I sat outside the library today and listened to a Chinese man singing hymns from a hymnal with his wife and little girl by the pond. It was one of the most refreshing things I have experienced in a long time. I wish I had talked to him to learn his story. He raised his hands in praise to Jesus, unashamedly. It was all he did.

I feel ashamed of myself for being ashamed of the gospel, embarrassed by it. Embarrassed to speak up for Christ, afraid of what others will think of me, afraid of looking foolish. I want to be like that man.

Just some random thoughts of mine

I'm sitting in Panera right now, supposed to be "finishing my paper," but I can't seem to do it so I'm going to take a break from that effort. I'm pretty much almost finished- 21 pages, few more to go. I have never written a paper that long before, and it has actually been a somewhat enjoyable process because I'm pretty interested in what I'm writing about- unlike ethics.

Speaking of which, I have a presentation on Monday morning in ethics on organ transplantation. I didn't really think there would be any ethical issues in that area, but there are actually quite a few. Hannah was especially nice to get one of her doctors to lend me a book on the ethical issues surrounding organ transplantation. I really appreciated that!

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I know the next three days are going to be stressful, but just knowing that Thanksgiving is coming right after that helps so much. I can get through it when I think of sitting at the Kerchers' eating a big Thanksgiving meal, sitting around a fire, talking and laughing, and watching a Christmas movie or two. I won't allow myself to think about any school that day. School will be off-limits! In a lot of ways I feel really at peace about school right now. I know that there is the possibility that I may not pass this semester. I can't ignore that fact, but at the same time I am not going to let that keep me from working hard and aiming for the best. I will work hard until 12 o'clock on December 12, and will not let myself fear failure. God is good and He has a plan. He knows what will happen, and I can rest in that. But again, I'll still work for the best because I will not fail this. ;)

Church tomorrow, and for the first time in several months I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't talked about it much on here, but my church, my church I have been going to for 18 plus years is going through a lot. We are without a pastor (interim pastor but still not the same) and things have just seemed... I don't know, just up in the air all the time. There doesn't seem to be any real leadership, not that the Session isn't doing a good job, but it's just really sad to me. I think my church has always been the "one thing" I could count on, and wrongfully so because it is not the people, but Christ, that we rally around. Anyway, it's just really hard for me sometimes because I have never known another church and have struggled with the idea of leaving to find a new one, yet still holding out for my church. Again, you know me, I hate change! Every time something changes I shake my fist at God. I really don't like it.

Well, time to stop procrastinating on this paper.

I'm pretty sure that this week has thus far been the most stressful one. Knowing that Thanksgiving is next week has definitely motivated me though! I'm working on a group presentation for Monday, and my big pharm paper I need to have finished by then as well. I will most likely be a hermit this weekend... but really, that's me most of the time! :)

I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving break. Just to have a time to relax, bake with my mom and sisters, eat far more than any human should, have pumpkin pie with whipped cream on the top, fellowship with close friends and family, watch Christmas movies on tv, and be able to enjoy the little things amidst the stress. Somehow I have always loved Thanksgiving break, even with the studying and projects that are usually surrounding it.

I feel the end coming, but in a sense there is still that feeling of impending doom... as if I will work relentlessly until the end and still fall short. This is a very real possibility, yet I won't allow this to keep me from doing my best. God is good no matter what.

Brother Micah showed up on campus this week, preaching out on the green like he always does, cursing and condemning people to hell. I find this man to be an embarrassment to Christians, and I do not believe he is even truly saved. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ, yet to him, in order to be saved one must be perfect and never sin again. Those who come forward to tell him they know Christ he only condemns. He actually claims to not have sinned in at least a few years. And people come out in droves just to stand there watching him, making fun of him, and he is not afraid to dish it right back. I actually might go eat my lunch and listen to him tomorrow, because while I am disgusted by him, I also find him pretty interesting. It forces me to look at myself and ask some questions- like why am I not actively witnessing to those about Christ. Why am I leaving it to the legalistic, grace-less "Christians?" By sitting silently am I as guilty as he, allowing Christ to be represented that way? Taking a look at the people Christ hung out with- thieves, adulterers, impulsive men, healing the demon-possessed, forgiving His children's sin... the ones He spoke against the most were the self-righteous Pharisees. And yet, I sometimes wonder if at times I even fall in the "self-righteous" category myself. Conviction.

And good night, because my thoughts are running a mile a minute and I need to get some sleep. No more disorganized thoughts for now.

This Week

What a week, and sadly it's not over yet. I had clinical Saturday, today, and tomorrow. I'm tired out but I know I can't let my guard down until next Wednesday. Tonight I'm going to bed early just so I'll be sharp tomorrow. Today was a good day and I'm glad that I was sharp and able to THINK, because I went to bed early last night. So I'm hoping tomorrow will go just as smoothly- but you never know.

I can hardly believe we have come this far in the semester. There was a time I never thought I would make it this far. Of course I don't speak too early, because I still don't know how things will go with the final, but I have learned so much! I'm so thankful to have this experience to LEARN. It's really hard at times but will be so worth it in the end. And honestly, it's worth it right now. Sometimes it stinks and I can't stand it but I do really enjoy it.

Not much else to say, my mind is tired so I think I'm going to call it a night. Good night!

"An imaginative poet avers that woman is the link connecting Heaven and earth. True it is, we see in her the embodiment of purity and heavenly graces, the most perfect combination of modesty, devotion, patience, affection, gratitude and loveliness, and the perfection of physical beauty. We watch with deep interest the steady and gradual development from girlhood to womanhood, when the whole person improves in grace and elegance, the voice becomes more sonorous and melodious, and the angles and curvatures of her countour become more rounded and amplified, preparatory for her high and holy mission, . . . Physically and mentally, woman is man modified, perfected,- the last and crowning handiwork of God."

I found this in a book called The People's Medical Adviser written by R.V. Pierce, M.D. in 1877, as an introduction to women's health. I almost laughed when I first read it. A far cry from today's perspective of women, and while some of it may be a bit extreme (perfection?), I find it interesting and at the same time sad that we as women have degraded ourselves to the point that many of us would probably be offended by a description such as this. It is almost laughable, isn't it, that there was a time when a man could write something like this? And most of all, in a medical advisory book? That we are prepared for our "high and holy mission," that is, motherhood? (and quite honestly I think that is a neat description for motherhood- something that was once revered and considered a calling rather than something to check off your list of life accomplishments) My favorite is that we are referred to as "the last and crowning handiwork of God." I guess that is a pretty neat thing to think about.

I just found this interesting and thought I would share it.

This day has been a somewhat productive one. And now it has gotten completely unproductive! I seriously think I have developed ADD. I am getting somewhere with this paper though, and hopefully can get the rough draft finished by next week.

We didn't have clinical today due to Veteran's Day. Unfortunately that just means we have to make up for it next week so we get two days of clinical. I would much rather have gone in on a holiday, but I guess I was still able to enjoy this day as well. It is hard to believe though, that including this Saturday in critical care, I only have four days of clinical left! We will be done with it by Thanksgiving. I can't believe it. I feel like I should know so much more at this point. I know that they tell you the real experience comes after you graduate, but I still can't help but feel that way.

I went to Target today and was so excited to see all the Christmas stuff out! It makes me happy to walk around and look at Christmas lights, ornaments, and decorations. Such a happy time of year.

Just my thoughts

I spent today trying so hard to concentrate on studying in the library. Finally I was getting nowhere and I had a headache from no caffeine, and had to give up and go home. I got some coffee at Starbucks (the Christmas cups are out! Hooray!) and came home to work on my paper. I actually am beginning to get somewhere with it, although now all these lab values are driving me crazy! I'm trying to figure out a good way to organize them within the paper. Right now it is just a big jumble of words and numbers and I want it to make sense! It makes sense to me, but that's my unorganized thought processes. I have so much trouble writing a good paper.

I decided today that at some point in the next ten years I'm going to go on a trek to study whales for a period of time. Can any average person on the street do that? I know you're thinking, extremely random, but I have always been extremely fascinated with whales and always wanted to do that. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Anyone want to join me?

I have begun listening to Christmas music. Early, as usual! :) I enjoy the Christmas season long before it ever begins. It's such an awesome time of the year! Some people are such a kill-joy about it but I just love it and enjoy every minute of it. This year, I resolve NOT to let myself get over-stressed with it. It's always to my dismay that I spend most of Thanksgiving break and a lot of the time leading up to Christmas studying for finals or working on papers. Hopefully this will be the last year I will have to do that. God knows. :)

I got to talk to the grad student at school the other day who is running the tutoring sessions. Usually we just discuss what we talked about in class that week, but I was there early and it was really encouraging to talk to her. She reassured me that nurses actually don't know everything (which is pretty much contrary to what I feel like our teachers communicate) and you really learn with experience. Nursing school is just the foundation for your career. I wish I understood that earlier!

Well, thoughts are getting random and I think it's time to go. Maybe I'll get some more of this paper done tonight? We'll see! In the meantime, I will enjoy this week and make sure it is a productive one! ;)

What a week

Well, election is over and I'm not gonna whine. God knew who was going to win and I'm not going to cast gloom and doom on the next four years. Doesn't mean I'm happy, but neither will I bash a President just because I don't agree with him. I believe you should respect the highest office. I have found the way people treated George Bush so shameful the last several years. I would just think these people would be embarrassed.

Well, this has been an ok week. Tuesday at clinical was really tough. My mind felt dull and I felt like I couldn't think for most of the day- not a good thing when critical thinking skills are supposed to be in high gear. I really need to work on getting a good night's sleep the night before, but that's so hard when I have to work on patient assignments. I'm going to have to figure something out.

I went to a day BSF class! It was so different than the night class. The group I'm in doesn't follow the guidelines like I'm used to people doing in the night class, and I found myself frustrated by that, but oh well. It was a good group, but I miss my old one. I will be ready to go back to the night class next semester, which I'm hoping will work out.

I spent most of today at the library with Bela. I got some productive studying done. I'm trying to work on this extra credit assignment, and I'm not sure where to get information on part of it. I should have done this earlier! Oh well. I still have tomorrow to finish it. It is just such busy work. But that's pretty much everything that we do! Gotta love it my friends!

I can't believe that it is a week into November. Time flies so quickly. I say that a lot, and I never cease to be amazed by it. And it just keeps going faster. I heard once that by the time you are 18 you have mentally lived half your life. In other words, the next 60 or 70 years will seem only as long as the first 18. Wonder if that's true? My grandpa tells me that he doesn't know where time went. He will be 91 soon! What a good man, I can't wait to see him next month! I have such an example in that man of all the hard work he has gone through in his life to provide for his family and pass on a legacy to his grandkids. He is the family patriarch, and we all love him so much. 91 years! I hope I live that long!

Well, time to get back to this paper. Good night! :)

"There is no direction you can travel in which God has not spoken."
-Dr. Del Tackett

Election Frustrations...

The election is two days away, and while I see little hope for the candidate I have chosen, I feel compelled to write.

I am seeing a shocking wave of liberalism sweeping over my own generation. My own friends, my own family, and my own brothers and sisters in Christ. This disturbs me. Am I one to believe that the Republican party is the “Christian” party? No. By no means do I believe that. Perhaps I have been raised somewhat in this mindset, but I have recently taken a good hard look at my own values and convictions, my own political beliefs, and cannot come to any other conclusion. Barack Obama is not the man to lead this country. He will be, by far, the most liberal President we have ever elected. No doubt in my mind.

What are the central issues, the core values of what is attracting people to vote for this man? Is it his charisma, his popularity, his good looks? Or is it his record, his values and beliefs, where he lines up on the issues?

And why am I casting my vote for John McCain? Because of his bravery, his experience, the fact that he is the “comfortable” candidate to go for (i.e. he is older, more wisdom, etc)? Or is it his beliefs, his values, and his record? Is he the perfect candidate? By no means. Do I vote for him simply because I was raised Evangelical and am a Christian, my parents have always voted conservatively, and Sean Hannity tells me to vote for him? No. What foolishness for a person to vote using that method.

But even more, what foolishness it would be for me to have evaluated my political beliefs using Scripture, and find them lined up with liberalism. My beef is not with high taxes so much as it is with welfare and socialized healthcare. It is not with a person choosing to live the lifestyle of homosexuality so much as it is with the government changing the definition of marriage.

A friend, recently appalled at my opposition to such accessible welfare, wondered how I could be against it. She told me that I do not understand what it is like to come from that, and sometimes for people it is easier to go on welfare than to try to strive to make ends meet and not have healthcare, etc. Though that seems like a good argument, I think it goes to the heart of the matter. That is exactly why I am against it. While I know that there are legit reasons for select people to receive help from the government, what motivation do many people have to work when they can just get hand-outs from the government? Look at the generation that came from the depression. They pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and many of them made something of themselves through hard work.

The government has gotten too big and if Barack Obama is elected, it will get even bigger. My line of work will become living hell if healthcare becomes socialized. I have yet to see an empty hospital bed, yet we think socializing medicine will work? Many healthcare workers are underpaid, yet once we hand medicine over to the government that problem will increase. You think there is a nursing shortage now? You ain’t seen nothing yet because that problem will get worse. Barack Obama had better have a plan for funding nursing and medical schools. And if so, that is more government than should ever be allowed into our lives.

And you think he is going to cut taxes across the board? Wait until he takes the Bush tax cuts away. They’re going to go up. And for the rich, they will go up even more. Spread the wealth, that’s the way to go! You won’t have to help the poor anymore! The government will do it for you- with your money!

And we all know how Barack Obama feels about abortion. I struggle with this one the most. How can we justify not protecting the lives of the innocent? Yes, I realize that nothing can be done to overturn Roe vs. Wade. I realize that the church has dropped the ball in helping these women who end up pregnant and wanting abortions. I also realize that people are able to make their own choices about what to do with their babies- I’ve heard every argument in the book as to why abortion shouldn’t be a central issue. Yet, we are still not protecting our most powerless citizens. We all have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness- except for those parasitic fetuses feeding off of their mothers’ bodies (please excuse that wording… but I have heard it described that way by pro-abortionists). How in the world have we come to the point where a mother’s preference comes before her child’s life? How have we come to the point where we are willing to stand by and allow this holocaust to take place?

How have we come to the point where rights come before responsibility? I’m looking around at the selfishness within our society (myself included, honestly)- me first, my rights, it’s my life, it’s my choice, don’t step on my toes, live and let live, etc... Yet in the same breath many people turn around and demand that the government fix their problems when they suffer the consequences of those choices which we so often speak of. Oh, you’re pregnant? We’ll give you abortion on-demand. You have HIV after making a choice to have unprotected sex? Don’t worry, we’ve got doctors for that, we’ll cover the cost! Don’t worry if you don’t work hard, you can just go on welfare with the hard-earned money of your fellow Americans.

I just can’t believe we are coming to a point where people expect this from the government. I’m not pretending that the Republican party is a Christian party. I don’t fool myself into thinking that it will ever be that way. But my Christian worldview leads me away from liberalism and leans more towards conservativism. I can’t in good conscience allow myself to vote for a candidate who pushes for abortion, higher taxes, socialized healthcare, gay marriage, or allowing defeat of our troops, and an America where the new patriotism is liberalism. I just can’t bring myself to do it, no matter how popular, charismatic, or good-looking Barack Obama may be. Do I think he’s a likeable guy? Sure. I don’t think he’s the anti-Christ, or some evil person who is out to get me. I think that he sincerely is doing what he believes is right. But I can’t bring myself to vote for him because the things he stands for are so contrary to my beliefs as a Christian.

I hope that this is not an offensive post, but I have been really frustrated with this and wanted to get my thoughts out there. I know this is a ridiculously long post and I don’t blame you if you stopped at the first paragraph- I’d have done the same! I sure do know that God has a plan and I can rest in that. My mom pointed out to me today that sometimes God gives people exactly what they ask for, and that may be what we see happening. We ask for an easy, instant-gratification lifestyle, a give-me government, and that is what we’re going to get- and everything else that goes along with it. And so I ask you to think twice before you cast your vote this election. We are at a cross-road, and I think that whichever one we as a country choose, this time there is no going back.

This Week

My aunt passed away this week. I am really sad, but I think I feel relieved for her because I know she is so much better now. She knows Jesus and I know she is in heaven right now. What a comfort!

This week has been ok. Monday night I was just feeling really anxious about changing to a new clinical instructor, being at a new hospital, and just the stress of school in general. But the day went really well (although it was pretty boring). Today I went to a homeless clinic downtown and basically took vitals for patients, checked blood sugars, that sort of thing. It was pretty slow.

Tomorrow is Halloween. I'll most likely just be going to the Reformation party with the family, which is fine with me! I find that after my crazy schedule I just can't do the whole "social" thing so much. The last thing I want to do is stay out late. I commented last week to Allison that we were both in bed by 11 o'clock last week, on a Friday night. We were exhausted!

Tomorrow I have a checkpoint in adult health. Not exactly looking forward to it, but what can you do? I have studied, and will study more tonight, so hopefully I will do better on it. We'll see. I'm still going to the tutoring session as well, because I will take any help that I can get! I will get through this!

Well, I need to eat some supper and try to get a little studying in.

Psalm 143:8

"Let the morning bring me word of Your
unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in You.
Show me the way I should go,
for to You I lift up my soul."