Watch out... this one is depressing

I figured out what has got me so depressed and afraid of going back to school this semester. Honestly, I think I am scared to death to actually be in the real world of nursing. I don't really think I'm so much scared of this particular semester itself. Sure, the task of making my portfolio, doing various projects, having more difficult clinical, and doing multiple presentations scares me a lot. But that stuff I can do. It is being out there in the field, making decisions, being alone that really scare me. I don't know that I'm really capable of it. Being a student I know what is required of me. I already know before the semester has even started that on July 22 I will be giving probably the most difficult and daunting presentation ever. I know that every Wednesday I will have classes all day. I know what days my clinicals are. I don't know, school is so familiar. And as much as I sometimes think I hate school, and as much as I hate to admit it, being a student and seeing results is what I know. Anyway, my thoughts are jumbled and I'm sure I sound confusing.

I finally figured out how to use our scanner this week. I had fun scanning old pictures onto the computer, and will definitely be scanning more. It's fun to reminisce and enjoy memories. Sometimes it makes me sad. (ok, get ready, if you don't like corny then skip the paragraph) I don't think I like growing up. I always say I hate change, and will probably always feel that way. Yet I always adapt to new things and end up really liking the change. Somehow though, change is never as good as the original. Is this how life goes? Saying good bye, watching people die, seeing marriages dissolve, losing friends, and the list goes on. I feel as if the older I get, the more I am experiencing this. It's a product of the fallen world we live in, and it sucks. I guess it's those horrible things in life that really make you appreciate the good things. Sometimes I feel the pain of loss so acutely, and in the next moment I am numb to it, buried in the everyday busyness of life. But every so often it all hits me, and makes me sad.

Whoa, didn't mean to get so depressing there. I think going back to school has got me in a really depressing state of mind. So sorry. Hopefully I will feel better about it soon.