Bitter

Tears. For myself and for the world, I cry. What have we done? What has sin brought us to? So much brokenness, physical and spiritual. Daily I see the spiritual erosion manifest physically in the bodies of my patients, and on days like this I cry for them. Do not tell me this is the way the world works, that it is the cycle of life. Look at what we have done. My heart breaks. We were not made for this deterioration. We fight it with every ounce of our being, because this is not what we were created for.

God, help us.

Another fun few days were spent in Orlando. I drove down Monday afternoon, and after getting lost downtown, Allison and I spent the afternoon and evening in Disney. We hit up Animal Kingdom, Epcot, and Magic Kingdom this time. It was a great Disney day, and I can't wait to go back! Good times were spent with friends over the time I was in Orlando. I wasn't ready to come back, but somebody's gotta do it. I work the next two days, but do get the weekend off and will be able to go to the church picnic on Saturday.

I'm hoping for a good couple of days working, and a good weekend!

*Dear College Grads,

Congrats, you made it! Go out, experience the world.

Get ready, because it's not what you expect. Be prepared for some major disappointment and disillusionment. Odds are, you aren't going to find your dream job. Post-college life is great though, because you don't have to study.

You also lose an easy social life. It's not hard to be social when you go to class every day and see people, or meet them for lunch conveniently on campus, etc. When school is over, daily life is very much the same from one to the next. It's difficult to break up that routine. And if you're like me, it's very tiring to make any effort whatsoever to be social, so you will probably opt out for a night in on the weekend.

You might feel a little like you lost some of your identity. You've spent the last 17+ years of your life as a student. Life consisted very much of a class schedule, tests, papers, projects, presentations, etc. That's gone. You can't say you are a student anymore, and whatever you become will take a while before you really come into that role.

Get ready for fewer breaks. There is no longer "Christmas vacation," spring break, or summer vacation. Unless you're a teacher, forget all of that.

You might find yourself a little depressed and anxious because life isn't what you thought it'd be. It really isn't as carefree and wonderful as those first few days after graduation may have felt. But hang in there. If you're like me, single and young, you still have a lot of life ahead of you, God-willing (ok, maybe I should edit that.... if you are married you also still have a lot of life ahead of you, but you know what I mean!). There are still a lot of possibilities, even if you really can't "be whatever you want to be."

My best advice is to pursue jobs relentlessly, and don't be above taking a job you might not be thrilled about. It will build your character, just like Mom always said, and though it's going to be tough at times, it will make you a better person.

All my love,
Natalie

*Graduation time is one of my favorite times of the year. However, now well past my college graduation I am remembering how completely disillusioned I really was when it was all said and done. Just read through some of my blog posts from last August/September. Reading facebook statuses of grads who are so excited brings back all the awesome feelings of being done, but also reminds me of the weeks following the big event.

Life really has gotten better. Although I really struggled for awhile, and sometimes still do, I'm glad to have gotten where I am. Graduation season always reminds me that there is a beginning and end to everything, that there are seasons in life. If I am in a difficult place, it is TEMPORARY. Whether we will see the end of certain difficulties in this life, or not until eternity, our struggles are not forever.

Remember when you studied in high school or college, and felt as though it would go on forever? Or that 20+ page paper you worked endless hours on? But they ended. Last fall, when I was depressed, sad, disappointed... not to say that moments like those don't still come along, but they ended as well. Life did not stay forever such a horrible thing. And I know that life has yet to bring me disappointments and difficulties. They will end, whether in this life or not.

There's nothing like a nice evening alone, pretending that reality maybe doesn't exist for a little bit...

I think a good movie (Avatar, again), pizza for supper, and ice cream for dessert just might make an evening like that. Although right now I'm weary and tired from life, from stress, from the daily struggles and anxiety, it is good to rest my mind and my heart. Of course, I must wake up again in the morning and face reality, but tonight I rest.

I will enjoy the quiet before the chaos tomorrow. First goal of the day is to eat a good breakfast, because Sunday I went the entire day without a break and therefore nothing to eat until 9:00 that night. I'm hoping to not have a day like that tomorrow. Really, really hoping.

“Apprehension, uncertainty, waiting, expectation, fear of surprise, do a patient more harm than any exertion.” -Florence Nightingale

Today I was talking to my mom, and she said to me: "Natalie, I hope you thank God every day for your job. I do."

I completely was blindsided by a statement like that, because quite honestly, I don't. Am I thankful for a pay check? Yeah. But it is hard for me to feel thankful for this job. But she's right. Even though right now I am anxious and not wanting to go into work at all in the morning, I do need to thank God for this job. I need to be thankful even when I have to go to bed early on a Friday night, because it means I have a pay check. I need to be thankful even when I feel as though I want to cry at work. I need to be thankful on the days that are lighter and less stressful.

Right now I'll be honest and say that I don't want to be a nurse today. Sometimes I wish I had a job that was less stressful. One that I woke up in the morning and felt privileged and excited to go to. One that I loved. Still, I should be thankful.

I know that even though it doesn't feel like it, I do somehow make a difference. I want to hope so. I think I have forgotten why I became a nurse. I don't remember. I'm tired. Somewhere along the way I think I lost the reason. I remember I was excited at graduation.

This week while I took a patient's blood pressure, he held my hand. He just seemed content to hold it tight for that minute that I listened for his blood pressure, and I held his. Maybe I don't feel like I make a difference, but maybe he felt comfort and peace for a moment. I don't know. Moments like that don't come often. Because down the hall in another patient's room it was a different story.

You probably realize by now I work in the morning, and have no desire whatsoever to go in. I think I carry the stress of work too close to my heart, and it has been affecting me very negatively. I want to love my job. And I think I could, if I could get beyond this difficulty. I want to love being a nurse. I know that deep down I do, but it is hard lately.

Well, if I wanted summer to come fast, I got it. Highs in the 90s, and good old humidity just like always. Even a few thunderstorms interspersed, which I LOVE! At least evenings are still cool enough to tolerate, although that won't last long. Believe me, I will be ready for fall and winter before you know it.

Speaking of fall, Allison and I have a plan in the works for a trip to DC and the general area in October. I am sooo excited, and can't WAIT. How many months until October? Still five months away, bummer. In the meantime, I do get a trip to my grandparents' in July for their 60th. I have asked off a whole 10 days at work (still don't know if I got it or not) and I am hoping to get to see most of the family while I'm up there. It's been since Christmas '08 that I've been up there, and since I know I won't be able to go up this Christmas either, I'm making it a point to go this summer.

The last two days of work have been amazingly good. I mean, GOOD! Not just ok, or "not terrible," but good. I know that it's probably not going to be like that again for a long time, but I was so grateful and relieved to have a couple like that. Maybe it'll be a trend, but I highly doubt it. The worst thing you can do is walk in thinking it's going to be a good day, because those are usually among the worst. In the meantime, today I am going to rest up. I have stayed up too late and slept in way too late, which always throws me off.

Saw another good movie this week: The Young Victoria. I loved it! It was very romantic, but not over the top cheesy. Just a really sweet story. You should watch it.

Here's to hoping (but not expecting) another good couple of days at work.

Avatar

I finally rented and watched Avatar last night. I wasn't really sure what I was going to think, since I have heard reviews of it from both extremes. I decided to watch it with an open mind and try not to think about the smears from the right, or the over-glorification from the left. And, really, I thought it was a good movie. Not to mention, right from the beginning I recognized the score, and both Allison and I discovered that James Horner (who also did Titanic's score- go figure) did it.

So, my thoughts on the movie? Great story. Great romance. Great adventure. I didn't so much tie the attacks on the Na'vi to a portrayal of our military, (though I don't doubt that it wasn't at least a nod in that direction) but I think what bothered me about this film the most was how completely over-the-top that colonel was in his brutality. And I think the film went a little too far out of its way to show just how heartless and inhuman he was, such as watching him kick back with a cup of coffee while shooting down innocent Na'vi, among other scenes. If anything, this movie's biggest message was an environmental one-- not necessarily a slam toward our military specifically, but a slam toward mankind in general. Perhaps my only other qualm with this movie was the intense spirituality which connected the Na'vi to the nature around them.

Those things aside, I honestly really enjoyed the movie. Beautiful scenery, awesome special and visual effects, and a really neat story all around. I did find myself sitting on the edge of my seat at times. I would recommend it, if you are willing to watch it without letting another's opinions get in the way. I felt that's what I had to do in order to enjoy it, and it definitely worked. And, as a result, I bought the soundtrack to the film, which generally happens after I see a movie I really like. All in all, I would recommend it.

A Very Tired, Random Post

Just when I had thought things were starting to get better, and I was getting the hang of my job... well, surprise! It has been a really awful couple weeks of work. I'm not sure what is going on that is so different, but I'm hoping that it slows down soon. I came home Sunday night from work, more exhausted than I'd ever been from work and collapsed on the couch at 9:00. Yesterday I had already taken a 2-hour nap by 1:00pm, and was good for nothing the entire day, including another short nap at 7:00. Wow. Thank goodness this weekend came before 3 days off, because I know I couldn't be back at work today or even tomorrow.

On the bright side: beach today! Yeah! The sun is high, the sky is blue, and no rain is forecast until tonight at least. Speaking of which, I am also ready for the Florida afternoon rain storms to begin. In Florida in the summer if it isn't one of our drought years, just about every single afternoon at 3:00pm, it rains. Sometimes it's for only 20 minutes or so, but I love it when it turns into one of those thunderstorms you just want to curl up in your bed with a good book and listen to. Ohhh, I love summer, even though I also hate it.

Speaking of reading: I have finally started reading The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. I know, I know, I've been a LOTR fan for how many years and I still haven't read them?! But I finally am, and regret not having done it sooner. There's a lot of background information you just don't get from the movies. Which is funny, because I've always wondered why people wanted to watch Harry Potter but not read the books, for that same reason.

I just realized the other day that it is "finals week," and I'm not taking finals! Usually this time of year I'm studying feverishly, but not this year! It really is a good feeling, although I do miss that feeling of being done and feeling free. You don't get that with a job. Last year at this time I was facing an entire summer semester ahead of me. How miserable that was, although it wasn't really as bad as I'd thought it would be. It never really felt like summer if I ignored the calendar, and I also knew graduation was at the end of it. And speaking of graduation, that was 9 months ago! What?! I'm going on 7 months at my job... 7 months a working RN? Doesn't seem possible.

Harry Potter

Allison pointed out to me that I completely missed the inclusion of Harry Potter in my post on high school obsessions. Yes, the books came out long before I was in high school, but I was of the belief that all things Harry Potter were evil for a long time. Finally when I was 16 I decided to read them for myself, and have loved them ever since.

For me, fantasy is an escape. I know it is dorky that I love books and movies like this and hold them close, but that is how it is. I have many memories connected to this story-- late night in Books a Million with Allison to pick up the 6th book we could have easily walked in the next morning to get (we discovered that night that there are some really weird [i.e. creepy] Harry Potter fans out there), seeing the movies for the first time in theater always with Allison (we are not allowed to go one without the other for the first time), reading the 7th book side-by-side, each with our own copies, and stopping every couple of chapters with disbelief at what was happening-- and that is only mentioning a few fond memories I have.

Through high school, college, nursing school-- this story has been a wonderful escape for me. I think that is why I have always loved fantasy. They are stories that we know could never be true, and that's why we love them. Of course, don't we wish an old-fashioned letter came, owl-delivered, to take us away to a whole different world, or that we could step through a wardrobe and find ourselves in Narnia? Or be whisked off to some great adventure, like Bilbo or Frodo? It is that element of fantasy that I love so much. Although I no longer have the obsessions I once did, these (Harry Potter, Narnia, Lord of the Rings, etc,) are stories I will always love.

A Good Couple Days

An awesome couple of days were spent in Orlando. I drove down after work on Tuesday. And in the morning, off we were to Disney! I know I have probably been to Disney too many times (though I don't think that's possible), but each day has its own special memories. Yesterday we got to the park, a little grumpy because a) I had not gotten my coffee, and b) we were forced to ride the ferry boat with hoards of people because the monorails were shut down for maintenance. We decided to take the detour through Cinderella's Castle since later on in the day they close it off for all the shows. On a whim, we ate breakfast at Cinderella's Royal Table! It was awesome! It's so dorky, but we had an awesome time. It included a picture with Cinderella before breakfast, all you can eat food (excellent too- not your typical Disney fare) and four princesses visiting your table for pictures. You better believe that we took pictures with all of them! After several rides, we headed on over to Epcot for the flower and garden show where we enjoyed a pretzel and a drink in Germany (beer for Allison, diet coke for me).

A better day could not have been spent, and we ended it with Chinese food, drinks, and Lord of the Rings with Kristi Vechik. I'm always sad to come back, but you know I'll be back again! I do not regret buying my Disney pass one bit, and I never tire of going.

It was great to have some fun and kick back without any stress. Work has gotten extremely difficult lately, and the responsibility and stress of it has been weighing on me very heavily. I am questioning my reasoning for going into this field, and just feel very scared by it. I'm not sure if I can do it anymore. I walk into work, and immediately am at peoples' every beck and call. I must be everything to everyone, and it's never enough. It is just really hard. Thank goodness for days off, and hopefully for better days as well.

High School Obsessions...

Lord of the Rings was a high school obsession of mine. Although I do say I still love it as much as I did then! Who can't help but love those movies?

Pirates of the Caribbean came out when I was 16. Already in love with Orlando Bloom from LOTR, I was obsessed with it before it even came out. Brings back great memories!

Of course, I have never been a big Star Wars buff, but when the movies came out in the early 2000s, it was the "in" thing. I even cried during the 3rd movie when Anakin turned to the dark side.

And, if we are talking about high school obsessions, I can't leave out Orlando Bloom. LOVED him. Enough said.

Smallville was probably one of the first "cool" TV shows I was allowed to watch. It used to scare me too because I wasn't used to anything so "intense." Ha! I think Tom Welling was my first celebrity crush too. (Look at him! Who couldn't have a crush on him?)

Survivor. Definitely the first TV show I ever followed. (can you tell I was sheltered?) I have watched it off and on the last few years, and find that I can still get just as addicted to it.

Can't forget, my love for singers like Josh Groban and Michael Buble began in late high school, and have never diminished to this day. I'm still just as clumsy, just as awkward (ok, so maybe not quite), and just as fashion-challenged today as I was then. A lot of things have changed, too. I know how to do my hair now, my pants size has gone up bit (and I've learned that doesn't matter all that much!), and I've also learned that Christian romantic fiction lies through their cheesy little fictitious words (Thad? Gilbert Winslow? Shiloh? Pretense Paul? Tucker? All lies!!!).

High school. Oh, those were the days. I am sure my high school experiences are vastly different from most kids' (hello... home school!) but still the same in a lot of ways. My parents didn't entirely separate us from society, and I still went through many of the same insecurities, ups and downs, crushes, etc... Though I'd never, ever want to go back, it's still nice to remember the days.

A Few of My Favorite Things

The Dick Van Dyke Show. I grew up on this show. I still watch it and am falling out of my seat with laughter every time. This guy is hilarious! It will always be a favorite!

Again, this show also keeps me laughing. It is probably one of the best sit coms ever. I have always wished I could have been around when it was first made, being one of those housewives who saved every Monday evening for I Love Lucy.

Ella Fitzgerald (along with Louis Armstrong, below) were among the first jazz music I ever liked. The two of them together were great.

Bing Crosby... great singer, great actor. I loved him first because of the movie Holiday Inn, and then White Christmas, but have also come to appreciate his music.

I have always felt something akin to Nat King Cole... maybe it's the shared nickname? This guy had the smoothest voice you will ever hear in your life. I used to only know him for his featured Christmas songs on my Christmas cds, but have come to love all of his other music as well. He sang some of the most romantic songs, and his voice only made them that much more so.

And last, but not least, my first love: Frank Sinatra! I started listening to him when I was 15, and it was probably the first time I had ever listened to "old" music. Before that I had always thought it was lame. This guy had the most classic voice, you can't help but love him when you hear him sing, his reputation aside.

Yes, I realize I only featured the old in my favorite things list, and I could probably continue with many other things I love that aren't from 50 or more years ago. Maybe another time, right? I have always wished I lived during my grandparents' generation. Not to say those days were perfect, or maybe not even better than today, but I have always had a fascination with it. Which would probably explain the draw that all of the above has for me. Anyway, here's to not being cool at all.