The End is Near

I wonder if this is what postpartum depression is like.

I am done with school. Other than the distribution of our resource guide that we made for our community project, I have nothing left to do. But I feel... sad. Depressed. I don't have that normal end-of-semester high. I will be pinned one week from today. I will graduate a week from tomorrow. Why do I feel sad? I can't figure it out.

Ahh, nursing school. I think it's been a love-hate relationship, and one that I will truly miss. We were talking about it today-- that as much as we complain, whine, and say that we hate school, we really do love it. And honestly- this is going to sound silly-- but what is my role after this? I'm not having an identity crisis here. I just don't know what to do with myself. School has literally defined me for seventeen years.

I have worked hard to get here. I'd think I'd feel differently at this point- yet why don't I? We'll see how I feel in a few days. Maybe it's just exhaustion- both physically and emotionally.

How Beautiful

"How beautiful, the heart that bled,
That took all my sin, and bore it instead.
How beautiful, the tender eyes
That choose to forgive,and never despise."

-Twila Paris

"The world was good, the world is fallen, the world will be redeemed." -Andrew Peterson

Think about that.

Camp

Exciting hour and a half drives to Kulaqua. Waiting outside of the A-frame to get our bracelets and t-shirts. Scary swim tests in the freezing cold spring. Disgusting cafeteria food. Late nights eating candy and talking. Early mornings to be the first one in the shower. Morning chapel followed by seminars. Afternoons watching churches compete in basketball and soccer. Stalking Silers Bald. Tubing on the Itchetucknee. Yelling at concerts until we couldn't talk. Waiting in the crowds outside of chapel, and almost being trampled in the stampede when the doors opened. Cheesy themed videos. Going to the zoo. Go-karts. Horse-back riding. Oh, so many memories.

I realized today that on a normal summer in jr. high and high school, today I might have been leaving for Camp Kulaqua. I miss the anticipation of it all, the fun, the excitement. Camp was always one of the highlights of my summer. While I really don't think camp is something I would enjoy today, I do still enjoy the memories and miss them. I haven't thought about camp much in a long time.

I sometimes miss youth group. While I look back on a lot of it and definitely see it could have been done better, there are so many good memories I got from it. I got a lot of great experiences out of it that I might otherwise not have had. Days gone by...

Friends

I've been thinking on the concept of friends lately. I have recently learned a lot about friendship. One thing I have learned is that I am thankful I know who my true friends are- the ones there through thick and thin. And that's something I have learned recently. I've always had a hard time letting go of friendships. I don't give up on them easily. You invest so much time, so much heart, your emotions, and sometimes it does not always work out. But I think I have finally come to a place where I can do that- let go unless God intervenes. There is only so much I as a person can do.

I have awesome friends. From years past, to church, to nursing school- and I hope to continue making new friends as I move into my career. I don't have a lot of friends. I never have. But I have the friends I need- my friends are close friends and I'm thankful. I wouldn't be where I am today without my friends. So many have been encouraging through these last months as I have struggled. You know who you are and I'm thankful for you.

Friend. I like that word. So happy and warm.

I wonder why some guys have a need to be vulgar in front of girls. Really, is this some way to impress us? Or did nobody teach you an ounce of respect? I don't understand, can someone please explain this to me? I just want to know why it is so necessary, because I don't need to know some of these things about you. I really don't. Although... I suppose it could be argued girls spend time discussing their monthly happenings often no matter who the audience...

All right, well, I have my portfolio handed in, took my last test in the nursing program, and am now looking at the last two weeks of school. Three presentations, a paper, two days of clinical, and 25 community hours are all that is standing between me and graduation today. I can hardly believe it! I got announcements in the mail and began addressing them. Unbelievable. (Or, Allison, UNBELIEVABLE!)

The last few weeks have been pretty insane, but things are beginning to slow down a bit. Even if there's still a lot to do, the schedule is much better. There was awhile where it felt as if I got up early and left, came back late, did the same thing the next day, and again and again... I front-loaded my clinical days and I'm very thankful I did that. It sucked for awhile but now it's not so bad. I'm still finding myself extremely frustrated with these group projects however. I'm wondering why some people are incapable of being in a group. Maybe because coming from a big family compromise was so often the name of the game for us... and perhaps others don't understand this concept? I don't know. I definitely think I have learned to deal with conflict because of coming from my family, and I'm glad for that. I feel like some people are out in the world somehow convinced that it spins to meet their every whim. Oh well, part of life I guess.

Feeling a little romantical today. Don't know why, I haven't been like this in awhile. I am just wishing I had someone special in my life. Or at least that I could have more single friends so as not to feel like odd (wo)man out all of the time. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just wish today.

Clinical tomorrow, hope it goes well!

Happy 4th of July

RAGGED OLD FLAG

I walked through a county courthouse square,
On a park bench an old man was sitting there.
I said, "Your old courthouse is kinda run down."
He said, "Naw, it'll do for our little town."
I said, "Your flagpole has leaned a little bit,
And that's a Ragged Old Flag you got hanging on it.

He said, "Have a seat", and I sat down.
"Is this the first time you've been to our little town?"
I said, "I think it is." He said, "I don't like to brag,
But we're kinda proud of that Ragged Old Flag."


"You see, we got a little hole in that flag there
When Washington took it across the Delaware.
And it got powder-burned the night Francis Scott Key
Sat watching it writing _Oh Say Can You See_.
And it got a bad rip in New Orleans
With Packingham and Jackson tuggin' at its seams."


"And it almost fell at the Alamo
Beside the Texas flag, but she waved on through.
She got cut with a sword at Chancellorsville
And she got cut again at Shiloh Hill.
There was Robert E. Lee, Beauregard, and Bragg,
And the south wind blew hard on that Ragged Old Flag."


"On Flanders Field in World War I
She got a big hole from a Bertha gun.
She turned blood red in World War II
She hung limp and low by the time it was through.
She was in Korea and Vietnam.
She went where she was sent by her Uncle Sam."


"She waved from our ships upon the briny foam,
And now they've about quit waving her back here at home.
In her own good land she's been abused --
She's been burned, dishonored, denied and refused."


"And the government for which she stands
Is scandalized throughout the land.
And she's getting threadbare and wearing thin,
But she's in good shape for the shape she's in.
'Cause she's been through the fire before
And I believe she can take a whole lot more."


"So we raise her up every morning,
Take her down every night.
We don't let her touch the ground
And we fold her up right.
On second thought I DO like to brag,
'Cause I'm mighty proud of that Ragged Old Flag."



Written by Johnny Cash

Happy 4th of July!! I have to get a little patriotic and corny here, and say that I'm thankful and proud to be an American. Regardless of where you stand today in your opinion of our country, I hope that you can at least be thankful to live in a country where you can live free from fear and oppression, free to choose your own way in life, and free to pursue happiness. I think I so often forget what people went through so many years ago to bring us to where we are. I'm ashamed that I have not the same bravery they did. I'm ashamed I have trampled on what they did for me by taking freedoms for granted, by being lazy, by not honoring their sacrifice. I chose a dirty old picture of the American flag because I think it stands more for how our country came to be what it is today than a clean perfect image of red, white, and blue. I don't romanticize the past. But I'm thankful for what has been done before me so I can live in such a privileged position.

I remember one year the wife of the captain of Flight 93 spoke. She looked at the audience and said for them to live their lives and make his sacrifice worth it. I hope that I can make the sacrifices of the brave men and women, past and present, totally worth it.

Had a BUSY but good week. I'm more than half-way done with my preceptor, so that is one thing I can soon check off my list. Portfolio is due in a week, which will be a HUGE burden off my shoulders. It is one of the most frustrating papers I have ever had to write. We are supposed to use papers and reflective writing to prove how we have met 8 program objectives. I didn't think I would have very much to say. Now the problem seems to be that I have too much to say, and I'm afraid that's going to hurt me. More is not necessarily better with these portfolios.

Today I finally got together with my case presentation group, and I feel pretty good about where we are at. We finally divided it up and I feel like I can finally get started. Unfortunately I won't get to spend all day Saturday relaxing, but it's ok. Three more weeks. I can't believe the end is so close. I have so much to do though and I don't want to let my guard down and then really regret it. That would be horrible.

Today one of the groups presented on Huntington's disease, and brought in guest speakers. One of them came from a family in which 90% of them had it, and he had chosen not to be tested so he could live without it hanging over his head. Another one had been tested later in life, and will eventually have it for sure. The third guy was already in a wheelchair from it. It was really sad. I have not ever put a face to Huntington's disease, and what really got me was the lady who tested positive for it and now is living knowing that she will eventually deteriorate. I can't even imagine.

I'm enjoying the semester, but I'm really antsy to be finished. The end is so close! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

So far to go... yet almost there.

I've come quite a ways! This picture is from my very first semester in nursing school, with my very first patient on droplet precautions. Oh, good times. My teacher gave us some pictures to look through for our project, and I came across this one. Time sure has flown.

Life is getting very stressful. I had two days of clinical Sun/Mon, Tues/Wed I spent the mornings at VBS and the rest of my day working on portfolio as much as possible. Today I had community, and Fri/Sat I have clinical. Sunday will be a day off this week, which I am so thankful for. This past week has been a blur. It's a good thing and a bad thing. I find that the busier I am, the more I seem to be able to accomplish. But I don't like feeling so stressed. It's a win/lose situation I guess. I'm getting more excited by the day with the end approaching, but am trying not to think too too much about it because I don't want to get to relaxed. I still have a lot to do. I can't imagine how good it will feel to be finished- and to know that I really am done with school! That's impossible to believe right now! Gotta keep chugging along!

And I have recently found out that Lord of the Rings makes excellent paper-writing music. Somehow it is much easier to feel motivated with the majestic LOTR music playing in the background.

I'm now half-way through the semester. So much more work to do yet, but I can hardly believe the end is so close. I finally started portfolio this past week, and feel as if I'm making some progress on it. Right now it feels really pointless, but I'm pretty sure when I'm finished with it I'll be proud of the work. Well, we'll see!

I had a good birthday. It was spent all day in class, but it was not bad and we went to Chipotle afterward and a walk on the beach. The weather was great and the beach was beautiful.


So now I'm 22 years old. While I'm pretty sure I'm still young, and this is in no way to offend anybody who happens to be say, one or two years older than I, I do feel a bit depressed about this age. I'm actually really glad about where I'm at in life. In fact, I wouldn't wish to be in any other position. But it is still a little depressing to look at the dreams of myself at 7 or 8, (I'm pretty sure I thought I'd be married and pregnant with my second kid by now haha), and not be anywhere near those dreams. But I don't consider those to be my "dreams" anymore, at least not in the way they used to be. I still want those things, but there are other things I want first. And I don't want them any sooner than God wants them for me, which could be in five years, or could be never. Guess I will find out eventually, but for now I want to live my life where I'm at. And enjoy it. I've got plenty of time for the other stuff.

I think that the church (and maybe Disney too...) has done a bit of a disservice to girls in its teaching that marriage and children is the only important thing in your life. We longed as little girls for Prince Charming, and nobody bothered to tell us that there is no such thing as Prince Charming, because guys simply don't measure up to that in the same way we can't measure up to perfect hair or tiny waistline with a 36DD cup size. The fact is nobody and nothing measures up to perfection. Marriage doesn't measure up to perfection, motherhood doesn't measure up to perfection. Somehow there's a disconnect there...? We can't seem to get that through to our hearts. Marriage becomes the only option for many girls, and there's no back-up when it doesn't happen, or if things go terribly wrong.

Anyway, happy birthday to me, I'm 22 and happy about it. ;)

Clothes

Bought two new dresses today as a birthday present to myself. I'm quite proud of myself, really, because I don't buy dresses very often. And I bought two! They are super cute. Although I came home and realized I bought black and white and brown- I never seem to go for much color. I have been told that in the past, but you really can't beat a simple style.

So I'm thinking, what does the way that I dress say about me? I tend to wear a lot of jeans, dark shirts, greys, sometimes green because it is my favorite color, t-shirts, and the occasional black-and-white dress here and there. Rarely will you see bright colors in my wardrobe, although there are a few that I wear when I'm feeling less frumpy that day. In fact, frumpy might be a word I would use to describe my style, because I don't have much. And I'm ok with that fact, though not all the time. Back to my point. I guess I dress the way I do because I don't really want to stand out. Maybe be noticed, on occasion, but stand out? No way. My height probably does that enough, no use adding to it.

And with the dark colors- I've talked about this with a friend. They happen to be particularly slimming and flattering on just about anybody. And I'm honestly not very good at mixing and matching colors. I don't have a bright and bubbly personality, and I think that usually comes out in the way I dress--and probably anybody else as well. I think if you compare personality to wardrobe, it usually matches up pretty well.

So anyway, just a rather boring conversation on clothes. I am super excited though about my purchases! I can't wait to wear one of them, and will definitely on my birthday, because I think I should dress nicely on my birthday. Plus I'm going out to dinner with some friends, so why not? Forget what everybody says about wearing dark colors- I'm gonna wear what I want and look great doing it! ;)

Why is the way we dress so important? Yet I think it should be important to a point. I felt so good when I tried those dresses on in the dressing room at Target. I think it boosts your self-esteem, your mood, and can brighten your day. But at the same time, why do we put so much stock and value on clothes, hair, make-up, size, and overall appearance? It sure makes things tough sometimes.

Weekend in Orlando

I've been spending a great weekend in Orlando. We went to Disney World on Saturday along with Sarah, and had an awesome time. We rode the must-rides such as Thunder Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Haunted Mansion, as well as seeing the Carousel of Progress. We walked around Epcot for about the last hour and a half of the day there. It was good fun. That night we went out to a restaurant called Hamburger Mary's for Allison's birthday, and then a bar on Church Street.

I really don't want to go home tomorrow. Mainly I don't want to go back to the stress of school. It is almost over, but I have reached a point where I feel like I can't take it anymore. I will be so happy when we are finished. July 22 will be when I can breathe easy again. *sigh* Can't wait!

I will be meeting my preceptor tomorrow. Hopefully things will go well with her. I'm extremely nervous about it. Worried things won't work, that I will suck, or something. I gotta stop being too hard on myself and just learn as much as I can.

For now I'm watching Royal Wedding with Allison. Fred Astaire is dancing on the walls and ceiling right now.