I haven't ever been the most sociable person around.

But I think Blogger has become too much of a friend to me recently. Blogger, certainly you listen to what I have to say. I know you won't judge me, even if the eyes that read this blog do. You let me complain and vent about a bad day, and you listen when I talk about nothing. I have a hard time being friends with people, but not you, because you aren't even a person. But, Blogger, you can't replace a true friend. Why can I tell you so much, yet when sitting face-to-face with a real live person have so little to say? Why do I fear the judgment of people?

Honestly, I have always been a person who simply expresses myself best in writing. Not to say I am a good writer, because I'm not. But I spent much of my childhood writing letters to my cousins, my friends far away, my grandparents, etc. And I think that is wonderful, and that communication through writing is one of the best forms there is or ever will be. My opinion will never change about that. But you can't do it all the time.

I'm not the quickest person you will ever meet, or as the saying goes, the sharpest crayon in the box. I have always had friends who were the quickest, funniest, wittiest people you will ever meet in your life. And I can't keep up. I can't, and I am insecure about that. And do you know, that is why I crawl into my little blog cave (and all the other caves I have created in my life)? It is so selfish of me, am I so concerned about what others think of my sense of humor, or my ability to deliver a brilliant punchline? I know I'm awkward, and I make no bones about that. It's me, take it or leave it, but that kind of insecurity is not worth losing potential friendships that could be great.

Do I still feel sorry for myself? Probably.

I'm not quitting blogging, or even taking a break from it really. Writing is something I like and I'm going to do it whether or not anybody else reads it. Because I like it and it relaxes me. But I think it's time I start doing a better job of pursuing friendships that are real, and stop retreating into myself like I always do. My life revolves around me and my job, and little else. It's gotta stop, Nat.