Food Pictures... Yum!

All through my Whole30 I meant to post photos of the delicious foods I was making and eating, but never got around to it.  So here are some lovely pictures of what I've been eating so far on my Whole10!  Keep in mind I'm not one much for editing photos.

West African Chicken Stew

This one is DELICIOUS, and includes sunflower seed butter.  Honestly, I am barely able to eat much of it at a time which really surprised me because I absolutely love how it tastes.  It's just incredibly rich.  Luckily it's pretty dense with chicken so you don't have to eat much to get your animal protein in.

Stuffed Acorn Squash

My favorite!!!  The stuffing includes lean ground beef (pasture-raised, grass-fed) and cauliflower rice. 

This is just the spinach, artichokes, and onions sauteeing for the spinach-artichoke turkey burgers. 

Olive Oil Mayonnaise

I don't ever see a reason to buy mayonnaise at the store again! 

Spinach-Artichoke Turkey Burgers

They taste better than they look, I promise!!! 

Garlic-Dijon Roasted Brussels Sprouts

My absolute FAVORITE vegetable dish so far. 

Breakfast Egg Bake

Bela made this one.  It has ground pork with sausage seasoning, bell peppers, mushrooms, onions, coconut milk, and of course eggs.  It's been great to have all made up and just heat it up quickly after a long night at work. 

Spaghetti Squash Pad Thai

I was actually surprised I liked this one so much.  I like spaghetti squash, but I don't love it.  But I definitely loved this dish and will make it regularly from here on out! 

And just some veggies I roasted up a few days ago.  Nothing like roasted veggies. 

And here is the turkey burger, bun excluded.  On it is the mayo, avocado mashed with lemon juice, unsweetened brown mustard and ketchup, and onions. 

In case you're tired of looking at food photos, I decided to post some from my hike on High Drive a few days ago.  Beautiful views!  And lots of uphill so it was a great workout!  I love where I live! 

^^^Spring is here!!^^^

Being a Nurse

There are times I am very weary of being a nurse.  Not tired of it, not hating it... just incredibly weary.  Stretched too thin.  Moments come when you feel so inadequate.  Like you are making no difference in the lives of your patients.  And not in a self-centered way of making yourself feel good about the difference you're making.  But I mean truly going home at the end of the night and knowing: my patients are better off because I took care of them.

And today, I just don't feel that way.  I feel like I failed my patient.  I had one of the hardest, most horrible events with a patient last night.  And I can't go into details because of HIPPA, but I will just say I walked away from the situation feeling like utter shit.  Feeling unsettled.... uneasy.  It's been a long, long time since I've felt this way.  It shook me up so much I actually had to call out of work for a personal day.  I don't do that.  But I did it tonight.

Usually I can go home and resolve the issue in my mind.  Leave it at work where it belongs.  I couldn't this time.  I spent the remainder of my night carrying it like a burden.  I carried it home with me today, and just couldn't shake it.  I still can't.

This job is hard.  No.  It's worse than hard.  It's IMPOSSIBLE.  It's not just going to work and being stressed all the time because patients and doctors and family treat you like shit.  I have LIVES in my hands, and while I am well aware of that every single day I walk through those doors, there are days that that reality slams into you.  I carry a license, one that I spent four years of college earning, almost six years since then protecting it every day on the job while trying to give the best possible care to my patients... and in the blink of an eye it could be gone.

The thing is, I love being a nurse.  Being a nurse is quite possibly one of the most defining things about me.  But today, I am just so incredibly discouraged and weary.

My Sisters' Visit

The visit from my sisters was so much fun!  I definitely was sad to see them go, as we really had a great time touring, laughing, talking, eating, hiking, running, etc.  It was really nice to have family in town for a bit.

 The first night we went out for froyo after picking Hannah up from the airport!

 After breakfast at Chap's, right before our drive to Portland.

 Good old Multnomah Falls.  Always a favorite of mine on the drive to Portland!

Breakfast at Mother's Bistro! 

 We love the show Portlandia!  This is the store used for the sketch Women and Women First.

Of course a visit to Voodoo Donuts is required. 

Arm exercises before breakfast. 

 Hannah and Allison's first time experiencing the disgusting gum wall.

 The pig at Pike Place.

 Lovely view of the Seattle skyline from Bainbridge Ferry.

 Bainbridge... such a lovely, quaint, quiet little town.

Our first day back after our tiring weekend, we relaxed with some coffee at Rocket Bakery!

 Me and Hannah, preparing supper.  And enjoying wine.

 Hanging out in Coeur d'Alene.

 The beautiful view of the valley from Steven's Creek Trail.

 Hannah, enjoying the view.

I love the Northwest!

New Body Resolutions

I've come up with a new resolution for myself: no more body analyzing.

I have realized the past several months that this has become a subconscious habit of mine.  I find myself constantly analyzing how my body looks nearly every time I look in the mirror.  Whether it's washing my hands, doing my hair or make-up, getting out of the shower, or even just walking by a mirror in public-- I'm always analyzing what my body looks like.

Why?  I don't know.  I don't actually hate my body anymore (I have days... yes, still have those days).  But when I have finally gotten my health on track and worked hard fueling my body the correct way... I have this fear that I'll "mess up" and end up right back where I was two years ago.  My warped way of thinking has me feeling as though this can happen overnight.

IT CAN'T.

I think coming off of a week of eating out, eating more desserts, I'm also finding myself in this mindset more.  Like this feeling of, "I totally screwed up!!!  I'm ruined!!"  And the thing is, I didn't spend the week overeating all of those foods.  It's laughable, I know.  But I think it's probably a pretty common feeling for most women.  It's just hard for me to admit.  

So this is something new I am going to be working on.

Whole10

I'm currently finishing up day 2 of my Whole10.

Going into it just a tad bit discouraged as I was not as good with my diet as I had planned while my sisters were here.  I'm not upset about it or anything, but I definitely haven't been feeling too great the past several days.  However after yesterday and today, I'm feeling fairly decent and hoping that continues.

Not to mention, shin splints have flared up with a vengeance.  I feel incredibly frustrated and out of control when that happens.  Because I am in great shape and my endurance level is high, but I have to give my body the chance to heal.  I know that it is primarily because of my diet and lack of hydration that caused the return (there had been no sudden increase in my mileage and they were completely gone prior to their sudden return).  But I also know I have to allow my body to rest and heal or else they'll keep coming back.  Once they've started, it is usually a snowball effect.  Mine manifest in horrendous muscle cramps down the front of my outer shins.  Not something you can just run through.  :(  Wondering if I might have compartment syndrome, but not really sure?

Anyway, I'm not here to be super discouraging in my attitude.

I spent the day cooking up different meals for the week.  This week's dinner menu includes spaghetti squash pad thai, west African stew, stuffed acorn sqaush, spinach artichoke turkey burgers, plus lots and lots of vegetables!  I still have a few more main dishes to make for the week, but am off until Wednesday so I will probably just go out and get things to make for dinner tomorrow and Tuesday and save the refrigerated food for work.

Anyway.  Like I said, feeling a bit discouraged about things but am hoping for them to look up soon.  The last time I went through a bout of shin splints I spiraled into a very bad place with my eating and body image and weight gain.  I am in a much better place than I was then, but I still have to be careful that I do not end up there again.

Here's to a GREAT Whole10!

Whole30: Day 30!!!!

As my Whole30 ends, I decided to compile a list of all the non-scale victories of the past thirty days.  Because it's so easy to make focus on weight and body fat and all that.  And that just wasn't what I wanted my focus to be going into this.

1. Cooking-- I have learned how to cook!  Yeah, yeah I've cooked before.  But never this kind of food. I never knew I was actually a good cook.  And I learned recipes and skills and tips that I know I'll keep using fora long time to come.  And I have a huge desire now to learn how to cook all sorts of foods.

2. Energy-- Whole30 has taught me how to choose foods that keep me energized instead of dragging.  No sugar cravings (not that I've never wanted something while on this) and therefore no crashes.  I don't find myself dragging halfway through my shift at work like I did in the past.  No bloating either.  Somehow that makes a person feel slow and tired too.

3. Running-- I've seen major improvements in my running in the past thirty days.  I was barely pushing 10:00-10:20 pace miles for the past couple of months.  And shin splints were starting to act up again.  But my times have improved to 9:40-10:00 and shin splints are almost nonexistent!  Not to mention, I've been able to run 5 and 6 miles!  It's been a long time since I've been able to run anything of that distance!

4. Taste-- I feel like I am able to finally taste food the way it's supposed to taste.  When you cut out the processed, refined stuff, you sort of forget what all of that fake food tastes like.  And suddenly real food (that might normally not have tasted all that great before) tastes really good!  And the food I've eaten has been full-fat-- olive oil, coconut oil, beef, pork, chicken, fish, nuts, coconut milk (along with lots of veggies of course).  It goes to show that low-fat diets just don't work.  Of course, I'm not advocating for eating as much as you possibly want of those foods.  All within what is a healthy serving size for a person's body type and activity level.

5. Relationship to food-- my relationship with food has improved vastly.  I have learned how to eat when I'm actually hungry rather than eating because I'm bored, craving something, or because it's time to eat.  And I've also learned what true satisfaction feels like after a meal.  When you're not going through day-to-day life constantly under-nourished, it's amazing how good eating actually feels.  And it feels good to not feel guilty about eating.

So as of midnight tonight (I say that since I'll be at work) Whole30 will officially be over.  As for what comes next for me...

My sisters will be coming into town this week.  And because of that, I don't think I'll be able to keep up with this kind of eating since we will be doing a bit of traveling around and eating out.  My plan after they leave is to actually do a Whole10 to make sure I dial my diet back in and can continue with it a bit more diligently.  But I don't plan on being 100% paleo.  Like I said before, I never want to be really limited in my diet everywhere I go.  I think about that weekend in Seattle and how frustrating that was. I don't want that to be my life.

I consider this past thirty days as all a part of my journey towards a healthier me.  So I know there will still be ups and downs.  Frustrations and discouragement.  And I don't want my entire focus every day to be on what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, what I weigh, etc.  I will do what I need to do to be as healthy as I can be-- in mind, body, and spirit.

Whole30: Day 26!

Well, Whole30 is quickly wrapping up!  The past 26 days have flown by.  I can't believe that in four days it will be done.  I'm happy to say I feel good.  I don't feel like a different person.  No huge, drastic changes in my body (which wasn't my goal anyway).  I feel leaner, more energetic, and running has gotten easier.  And those are all the results I really needed.  My system has been purged of a lot of crap, which is the best part.

Tonight is one last hurrah on Whole30 with my friend Julia.  We plan on making a paleo Greek meal and watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.  I found a homemade falafel recipe I'm going to try out.  We'll see how that goes, since chickpeas is normally the main ingredient in falafels.

In other news, next week my sisters Allison and Hannah are coming to visit for eight days!  I absolutely cannot WAIT!  Nobody has visited me since moving out to Washington.  :(  I'm excited to show them around, and for them to see where I live.  Take them to some of my favorite restaurants.  Show them Portland and Seattle.  It's going to be a fun week and I can't wait.

I need some familiarity and warmth in life for a bit.  Been a rough couple of weeks.  I guess I'm doing ok, or as ok as you might expect at this point.  Been staying as busy as I can to keep my mind occupied, which helps.  For awhile the nights were the worst time for me... when my mind wouldn't settle down.  Thankfully that has improved for the most part.  I still often find myself thinking of all the what-ifs and could-have-beens, but in other ways I find that I've been able to find peace.  It's hard when the right thing is the last thing you really want.  But for now, this is what's right and I've found peace.

That's what's up in my life lately.  Feel pretty good about where I am and where things are going for the time being.  Every day I get up is a gift, no matter what the circumstances are!

Whole30: Day 21

Time is going by quickly and here I am on day 21 of Whole30!  The last few days of this past week were kind of a rough patch for me.  For some reason I was really frustrated with it.  I didn't have any cravings, but kept finding myself thinking about wanting ice cream or just wanting to snack a lot.  Sometimes old habits die hard.  Just goes to show that there's no magic cure for things like that!  It takes time.

Since I have a couple of nights off work, I did some cooking last night and will make a few more dishes today.  And my hope is that will carry me through the end of this week-- and then I'm looking at only another three days after that!  I honestly can't believe how quickly this has gone.

I've said it already, but the best thing I've gleaned from this (besides learning how to eat clean) has been all the cooking.  Turns out I'm actually a good cook.  Who knew?!  Of course it takes time, but I've found that sometimes it's really therapeutic to just spend a day in the kitchen chopping, mixing, stirring, taste-testing with different flavors and spices.  Taylor Swift also really helps a lot too!  Can she just be my best friend already?

Here has been my absolute favorite meal: Stuffed Acorn Squash.  Seriously, it is amazing.  It'll definitely be on rotation weekly from here on out.  My second favorite meal has been Paleo Zuppa Toscana.  Julia made this last week when we cooked together.  I still have one more serving left, and I'm so hesitant to finish it because then it's all gone.  Julia has the Whole30-approved bacon so I won't be able to make it again without special-ordering some from the butcher shop.  So delicious!!!  And one simple recipe I will definitely keep using: Paleo Cauliflower Rice Pilaf.  I actually just make the simple version with the coconut oil, onions, salt, and pepper.  I don't think I'll make actual rice anymore.  Why should I?  It tastes almost as good, has no grains, plus it's an easy (and tasty!) way to get more veggies!

So it's officially been three whole weeks since I've had dairy, legumes, grains, alcohol, (well, that's actually been since New Years!) or added sugar or sweetener.  I've eaten mostly organic fruits and vegetables.  Grass-fed meat, free-range organic eggs.  I never thought I could eat like this and actually enjoy it.  And feel good.  Honestly, I don't feel like a whole different person.  I've certainly noticed that my running has gotten a bit easier, my shin splints have vastly improved, and my times have gotten much better.  I sleep better.

I still don't know exactly what direction I'll be taking next week.  I'd like to stick to a mostly-paleo diet from here on out.  I don't ever want to be over-the-top strict with myself.  Before this started, I felt like my healthy eating was 80/20, but honestly it was probably more like 70/30.

I know that this is another milestone for me though.  Two years ago at this time, my diet consisted of mostly processed carbs, fast food.  I rarely cooked and if I did, it was mostly pasta.  I was overweight, sedentary, and very unhealthy.  I felt like shit all the time.  The past two years have been a long, uphill journey to get my health under control.  I believe that lifestyle change comes slowly, not overnight and I'm a testament to that.  I still consider myself having a long way to go, but this is just another step in the right direction for me.  I'll write more on that another time though.  Today I'm just happy to have a better relationship with food.

More Thoughts on Whole30

I think one of the most important factors for me in my Whole30 journey has been doing it with a friend.  My friend Julia was the one who first mentioned it to me on New Years Eve.  When I heard about it, I thought it sounded like a huge challenge, but told her I thought I was interested (hm... looking back, this was probably two or three drinks into the night...).  We had planned to start on January 22.  Suddenly that day was only about a week away and I realized I hadn't done any planning, or even read the book yet.  I knew I couldn't just jump right into Whole30 blind.  It was becoming apparent that you have to be very intentional about doing this.

So we set our start day for February 2.  I read the book, did my research, collected recipes.  I was VERY overwhelmed, but knew I had committed to this and I was going to do it.  I spent a day cooking a bunch of recipes (a MUST, especially if you work long hours).

February 2 rolled around uneventfully.  I woke up, made some eggs with avocado over spinach, and drank some water.  It didn't feel hard, of course, because it was only the first meal.  I went for a run, took a nap, and later that night ate my dinner.  It was at work that the headaches began... and I knew it was from the lack of processed carbs and sugar.  I already was regretting the decision.  But a cheerful text message from Julia, excited that we had completed our first day, and suddenly it didn't seem so hard.

We work together, so we've shared meals, exchanged meals, and last week even spent the day cooking together.  This made a HUGE difference for me because I had reached the burn-out point for all that cooking.  Honestly, I feel like if I could cook each day what I need it wouldn't be so bad.  But the long hours I work mean that I have to prepare a lot of food ahead of time, especially if I want there to be variety.  I did that twice by myself, and just reached a point where I was frustrated and tired of it.  So doing it with a friend, music turned up... it was so much better than doing it alone!  Plus it's just fun to do anything with a friend, so it's win-win!

I'll admit, today I'm actually pretty frustrated with it.  Not exactly having a good day.  So it isn't all easy and awesome (well, it's never actually been "easy" per se).  I am starting to get a little bit tired of not being able to have ice cream or bread or even a damn tablespoon of half and half in my coffee (especially considering the circumstances... it would kind of make me feel better right now).  But I'm reminding myself, thirty days just isn't that long of a time.  It's really not!  And I've already made it more than half-way through, which at the beginning seemed pretty insurmountable!

You never know what's going on beneath the surface.

I feel like I'm functioning tonight at half-capacity.  I'm here, but I'm not really present at times.  I laugh and smile on the outside... and while most of the time I do feel fine, many times I feel like I am crumbling on the inside.  What you see is me barely keeping it together.

It's memories that haunt me.  The remembrance of something we laughed at together, or our long conversations... where so much was shared.  The memory of his smile when he looked at me... does the pain of remembering ever really go away?  Will I wake up some day, cured of this sadness?  I suppose I will.  I'm told I will.  Even the last time we talked... he told me, "I know that someday we are both going to be very happy."  And I believe that, I have to believe it for both of us.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not living in a black cloud of sadness all the time.  Like I said, life has to go on.  I can't simply stop functioning.  And I've discovered strength this week that I never knew I had.  Letting go of something I wanted so hard to hold onto was the hardest thing I've ever done.  Trusting in God's purpose for why this happened is really hard.  My friends and sisters have proven themselves the best and most loyal of friends... supporting me and holding me up when I'm at my lowest.

Maybe someday I'll see and understand the reason for all of this.  I'm hopeful, I really am.

Whole30: Day 15!

Life goes on, despite our circumstances and feelings.  I'm working on moving beyond what cannot be changed... but in the meantime the everyday mundane-ness continues.

I am now on day 15 of my Whole30 experience.  After today ends, I will officially be halfway through!  Yeah!!!

Honestly, it hasn't been nearly as hard as I was expecting.  Like I said, the first few days were a bit difficult.  And there have been moments of frustration since then.  But I think the first key to a successful Whole30 is 100% commitment.  You have to go into this knowing you are not going to cheat once for 30 days.  Most fad "diets" encourage cheat meals or days, or they're so depriving and limiting that you're almost powerless to resist cheats.  But this?  Combine the commitment to not cheat with the fact that you actually won't really have cravings, and it's much easier to be successful.

So in the past two weeks, I've definitely learned a lot.  I've learned how to eat real food.  I've learned how to cook better, tastier food than I ever have before (and I've actually learned how to taste food!).  I've learned what true fullness feels like.  For the first time in my life, my brain actually receives the signal of satisfaction from my stomach.  I've also learned, however, that I couldn't live 100% this restrictive in my daily life.  I went to Seattle yesterday, and found myself increasingly frustrated by the lack of options in choices at restaurants.  I had to question what every food was cooked in.  Order my burger with a lettuce wrap (I'm sorry... but that just doesn't cut it).  Staff didn't understand what I was asking for... when I asked for good paleo options around town, we were given the name of vegan restaurants.  By this time I was starving and very frustrated.  I only stuck to it because I made this 30 day commitment.

However, I know that the way I eat will be forever changed.  I do plan on following many of the guidelines outlined in Whole30.  And that's the point.  They don't make this plan to be followed 365 days of the year.  I don't know yet what my diet will look like after the next 15 days is over.  I know it won't be this restrictive, but it will look much different than it did 15 days ago.

The 2nd key to a successful Whole30 is do it with a friend!  I'll write more on that another time.

Alone.

I am sad.  Today I am here to say: I'm not ok.  I will be ok, but today I'm not.

This week I had to say goodbye to someone I love very much.  I had to end a relationship that I did not want to end.  It was the hardest choice I have ever had to make.  My heart is broken.  I am broken.  I wish it didn't hurt so much.  Why--when I have made this choice-- does it have to hurt so damn much?!  In fact there were no hard feelings.  No angry words exchanged.  Just the sadness of what could have been.

My heart feels empty and I feel alone.  I know right now that sounds so emo, but it's truly how I feel.  I've been thinking a lot about love.  How we humans are created to love.  Created for connection, passion, lifelong commitment.  And so to be torn away from that is so unnatural.  It is so painful.

I will hold on to the good memories.  Because there are so many.  I will never forget the way he made me feel.  How I felt so at home and at peace in his arms.  To love and be loved back... it's the best feeling in the world.  And to say goodbye to that is equally the worst feeling in the world.

It's the worst feeling in the world.  And the loneliest.  I know that someday the sun will come out and I will be happy again.  But that day isn't today.  I have hope for that day, I have hope for the future, and I have hope for what is to come.  But today is sad.  And today I feel alone.