Growing up, especially in the evangelical church, having children was something I always assumed I would do (after getting married at 18, of course). Naturally, I also assumed it was something I wanted without a doubt: Children? Of course. Lots of them? Definitely! Stay at home with them? Wouldn't do it any other way!
Now, people are simply appalled to hear otherwise from me these days. Perhaps they think I'm selfish. Or childish. Or that I'm just not ready. People tell me, "When you settle down, you will change your mind." (SN: does the fact that I may not want kids make people uncomfortable? I don't get it!) But through conversations with a friend recently, it's occurred to me that there is nothing selfish about not wanting children.
My brother was born when I was 13 years old. Being the least busy of all my siblings through the years (sports were pretty much the only approved activity within my family- and I was no good at them), I was often the one helping with him the most. I babysat him often and for long periods of time. And I loved it, don't get me wrong. Having a baby brother was a dream come true for me, because I loved (and still do) babies. However, I also saw the reality of having a child firsthand. It isn't simply that I don't want to give up all my freedom to have a child, though sure, that is a factor. But I know the time that takes and if I am going to have kids, I better damn well know that I want them, that I'm ready for them, that I'm financially capable of supporting them, etc. Not to mention being emotionally and mentally ready for children.
And as for the selfish bit. The thought of bringing people into this world, when it is such an awful place so much of the time, is one that weighs heavy. My honest opinion is that many people think way too lightly about the prospect of children. They say that no one is ever ready for kids, so why wait. Well one should wait if they aren't ready. Some people might never be ready.
So, all that to say, am I completely closed off to the possibility of one day having children? No. However, the choice is mine to make.
4 comments:
Great thoughts in this post! I never got the whole "not having children is selfish" argument. What's selfish about making an educated decision and deciding it's not the right thing? Also, you know what truly is selfish? Having kids just to fulfill your own fantasy and then blaming them for your "lack of a life". I've seen it too often and I'm tired of seeing children thought of as props to the "perfect life".
Yeah, I am with you.
On that note, tonight we were talking about things such as cystic fibrosis, or Huntington's (basically diseases that can be passed on to children) and I said that if I knew I had a gene for those, I would have my significant other tested and would never choose to have children so that I wouldn't be the cause of them living with a horrible, deadly disease.
My sister looked at me and retorted, "So you JUST would decide not to have kids."
Yes. But, apparently it's selfish to not want to force children to live with something awful. You would have thought we were discussing abortion, which we WEREN'T. The opposite, however, is true. If you KNOW you have a high chance of passing on a debilitating, horrible disease to your child, how selfish is it to purposely have one? But they would be seen rather as heroic for making that decision. To each his own, but I guess it's just frustrating to be viewed as selfish in light of an informed decision.
Wow, what an interesting response. I have actually had similar thoughts, especially based on personal and family history.
Also, I find this forced idea of women being obligated to have children just distasteful. Not to mention that having children (or your decision not to) is a very personal decision involving personal beliefs, health and wellness, finances and commitment. I know my family looks down on me for not settling down and starting a family, but I have very personal reasons for the decisions I've made. And I'm not at all comfortable discussing those reasons with my family or friends.
Totally agree!!! It isn't anyone's business! It's a personal decision.
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