I am sad to be away from family for Christmas this year.

But after saying goodbye to my family tonight before they drive up north tomorrow, I was listening to Christmas music in my car on the drive home. And I was thinking about how Christmas has sort of been stripped down to the bare essentials this year. If even that. But how I have enjoyed the simplicity of that for once. No non-stop Christmas parties, no eating too much food that you're hardly enjoying it... Just overall, drama free.

I'll be working until early Christmas morning, and I'll sleep a little after. Allison will be coming up since she is also stuck in Florida thanks to work. I don't know yet what exactly is planned. Listen to Christmas music, maybe go eat a Christmas dinner somewhere that it's served, see the Hobbit. Simple. We won't be alone, which is what matters.

I love my family, but I am looking forward to a simple Christmas this year. Something I've never really had before.

I got to have Christmas with my family this week before they leave for Illinois without Allison and me. It was fun.

Allison bought me... a Diana camera! I have eyed them for awhile but never knew where to buy one. Anyway, perhaps this makes me a hipster now? Or prepster as I like to call myself, since my style is a mix of those two.

My computer has bit the dust now. I got the blogger app in my phone, but it isn't much good since it still takes twice as long to type anything. Anyway, it'll be a while before I can buy a new computer. Rats. Oh well, there are worse things!

My new, most favorite Christmas tradition ever!  Michael Buble's Home for the Holidays!  I have been a fan of Michael's for a good eight years now, long before he was such a sensation.  This was his second Christmas special, and tonight he referred to it as annual.  So... a new tradition has been born, I hope.

In the fast-paced world, it is nice to have something so simple to look forward to as a Christmas special where you can just sit back and watch your favorite performer sing your favorite Christmas songs.  I swear, at the end when he sang "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," he was singing directly to me.  Ok, so maybe that sounds a little cheesy but it really was a fun special to watch.

I don't have much to look forward to about Christmas this year, but the nostalgia of it all has been my friend.  I try not to spend a lot of time thinking about the "good old days" (try, being the key word- sentimentality is something I fall prey to very easily) but at this time of year you kind of can't help it.

It seems like I can't hear a Christmas song without tying some memory to it.  I decided to write down some of them, if only for the therapeutic value for myself.

I've always loved Christmas.  Since I can remember as a young girl, it has been the one day of the year that I look forward to more than any other.  As I have gotten older, I've realized in large part that was because of Grandma and Grandpa.  They made Christmas what it was.  I took it as a given in those days, not realizing I would not always have that.  And, for a child, that's good.  But as an adult, I still miss it.

When we visited Grandma and Grandpa for Christmas, in the early days we would get there as early as December 17 and stay through Christmas day.  So our Christmas celebrations happened throughout the week, each one as good as the last.  We lived life with Grandma and Grandpa during those times, going to church with them (where we often would sit with Aunt Georgia and Uncle Dick- which, after reading Grandpa's diaries years later, he didn't always appreciate because then people thought we were their grandkids), grocery shopping with them (at Slop'n'Shave... I mean Shop'n'Save), helping in the kitchen, and taking walks to visit the cousins down the street. 

I hate to say it, but my heart really does ache for days like those.  I realize the reality that things will never be the same and that's simply the way it is.  I know I'm an adult in my 20s and should be well beyond yearning for the Christmases of my childhood.  But I'm not and I miss it, and it does help me to remember.  I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, because there's nothing to feel sorry for about it.  It is what it is, it's just part of growing up.

Four years ago, the last Christmas I spent with both of my grandparents, I wouldn't have imagined that at this time this would be how I spent Christmas.  Of course, I didn't know how long we would have Grandpa, because he was already in his 90s, but I never could have imagined Grandma would be gone as well.  It's just crazy how much things can change.

I hadn't anticipated how sad Christmastime would make me this year.

I really, really miss my grandparents at this time of year.  I just want to be able to drive up there on the 20th, sleep at their house, eat around the dining room table with all of the ones I love, candles in the middle of the table, with laughter and the warmth of togetherness.  I want to hear Grandma laughing, Aunt Georgia exclaiming how "loverly" everything is, Grandpa saying the dinner prayer that always went on for too long.

I want to sit at their kitchen window watching snow fall outside.  I want to drink green punch and eat party pizzas at the Christmas Eve party.  I want to go to Peck Hall and have the family parties we always did.

I love the memories, but they make my heart ache.  I don't know why.  Usually when I remember my grandparents I'm not sad anymore.  But maybe it's the time of year and knowing that I'll be by myself for Christmas this year that hurts the most.  Christmas has always, always been my favorite time of year.  But I don't know if that's the case anymore, at least not quite as much as it used to be.  Last night I watched Rudolph, and it really made me sad.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of Grandpa dying.  A lot, a lot has changed since then.

So sorry for the sad post today.  Sometimes you just miss people and you can't help but be sad, and that's how I am today.

Mickey's Very Merry Christmas

The new Little Mermaid ride.  Nostalgia... gotta love it.

Allison waiting for our table at Be Our Guest Restaurant

You can't see it very well, but that is the Beast's castle behind me.  They call it "The Master's Castle"

Be Our Guest Restaurant.  Loved it.

We got to hang out with my cousin Peter and his wife, Heather.  It was a lot of fun!

Cinderella's Castle all decked out in Christmas lights.  Beautiful!

Yesterday I had a reunion with my best nursing school (really, one of my best ever!) friends Bela.  We became friends on the first day of orientation when we happened to be in line together at the cashier's office, along with another friend Tatyana.  We ended up sitting together the rest of that day at orientation, and became inseparable for the next two years.  I remember our first conversation being about our faith, and being so glad to have met a friend who shared the same beliefs that I did.  It turned out she was living with her aunt in the same town I was, and we decided to carpool together as well.  Those car rides were what solidified our friendship over the next few weeks, but due to her propensity for not being *quite* as early as I was, we decided to not ride together anymore.

The first time I remember really feeling comfortable with her was that we had to park in the farthest parking lot from the campus.  We both bought the cheapest parking passes.  And we got these books in these huge boxes that we had to carry out to our cars, and couldn't stop laughing because they were so heavy and we could hardly carry them.  I was so glad to meet someone who laughed at something so silly with me.

It isn't often that I, as an introvert, meet someone who is so accepting of me and some of my personality quirks.  She really brought me out of my shell in a lot of ways, and has ended up one of my best friends for life.  Even though we don't see each other that often, when we get together it's like we can just pick up where we left off.  This time we have decided that we won't let so much time go by in between seeing each other.  But it is just good to know that you have friends like that.  

Catching up last night was really great.  Probably one of the most refreshing evenings I've had in awhile.  Just having someone to listen to, and you can listen back.  Here's hoping that we have more time in our busy schedules to hang out!  She only lives an hour and a half away.

Also... please excuse the horrible sense of style I had in college.  I was poor and had no money for things like clothes.  But I had a lot of fun!

Why I don't hate my body anymore

This picture was taken for the sole purpose of seeing how a new pair of jeans looked on me.  Not intended for anyone to see, but today I was thinking about body image (again- I know) and how angry it makes me that we allow society to tell us whether or not we are beautiful based on the size of our hips, waist, bust, etc, and each one's proportion the other.  So I'm showing this because I'm not ashamed of my body.

Why don't I buy into that crap anymore?  Well, I'll tell you.  It makes me depressed, angry, self-hating, sad.  When I start to focus on my body and what I can "fix" about it, then I begin to see more and more things that I hate about it.  I've realized that I can choose to love my body.  It doesn't mean I think it's perfect, because it isn't.  It doesn't mean I eat whatever the hell I want (although most people who know me well, know that I choose not to diet either) and not care at all what I look like.

I do care about what I look like and how I present myself to the world.  But I do it in a way that I am happy with.  I don't need to be a size 6 for a man, for my parents, for my friends, or my sisters.  I don't need to prove to anyone else that I can "be something" by forcing my body to fit a specific standard.

I've been told with my height, this is easier for me to do than others.  And maybe that's true.  But I would argue that being tall is, in and of itself, an entirely separate issue that has nothing to do with my size or shape (and at times adds to body insecurity).

I don't owe it to anyone to look a certain way, or be a certain way.  I do owe it to myself to love me.  And to treat my body well and take care of it.  And I do.  I may not be a marathon runner or the most in shape person of the year, and I know that's something I need to work on for me.  But I love myself, my body, and the things that it can do.  To any of the ladies (or guys) reading this, try doing the same for yourself.

Well, I didn't follow through very well on my month of thankfulness.  But then again, I didn't promise there would be many posts about it so...

The week was a good one.  Tiring, but good.  Melissa got in on Wednesday night.  She came back and spent the night with me at my apartment that night, and the next morning I made my apple pie.  Allison drove up that morning and we all went to the Kerchers' for Thanksgiving dinner.  It was delicious!  Of course, the day included a traditional walk. 

Friday morning Allison, Melissa, Hannah, and I went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast and then out to do some Black Friday shopping.  For the first time in years, I didn't walk up before the crack of dawn to wait in line.  It just didn't work out this year that way, but it was ok.  I made a few good purchases.  Even waited in line at the Loft to make a purchase with Allison.  But I got an awesome sweater that was totally worth it!  We put up our family's Christmas tree that night.  Saturday morning we ate breakfast at Manatee Cafe, which was delicious.  Allison and I walked around St. Augustine a little bit taking pictures.

That night I put up my own little Christmas tree in my apartment!  It's a small, 4.5 foot tree, but it is just perfect for my little apartment.  I am happy with it.  I had maybe ten ornaments of my own and decided to buy a few cute ones to add to the collection as well.  Hopefully someday there will be many more to add to it, but for now I have enough.

I'm not really into the Christmas spirit this year like I usually am.  Christmas has lost a lot of its "magic," or whatever you call it.  I'm still loving the Christmas music and the lights and all that, but something about it this year has lost its allure.  Hopefully I'll find some of that at some point.  In the meantime, Happy Christmas Season!

Thankful for my Grandparents

Even though I miss my grandparents terribly, even after two years, this week I have found myself so thankful for the love and support I had in my life because of them.

I took care of a dying 93-year-old man this week.  I was on death watch the night I had him, though he did not pass for another couple of days.  I walked into the room at one point to see his daughter with her head on his shoulder, stroking his face, and crying.  I haven't broken on the job in a long time, but this time I did.  I had to go sit in the bathroom for a little while and just cry.  It isn't often that happens at work.  I'm usually very good at keeping myself emotionally distant from patients and their family.  You have to.  You can't cry at work every day.

But ever since then, I've had Grandma and Grandpa on my mind.  That along with the time of year--being near the anniversary of Grandpa's death as well as the memories that Christmas brings so fresh-- really got me thinking about them a lot.  I do feel sad when I think of them, but it is only a sadness with a tinge of happiness.  Happiness because I have no sad memories of my grandparents.  Sure, they weren't perfect.  But what a strong, positive influence they had on my life.

I don't want this post to be sad.  I simply want to remember the two wonderful people I called Grandma and Grandpa for 23 and a half years.  I imagine what I would say to them today if they were still here.  I know what they'd say, or at least Grandpa- go out and find yourself a husband.  Always predictable... but he only wanted to know that I was loved and looked after.  Frustrating as those conversations got, I miss them.  You could always count on a sweet hug from Grandma, telling you how much she loved you, always with the emphasis on love.

I'm thankful that they were mine.  I like to think that in some way, they can still see me.

Thankfulness

Lindsey had a great couple of posts on her blog on thankfulness, so I thought, why not join in?  Instead of doing it on facebook, I decided I'll just do it on my blog.  It won't be daily, and maybe this will be the only post about it, but why not talk about the things I'm thankful for?  There are many.

1. I'm thankful for my job.  Cliche, I know, but really! In this economy and with so many people out of work, I really am lucky to have a stable job and be able to support myself.  Even when I don't always love it, I am thankful for it.

2. I'm thankful for my little apartment.  After a year of living with roommates I just didn't click with, having my own place has been pure awesomeness.  With that, I'm thankful for my kitty.

3. I'm thankful for cool weather.  Has this weather been awesome or what?!  I remember many a hot November in years past, and it really has been nice to have some cool weather this time of the year.

Cleveland: A Week of Fall-tastic Fun

On our first night there, we decided to take a trip to Target. We especially enjoyed browsing through the Halloween section.

Day 2: Fall foliage!  As a Floridian, this is something I rarely see.

Me, enjoying the scenery on our hike.

Lindsey's grandpa told us about this awesome place called Gervasi Vineyards.  Yes, this  is in Canton, OH.  Beautiful, isn't it?  Complete with wine-tasting and dinner at the bistro, it was an awesome experience!  Thanks, Mr. Grandpa Glorioso!

I took a picture with fall colors every chance I could get.

Day 3: A visit to Amish country!  It wasn't everything I hoped for, but I did get to see some Amish people.  The Amish guy using a leaf blower made the experience- we were trying to figure out how he justified that when they aren't supposed to use modern technology.

On our way back from Amish country, we passed a pumpkin patch.  And, since we don't have *actual* pumpkin patches in FL, we had to stop!

Before our pumpkin carving.

The finished product.  Lindsey's on the left, mine on the right.

Day 4: I got to see one of my oldest friends, Sarah Micklewright!  It was awesome catching up.  She came with us to a rainy fall fest, one of the coldest days I was there.  See, even the Clevelanders were cold on this day.

Here we are again!

We had to take pictures here... what are friends for if not being huge dorks together?

We went to Trader Joe's to pick out our perfect pumpkins.

Our pumpkin family.  Sarah's, the one on top with the monocle, is still my favorite.  Mine are the bottom left two... the simplest ones, but they do look happy, don't they?

Day 5: After dinner with Lindsey's family because her sister was in town, we took the train downtown to Cleveland and walked around seeing the sites.  It was also freezing this day.

The tower.

Day 6: A trip to the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame and Museum!  Necessary picture with a guitar out front, of course!  I picked this one because it reminded me of palm trees in FL.

Me with the Rock Hall

And, it's time to go home.  I'm sorry I didn't take any pictures the last day... but I did take pictures on the plane when I left.  This is flying over Lake Erie toward Chicago.  Bye, Cleveland!

And to end my trip on a high note, I ran into my sister at the Chicago airport!  Surpised?  It wasn't as random as it sounds, but still, it was about as random as it could possibly get in an airport like that.  She was on her way to India, and that morning texted me to tell me she'd be in the O'Hare airport.  Lo and behold, so would I!  She sat with me at my gate (her layover was much longer than mine) until I boarded my plane.  We laughed a lot and had fun, and I think people around us were quite amused.  Allison looks quite fresh in this picture, just embarking on her great international ventures, and I look quite gnarly as I am exhausted from a week of touring.

Ah, friends... for me, the word "friend" is not one I use lightly.  I've never considered myself a person with friends in great quantity, but one with friends in great quality.  Unfortunately, many of them have lived long distance and so I don't get to see them often.  Lindsey is a friend that even if we don't talk for months, can just pick up where we left off the last time.  Sarah, one of my first friends, has been awesome to re-connect with.  We hadn't seen or spoken with each other in years, yet we randomly reconnected when she happened to live in the same city as my other friend!  Now both of them hang out without me... but it's ok, I forgive them.

To the good times!