make people feel sorry for me, nor am I crying out for help.  I still have a good head on my shoulders and am definitely learning how to deal with this in various ways.  It isn't completely debilitating.  But it certainly is exhausting and a very real struggle.  Perhaps more on it another time.

However there have been many positives as well.  I have made some pretty great friends along the way, and begun attending a church out here that I think I am going to love.  My shy and somewhat awkward personality upon first meeting, coupled with my anxiety makes meeting new people tough.  But I'm putting myself out there, meeting people, and doing my best to keep busy.  I am planning some days coming up to learn how to ski here soon, (totally ready to embrace this winter weather!) and still doing my best to get out and run despite the weather.  A back injury has kept me laying low this week, but I am hopeful to be up and running soon.

So, there are some adjustments to be made... some days are good, and some days are bad.  But I'm finding that I'm loving Spokane and feel very content here right now.  Ready and excited for more adventures, and to see what's next!