You never know what's going on beneath the surface.

I feel like I'm functioning tonight at half-capacity.  I'm here, but I'm not really present at times.  I laugh and smile on the outside... and while most of the time I do feel fine, many times I feel like I am crumbling on the inside.  What you see is me barely keeping it together.

It's memories that haunt me.  The remembrance of something we laughed at together, or our long conversations... where so much was shared.  The memory of his smile when he looked at me... does the pain of remembering ever really go away?  Will I wake up some day, cured of this sadness?  I suppose I will.  I'm told I will.  Even the last time we talked... he told me, "I know that someday we are both going to be very happy."  And I believe that, I have to believe it for both of us.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not living in a black cloud of sadness all the time.  Like I said, life has to go on.  I can't simply stop functioning.  And I've discovered strength this week that I never knew I had.  Letting go of something I wanted so hard to hold onto was the hardest thing I've ever done.  Trusting in God's purpose for why this happened is really hard.  My friends and sisters have proven themselves the best and most loyal of friends... supporting me and holding me up when I'm at my lowest.

Maybe someday I'll see and understand the reason for all of this.  I'm hopeful, I really am.