What Next?

Do you ever sometimes just look at your life and wonder, what comes next?

While I enjoy each day for what it is, I have certainly found myself wondering this.  In my job I have gone just about as far as I'm going to without grad school.  I have felt this way before, but not since my old job back in Florida.  Travel nursing provided a good and awesome distraction from that feeling, but now that I'm established in my current job it feels very... dead-end.

Been thinking really seriously about my professional future.  I look at what I'm doing now.  It's great work, I love it.  But if in twenty years this (i.e. floor nursing) is all I have to show for a career, that will be very depressing.  Not that this work doesn't have a purpose.  Don't get me wrong in what I'm saying here.  But I have begun to have a restlessness about me and I don't know what the answer is right now.

So if you are one who prays, I need serious prayer right now.  For that and for other things in my life.  I need guidance.

Feeling this way sucks.  It may be a fleeting feeling, but I don't think it is.  And I don't really know what the answer is.

Whole30: Day 5

Day five of Whole30 is wrapping up.  So far, it hasn't been quite as bad as I had thought it would be.  I'm pretty sure having mostly-healthy habits before probably made a difference.  I mean, I didn't go from McDonald's to Whole30 y'know?

The first day I definitely felt it.  I had to work that night, so I spent more than half the night with a headache.  Which I am fairly certain was the lack of processed carbs.  They have become a bit more of a staple in my diet lately.  The next day, I felt a fog just sort of settle over my brain.  It was weird.  Of course throughout all of this I was experiencing cravings.  But come the third day... and that increased! I wanted anything with processed carbs-- bread, crackers, chips, I didn't care.  Thankfully the fourth day that all seemed to stop.  I started to feel pretty good.  And it's continued today as well, so I'm hoping that it's here to stay.  We'll see.  They say the first seven is the hardest, and once you hit day 10 you're coasting.  We'll see.

I love that this has expanded my palate.  I'm not one to be adventurous with trying new foods or cooking.  This has really broadened my horizons.  I'm actually really enjoying cooking and experiencing with different foods.  I bought the cookbook Well Fed, and that has been a lifesaver!  So many delicious recipes, that I don't feel deprived in the slightest!

I'm not sure yet if this way of eating could be a way of life for me.  At least this extreme.  But it's really good to eat clean and feel good because of the food I'm eating.  I definitely think that it will change how I eat for good, but not necessarily so drastically.  I don't ever see myself cutting out dairy for life, y'know?  And I don't ever want to be that person in the restaurant making the server go through a detailed description of ingredients.

But we'll see.  For now, I just feel really good and I'm enjoying that aspect of all this.  Just hoping it stays this way!  I'll check back in periodically on how things are going.

Whole30

I am always striving to be as healthy as I can be.  Sometimes I fail at it, and I try not to beat myself up about it.  I think that we should go easy on ourselves, be forgiving of ourselves, and simply learn from those experiences.  As I said yesterday, this past year was a huge learning experience for me.  A very hard one at that.

I am here to say that starting next week, I will be doing Whole30.  I want to iterate that I am not doing Whole30 as a means to diet.  Not at all.  I honestly want to clean up my eating, find out how certain foods affect me negatively, and still eat my favorite foods, except within moderation.  Yes, for 30 days I will be very limited in what I can eat, but those 30 days are about learning how your body feels off of those foods (grains, legumes, sugar, alcohol, dairy).  And then learning how your body reacts as you re-introduce them.  From there I will decide how much and how often I will want those foods in my diet.

Like I said, it's not about a diet.  I am very much eager to be the very best version of myself that I can be.  I want to be stronger.  I want to feel healthy and alive every day.  I want to be the best I can be mentally, emotionally, physically, and the food we eat has such a strong effect on that.  I also have had psoriasis since I was 9 years old, and am quite curious as to how certain foods I eat may or may not worsen the condition.  Yeah, I realize that I will probably become leaner throughout the process, and that's definitely a positive.  But that's not my main focus.  I will not be restricting calories or portion sizes.  I plan on eating when  I am hungry and eating until I'm not hungry anymore.

And through this process, I will be compassionate toward myself.  There will be trial and error, I am sure.  Yes, the 30 days is pretty restrictive in that you can't cheat because you have to get yourself off of those particular foods.  So I am pretty dead set on following the plan.

I just wanted to write it down that this is what I am doing, so I can be held accountable to actually starting it.  I will be doing it with one of my good friends at work, so the accountability with her will be good as well.  We've already talked about taking turns bringing in lunch for work so that we each don't have to pack a lunch every day.  I'm very excited, even if I'm dreading this a bit as well.  I frequent my favorite bakeries at least once or twice a week if not more... and I certainly do love my sweets.  And eventually I may reincorporate those things but much less frequently.

Anyway, meal planning is in the works right now... wish me luck!

It's so hard to believe that in just a few days, I will have been in Spokane for a year.  So much good has come out of living here.  I have experienced personal growth and maturity, made so many new friends.  I have become a lover of the outdoors... once upon a time, I didn't really like being outside.  But I think I just lived in the wrong place all these years!

One of my very favorite things about the Northwest is the focus on activity and outdoors.  It's fairly easy to find yourself being active without trying too hard.  Part of that is because there isn't as much to do out here like there is back home.  But I have loved becoming a much more active, healthier person as a result!  I love it!

In this past year, I have also battled a struggle with an eating disorder.  I think I've mentioned it before, but I found myself, starting last spring, binging.  And doing it quite often.  As I became less active due to some injuries, the episodes began to increase.  It was really hard.  I felt out of control, I gained back a lot of what I had worked so hard to lose, and I just felt ugly and disgusting.  It's sad because one of the only things I think about when I remember my trip to Hawaii in September, is how incredibly fat and ugly I felt.  And I'm ashamed to admit that, because I work so hard to keep thoughts like that out of my mind.  Food became a vice for me, though it wasn't something I really enjoyed anymore.  Often times when I ate, it didn't really feel like a choice... it felt like the food was controlling me.

I have now gone about three months without a binge.  I don't consider myself having kicked whatever this is (I don't know if you can really call it a full-fledged eating disorder in my case... but maybe it is).  But I have found myself in a much better place with regards to food.  Yeah, sometimes I still eat too much on occasion.  But believe me when I say, there is a huge difference between a binge and overeating.

It feels good to put it out there that this is a struggle for me.  I felt like I had to hide it for a long time, even though I am very close to so many who have had the same struggles.  It made me feel like such a failure to have fallen prey to this, when I've tried so hard not to.

Life has had an odd, very off rhythm lately.  Ever feel like you're just stuck in this vicious cycle?  It's kinda where I'm at.

I've been caught the past several weeks in a lot of long stretches of work, with long (seemingly endless) stretches of days off in between.  A cycle of extreme, chaotic stress followed by exhausted, lethargic, endless days.  Not that I'm complaining to have many days off, but unless I have someone visiting or am going somewhere, it just isn't worth it to have all that time off.  It's like I'm going, going, going... then crash and burn for several days.

It's been rough.  Coupled with the short daylight hours (and probably the recent holiday season away from family), it's triggered a lot of anxiety, feelings of uselessness, depression, low appetite, and extreme insomnia.  Life itself isn't bad, but I myself have not been doing too well.  I'm not trying to present this as a way to complain or make people feel sorry for me, nor am I crying out for help.  I still have a good head on my shoulders and am definitely learning how to deal with this in various ways.  It isn't completely debilitating.  But it certainly is exhausting and a very real struggle.  Perhaps more on it another time.

However there have been many positives as well.  I have made some pretty great friends along the way, and begun attending a church out here that I think I am going to love.  My shy and somewhat awkward personality upon first meeting, coupled with my anxiety makes meeting new people tough.  But I'm putting myself out there, meeting people, and doing my best to keep busy.  I am planning some days coming up to learn how to ski here soon, (totally ready to embrace this winter weather!) and still doing my best to get out and run despite the weather.  A back injury has kept me laying low this week, but I am hopeful to be up and running soon.

So, there are some adjustments to be made... some days are good, and some days are bad.  But I'm finding that I'm loving Spokane and feel very content here right now.  Ready and excited for more adventures, and to see what's next!

The Past Year

It's hard to believe that here we are looking at the end of 2014.  What a year.

I've been thinking a lot about how much I've been through, how many places I've gone in the last year.  Castro Valley, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Carmel, seeing the Pacific ocean for the first time, two cross-country drives, plus a scenic drive from California to Washington State.  Spokane, Portland, Seattle, Vancouver, Nelson, Kalispell, Williston, Osh Kosh... and I think I'm even missing a few.  Not to mention Hawaii.  I marked many states and cities off the bucket list this year.  And in the past 10 months I've fallen in love with this part of the country.

I've grown and been out of my comfort zone.  Travel nursing was one of the hardest, most awesome things I decided to do.  I mean I was a girl from suburban northeast Florida... never moved far away from family, never ventured out of my comfort zone in my career or personal life.  Life had very much been even keel, boring, comfortable for a long time.  I had reached a point where I felt something had to change, or I was never going to grow.

Bela and I were talking last night about the past year.  As we were listing off the things we've done,  we both just kind of stopped, not realizing just how many places we've been able to go in such a short time.  And I feel really blessed that I've been in a position to be able to do those things.

It's been an adventure for sure!  But not the day-to-day aspect of it.  There have certainly been some hard, lonely times in that year.  California was three solid months of feeling very lonely.  And that same feeling has popped up now and again here in Spokane.  There's no family nearby.  My oldest friends, the people who know me best, are back home.  My mom and dad and all my sisters and brother are on the other side of the country.  I'm facing round two of a holidays across the country away from them.  I've learned that seasonal affective disorder is, in fact, real (not that I never believed it).  Anxieties and worries have weighed me down at times.  Work has been hard, stressful, and very discouraging a lot of the time.  And I'm not looking for a bit of sympathy here, just saying that it's not always been a fun and exciting adventure.  It's easy to portray that it's always fun through facebook and instagram and even my blog.  But it's been awesome, I've grown, and I can say I've become a better person, grown more into myself.  And I've met and made some amazing friends out here too.  I'm reaching the end of 2014 with no regrets... and that's not something I've really been able to say in a long time.

I recently started practicing yoga.  I have wanted to be a yogi for quite some time now, but until recently I didn't have the time, nor did I feel settled enough to join a yoga studio.

I took my first class about a month and a half ago, and due to my foot injury flaring up again, I had to step back from it so it could heal.  Yes, yoga is intense enough that you can't just work through injuries.    Maybe something I failed to realize before.  Anyway, I picked it back up this week... and I'm officially hooked.  I love it!

I think what I love the most in regards to yoga is that it teaches you to practice and show yourself and your body compassion... to push it where it needs to be pushed, and to allow it to go only so far as it can at that time.  And while yoga certainly isn't all about cardio and calorie-burning, it sure as hell is difficult and requires patience, willpower, strength, and balance.  It's NOT as easy as it looks!

Already in such a short time I am seeing the benefits of yoga.  And the focus isn't even on the aesthetics of it... it's how my body feels.  How I feel in my body.  That I can challenge it, but I can also be compassionate toward it when I need to.  It is already teaching me to listen to my body.  So much of today's exercise world seems to be all about pushing yourself to the limit and then some.  And to a point, I think that's good.

But I'm just coming off of almost four months of recovery from an injury.  An injury that threw me into a forced sedentary lifestyle, which made me depressed, eat more, and gain weight.  My self-esteem took a real hit.  I really had to hone in on those things, address them, work on my food issues...and quite honestly feel I have come out of this injury a better person.  I learned a lot from it.  Most of all I learned that I need to start listening to my body.  In regards to exercise, food, rest, work, etc...

Yoga seems as if it fits right in with that mindset.  I'm so thankful for the opportunity to get to learn.  It makes me see how strong my body is.  And that my body can do some pretty awesome things, regardless of what it looks like.

Completely

"For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us.  Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us.  But we can still love them- we can love completely without complete understanding." -Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through it

I watched this movie early this morning during another bout of insomnia.  I was struck by its message, its poignance, its truth.  The movie ended quite abruptly... no loose ends tied, and the message in the end was essentially the above quote.

What's funny, is the above quote is something I have already learned as I've become an adult.  I feel at times that I don't know how to love my family.  I know I don't do it well... I don't know what part of myself to give.  I feel at times what I have to give is never enough.  Not that it's not wanted, but that it's the wrong expression of love.  I'm not exactly the most emotionally expressive person... and the way I show my love never seems like it's right.  And I just feel sorry I can't be better at it.

I've carved out my own place in this world, and while at times I've found there are things I disagree with among my family members (I am not singling out any one of them-- and I'm quite certain that all of my adult siblings would have the same to say), there are differing philosophies, there are hurts, there are periods of silence... yet I can still love completely.  In my own way.  But I know I don't do this well.

I don't want this post to be misinterpreted as any more than exactly what I am saying.  First of all, I respect my family and their privacy.  Though I will always be honest where family is involved, I don't wish to say hurtful things either.  So please don't read any further into this than what has been said.

I just was struck by that message this morning--so much so it brought tears to my eyes-- and when I woke up from my pre-work nap this afternoon it was still with me.  I am asking myself, "How do I love completely?"  And right now, there's no answer.  And maybe it's something I need to figure out... maybe that's what life is about.

Maybe I'll get to the end of my life and finally be able to say-- I loved, and I loved well.

Thankful

Thankful.

I should be this way all year round... yet somehow life, worries, stress... those things seem to cloud out all of my blessings.

It's easy to focus on the negative.  It's easy to lose sight of just how blessed and fortunate I am.  To focus on the have-nots instead of the haves.

I have a family who loves me.  I have friends I can count on.  I have a body that is strong and healthy.  I have a job that pays the bills and allows me to also have small luxuries in life.  I have more than enough to eat.  Compared to the majority of the world, I am rich.

And although this year the holidays are proving to be lonely, I still have so much to be thankful for.  And I'm going to focus on those things as best I can.  Sadly, we only seem to take time out during the month of November to really focus on what we have to be grateful for.  And even then... we are immediately weighed down by materialism and commercialism.

I begin this holiday season with a sense of hope, a sense of excitement for what is to come.  With the same sense of adventure I had this time a year ago... but a bit more settled in life, with a better sense of who I am.

I think most of all today I'm thankful for the opportunity to experience the past thirteen months.  To have traveled and lived in a new part of the country.  To see new places, new cities, new cultures, and meet all different kinds of people.  It occurred to me recently how lonely at times this life can be, when you take yourself away from all that is familiar.  The warmth of family and friends who have known you for your entire life.  But I still wouldn't trade this for the growth I have experienced this past year.  I feel I have grown more into who I am... and I know I'm not done yet.

Someday I hope to have that familiar warmth in my life again.  I hope to be able to have the chance for a family of my own... not a life that is perfect, no...but a life that is good and well-lived.  I'm happy for where my life is now, but I feel I am on the launching pad for the next phase...ready for what it brings.  I'm going to enjoy today for what it is... love those who are in my life right now, be grateful for where I am.

Life keeps on keeping on here.  Other than working, and occasionally hanging out with friends, I haven't really had too much of a life since the move out here.  I'm ok with the pace of things at the moment, especially after the last year of almost-nonstop travel, sightseeing, moving, etc.  It is nice to have a settledness about life.  There hasn't been that in quite some time for me, as I've previously mentioned.  Even back home in Florida, I always felt I was supposed to be somewhere else.

Though I feel settled, there's also much that feels up in the air right now.  It's odd how things can be so secure yet so insecure at the same time.  I guess that's how life is.  We think we have a plan, we think we know how things are going to turn out, but it's always waiting to shake things up a bit.  At least it's never boring that way.

It's been fun living in a new part of the country, experiencing the seasons.  Yesterday morning we had our first snow.  Now, I've seen snow many times before.  But that "first snow" of the season, well it's kind of magical.  It started around 5:30 yesterday morning while we were at work.  And our co-workers thought it was hilarious that we could be so excited over something like the first snow, but I think it's going to be something that never ceases to excite me!  Of course I know by March I'm going to be more than ready for warm weather.  I like changing seasons... THAT'S why I chose to move to a place that has all four!

In other news, my foot seems to have finally healed up.  An almost four month ordeal.  I never did get it x-rayed but I'm certain it was broken... or very badly sprained, by how long it has taken to heal.  Forcing myself to rest and not push it with exercise has been a challenge.  In fact, I did get back out there for a bit and paid for it.  So now that I'm sufficiently out of shape and all rested up, I'm looking forward to getting back out there a little more slowly.  Unfortunately, doing it while the weather is freezing up is going to be extra fun.  Good thing I enjoy being out in it!  (No really)

And holy cow, did I forget to mention I got a kitten?!  His name is Mister Allen.  A sweet, fluffy grey tabby kitty.  I've had many people comment that he looks like a Maine Coon, and after a lot of research I think they are right.  Or at least he is a mix.  But one of the oddest cats I've ever had, quite honestly.  The other day I dropped a piece of apple on the ground, and he started eating it.  In fact he wants to eat pretty much everything he can get his paws on.  He drinks tons and tons of water (a characteristic of Maine Coons, I have found out).  And just his personality is so different from any other cat I've had.  Plus-- he's huge!  He's already almost doubled in size since I got him three weeks ago.

So otherwise, there's not really much else to report here.

Grandpa

Veteran's Day is tomorrow, and I can never help but remember my very favorite veteran-- my Grandpa.  Grandpa served overseas during World War II, as many of his generation did.  I've always found one thing very interesting as I've gotten older, and that is that he didn't talk much about the war throughout my childhood.

I learned most of what I know about his experiences through his memoirs, journals, and his letters back home to my Grandma while they were dating.  Like many from that time, they fell in love over the distance.  And I've always believed that their love and appreciation for each other through the years was stronger because of that time.

One of the things that stands out most about Grandpa during that time in the war.  He didn't think much about marriage and family until he was over there.  I remember reading that he knew when he got back from the war, he wanted that life and he wanted it with my grandma.  He loved, valued, and cherished family above all else, and I think he did because he had lived through very uncertain and dangerous times overseas.  Another thing I learned is that before the war my grandpa had lived his entire life thinking he was dumb.  He had struggled to learn as a child, but before going overseas he was tested and when he learned that his IQ was above average, he decided he was going to get as much education when he got home as he could.  And he did.  And he went on to do many great things because of that education, and passed down that importance to his kids and grandkids.

Grandpa was well-known and well-respected in his local community.  He accomplished many things, but I only knew him as Grandpa.  And in the latter years of his life, his journals don't reflect that of his great accomplishments, his career, or his money.  He definitely counted all of that as blessing, but over and over again he reiterated that faith and family were all that mattered.  He considered his three sons, daughters-in-law, and thirteen grandkids to be his greatest blessing above all.  And never once in my 23 years of knowing him did I doubt just how special and important I was to him.  And I can guarantee that no one else in our family doubted it either.

I really miss him.  There are days I still wish I could get a hug from him, or a word of advice, or just hear him say "I love you" one more time and be able to say it back.  But it's days like this that I am thankful for, to be able to take the time to remember a great man.

I think of that passage in the Bible from Ecclesiastes 3.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..."

It has been ringing in my mind for some time now.  A time to weep and a time to laugh... and as I think of how the past couple of months have gone... how lonely I have felt, how life hasn't quite turned out as I planned.  And it's ok, really it is.  I'm ok.  I don't want to convey that I'm this depressed, miserable mess of a person right now, though I am a little.  I'm definitely the loneliest I've been in a very long time, but I'm ok.  Actually, I'm not entirely ok.  But I know that feeling this way won't last forever, and therefore I know I'll be ok.

And so right now is my time to be alone.  Not cut off from the world, no... but it is one of those times I feel I am going it alone.  Sadness is a lonely thing when no one else can share it with you.  A broken heart is different from other kinds of sad because no one else can feel it with you.  They can sympathize, they can cry with you, let you lay your head on their lap while you cry your eyes out.  But they can't feel what you feel.  They can't feel the aching heaviness that weighs on your heart... and when you're awake in the wee hours of the morning and sleep won't come and all you can do is think through every little thing you could have done differently... well, you're just alone.

I know I'm being incredibly vague here, and possibly melodramatic too... but when you're sad, well there's just no rational logic to it.  And it's ok to feel the way I feel right now.  I was raised to suppress my feelings in order to not burden others, and I will no longer do that.  Writing about it is therapeutic, for sure.

Like I said, I'll be ok.  Life is still very good.  It is still promising.  And right now, I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know where life will take me in the next year.  And there's a sort of excitement buried beneath all of my other feelings right now, because there's still so much promise.

And I have today, and it is good.  Today is good.  The leaves are still vibrantly and beautifully orange and red and yellow, though most of them are now on the ground.  But the last of them hang on the barren branches for dear life before winter will come and blow the rest of them away.  It's beautiful.  And the holidays, though the prospect of them is lonely, are just around the corner.  And I'm ready to take in each day for what it is.