Purity Shaming

2003 : 2013

Recently I have been doing a lot of reading/thinking about the whole idea of shame-based purity within the church.  Elizabeth Smart recently referenced this shame-based purity, that this was a part of the reason that she didn't run from her captors.  Now, I think I have to make the disclaimer that in no way do I believe anyone but the perpetrators are responsible in these horrible crimes.

So, what exactly is shame-based purity?  It is a movement within the church that teaches young people, mainly girls, that their worth as a human being rests upon their virginity until marriage.  It teaches girls that if you are not a virgin, you are the equivalent of a chewed-up piece of gum, a broken and wilted rose that nobody wants, the present that was opened prematurely and is now ruined.  It tells girls that they only deserve respect when they are dressed "modestly."  That they will lead their "brothers" astray by dressing provocatively.  I like to call it "purity policing."  Policing because I was told on multiple occasions (as a 13-17 year old girl) by grown men (that weren't my father or my brother), that my shorts were too short, or my shirt too tight, etc, etc.  I was threatened with the prospect of being sent home from church, or VBS, or camp, if I didn't comply with the rules of dress.  The purity of the minds of my brothers in Christ was placed upon my shoulders from the time I was a young girl.

And this is just my experience with the shame-based purity teachings of the church.  I never was forced to get a purity ring or make a vow, or had to go to a purity ball.  There are women who experienced a much worse form of this than I did.  But I'm here to tell my story, and share my thoughts on the subject.

Here's the mentality I grew up with as a teenager:  If you're a virgin, you're better than the other girls who aren't virgins.  If you dress modestly, you have more self respect (and therefore deserve more respect) than the girls who dress provocatively.  If they were mistreated by guys, it's because they were basically asking for it.

I could go on and on until I make you hate 16-year-old Natalie.  I kind of hate her too.  But I also realize how I was kind of brainwashed into this thinking, and it gives me a little more compassion for myself in those days.  But the fact that I was brought up to be void of compassion for so many other people saddens me.  What I thought was compassion (i.e. "I feel so sorry for girls who don't respect themselves enough to wait for marriage, or to dress modestly") was really just pride and arrogance for how good I thought was.

I do think there is danger in this purity-shaming that is so prevalent in church.  It plays into rape culture, that men are animals who can't control themselves unless women cover up and act differently (resulting in the victim-blaming that so many in America are doing).  It teaches women that they don't have ownership of their bodies.  And it disempowers women.  This is a dangerous mentality to have.  Believe me, I have had so many conversations and read so much about this subject that it scares me for the young girls who are still taught this way of thinking.

I'm not playing the victim here, nor am I trying to blame anyone.  I am pointing out the flaws I see, and their resulting effects.  I'd love to hear any thoughts people have on this.  And if you're a guy, did you ever experience any level of shame-based purity teachings?

"You will always have value and nothing can change that." -Elizabeth Smart

Amen, sister.